Feeling very low.

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
This is just me downloading my thoughts here, because I'm having a particularly bad day. Nothing dramatic has happened - same old stuff. Difficult Child had a "meltdown" over the weekend: broke his phone (again) and messaged mte to tell me that he had done it and that he needed to be left alone. (My husband was supposed to visit him to fix a door in the house he lives in). This sort of thing happens when he is upset or angry - he breaks things and then wants to be alone. I don't know what brought this on and I didn't ask. I didn't overreact externally, but internally I worry about what is going on, why is he avoiding us? We haven't seen him in over a month now. In any case I didn't engage, just said "OK" and he eventually messaged me late last night (on Facebook) to let me know he was okay. Haven't heard any more.

It's not the incident as such - it's minor in the scheme of things - it's more the relentlessness of wondering "what now?" Today I am in the doldrums - feeling like nothing in my life is going right. I just feel useless and hopeless in a lot of ways. I'll get over it, I'm sure, but today I feel so low that all I want to do is cry. It's not just about my son, of course, there are other things too - work and the pandemic are not helping. I'm even feeling a bit friendless right now. I have lots of lovely friends but none I can absolutely confide in about my son. Sometimes I feel like my whole life is false.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Ms. Lulu I am sorry you are feeling sad. It won't help to tell you that most of us are struggling with similar things, given our common plight, no matter where we might live.

I want first of all to tell you how glad I am to hear that your son stabilized himself. Nor do I think it is a bad thing that he wants distance now. That, to me, is an age-appropriate thing. Of course, it's a bit manipulative that your son had to give you a blow by blow of his mildly self-destructive act.

I know I struggle with some of the same things as do you. I often feel "friendless" where I live. It doesn't much help that I tell myself I have chosen this in that I don't want to be in relationships that I experience as false. I have gotten used to acting how I feel and being as I am. This can make me feel exposed. That's the price I pay for real.

I think that many millions of us are in the same situation now, as we are living in a world that none of us has ever experienced. We've kind of been thrust "out there" and "out there" feels foreign and different and new. And therein, for me, lies the opportunity and the gift. We've shed out skin and not yet developed the new. I guess that's the right thing because the "new" has not yet gelled. I choose to see this as a positive state.

My worries center now on the political. Because I fear that there is so much de-stabilization and polarization in response to all of this changing, that there may be extreme acts taken in order to settle scores. That's what scares me. But over that I have no control.

MissLulu, I feel very much a member of your club. Will you have me?
 
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newstart

Well-Known Member
This is just me downloading my thoughts here, because I'm having a particularly bad day. Nothing dramatic has happened - same old stuff. Difficult Child had a "meltdown" over the weekend: broke his phone (again) and messaged mte to tell me that he had done it and that he needed to be left alone. (My husband was supposed to visit him to fix a door in the house he lives in). This sort of thing happens when he is upset or angry - he breaks things and then wants to be alone. I don't know what brought this on and I didn't ask. I didn't overreact externally, but internally I worry about what is going on, why is he avoiding us? We haven't seen him in over a month now. In any case I didn't engage, just said "OK" and he eventually messaged me late last night (on Facebook) to let me know he was okay. Haven't heard any more.

