Feeling sad today....

[in a daze]

My thoughts? He's not ready to come home yet. He won't be, for a while. Maybe even for another year, or more.
The dogs? I'm sure he misses them. Maybe you can do face time, or something.

People in the military don't get to come home and see their families and their pets. My dad left Ireland and couldn't come back for twenty years, and that was for his father's funeral.

I'm just trying to think up examples as his mentioning the dogs was maybe kind of a trigger for you. I'm sure he genuinely misses them. Part of it may be manipulation, and part of it is that is immaturity.

Think about it. After all the hoops he's put you through, this is just one more, and I think it would be a mistake to cater to him like this. You would either have to drive down to Florida with the dogs, and find a dog friendly motel, or pay extra to have them crated and flown in with you. And of course, you, RN, are just not emotionally ready for him to come home, and I sure don't blame you. And maybe his mentioning the dogs is part of a subtle manipulation for him to come back.

 

[RN0441]

Thank you.

No way I'm ready for him to come home. He was very close to the dogs because when he was sober he never left the house either (failure to launch due to anxiety? Who knows) so they were his buddies. We actually bought the younger one as a service dog (we joke about it because it's a Morkie but we hoped it would help him in some way when all the craziness first started).

It could be he was trying to see how much we're willing to do to please him. We used to do anything and everything. Mostly due to me. Now, not much at all. Very little.

His dad is going to talk to him about all of it. He is being so wonderful and trying so hard to help me not stress over this. I am so happy that he is doing this for me.

Normally I'd coach my husband but I didn't say one word to him about what to say, what not to say etc. It kind of feels good!

 

[mof]

In a daze and RN...

Sober houses I can definitely comment on. When they work they will come in contact with users, clean and crazy. It helps to transition them back to the real world.

My son has been in two...some deaths and many overdoses. Addict is an addict. I read where USA needs more of these houses...but they are businesses...not regulated. The one in our city has guys using in it...when an owner relapses...and all staff are recovering addicts...it can be like a dominoes affect.

I think they are needed..definitely a buffer for families...but I feel like I have paid out the nose for a babysitter.

RN...I'm sorry he's not working...my son was punished until he found a job...had to prove he had 6 applications a day. He has no car...had to arrange rides. He once complained...I said he never complained when liking for a fix...they can do it.

Excellent Dad is with him...breathe...they need good men around them.

I HATE COLD SORES...ouch

Hugs, Mof

 

[BusynMember]

inadaze, you are right, of course. Somebody can sneak something in.

But in my opinion they are adults and the celebration should be after they navigate the world sober. I dont think it is helpful to clap for them, as if they sre very young, every time they stay sober in a facility. That doesnt mean one has to agree eith my own set of celebration rules.

I just think we do too much for our adult kids as it is and celebrations should be hard earned. it is still easier to stay sober in a rehabbhome than in the world. I'd personally save the crlebrations for doing it in the real world.
Take what ya like and leave the rest.
That doesn't mean others have to do it my way. I have always believed lack of indulgence and making our kids work hard for things makes for better character snd a stronger work ethic.

 

[RN0441]

Well my son drank beer at his last place and now he is in a new place.

In a way, you both are right.

He could be raising hell where he is, but now he knows if he does, we will tell him to go to a shelter OR start over at a new IOP place. I told him to go to a shelter when him drinking beer came out. I'm sure he was shocked. I was a bit shocked too but I had that in the back of my mind when I moved him to the Sunshine State.

So he is there because of that.

But I don't care WHY he's there and I don't care IF he gets anything out of it. He can stay in these places the rest of his life as far as I'm concerned.

If he gets enough of it, if he gets sick to death of it. Then he'll change and then we'll see it. Me caring isn't going to matter. It's exhausting!!!!

I don't think I could ever celebrate his sobriety in either case because we all know all that can change in a day.

Maybe if he was sober for many years, working, had a family etc. only then could I tell him that I'm truly proud of him. I hope that day comes.

 

[in a daze]

It could be he was trying to see how much we're willing to do to please him. We used to do anything and everything. Mostly due to me. Now, not much at all. Very little.

