Feeling sad today....

[BusynMember]

Since like hangs with like, usually a drug addict has a SO who also uses. Relationships are often based on that. Why would a straight, thriving young women hang out with a drug addict?

My daughter brought home some scary dudes with handles like Dice when she used. But some users look like peaches and apple pie if they are functional users and have jobs. My daughter looked and sounded just like any other kid...she had a job and even went to Cosmetology school and got great grades, all the while on drugs (meth). Her friends went to the Dean concerned about her and we were shocked and did not believe it when the Dean called us (denial is a wonderful homeland). She always functioned in the world, even on coke, meth, speed, whatever.

The truth is, it is probably better that they have a SO after they quit. Until they do quit, the SO at the very least is drug use friendly. Is this the same girl that helped son steal mom's morphine?

 

[mof]

Dice...lol..sorry, that's funny

 

[BusynMember]

Yes, in retrospect it is. When I asked her his real name, she looked puzzled snd said,"I really don't know. He goes by Dice." She looked sheepish.

Later, after she was drug free and in Chicago, he threatened to kill her and a friend in e-mail. On top of changing their e-mail, they printed it out snd showed the police. That was the last she heard of Dice.

 

[mof]

Ok, well that wasn't funny...I .want no harm.

Our son too bad dealers in our home...preppy normal looking kids with too much money...should have known.

 

[BusynMember]

This boy had no money. He didnt look preppy. my daughter looked normal . He looked like a zombie. He did not speak to me when introduced. His eyes were vacant. When princess and I talk about him now, we both laugh.

But once when she was visiting us in Wisconsin, we were in Walmart and suddenly she pushed me to another part of the store explaining, " Thats DICE and he's with some chick and a baby who looks like him. Lets go!"

I shudder to think of this crazy zombie with a baby. And Princess doesnt come to Wisconsin much. She, even after all this time, doesn't want to run into any of her old drug crowd. She quit FB because they would find her and try to friend her. Most are still on drugs and in and out of jail. Only one female who contacted her had taken a good path, like her.

 

[mof]

I hope some of the kids he dealt with get arrested or find a way. We will never know...most are not in our town. Pot smokers yes..but his dark days..nor here.

He never used social media, and won't.

To think they have children..ugh

 

[BusynMember]

Lots of them have chldren. its like these now almost 33 year olds never heard of birth control. Many have say two kids from two different women with no rights to see either. Some have even more kids that they cant see. Most are on probation, still on drugs. At first daughter was curious to see if any if them straightened out. After seeing enough, she quit FB and doesn't miss it. She is in touch with none of them. Refers to them as losers from her loser days. She is very honest about herself.

None of these men and women live in Illinois where my daughter is now. She is just a typical mom and housewife with my darling grandbaby today...her SO has a good job and supports them. Those drug days seem sooooooo far away....wishing all of you the same ending.

 

[RN0441]

I picked husband up at the airport yesterday morning.

He felt visit with son was good. They went to Miami and walked the strip which is what my son has wanted to do. He took him and girlfriend out for a nice steak dinner (my son's favorite) on his birthday. Swam in the ocean, pool etc.

Husband broke down to me last night and cried like a baby. I have only seen this twice in 25 years with him. He said place son is at is a hole and like a prison. Son had said it was nicer than last place so I don't get it.

He has been staying at girlfriend's house at times. They can do that as long as they follow rules, go to meetings and drug test comes back clean.

SWOT her father died of a cocaine overdose many years ago. He had his Ph.D so no slouch. Half brother went through addiction but is clean now. She does not drink or do drugs. Why is she with son? She is very overweight but quite pretty and very nice. My son is nice looking and 6'2" and sweet. He treats her nice. So I think that is WHY she is with him. He is not actively using anything. I think to him she is a good friend and they spend a lot of time together. I think she is in love with my son. This is my husband's take on it. Feels she would do anything for son. Yes that is house where he overdosed. She did not help him take the pills from mom's room. HE did that on his own. Her mom is back in hospital again; this time in Miami where there are specialists. I do not know if there are pills there and that is a worry but I can't control it. This girl has had a hard life.

I cannot control what my son does. IF he wants to stay sober he will. If not, then he has to suffer the consequences which I think he is already suffering.

My husband is going back there in October for husband's birthday for a long weekend. His 30 year old son may go also. He wants to guide our son into taking classes at the local college while in sober living after he graduates this program. I have heard that addicts use for a reason. I don't know IF that is true but I think that the father/son relationship has been very broken for a long time so if this is something that helps them both then it is a good thing. My husband is showing emotions I have never seen before and that is a good thing. I think my son was very happy to spend time with his dad and see that he is supporting him emotionally.

I am not controlling any of this. My husband is doing what he wants to do with our son and giving him guidance as a dad. I am continuing to do what I have been doing that helps me deal with it.

 

[Albatross]

RN, I am glad your husband and son had such a good visit. It sounds like they have a chance to work on their relationship, which is a wonderful thing.

He said place son is at is a hole and like a prison. Son had said it was nicer than last place so I don't get it.