It's not the incident as such - it's minor in the scheme of things - it's more the relentlessness of wondering "what now?" Today I am in the doldrums - feeling like nothing in my life is going right. I just feel useless and hopeless in a lot of ways. I'll get over it, I'm sure, but today I feel so low that all I want to do is cry. It's not just about my son, of course, there are other things too - work and the pandemic are not helping. I'm even feeling a bit friendless right now. I have lots of lovely friends but none I can absolutely confide in about my son. Sometimes I feel like my whole life is false.
MissLulu, There are many of us that have out of control children, we do not want to involve others because it is embarrassing and we feel they will not understand. I have met many people that do not want to share how awful it feels to have a disordered child and they think I will not understand. That happens to me a lot. Every once in a while I will meet another truthful person that will tell me how awful it is to parent an off track child.. Most of the time I feel alone in dealing with this huge problem. Even though we communicate through a computer please know that I pray for you and have genuine concern for you and your son and his behavior, I think about him in your rent home and pray for his safety. You may feel alone but you are held in my heart with others that truly give a S.
I think Copa's message to you is so precious, Will you have her? Will you have me? I hope you can feel the connection and care sent to you. You do not have to walk with rocky road alone. We are circling our wagons around you as Recovering enabler used to say, which gave me great comfort and hope it gives you great comfort too. It is truly grieving to have a child that is off track. It is pain to the deepest part of the core, just know that many of us have walked and do walk your road and genuinely understand the worry and grief that goes with it. Since your son does not have a child, he has absolutely no idea what you are going through with him, he just goes about his day trying to make his way. Huge hug to you.
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
@Copabanana and @newstart thank you both so much for your kind messages. I cried when I read them. Yes, I most definitely will have you both. Your friendship and support means the world to me. I'm working now, but will reply properly later.

L xx
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Copa, I have a strong suggestion. Please turn off the news. Please stop watching. I have and it's great.

I decided to stop worrying about what I can't control. And good news doesn't sell so the news is all hysterical in a bad way. Almost nothing that looks like may happen will happen. Live one day at the time. For background noise, put on soothing music or a less serious program.

You have to take care of yourself and getting too involved in the news is always negative, at least for me. I follow our community's corona news because I think that is important to our health. Other than that, I don't know much of what is going on.

Hugs and prayers.
 

louise2350

Active Member
I, too, Miss Lulu have been feeling down lately. I really think it has to do with this virus and not being able to be around my children and grandchildren besides hearing all that is on the news. I, too, have stopped listening to the news because most of it is so depressing - not only about all the deaths and hospitalizations over this virus, but all the violence in this world. I'm now trying to focus on positive things - I do watch a lot of programs on the PBS stations as they have a few good programs on that station and I read a lot. The library hasn't opened up yet where I live but I can order books and DVDs online from this library. They then call you when your material has arrived and leave it outside the door of the library for you to pick up. I've learned that what you feed your mind has a lot to do with your mood. Take care. Things will get better, I'm sure.
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Hello all, thanks so much for your kind words. Sorry it's taken a few days to get back to you. I was going to say I've been busy, but that's not actually true. I've just been... bleurgh. I sometimes feel that I post the same thing here over and over and that it must be frustrating for others to read.

TRIGGER WARNING - description of violent act ahead.
So, some background to what helped to spark this latest low period for me. I have been watching the news a little - mainly just to keep abreast of the Covid situation, because we are experiencing a second wave in our state, and it's much worse than the first time around. (Still very small compared to US or UK, but nevertheless worrying.) Last week there was a news story that pretty much shattered me.

(Again trigger warning as this story describes an act of family violence.)

Where I live we have very strict gun control and virtually zero gun deaths so all shooting incidents are big news here. Last weekend the following event was all over the news - it was almost impossible to avoid hearing about it. Police shot dead a young man (about my son's age) in a park. The young man had mental health issues and was stabbing his mother. She is still in a critical condition. As the days have gone by more information about their relationship has been revealed. Apparently this mother had spent years trying to help this boy, never gave up on him and this is how it ended - him dead and her critically injured. I hesitated to write about this here because I don't want to depress any of you, but in the end I decided that the only people I know who might understand how I feel are here in this community.

Coupled with the odd behaviour of my Difficult Child last week, this event made me really depressed. I guess it made me feel a bit hopeless. As much as I try to accept where things are at with my son and to lovingly detach from his life choices, somewhere deep inside I do hope for something to change. Looking at this mother and her son, I felt her pain. All the years of trying her best to get help for someone who either couldn't be (or didn't want to be) helped and it ending in tragedy.

