Fears coming to fruitation...

[jbrain]

Hi HR,
I rarely post anymore because my difficult child is grown up away and pretty much a easy child now. I just had to chime in though to say that my younger dtr was abused physically and emotionally by her older sister and has now been in therapy for 8 or 9 years and is still struggling (though much better). I didn't even know what was going on when she was younger and she seemed "fine" up til she was about 12. She has a dissociative disorder--her way of coping with her sister--and she struggles with learning that she is no longer a helpless child, that she is an empowered young adult.

Your younger child, in my opinion, is not better off in a dysfunctional family--he may suffer for years from the abuse. Abuse is abuse, just because it is a sibling rather than a parent or other adult, doesn't change that. In fact, at some point he may have to deal with his feelings of betrayal by you if you can't protect him.

Don't mean to be harsh, this just touches a sore spot with me and I wanted to give you a perspective from a parent who has been in a similar situation.

Take care,
Jane

 

[HopeRemains]

Jane,

That is not harsh at all, and I am thankful for your perspective. Everything so far has always been about difficult child and they way he feels/behaves. The best I've been able to do is try to shield the little one from it. It's not working. Even in small conversation difficult child is nasty to easy child and I am starting to see it's effect on him. I need to do well by him. If there is anyone I can actually help, I think it is easy child.

 

[TerryJ2]

HopeRemains, you've gotten some great ideas here. I just wanted to lend support.

 

[HopeRemains]

Thanks, TerryJ2, I appreciate it.

 

[HopeRemains]

This is disturbing me... I know it's not fruitation, it's fruition. Please excuse me. "Fears coming to fruition".

 

[JJJ]

in my humble opinion, difficult child needs to go to biomom, immediately. Contact with easy child needs to be limited and supervised. If husband will not agree to give biomom custody, then take easy child and leave. Please make sure you take your documentation with you so that you can prove difficult child's behavior in court.

Another idea, next time difficult child is self-injuring, call 911 for immediate transport of a mentally ill child who is trying to hurt themselves. Keep 911 on the phone so that difficult child's threats, etc will be officially recorded. If husband gets mad, tough - he can figure out a different babysitter. This will get you documentation of difficult child's issues as well as hopefully get him more help.

 

[HopeRemains]

JJJ- I have voiced over these last couple of months that maybe if difficult child and biomom want to be with eachother so badly, then let them? husband will have none of it. I even voiced that I am of this sort of opinion with the therapist in front of husband the other day. Because difficult child is feeding off of biomom and vice versa. (She is difficult child in her own right.) Of course when I say this I feel selfish and horrid, because I know that biomom will cause even more harm to difficult child during this course and her husband has been found guilty of child abuse against difficult child when he was 2 yrs old for choking him. I also understand husband because even if I feel like saying "GIVE HIM TO HER, THEN!", I know it would be to an emotionally and physically abusive household. I wouldn't think well of husband if he gave difficult child to her, even if I sometimes am not in the right mindset. Unfortunately, this means that I will have to leave with easy child.

I expressed my concerns to husband last night and told him that we are going to have to have seperate housing situations. While I feel that it is imperative not to let biomom have custody for further damage, I also feel awful for easy child, who really has no chance at a normal family because of it. Not to mention myself, but I am going to be so happy to have some sort of life that I'm not at all worried about me.

The result of that conversation was that husband actually listened tonight when I was reading about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and discussed things with me. I think he is not truely recognizing that I am not going to change my mind and trying to keep me from leaving by being very attentive. This is his way, though, the way he's kept me here for so long without me realizing it. He is... the water torturer. ( https://www.google.com/#hl=en&tbo=d...f2923a2536b7a5&bpcl=39967673&biw=1280&bih=602)


Whoa that is a long link. But it sums up the rest of my world a little bit.