His dad is going to talk to him about all of it. He is being so wonderful and trying so hard to help me not stress over this. I am so happy that he is doing this for me.

Normally I'd coach my husband but I didn't say one word to him about what to say, what not to say etc. It kind of feels good!

Yes. It's s time to put YOU and husband first. Not to be mean, or selfish about things. You love your son so much, but he is a young man now, and he has to learn to be independent. He has to learn to survive without you, and live a sober, self supporting lifestyle. And I feel this is likely to happen, because you and husband are on the same page. But it's not going to happen on your timeline, which is probably yesterday, like mine, lol. It will take months, it will take years. Because, in those 5 years he was medicating himself with the benzodiazepines, he has lost precious brain maturation time, and he will need time and therapy to get up to speed.

And now because of all the stress our loved ones cause us, you have a cold sore and I have the shingles. Just great. (To catch everyone up, my son's Medicaid won't pay for their share of his expensive antidepressant anymore, long story, and I was really stressing out over this. But he's doing ok on the less expensive oral form. )

Have to add... your husband sounds like a keeper!

 

[RN0441]

Oh no! I hear shingles are very painful - almost like child birth? Not sure if that is accurate. Glad he is doing well on his oral antidepressants! Thank God.

So last night my son sends me a picture of him sitting in the back of the class so to speak with two skeleton head emojis under it. There were tables of people in the front and some empty tables in between him and those people. At first I didn't know what the picture was. Is he in school?? Then when I zoomed in I saw "one day at a time". Then I knew he was in his IOP class or maybe AA.

Why wasn't he sitting with the others? Why is he in the back of his class and not participating.

I sent him a text saying that I admire those people for realizing they have a problem and trying to get help for it. You can't do this alone. Don't be a fool.

I got no response. I stressed over what to say. Why did he send me that picture. It upset me.

 

[in a daze]

I just saw a picture of mine on Facebook with his buddy who lives here on the south side. He sees this guy maybe once a year at a concert as they follow the same band. Son is supposed to spend the night to nigh t as we have a wedding tomorrow 60 miles away. Of course, this is one of his old drinking buddies. So I have reason to believe he came down here last night.

If he relapses, he relapses. I am trying not to stress out about this.

We are better off not knowing. Maybe he'll defriend me.

Sorry the picture upset you. I wonder why he sent it. Maybe because you have not been talking to him as much, because for his good and your own mental health, you have backed off.

 

[RN0441]

He may have sent it not realizing that I would SEE what I saw. That he was in the back of the class not participating. He probably thought I'd think that he was in his IOP, NA meeting and blah or whatever. Who knows.

 

[Kathy813]

Yes, they still have access to drugs and alcohol in sober houses but they also know that they are being tested frequently which makes it easier to say no. The real test is when they are out on their own with no supervision. That has always been my daughter's downfall.

I believe that the request to see the dogs was another attempt at manipulation. My daughter would use it, too, but when we went to the time and expense of bringing them with us to see her, she would make a fuss over them for a couple of minutes and then ignore them the rest of the time.

As far as shingles, they don't have to be painful. I had them a couple of years ago and went to the doctor almost immediately to get on an antiviral. I had a rash across the left side of my back but it was not painful. Maybe getting the antiviral so fast kept me from having a severe case. I do know another teacher at my school who got such a bad case she had to stop teaching and still has problems several years later.

RN, the holidays are always a hard time for families of addicts. It is often a time when they spiral down and drag the rest of us with them. My younger daughter said the best Christmas that we had after our older daughter started using drugs was when her sister was in an out-of-state rehab center. So it does affect the rest of the family, too.

~Kathy

 

[in a daze]

As far as shingles, they don't have to be painful. I had them a couple of years ago and went to the doctor almost immediately to get on an antiviral. I had a rash across the left side of my back but it was not painful. Maybe getting the antiviral so fast kept me from having a severe case. I do know another teacher at my school who got such a bad case she had to stop teaching and still has problems several years later.

Third time I've had them. I know what the y look like and feel like so this time and last time I went straight to the urgent care and got on the medication right away. Not really painful, but I was really tired last week, very fatigued.