I wonder if husband was maybe still in a little bit of denial about son's situation. I think it was good that he got to see it for what it is, and to see that it is a transition setting for son, a place where he will be supervised and held accountable for his choices. A place he will want to move up from when he doesn't need that supervision anymore.

That poor girl has had such a hard life, for one so young. You are right, it is not something you have any control over. I hope son is keeping his counselor in the know about it. I hope son and girlfriend are mindful of the potential traps. I think the substance abuse histories they share could definitely lead them down wrong paths, but that common ground could also be something they could use to strengthen their friendship and help them understand themselves a little better.

 

[RN0441]

Albie:
We shall see. Son went to the local college to get information. My husband is guiding him to take a few classes in January then full time in Fall when he will be a resident. Son wants to do this and husband supports it. Son is smart and as he says "we have to at least do this for him and then we are done". I don't know about all their conversations while they were together and I'm okay with that.

I have stepped waaaaaay back. Husband told son he is going to contact him every few days to see what he's doing to move forward. Getting transcripts sent etc. Husband is pushing this but maybe this will all work. Who knows. Who knows what will drive the change. I want to be optimistic but I am remaining neutral.

I think this is a result of a lot of feelings that my husband finally faced during this visit. I have actively been doing this for five years. He has not been in touch with his feelings which to me is a typical guy thing - at least in our family. Our son also expressed a lot of feelings after seeing his dad and feeling the closeness of family again after many months alone. He missed it. He sent some very touching and heartbreaking messages after he and his dad parted ways that day.

As you've all said, this is a long process that we as parents have no real control over. I don't know what the future holds for our son and our family and maybe it's better that way. I don't know.

 

[mof]

RN..

I'm glad you have a break from the decision making and drama.

We just don't know the future..and we never really know when we are done.

I have things to report...but am waiting...this is going to be a process..but son is embracing all help and has taken I initiative to find even more resources...but my mind is mush!

I'm glad you can step back and heal with some peace...it's your turn.

Hugs
Mof

 

[RN0441]

So I'm getting kind of good at this detaching thing. It's actually scaring me a bit. I am on complete protection mode for myself.

I think it is easier because my son is so far away. I don't deal with the daily drama. With my therapist last week I equated the five years of living with an addict as being in a concentration camp of sorts. While you're there your in survivor mode just to get through each day. Once it's over it hits you like a ton of bricks; then you really have the "luxury" of dealing with all the emotion and pain. Or maybe I'm just numb or dead inside? I hope not the latter.

I do feel some guilt. I've been enjoying the empty nest and we have been socializing a lot more than we ever have. Have been enjoying ourselves a lot.

Husband has been in touch with son every few days. I haven't texted him since Sunday or have had any real contact. In some ways I feel like I'm being a bad mom for not caring that much about it. I have maybe buried my feelings? I'm not sure if that is it. I just want to be happy. It's just all kind of weird.

 

[mof]

RN,

You should not feel guilty! Be happy in the now...cause tomorrow is well...a dice roll.

Your not being a bad Mom..you love your son, and have given him all the support he could have..and still are!

We can only love and support them...and now you need to support you. I think part of your peace is that Dad has now taken on the drama and emotional support.

Yeah! You did your time!

 

[RN0441]

I did just text my son during lunch and asked how he was doing. He said good. Then I asked him if he got new shoes (like dads) that dad ordered for him when he was there. Just small talk and I told him I loved him and he said it back.

Thanks Mof. You are right. I was thinking about this all morning. How we did everything when he was home and he did nothing to better himself really. He really needs to learn how to do this thing called life on his own. Right?

I can't think of any stone that I did not overturn. I really can't.

Therapist tonight. Lots to tell her.

 

[mof]

Well.wish us luck...we leave soon to see the new psychiatrist...I'm nervous...and hope I can hold it together..I had to leave the dentist yesterday to have a. Brief breakdown explaining his list of medications......sigh

 

[Kathy813]

RN, it is good that you are stepping back and letting your husband deal with your son for a while. My husband and I would often take turns when one of was overwhelmed and couldn't deal with our daughter and needed a break. Just don't let it turn into triangulation. My daughter was an expert at that.

I think you are handling things just right. Casual contact to let your son know that you love him but letting him deal with things on his own while you take care of yourself. I think that is a great example of loving detachment. It takes a long time for most parents to get to that point.

I needed long breaks from my daughter where I couldn't have any contact. I don't think that was good, though. It took working with my therapist to learn how to set boundaries and still have a relationship with her.

~Kathy

 

[RN0441]

I talked to my therapist last night and she says that I have done everything that I could do for him.

And I continue to do that but I have changed a lot. It has taken me five years of struggle and then this past few months of really working hard on myself and I think I am where I need to be and he is where he needs to be.

She also felt that my husband breaking down emotionally was a good thing. It will create empathy and allow forgiveness. My husband finally faced his emotions. They were buried very deep I think but last weekend with our son brought them out.

She said that even though my son is in IOP he is making the choice to stay sober and follow the rules. It doesn't matter why. Not everyone does that.

For now we are coasting and it is peaceful and I am very thankful for this time.

 

[ColleenB]

It sounds like things are at least stable for now, and that is a blessing...

Glad for you....