Feedback very much appreciated

[Holly10011]

Hi Holly,

It's never easy to realize that our adult children can turn into people we don't recognize. You may never know or understand why your son's behaviour towards you has become cold and distant. What I can tell you is you do not have to put up with it.
I have learned over the years that expressing our feelings whether verbal or written to our difficult adult children can backfire on us. My own personal experience with my son, he would use my word against me.
As for sending him a birthday card, if it were me I would send a very generic card and I would not send any money and would just sign it simply "Love Mom".

I'm so sorry you had to find us here. We all have different stories but share the same heartache in that our adult children have hurt us in some way.

The best thing we can do is take care of ourselves. We need to live our lives as best we can. I'm glad that you have your art and friends to occupy your time with.

((HUGS)) to you.........................

 

[Holly10011]

I'm glad you are feeling better, Holly.

Your son has done quite well for himself and your sacrifices paid off. Now if he could only remember where he came from!

I am not excusing his behavior AT ALL, but perhaps his success has just gone to his head? New college grad, pulling down the big bucks in a tech hotbed...heady stuff for a 21 year old, and now he is trying to act out the role of the big shot. The old "It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice" is really applicable here.

He owes you a BIG apology, the little $#!+! Until then I'd keep it bland and on the frosty side and let him figure out what he's done and how to fix it.

Let him figure out what he's done and how to fix it.--This is exactly what I plan to do. BLAND is the word! Wondering if he will make a move to try to fix it OR just not care . I guess only time will tell. Thanks very much for your feedback.

 

[Holly10011]

Holly

I truly feel for you. I this time to live your life live yourself and protect your heart!

If he acknowledges your birthdays then do the same in return for him. I highly doubt he does. So if your 3 Choices I would do nothing more than ignore his birthday or send a snail mail Simple card.
If you must write a letter from your heart don’t mail it to him. He is not in a frame of mind to do anything but damage to you at this lint in time.

you are correct he does not acknowledge my birthday - most Ive ever received was an email or call. Never a gift or card. Kind of strange . I have decided against any kind of letter . May do a happy birthday text- from all that has just transpired a snail mail card feels like too much effort. Very much appreciate your feedback.

 

[Holly10011]

Thanks for your response
Not sure about signing of "Love",Mom which is the way I alwasy have done in past
Just not feeling terribly loving towards him right now and dont know if that is sending a mixed message.
I still have a few days to think on it ............................. Thanks again !

 

[Sam3]

How about

“You were born this day some years ago.
- Love Mom”

 

[Holly10011]

How about

“You were born this day some years ago.
- Love Mom”

Thanks for giving me choice E !! (something different)

 

[Nomad]

Holy smokes! He seems entitled and unkind. If he sends something for your birthdays, I suppose it would be ok to send something for his. I would NOT go overboard. Likewise with the holidays.
At some point as best as you can without emotion (this is important) I would address his unkind remarks to you and tell him he is to refrain from rudeness when addressing you. Don't show an ounce of emotion. Don't be sarcastic. Just the facts. Ask him if he would treat a friend this way.

Furthermore, for future holidays, I would get out of town if at all possible. Send him a card with a brief note that you and your dad are taking a little weekend trip etc. Save all year if needed. Or go to the fanciest restaurant in town. Do something very special for yourselves.

Take his importance in your lives down about ten notches. Read whatever you can get your hands on re detachment. Don't let his crxp get to you. Keep busy and keep strong.

 

[susiestar]

It sure sounds like you were an awesome Mom and your son is acting like a real jerk. You are absolutely on the right track to send the text you have in mind for his birthday!! He is well past the age when he can learn that parents are people too.

I would suggest that when he comes to "visit" again, you stop yourself from doing anything to make his visit special. Tell him that after his last visit, you didn't think he wanted you to do anything for him. Don't make it emotional, or throw in that what you do isn't good enough for him, or anything like that. Just be calm and matter of fact about it.

I watched my older brother do some very similar things to my parents for a long time. When he had gone too far, my mother would very calmly tell him that she hadn't done whatever he expected because the last time she did it, he didn't use it/eat it/whatever. If she had been emotional and played the hurt feelings card, it would not have made an impact on him. The fact that she just didn't care what he wanted, that she had other things in her life and he didn't matter enough to make her drop everything and do what he asked/expected? Oh that got through. HUGELY.

I do suggest that the next time you are with your son and he lashes out verbally, you don't take it. Don't make a fuss. Don't tell him off or give him a reaction. Just tell everyone that you need to go home as you cannot continue the evening. They can go one, but could they drop you off first? After they leave, take your car and go do something indulgent for yourself,or stay home and do something indulgent. If you are at home and he lashes out, quietly leave the room. Just refuse to be around him when he acts like this. There is no need to subject yourself to this kind of verbal abuse from anyone.

