Fearing the worst

[2much2recover]

While I agree with the not calling up the law and telling them what is going on I would not lie for him if they contacted me. Honestly I would tell them the straight up truth. "I think he is and this is the evidence we found." Then let them handle it.
When he gets you to lie to the law/SLE/whomever to cover for him you are not helping. JMHO

I so agree with this - no matter which way you dice it your son needs help. It is no longer your responsibility to insure he gets it. You absolutely should not lie for him - that is called enabling.

 

[lovemyson1]

dsct, that's what the hubby said. You're both right.

 

[lovemyson1]

2much2recover, yes I am learning .. And as much as it hurts to read, I see that I'm an enabler. We go to our first support group on Sunday.

 

[Childofmine]

He has always been in denial and states that he is not an addict and can quit any time. Even looking down on the others at rehab and feeling "better" than them. He needs to accept that he IS an adddict and needs to deal with the issues that cause him to want to use. I will talk to him about that. I sure hope he wakes the heck up!!

LMS1, I am so sorry for your heartbreak. You have gotten great support and thoughts here---please read and reread.

You also know what you must do but as we all know, it is so very hard. And then even though we know---we slip up.

That's what he does, too. He knows, but he slips up.

Over time, can you see the correlation? You and I and he and my son are the same. We are trying to learn a new way of living because we are sick and so very tired of THIS way of living (at least you and I are) but we don't do the hard work of change consistently in order to have the support we need to create a whole new way of living for ourselves.

It's the very same thing for us and for them.

We must change our daily lives in order to stop enabling. They must change their daily lives in order to stop using.

We must have a consistent system of tools and support in order to stop enabling. They must have a consistent system of tools and support in order to stop using.

And then, because we are all so very human, we will slip and we will mess up.

Sigh. A very serious sigh. So, what to do?

Start the hard work of change in your own life. Over time, you will be able to let go of him more and more and more.

Realize that there is no one wrong move you are going to make that is going to cause him to get worse...or better. You just aren't that powerful.

He will do what he does. You will do what you do.

If you truly want to change, you will, over time and with lots of hard work, a support system and tools (like Al-Anon, like this board, like reading books every day, like writing in a journal every day, like prayer/meditation/quiet time, etc.).

It is a daily practice. That is what it requires, because it's just too hard otherwise.

Warm hugs. Please keep posting. We are with you here. We get it and we care.

 

[2much2recover]

Realize that there is no one wrong move you are going to make that is going to cause him to get worse...or better. You just aren't that powerful.

oooh, I really, really like this statement - because when we are in the thick of things we are unable to see that we do not have the power to change anyone but ourselves!

 

[MomOntheEdge]

I can speak only from my brother being a heroin addict (8 years clean now), and meeting lots of other struggling addicts in the MANY rehab places and open meetings I attended with and without my brother, that unfortunately JAIL is the best rehab there is. Nothing got any of the addicts (HEROIN only) I know clean - only lock up did. The withdrawal and physical addiction is so severe they have to literally be locked up to avoid it until it leaves their mind and body. My brother finally got clean after spending 3 months in jail, and it was my mother who finally made the call to get him there.... Today my brother and my mom are the closest mother and son I've ever seen. He loves her for saving his life and never lets her forget it. This drug is a KILLER. I pray for every mother going through this, as well as the sisters and brothers who love their siblings so much. Only my advice/opinion but I say call the PO and get him safe.

I'm on this forum for my own Difficult Child who is not a heroin user and I have no idea what to do with him most of the time, but in this instance I can speak from a real experience that ended in success.

love and hugs and strength going out to you, to all of us.

 

[lovemyson1]

Realize that there is no one wrong move you are going to make that is going to cause him to get worse...or better. You just aren't that powerful.

Wow! I needed to read this! Thank you! That's what always gets me, the guilt and feeling that I should do more or should've done more. Thank you for the love, the advice, the support. I'm really trying to detach.

