I'm reading along JKF. You did a terrific job. I know how hard it is, but you did it. Big hugs. xoxox
Fighting the Guilt Demons
- Thread starter JKF
- Start date
JKF
Well-Known Member
He's out of the hospital but someone called me today to let me know he left his prescriptions behind. I texted him and let him know and he said ok and that he would get them. Who knows if he will. I think right now he's with his paternal uncle. He posted some pics on FB and he seems happy and content and even looks healthier than I've seen him look in a long time. I guess a week long hospital stay works wonders for some. I'm emotionally and physically drained from trying to stay strong and keep my boundaries in place. Younger son is headed to a week long sleep away camp on Sun so husband and I are gonna head up to Lake George for 4 days and spend some much needed alone time together. I'm REALLY looking forward to our getaway. I might never come back!!! At this point a remote cabin on a lake sounds like somewhere I could happily stay for a long time!
JKF
Well-Known Member
Actually he just called to tell me he's not staying with his uncle and that he's sleeping in the woods in a tent. I was very neutral and said oh ok and quickly changed the subject but I feel like I got punched in the gut. Ugh! Time to step back and stop taking every call. That tactic has worked well in the past but we've fallen into a talking several times a day pattern over the last week. Definitely not a healthy thing for me to do.
Albatross
Well-Known Member
I am so glad your son is out of the hospital and looks and feels healthier.
I think you handled the news about sleeping in a tent in the woods perfectly. I do wonder why he felt compelled to tell you that. I really like your idea about dropping the frequency of his calls.
Your long weekend on the lake sounds wonderful! I hope you have a relaxing time of it.
I think you handled the news about sleeping in a tent in the woods perfectly. I do wonder why he felt compelled to tell you that. I really like your idea about dropping the frequency of his calls.
Your long weekend on the lake sounds wonderful! I hope you have a relaxing time of it.
JKF
Well-Known Member
I think he tells me those things to try and rouse me into telling him to come live here instead. It will never happen and it truly kills me a little every time he says things like that. I'm sitting out back with my husband tonight having a couple of drinks and I keep looking at the sky and imagining him under the same stars alone in his tent in the woods. It's not a good feeling. It hurts me to the core but I know what I need to do in order to keep moving forward.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
JKF, I'm glad you're having a drink with your hubby.
Try to remember that it's possible he is sleeping in somebody's apartment. They are so good at that. But, of course, you wouldn't feel as bad if you were told that. It is probably best to take everything he says with a grain of salt. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not.
You and your family gave him sooooooooooooo many chances to have a good place to sleep. He, at this point in his life, is one of those who can not follow anyone's rules. He is where he needs to be, wherever that is, because he is not yet ready to conform to society. He is not the only one and there is a big homeless community and they look out for one another and know where to go for beds and food and other services.
He knows how to behave if he decides he wants to go to a rehab or a shelter, but so far he has been unwilling. This may not last forever.
Enjoy your time with your husband looking at the stars, the same stars all of us share.
Try to remember that it's possible he is sleeping in somebody's apartment. They are so good at that. But, of course, you wouldn't feel as bad if you were told that. It is probably best to take everything he says with a grain of salt. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not.
You and your family gave him sooooooooooooo many chances to have a good place to sleep. He, at this point in his life, is one of those who can not follow anyone's rules. He is where he needs to be, wherever that is, because he is not yet ready to conform to society. He is not the only one and there is a big homeless community and they look out for one another and know where to go for beds and food and other services.
He knows how to behave if he decides he wants to go to a rehab or a shelter, but so far he has been unwilling. This may not last forever.
Enjoy your time with your husband looking at the stars, the same stars all of us share.
SeekingStrength
Well-Known Member
JKF,
I am so happy for you going on this trip. It sounds great and just what might do you some good.
In fact, it sounds perfect.
Not so many years ago, my son was hiding from federal marshals in the woods near here. It was cold, very cold. I felt so sad for him. One day I left work at lunch to drive around the area. There were state trooper cars parked along the highway. It was so horrible.
I called the "chief" federal marshal in charge a couple times, just to know Difficult Child had not been killed. She was curt, as in, "Do you know where he is?!? No, we have not shot him."
I still felt sorry for him, worried about Difficult Child in the elements, and wondering why/how could he do this? He was trying hard to avoid consequences (incarceration time) he had earned.
So, although our Difficult Child's circumstances are very different, I understand the looking at the moon and sky, knowing they were looking down on my son in the cold woods and husband and me at home. Yes, husband and I were with drinks.
After they caught Difficult Child, they gave us his clothes, covered in blood and one shoe. I kept that bag for a couple years. One day I ran across them in a closet and wondered why the heck I had kept remnants of such a horrible time....and threw them away.
And, today? I see it so differently. Sure, it was past sad. But, it was his choice, his road to take.
Darn, don't we have stories??
YOU, take care of YOU, JKF. I look forward to a trip report. : )
Your son has his own trip to take. And, we hope for the best for his journey.
Stay close,
SS
I am so happy for you going on this trip. It sounds great and just what might do you some good.
In fact, it sounds perfect.
Not so many years ago, my son was hiding from federal marshals in the woods near here. It was cold, very cold. I felt so sad for him. One day I left work at lunch to drive around the area. There were state trooper cars parked along the highway. It was so horrible.
I called the "chief" federal marshal in charge a couple times, just to know Difficult Child had not been killed. She was curt, as in, "Do you know where he is?!? No, we have not shot him."