To be clear, my son is not physically violent. I'm not afraid of him in that way and I in no way envisage anything like this happening to me. It's more about the relentlessness of living with kids like ours (whether they are in our homes or not).

Sometimes I feel like I have made huge progress and then I backslide emotionally and feel like I'm still as broken as I ever was. Since I first posted this thread, I have picked up a little and I've started to think about the progress I've made.

In my heart I know something has been going on with my Difficult Child these past few weeks. I don't know what it is. I feel anxious about what it might be. However, I have not rushed in to investigate or help. I have responded to his messages (with kind, supportive messages reminding him that I love him) and that's all. Today he texted and he seemed better. I'm not sure whether he's sorted out whatever the heck is going on with him or not, but if so that is progress for both of us. I've been emotionally low, but I've managed to stop myself from getting involved in his business. That's big step forward for me.

I will emerge from this funk eventually (I always do!) In the meantime, thanks for putting up with me.

xxx
 

louise2350

Active Member
Miss Lulu: You are going through a lot and are under a lot of stress. I can see why that news story upset you so much. I have a sister who is mentally ill. It's a long story. She came to my place when she was 22 - I was 20 at the time and she had a very serious mental illness. She had just graduated from college and was saying really crazy things. I was very afraid of her and we were alone for hours while she was in this state of mind. I lived in another state when she was in college so I didn't know how bad off she was. My parents didn't know anything about what was going on with her either because back in the 70's mental illness wasn't really spoken about that much. This incident of seeing my sister that way, really affected me for a lifetime. I could never get out of my head how she was acting and being so young myself had no understanding of her illness. I felt so responsible for her. She was hospitalized for a few months, given the right medications and was getting good professional help. Years later, she stopped taking her medications. Her doctor had told her that she needed to be on the medications for life or that she'd get sick again. I never asked her what her doctor said about her diagnosis and I don't know if her dr. even told her, but I think she has bipolar (very serious case). She even received shock treatments while she was hospitalized at the age of 22. That was years ago . Her psychiatrist told her before he retired that she must find another dr. as he was retiring but she never did. I told this sister myself that she needs to get a dr. and get back on her medications but she never did. I haven't seen or heard from her in years and honestly I don't want to since she won't get the help she needs. My brother lives in the same town as this sister does and I heard from him she is really in another world. It breaks my heart and I do relate to you feeling as you do and worrying about your son. I don't know what else to say except be kind to yourself and God is with you in all of this although at times this is hard to believe. I do hope things get better for both you and your son.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Miss Lulu

I can certainly understand why that story disturbed you. I really try to not watch much news anymore either. Between the violence, the politics and COVID it's just so depressing and I feel I cannot do anything to change any of it.

I remember when our son was using drugs, he was not HIMSELF and we were afraid of him at times when he was living in our home. One time he punched through his bedroom door because he took a gallon bottle of whiskey into his bedroom and had the door locked and we said no and he got mad. Those were horrible times. I really feel like he was possessed by the Devil at that time because everything was so out of control and scary. Nothing I mean nothing, made sense.

After we decided to relocate and our house sale fell through my husband slept in son's old bed for a few weeks to finish up things before he was to join me and he said one night he saw the Devil coming towards him in my son's room. He described it a kind of a floating Devil face. He was never so scared in his life. He pulled the covers up over his head and it went away. He still gets goosebumps when he talks about it.

When he was cleaning out the house he threw our son's bed out and found mildew all over the mattress from him throwing up and not telling anyone and it had dried on the mattress.

At the time this happened our son was already in his final faith based program that turned his life around. After dealing with our son and his addictions I came to the conclusion that there was good or evil. It was that simple. Everything good comes from God. We can surely see that there is so much evil in the world right now and this confirms everything that I have come to believe.

The bottom line for me is that we feel we want to save our children. That is such a normal feeling. But in the end we can only keep pointing them in the right direction and lead by example. They truly have to save themselves. Each of us have a very different journey in this life and no two are the same. I will never know why my son had to dip his toe in the depths of hell to come back to where he is today but it happened and there was nothing I could do about it at the time. He took us all with him unfortunately.