 

[lovemyson1]

Update. Spoke to his girlfriend. She had no idea he was addicted to heroin. He's been telling her he isn't addicted to anything and uses Xanax occasionally. She never knew why he spent 11 days in jail. So, I told her everything. We both cried. She cares deeply for him but not sure what to do. The worst thing is that after I explained to her that stealing is why he went to jail she gave me a big sigh. She explained to me that her home was burglarized and her roommates had iPads, Mac Pros stolen from them and no forced entry. My son was asking suspicious questions and knew where the key was hidden and his girlfriend had nothing stolen from her. Needless to say all evidence points to him. I'm so sick to my stomach & distraught over this. She doesn't want me to tell him I know and she has a hard time believing that it was him. Long story short she broke up with him but got back together after he cried to her and she wants to help him. She's in love with him. Yesterday she told me he seemed clear headed & he's promised her he will stop hanging around the wrong friends. We are all standing together with tough love for now but I have my doubts!

 

[2much2recover]

She explained to me that her home was burglarized and her roommates had iPads, Mac Pros stolen from them and no forced entry. My son was asking suspicious questions and knew where the key was hidden and his girlfriend had nothing stolen from her. Needless to say all evidence points to him.

Wow, I guess he has found someone to be co-dependent with him. Enjoy your own peace of mind while you can because now that she knows what she knows, you know their relationship is highly unlikely to last. Hugs!

 

[BusynMember]

If you really love her, hope she leaves. I love my son with all my heart, but I know that any woman who falls in love with him and whom will stay with him for even a while is in for a heartache. His last girlfriend was financially devastated as he, being a good con artist, talked her into buying this and that for his house (they briefly lived together). She had more free money than him and used up her money then they broke up and he won't give her anything back nor pay her and she is now too broke to go to court and in a vulnerable situation with her ex husband and child so that she is not up to prosecuting him to try to get her stuff back, at least some of it. He is very lucky at dodging bullets that way. I say it is better for him to live alone until/unless he straightens out his problems, which is not likely to ever happen. He thinks it's "too bad" that she spent so much money on his house and it WAS her idea to leave (wonder why), but he has no remorse or feelings of any guilt that he literally let her go broke by buying stuff for him and his son.

Your son's girlfriend can not make him quit using heroin. Only he can do it. She is only going to destroy her own life if she stays with him so I have to hope she does not. Could be a wake up call for Son too. Who knows? I agree though that this relationship can never be healthy or good and that it likely will end, even if she loves him. In a way, she doesn't even know him...

Hugs and I'm sorry this is happening.

 

[lovemyson1]

You're so right MWM and 2much. I even told her she is enabling him but she refuses to give up on him. She thinks he used 3x in her home yesterday. She's a college student and has a heart of gold. She can't bring herself to stop talking to him because she doesn't want him to feel hopeless. But she did break up with him and he wouldn't leave until she said there's a chance they could work things out. H'e so manipulative & persistent. I told her all we can do for him is encourage him to get help, rehab is the only answer and he has to want it. My husband and I getting stronger because we are finally learning. Hubby actually said to him, we will not enable you son. That shut him up fast (using his words). He once told me that I was an enabler (this is when he was clean and sober). So hubby, told him, remember you even told us were enablers. At this point, we are just encouraging him to go to a live-in treatment center and work on his issues. He told us last night, if he can't quit in 3 days (he will get tested), then he will check himself into rehab. We told him let's go now, it's obvious you can't get clean on your own. But he refused. Thank you all for being there for me. I am broken.

 

[lovemyson1]

Hi all! Just wanted to update you. He's passed several urine tests, seems sober, working & even went to church with me this week. He seems to be accepting the fact that he needs to find a place to live at the end of February and not come to live with us. I am hopeful but very very guarded. I wanna thank many of you for my new attitude, I've learned a lot here and I think it's helping him and ME. I have a peace that isn't because I know he's ok, it's because I know I have no control and need to let it go and let it be. Doesn't mean I don't pray for him and love him with all my heart. So anyway, thank you all!!!!

 

[lovemyson1]

He came home tonight, admitted he's still relapsing, lost his job, car breaking down, dope sick. He has agreed to check in to rehab tomorrow. Please please please don't let him change his mind by morning! He's staying the night. Oh dear people, let this be his rock bottom, his lifetime change!!!

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Sending prayers that he will be accepting of the wonderful life that recovery can provide!!

 

[stressedmama]

Fingers and toes crossed he follows through!!