Feeling sad for daughter in law and my grandchildren...

[lovemysons]

Hi all,
I was thinking about what I said in my first paragraph...about my discussion with my daughter in law about "what works and doesn't work" in raising a drug addict.

I want to be clear that I do NOT think that I or anyone on the board is responsible for raising a drug addict...that is their ultimate choices in life are NOT OUR FAULTS.

I do think that though that I contributed to their drug addict mentality/tendencies IN SOME WAYS...and I want so desperately to help daughter in law avoid some of the mistakes I made in raising my children.

daughter in law told me a few weeks ago that she was helping my grandson with a school project...and had felt a compulsion...a sense of needing it to be "perfect" so much so that she did most of the work "for him".

I talked to her about allowing grandson to do his OWN work and letting him know that she will be there if and when he asks for help. She said she had a talk with grandson and explained the new way of doing homework...that she wanted it to be HiS work...not her's. That he would be proud of himself if he knew it was his alone. LOL..."Out of the mouths of babes"...My grandson told her "You may want to talk to a Dr about that".

Another thing that I feel I negatively contributed in some way has to do with instant gratification. I was definitely a "Johnny on the spot" "fix it fast" "Please them quickly" kind of mom. My son's did not have to learn to be patient ...or even UNCOMFORTABLE for the results!

I also think I overpraised too much...I wish I had had more balance then instead over the top "Great Jobs!"

So what I really want is for my grandchildren NOT to suffer the same fate...what I really want is to express, to teach my daughter in law, in any beneficial way that I can what NOT TO DO.

Again, I say I did not cause my son's addiction's...but I do feel I contributed to some of the characteristics of an addict.
I have a easy child that lets me know that it certainly is NOT all environmental...These addict children of ours make choices.

Suffering painful consequence is part of it. I wish I had also not cushioned the fall so many times for my son's when they were little.

Just thinking out loud and wanted you all to know that I don't blame myself or any of us for our addict children's ultimate choices in life. But I want to spare the grandchildren, the next generation in any way I possibly can.

I hope I did not offend anyone when I spoke of "raising an addict, what works and doesn't work". I am simply trying to help my daughter in law particularly if she ever discovers in my grandchildren's teen yrs that she is raising an addict.

In the teen yrs...I wish I had said, "Go ahead and Jump" when they threatend. I really do. I was the kind of mom who begged for them NOT to jump...to try and make everything all better as quickly as I could for them, etc.

Practicing addicts...as we all know...are VERY SELFISH people.
They want what they want and they want it now! They expect results fast! They do not like to wait! And they do not like moments of dissatisfaction.

Anyway, I think I'm rambling at this point...Just really wanted to expression where my motivation comes from when I spoke of what "works doesn't work". It is about my grandchildren.

Thanks for listening,
LMS

 

[Signorina]

Oh LMS - I don't think any of us read into your words. I know I certainly did not. You are probably the least judgmental person on the boards. In fact, I don't think anyone here is judgmental. Even if they were, no one judges us harder than our very own selves...

You know, I get what you are saying about allowing kids to make and own their mistakes early on. The funny thing is - that's how my mom was. Except that she wanted to own my mistakes, and I often stopped asking for her help because she lorded it over me the few times she gave it. It never ended well, always in tears and always with her carrying on about how much smarter she was than me & how unappreciative I was... And gosh - if I forgot my homework at school - or I needed a last minute supply I forgot about or some such, she carried on there too; and again it was far easier to take a lowered grade than it was to ask her to intervene and get humiliated in the process. And there were many times, I dug myself into a hole that became insurmountable as far as missed assignments or not asking for extra help from anyone and then getting lost in a class and not being able to catch up.

This is turning into a pity party - and I don't mean it to be; and I am not implying that you or your daughter in law is that way!