It is sad that your only child is treating you this way. Hopefully in a few years he will mature and realize he is acting like the south end of a north bound horse.

 

[Holly10011]

Holy smokes! He seems entitled and unkind. If he sends something for your birthdays, I suppose it would be ok to send something for his. I would NOT go overboard. Likewise with the holidays.
At some point as best as you can without emotion (this is important) I would address his unkind remarks to you and tell him he is to refrain from rudeness when addressing you. Don't show an ounce of emotion. Don't be sarcastic. Just the facts. Ask him if he would treat a friend this way.

Furthermore, for future holidays, I would get out of town if at all possible. Send him a card with a brief note that you and your dad are taking a little weekend trip etc. Save all year if needed. Or go to the fanciest restaurant in town. Do something very special for yourselves.

Take his importance in your lives down about ten notches. Read whatever you can get your hands on re detachment. Don't let his crxp get to you. Keep busy and keep strong.

I dont think I have to worry much about getting out of town - he would most likely stay with friends and or Air B and B next visit. And on the off chance he wants to stay here his father can deal with him - I have an older relative who is alone ,with- an extra room - she always welcomes my visits. But thankfully he only visits once a yr. so I have 11 months to prepare. Thankfully not pining away over him . Looking at the glass half full I had many wonderful memories of a kind caring loving child .He was 24/7 pure joy. 17.5 years was a very good run . Sorry it is over. Someone here posted the most helpful feedback for me . She confirmed that I should distance myself and said " He will figure out what has happened and what he can do to fix it if he wants to . YES! This is where I am . He will figure it out and then the ball is in his court. If he wants to send a sincere apology ( odds are that he wont ) I may consider accepting but I know in my heart things will never quite be the same. if he chooses not to apologize then I am ok to go on with him living across the country and minimal contact. Yes his importance in my life has gone down 10 notches. Thanks you very much !!

 

[Nomad]

Holly, I'm unclear , was my post upsetting to you? Regardless, I'm glad you have many good things in place and so forth and have gotten good help on this site. It's troubling when these adult kids act unkind. Wishing you well.

 

[Holly10011]

Holly, I'm unclear , was my post upsetting to you? Regardless, I'm glad you have many good things in place and so forth and have gotten good help on this site. It's troubling when these adult kids act unkind. Wishing you well.

No, your post was not at all upsetting !

 

[Holly10011]

It sure sounds like you were an awesome Mom and your son is acting like a real jerk. You are absolutely on the right track to send the text you have in mind for his birthday!! He is well past the age when he can learn that parents are people too.

I would suggest that when he comes to "visit" again, you stop yourself from doing anything to make his visit special. Tell him that after his last visit, you didn't think he wanted you to do anything for him. Don't make it emotional, or throw in that what you do isn't good enough for him, or anything like that. Just be calm and matter of fact about it.

I watched my older brother do some very similar things to my parents for a long time. When he had gone too far, my mother would very calmly tell him that she hadn't done whatever he expected because the last time she did it, he didn't use it/eat it/whatever. If she had been emotional and played the hurt feelings card, it would not have made an impact on him. The fact that she just didn't care what he wanted, that she had other things in her life and he didn't matter enough to make her drop everything and do what he asked/expected? Oh that got through. HUGELY.

I do suggest that the next time you are with your son and he lashes out verbally, you don't take it. Don't make a fuss. Don't tell him off or give him a reaction. Just tell everyone that you need to go home as you cannot continue the evening. They can go one, but could they drop you off first? After they leave, take your car and go do something indulgent for yourself,or stay home and do something indulgent. If you are at home and he lashes out, quietly leave the room. Just refuse to be around him when he acts like this. There is no need to subject yourself to this kind of verbal abuse from anyone.

It is sad that your only child is treating you this way. Hopefully in a few years he will mature and realize he is acting like the south end of a north bound horse.

 

[Holly10011]

at this point I probably wont see him for another year......................I will plan to make future visits short and also think it would be best to make an attempt to include others . I am sure he would not lash out if others were present . After reading many posts here I am grateful that he is far away, and able to support himself. He is not in jail, on drugs and or homeless. It is ironic that in spite of his smarts, he is unaware of the very basics when it comes to treating his parents who dedicated their lives to putting him on the right path. Childhood years up until college were wonderful; he was a pleasure to raise 24/7. I think that 17.5 years was a pretty good run ..................... Now the ball is in his court. He can try to fix things if he wants. If not, then he won't. Ball is now in his court.