Stay strong and do what you need to do to stay sane. It really takes a toll on you, I know it did me. I know I will never be the same. I got through it by a lot of prayer, seeing a therapist that specialized in addiction and talking to very few friends - most didn't get it or felt sorry for me. Posting here was my lifeline. I think it is for many of us because here we all get it and we try to help one another by sharing our stories. Sometimes I would see myself in other's stories and I would get ideas or just get lifted up by knowing I wasn't the only one going through such a hard time in my life.

Stay strong.
 

louise2350

Active Member
Miss Lulu: Just wanted to say that my situation with my sister has no comparison to having a child of yours in need of help. It must be 100 times worse with a child suffering and you seeing it and unable to do anything.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Dear Ms Lulu

Let me say first how worry I am that you are feeling so low.

I am in the same boat as you. For a while my son has been living in another city. In my imagination things are going better. For me, they are. I have a sense of safety that I have not had in years. Contentment. Security. I live alone. I feel space to breathe deeply, like something or some force is not threatening to intrude every second. And I could imagine my son doing better. Out of sight. Out of mind.

M came over on the weekend after a couple of disturbing calls from my son. It took a while for me to understand his fear. Was it that my son in danger? Not primarily. It was that my son's situation was destabilizing and with it, him. That he would show up here and we would the three of us be thrust into chaos. M was worried about boundaries. That there is no way to keep 100 percent safe. There is nowhere to run.

I did call my son. Things had temporarily stabilized, he said. But the woman in the house had a knife. She has threatened to move out if he doesn't. She pays $1000. He pays $300 or $400, per his words. His friend has the lease. Who will the friend try to protect? (I had begged and begged my son not to leave the sober living where he had security and stability. I told him the likelihood of this happening. He chose not to hear.) My son's situation seems volatile and insecure at this point. Due to his personality, his habits, his choices, he can't maintain stability for long.This keeps happening. It is a cycle. This will continue to happen. And when this happens for him, he brings it all home. To me. I am with you, Ms. Lulu, in your club.

I think what you write is both real and true, and cautionary. We can't stop somebody's destiny. Not even our own. There is no way to formulate or put into place a history that guards against contingency. That's as good as it is bad. If we could make 100 percent barricades from suffering and the emergent in life we would never grow and evolve. What I am saying here is not negative, at least I don't mean it that way.

There is only one thing that makes sense for us. To keep trudging on. To guard and protect and extend the peace and the control we have where we have it. Our sons are grown men. They have to deal with the emergent and the suffering in their lives, or they won't grow and evolve. Just like we do. End of story.

Now the whole world is living this contingency. It always did but not at this level of consciousness. Maybe some good will come of it. I don't know another way to think or to feel. Love.
 
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MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Hello everyone, I'm having a better day today, so thought I would post while I'm not feeling so bad!

Nothing's changed (I'm not sure it ever will) but I feel a bit better in myself today.

@RN0441 thank you for your kind words. Your son's story always gives me hope that better times are ahead.

@louise2350 thank you for sharing your experience with your sister. I really appreciate your support

@Copabanana, I completely understand the "Out of sight, out of mind" thing. In some ways I crave it. My son lives too close to me to be completely 'out of sight'. We live in a small town and he lives in a nearby town. Everyone here knows everyone else's business, which adds to my distress at times. When I'm feeling distressed about my son one of the things I wish is that he would move far away (or that I could!) Then I feel guilty. What sort of a mother wishes for her child to be far away from her? Sometimes I read Beta's posts and I wish I could be more like her. No matter what happens with her son she craves for him to be nearby, whereas I am the opposite.

Copa, I hope things settle with your son. It's such a rollercoaster we are on. We can work on ourselves, yes that's true and I know both you are I are doing our best in that regard. But it's so hard (for me at least) to completely detach from those children we nurtured and loved (love).