So when I had my own kids, I vowed that I would always support them - especially with school. That we would help, that bad grades wouldn't be cause for humiliation but would be a flag and an indication that they needed our support. When they forgot a lunch or a book, I brought it. I kept extra school & art supplies on hand "just in case" for last minute projects; school came first and I was always there to back them up when needed. I don't think we overdid it, but maybe we did. Our kids always got good grades and I hope they knew that Mom had their back. You know how you make parenting promises to yourself - "if I have kids one day I will..." letting my kids know that they could depend on me for that stuff - was a huge vow I made to myself and I worked hard to keep. I thought it would be the difference in their lives... and it's probably why we moved heaven and earth to get difficult child back in school in the fall and looked the other way despite the tiny voice in our heads telling us that all was not right and that he wasn't attending...

So, I guess I think you may be right. On the other hand, I like to think it's the reason difficult child graduated HS with honors and I console myself with at least getting him that far. I never did any of his homework - his classes far surpassed my own science and math knowledge - but we told him (and our pcs) that school was their priority and we made it a priority for h and me too.

I know I am rambling and not making sense - your post struck such a cord with me - "a d@mned if you do, d@mned if you don't", I suppose. And it probably goes back to the sage advice that we can't ever work harder (on them) than they do (on themselves). I think that's where I got lost this time around w difficult child.

Thanks LMS for posting this. I needed to read it.

 

[recoveringenabler]

LMS, I agree with Sig, no one could ever take anything you say in any way but in the loving, kind and comforting way you mean it. No worries.

We all make those vows...........perhaps we sometimes swing too far to the other side in our quests to not be like our own parents..........I know I did.........I'm getting another chance with my granddaughter, let's hope I learned something this time around..........

 

[lovemysons]

It really is a Damned if you do or don't situation, isn't it!

Sig, I too was trying to go against the grain of the way I was raised. My mother basically "threw me to the wolves" and was NEVER involved with my school work...never sat down once to help me. She was a fairly negligent parent until my behavior became such a problem at around age 13 that she began to make changes FINALLY that benefited me. She was only 17 when she had me...and she raised me alone.
So, Of course I did the opposite, lol...sigh.
I wanted one husband for life, a large family, stability, to be a stay at home mom that gave the very best to her children...You know Ozzie and Harriet, lol.


I guess what echo's in my mind so loudly now is to teach them to learn how to DO FOR SELF. Both of my son's have a very strong sense of entitlement. We have been expected to bleed dry mentally, emotionally, physically, financially for them.
Young difficult child told me the other day that my "love won't feed" him. And oldest difficult child would love to be like ONE of his friends...who is a Trust fund baby. Oh brother!

My oldest has transfered his addictive tendencies into being a workaholic now. He is however responsible today...owns his own home, pays his bills on time, provides well for his 3 daughters. He is trying to be successful. Unfortunately, I don't have much of a relationship with him anymore as my Bipolar Disorder and psychotic breakdown 7 yrs ago, scares he and his wife.

So much was done out of love for them. Both of my son's are very intelligent...just not very smart! Neither of them graduated HS...both received only their GED's. Your's has shown tremendous potential in the past...and I can only imagine the agony you have felt knowing this.

My son's were hit with a double whammy from both sides of the family tree. We were BOUND to end up with at least one addict!

My easy child goes to school at night for Massage Therapy (something she's doing on the side to help support her through her Master's Degree). She goes to University school during the day (taking online classes this semester) AND she works 20 hrs a week at a nearby gas station.

So 2 out of 3 aint bad, right?

Tomorrow is young difficult child's 25th birthday. I can't go back and redo anything. I did, as you did, act out of love and what I thought was best for my son's at the time.
There are just a few things I would tweak now and hope to God it may benefit my grandchildren...or at least their mother in raising them. She is a very selfless, beautiful soul...but BIG time enabler.

And...I read a quote on FB this morning. It said, Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond.
I hope our difficult child's will start responding...waking up and taking responsibility for themselves. Asking for help from other's and their Higher Power when they need it.

We all did and do our best.
hugs to you,
LMS

 

[lovemysons]

Thanks RE, You make me smile.
Your granddaughter is so blessed to have you!

Love y'all,
LMS