I still felt sorry for him, worried about Difficult Child in the elements, and wondering why/how could he do this? He was trying hard to avoid consequences (incarceration time) he had earned.
So, although our Difficult Child's circumstances are very different, I understand the looking at the moon and sky, knowing they were looking down on my son in the cold woods and husband and me at home. Yes, husband and I were with drinks.
After they caught Difficult Child, they gave us his clothes, covered in blood and one shoe. I kept that bag for a couple years. One day I ran across them in a closet and wondered why the heck I had kept remnants of such a horrible time....and threw them away.
And, today? I see it so differently. Sure, it was past sad. But, it was his choice, his road to take.
Darn, don't we have stories??
YOU, take care of YOU, JKF. I look forward to a trip report. : )
Your son has his own trip to take. And, we hope for the best for his journey.
Stay close,
SS
Childofmine
one day at a time
JKF and SS, I am feeling the feelings right now...revisiting the feelings I felt when difficult child was four hours away, sleeping outside over Christmas, when it was freezing cold and texting me over and over to come get him, pulling every string there was. It still hurts to remember how awful that felt and how hard it was to do nothing. Finally I had to say stop contacting me. I could not take it and my Mind and heart were spinning and spinning. Everything I believed about myself and family and love and responsibility and faith and Values was called into question. I wasn't even sure who I was anymore. I sure didn't know who he was. My grief was profound.
Later I found out that most of the time he was inside at the McDonald's, using the phones of the people who worked there, smoking their cigarettes and one girl who worked there took his clothes home to wash sometimes. Unbelievable.
Unless we have a live video camera recording their every movement, all we have to go on is what they say. They tell us what they want to tell us to trigger us to act on behalf of them. Even after years pass, and we hold the line, they still often "give it a try" because hey, it worked for so long and it might work again.
For me, in times like these, I had to restrict contact in order to function and not go out of my mind. I think what they do is one of the cruelest "tricks" one person can play on another in a relationship where there is love at its core. It is everything wrong and deceptive and makes a mockery of the love of a child for a parent. And of a parent for a child.
All of this hurts so so badly and having distance and time allows us to get back to level ground and collect ourselves again.
We can't go down in the hole with them for two reasons. One, it solves nothing. And two, it prevents them from having a chance to change. Doing what you both have learned to do is the truest and highest love, I believe. You are giving your sons a gift of immeasurable proportion. The greatest gift anyone can give another person---the space they need to live their own lives and chart their own destiny and determine who they really are and what they are capable of.
Warm hugs for your hurting heart. I wish I could sit outside with you and look at those stars together in silent solidarity. You are not alone in this. We are here with you.
Later I found out that most of the time he was inside at the McDonald's, using the phones of the people who worked there, smoking their cigarettes and one girl who worked there took his clothes home to wash sometimes. Unbelievable.
Unless we have a live video camera recording their every movement, all we have to go on is what they say. They tell us what they want to tell us to trigger us to act on behalf of them. Even after years pass, and we hold the line, they still often "give it a try" because hey, it worked for so long and it might work again.
For me, in times like these, I had to restrict contact in order to function and not go out of my mind. I think what they do is one of the cruelest "tricks" one person can play on another in a relationship where there is love at its core. It is everything wrong and deceptive and makes a mockery of the love of a child for a parent. And of a parent for a child.
All of this hurts so so badly and having distance and time allows us to get back to level ground and collect ourselves again.
We can't go down in the hole with them for two reasons. One, it solves nothing. And two, it prevents them from having a chance to change. Doing what you both have learned to do is the truest and highest love, I believe. You are giving your sons a gift of immeasurable proportion. The greatest gift anyone can give another person---the space they need to live their own lives and chart their own destiny and determine who they really are and what they are capable of.
Warm hugs for your hurting heart. I wish I could sit outside with you and look at those stars together in silent solidarity. You are not alone in this. We are here with you.
Last edited:
SeekingStrength
Well-Known Member
Terry, I have never shared this before on our forum.
A few hours after posting, I freaked a little, afraid I had identified myself to all the world. So, I Googled it. My Difficult Child's story never came up, after pages and pages of hits. Apparently, many moms have Difficult Child's who hide in the woods from federal marshals.
I feel so badly for all of them. I never even knew.
SS
Lil
Well-Known Member
Oh yes. I've been looking at this little "resort" which consists of four cabins in the Ozark mountains, electric, AC and heat and hot water, but no TV (they have them for DVD's if you bring them) and no cell signal. One has a waterfall and private natural pool with otters playing in it where you can swim. It sounds like heaven. I want to go there forever right now.
My son dropped hints today that he'd like a tent. Went on about how the homeless people he knew that didn't stay at the shelter had lived quite well in a tent and he'd get along fine if he had one of those. I told him to find two branches and prop his tarp up. I have to admit, part of me wanted to buy him a tent. But I put enough money today toward this folly of his.
SS, your story brought tears to my eyes. I think of all those mothers - like you - and it makes me feel very humble.
Albatross
Well-Known Member
SS, your story made me tear up, then your search to make sure you hadn't compromised your anonymity gave me goosebumps. What stories so many of us share.Apparently, many moms have difficult child's who hide in the woods from federal marshals.
And we don't shut down. We come here and we post and share and boost each other up and reach out. It's all really quite remarkable.