After all this time I'm still weighed down by fear and guilt. Still in the FOG somewhat. (The obligation part I'm better at. I don't feel that as strongly anymore.)

I think the violent incident I described earlier (the mother who was stabbed) disturbed me so much not because of what happened at the end (as dreadful as that was). It was more the outpouring of sympathy for that woman that made me crack. Not that she didn't deserve it - of course she did - but I wondered whether there was any sympathy or support for her in all the years she'd been dealing with this boy. Did her family, friends and community support her? Were there professionals involved? Did they try to help? Of course I don't know the answers to these questions, but in my imagination she was like me, struggling with a child who makes no sense to her, by and large without the support of others.

Of course, I do have support. I have my husband, who is wonderful. And I have all of you, who I am deeply grateful for.
 

Beta

Well-Known Member
Just wanted to interject a hello and say that I just prayed for each of you here on this post. May God give you wisdom and comfort and strength to do what is best and right.

I too have been affected greatly by the news and have stopped listening to it. I found I was feeling like I wanted to just die, just to get away from the hopelessness of it all. I still have to remind myself that there is nothing happening that God is not aware of and that He is ultimately sovereign over this world. People can do what they want, but He will have the last word.
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Thank you for your prayers, @Beta, they are very much appreciated. How are things with you? How's the job search going?

Things are the same here. Nothing has changed. Haven't heard from Difficult Child for almost a week. I am trying hard not to text him. I feel our relationship works better when he makes the first move. Even the friendliest of communication from me gets treated as intrusive, so I am leaving him be. It's hard. Every day I think of him and my stomach knots. But I have moments - sometimes whole hours - where I think about other things now. I am nowhere near being "okay" but I have better days now.
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Hi Miss LuLu,

I hope you were able to get some sleep, I see you posted at 2:03 a.m. I hope you are gradually getting stronger. The stomach knots are the worst! I would like to suggest a few scriptures about worry, if that is something you believe. Sometimes they help me through.
30 Bible Verses to Help Beat Worry and Anxiety - Encouraging Scripture Quotes

I can only offer suggestions to practice being" present" and sent warm fuzzies for your mood and finding hope during down times. It is easier to let go of worry if you are living in the present because the past and worry for the future is where the knots grow. in my opinion.

I hope you start feeling 100% soon. You are doing great, Keep posting, I love hearing from you.
Hugs,
JMOM
 

newstart

Well-Known Member
Hello all, thanks so much for your kind words. Sorry it's taken a few days to get back to you. I was going to say I've been busy, but that's not actually true. I've just been... bleurgh. I sometimes feel that I post the same thing here over and over and that it must be frustrating for others to read.

TRIGGER WARNING - description of violent act ahead.
So, some background to what helped to spark this latest low period for me. I have been watching the news a little - mainly just to keep abreast of the Covid situation, because we are experiencing a second wave in our state, and it's much worse than the first time around. (Still very small compared to US or UK, but nevertheless worrying.) Last week there was a news story that pretty much shattered me.

(Again trigger warning as this story describes an act of family violence.)

Where I live we have very strict gun control and virtually zero gun deaths so all shooting incidents are big news here. Last weekend the following event was all over the news - it was almost impossible to avoid hearing about it. Police shot dead a young man (about my son's age) in a park. The young man had mental health issues and was stabbing his mother. She is still in a critical condition. As the days have gone by more information about their relationship has been revealed. Apparently this mother had spent years trying to help this boy, never gave up on him and this is how it ended - him dead and her critically injured. I hesitated to write about this here because I don't want to depress any of you, but in the end I decided that the only people I know who might understand how I feel are here in this community.

