You would think that I would feel like I was doing everything in my power to do something about it, not just for my son...
Me: sad, can't stop crying, want attorney to sue the pants off the system, lost, not coping well
Remember the phrase The Banality of Evil in the book of the same name about the trial of Adolph Eichmann. I never read it but will try to soon.
I think the underlying theme is that we think that evil wears horns but it really looks like us. Eichmann was a bland functionary who sent thousands to their death. Without a thought.
The people who hurt your son were probably civil servants with a mortgage, or on the way to one.
You had no choice but to turn your child over to their custody. They were mandated by the Constitution to protect him because he was in their care, a child.
They did not. Instead they tried to destroy him, you, and all of us, putting ahead of the public trust their absence of morality, lack of integrity, personal powerlessness and self-hatred.
How could that not unnerve any parent, if not permanently deprive them of the capacity for trust or security?
On the FOO thread we talk a lot about believing as small girls that it was our fault that people hurt or neglected us, because we are bad. We accept that we are bad because it would be worse to feel that we are targeted for no reason. We gain a false belief that we have some control, at a great price.
I think victims of trauma and parents of difficult children hang on to the same illusion as do victimized children. I caused this bad thing to happen. Because if we accepted we and our children are so vulnerable, and we cannot control or stop it, it would be too scary.
This is why I think you still feel powerless and want to take action, almost anything: to reverse this sense of victimization and impotence. PASA how could you not feel this way?
You were powerless to stop the authorities when they put your son in the juvenile prison. You had no control and were forced to trust others. When he was there you were forced to believe those entrusted to care for him would do so. Instead they abused him. On purpose.
This is not on TV. This happened to you and your child. What in heaven's name would make this trauma go away in 2 weeks?
My son and I went on the train Friday. My son became verbally aggressive towards a train employee. By the time I arrived 3 burly men were ready to eject my son from the train in the middle of nowhere.
I saw these men to be perfectly calm, absent of ego. I saw that they handled themselves with responsibility, thoughtfulness and with kindness. Consequently I had the confidence they would protect the passengers, the train and my son. Because of their conduct I had no sense what so ever that they served anything other than the public good.
With your child the exact opposite occurred. In every way.
In every respect these people destroyed any sense in you that you or those close to you would be safe from them anywhere. Anytime.
You did not allow this. You were forced to it. You lived it. You witnessed it. The Banality of Evil. How could you feel differently than you do?
This is a life changing event you experienced. Whether
you were beaten or not.
Your child was placed in danger, in peril, by the very people responsible to protect him. This is among the most difficult of situations in which a parent can be placed.
Everything in a parent's heart clings to the idea that she can protect her child. She cannot. We cannot. That you were unable to protect your son from this PASA is not your fault.