 

[mof]

In a daze...ugh, shingles...no one deserves them!!

RN...He may just be snarky showing you he is where he is suppose to be. Of course you know he broke a huge rule taking a photo....it is anonymous.

I would have responded the same way...and would have gotten the same reply...na da
So it made me chuckle...don't be upset....

How did the visit go with Dad? I know your stressed...hugs

 

[BusynMember]

I think honestly and sadly he is showing you that he thinks it's bulls crap. He isnt serious.

 

[RN0441]

Ya...
He ain't buying what they're selling! He's a royal pain in my ass. I don't like my kid either right now.

And it was the backs of heads in the picture and far away but ah makes sense. I mentioned it to husband last night and he did NOT want to talk about it. That's why I have my therapist.

My husband texted that "they" would call me tonight. Son did send one text with a picture from the hotel balcony - of the ocean - he doesn't know husband checked in yesterday and already sent it. LOL Our little secret.

I'm sure husband will be ready to get away from him after two days. He's pretty intense (like his dad) and will probably will be asking for the moon as usual ;-)

 

[in a daze]

I think honestly and sadly he is showing you that he thinks it's bulls crap. He isnt serious

I'm sure he's not the only one there who isn't serious about their recovery. How many addicts go willingly into recovery homes and treatment programs? Some of them relapse over and over until they finally get it. And there is nothing that his parents can do about this but hold their boundaries and reiterate that they will accept nothing less than complete sobriety.

 

[mof]

At this point, I would love to go into recovery and look at the Ocean....heck, sign me up..I'm sure I could find a hang up I could work on at the beach.

 

[RN0441]

At this point, I would love to go into recovery and look at the Ocean....heck, sign me up..I'm sure I could find a hang up I could work on at the beach.

I'll go with you!

 

[BusynMember]

But, in truth, recovery is hard. Very hard. And not all young people like the methods used to quot. I wish they had more than just AA and NA.

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YJEBOCEAN, BUT NOT from a rehab.

 

[RN0441]

My husband called this morning. They had a good day yesterday and then stayed in the room and ordered pizza for dinner. My son said the hotel is beautiful. Right on the ocean in Hollywood, FL. Today is my son's 21st birthday.

Today he ordered room service for our son for breakfast. We never even do that! Then they are going to Miami to do some sight seeing. Later on my son's girlfriend is coming and my husband is going to pay for them to jet ski or do whatever water activities they want to do and then take them to dinner. My son is going back to her house tonight as her mother is back in the hospital again. She has stage 4 liver disease and is not doing well. Was just in the hospital last week also. My husband had planned to have him stay with him again tonight but I guess that won't happen now.

Husband says he visited son's treatment center and it is like a prison. I say his choices put him there. Husband says we have to get him in school. I said he has to get himself in school. Husband said there are really no jobs there; they are taken by illegals. I said I'm sure everyone else in his house has a job. Husband says both other guys have college degrees. One from Notre Dame.

Husband said he is the exact same as he was when he left us in March. Doesn't see any growth. I said we need to follow original plan, graduate program, sober living, college classes.

Husband said we have to try to get him into college and keep him off pills. I say he has to do that. How do we do that?? We always planned to pay for college if he does the other steps. He will need to live in sober living and take classes. We both agreed on that.

Geesh. I'm tired and I just woke up!

 

[so ready to live]

Hi RN
Some good and bad both, huh?
Was husband just "processing" everything? I do agree with you that "prison" environment is ok now. Honestly, he could be in real prison after taking someone's pills...

He will need to live in sober living and take classes. We both agreed on that.

At least you found something to both agree on! It's so difficult, my husband and I don't argue much, but if we do it nearly always has to do with Difficult Child on some level.
I think your son's very fortunate to have a mini-vacation, a girlfriend and a dad and mom that love him so much and want him well. No decisions are an emergency, watch this play out. Wait and see what kind of choices he makes in the future. With these kids it can turn on a dime.

Could you maybe engage yourself in planning something nice for you and hubs when he gets home? Dinner and something you both enjoy, just for you. A pleasant payback for being parents extraordinaire. Hugs & prayers.