Coupled with the odd behaviour of my Difficult Child last week, this event made me really depressed. I guess it made me feel a bit hopeless. As much as I try to accept where things are at with my son and to lovingly detach from his life choices, somewhere deep inside I do hope for something to change. Looking at this mother and her son, I felt her pain. All the years of trying her best to get help for someone who either couldn't be (or didn't want to be) helped and it ending in tragedy.

To be clear, my son is not physically violent. I'm not afraid of him in that way and I in no way envisage anything like this happening to me. It's more about the relentlessness of living with kids like ours (whether they are in our homes or not).

Sometimes I feel like I have made huge progress and then I backslide emotionally and feel like I'm still as broken as I ever was. Since I first posted this thread, I have picked up a little and I've started to think about the progress I've made.

In my heart I know something has been going on with my Difficult Child these past few weeks. I don't know what it is. I feel anxious about what it might be. However, I have not rushed in to investigate or help. I have responded to his messages (with kind, supportive messages reminding him that I love him) and that's all. Today he texted and he seemed better. I'm not sure whether he's sorted out whatever the heck is going on with him or not, but if so that is progress for both of us. I've been emotionally low, but I've managed to stop myself from getting involved in his business. That's big step forward for me.

I will emerge from this funk eventually (I always do!) In the meantime, thanks for putting up with me.

xxx
Went thought and read this post again and noticed I hit the report button by accident. I changed it right away and feel horrible that I was not more careful. I have no idea how that happened. Sorry.
 

newstart

Well-Known Member
Miss Lulu

I can certainly understand why that story disturbed you. I really try to not watch much news anymore either. Between the violence, the politics and COVID it's just so depressing and I feel I cannot do anything to change any of it.

I remember when our son was using drugs, he was not HIMSELF and we were afraid of him at times when he was living in our home. One time he punched through his bedroom door because he took a gallon bottle of whiskey into his bedroom and had the door locked and we said no and he got mad. Those were horrible times. I really feel like he was possessed by the Devil at that time because everything was so out of control and scary. Nothing I mean nothing, made sense.

After we decided to relocate and our house sale fell through my husband slept in son's old bed for a few weeks to finish up things before he was to join me and he said one night he saw the Devil coming towards him in my son's room. He described it a kind of a floating Devil face. He was never so scared in his life. He pulled the covers up over his head and it went away. He still gets goosebumps when he talks about it.

When he was cleaning out the house he threw our son's bed out and found mildew all over the mattress from him throwing up and not telling anyone and it had dried on the mattress.

At the time this happened our son was already in his final faith based program that turned his life around. After dealing with our son and his addictions I came to the conclusion that there was good or evil. It was that simple. Everything good comes from God. We can surely see that there is so much evil in the world right now and this confirms everything that I have come to believe.

The bottom line for me is that we feel we want to save our children. That is such a normal feeling. But in the end we can only keep pointing them in the right direction and lead by example. They truly have to save themselves. Each of us have a very different journey in this life and no two are the same. I will never know why my son had to dip his toe in the depths of hell to come back to where he is today but it happened and there was nothing I could do about it at the time. He took us all with him unfortunately.

Stay strong and do what you need to do to stay sane. It really takes a toll on you, I know it did me. I know I will never be the same. I got through it by a lot of prayer, seeing a therapist that specialized in addiction and talking to very few friends - most didn't get it or felt sorry for me. Posting here was my lifeline. I think it is for many of us because here we all get it and we try to help one another by sharing our stories. Sometimes I would see myself in other's stories and I would get ideas or just get lifted up by knowing I wasn't the only one going through such a hard time in my life.

Stay strong.
Hi RN, I am glad you wrote about the devil in the room, I always wanted more details and you just answered it. I understand clearly what your husband went through.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
Sorry I am late to this. I truly hope that you are feeling better now, even if it is just in some small way. I know what it is like to feel that your child's life is so complicated, and they are so out of control that they will sink before they ever have a chance to even learn to float. I remember the soul-stealing feeling that nothing was ever going to get better. I used to wonder where Wiz would be by the time he reached age 18. From the time he was about 9 to age 15 or 16, I used to have nightmares about visiting him in prison. I still think it is an absolute miracle that he didn't do anything that would send him to prison. Or at least he wasn't caught. I remember when he was 15 I used to wonder if he would ever turn into the sweet, loving little boy he was before Jess learned to move around on her own.

There is hope. If my kid can turn his life around, ANYONE can.
 

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
Thanks @susiestar. It's great to hear stories like yours. My son is stable right now (as far as I know - I haven't seen him in the flesh for a couple of months) but I live in fear of the next dramatic episode. He's 24 and I am resigned to the fact that this may be as good as it gets for him. (He's employed and living away from home, which is good). I try not to get bogged down in the "what ifs" but the truth is, they're always there.

I haven't been on here for awhile. We've had a spike in corona virus in our state and have had to go back into a strict lockdown. I have my youngest doing remote learning from home and my middle child is also living with us and studying his university course online. Things have been a little more hectic in some ways (just with all the people in the house all the time!)

Anyway, there's nothing new. We haven't heard from Difficult Child for a week and a half. I just texted to say not to forget to call his brother for his 21st birthday on Saturday, but he hasn't responded, which is typical. He only responds when he wants something. In some ways the lockdown makes things easier. He can't come here because of the restrictions and in some ways that's a blessing. I would like to hear from him and to know he's okay, but that's out of my control. Even so, right this minute my stomach is in knots because I texted and he hasn't replied. I need to distract myself and try to think about something else.

Personally, I'm still having good days and bad. some days I barely think of him, but others I can barely think about anything else. I'm grateful for the good days...
 

newstart

Well-Known Member
Thanks @susiestar. It's great to hear stories like yours. My son is stable right now (as far as I know - I haven't seen him in the flesh for a couple of months) but I live in fear of the next dramatic episode. He's 24 and I am resigned to the fact that this may be as good as it gets for him. (He's employed and living away from home, which is good). I try not to get bogged down in the "what ifs" but the truth is, they're always there.

I haven't been on here for awhile. We've had a spike in corona virus in our state and have had to go back into a strict lockdown. I have my youngest doing remote learning from home and my middle child is also living with us and studying his university course online. Things have been a little more hectic in some ways (just with all the people in the house all the time!)

Anyway, there's nothing new. We haven't heard from Difficult Child for a week and a half. I just texted to say not to forget to call his brother for his 21st birthday on Saturday, but he hasn't responded, which is typical. He only responds when he wants something. In some ways the lockdown makes things easier. He can't come here because of the restrictions and in some ways that's a blessing. I would like to hear from him and to know he's okay, but that's out of my control. Even so, right this minute my stomach is in knots because I texted and he hasn't replied. I need to distract myself and try to think about something else.

Personally, I'm still having good days and bad. some days I barely think of him, but others I can barely think about anything else. I'm grateful for the good days...
Hi MissLuLu, Back in the days when my daughter was 24 there was My space social media, it used to tell if someone has checked in and what time. I was not connected to my daughter but you could still see if the person checked in, that is how I knew if she was still alive because I could see if she checked in and at what time. It gave me relief because at least I knew she was alive. Sometimes just knowing your child is still alive is relief.
I have made friends with my daughter's neighbors and they are good to inform of stuff going on in my rent home. They called to tell me the boyfriend shot off all kinds of fireworks and left the trash all over the place.
I had also talked to some of my daughters friends, I would ask them if they saw her and if she looked ok.
I tried to find ways where I could just know she was ok so I could sleep at night. Some of her friends that knew how off the rocker she was would call me to let me know how she was doing.

I know how you feel and you just want to know how he is doing. Wish you could put a tracker on his car. That way you know he is alive and out and about. One of my daughter's boyfriends put a tracker on her phone and it gave all of us much relief. We just have to know that they are ok. I hope you find a way to relieve this pain, and it is an agonizing pain, the not knowing.
 
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