First Post: 23 year old Daughter Drains Our Bank and Driving Us Crazy

[LavenderShoremaid]

I'm new here. Been lurking for awhile and so glad I found these forums! Okay so where do I begin? Without writing a book. Our youngest has been living away from home for about close to 2 years now. In that time she has stolen close to 8,000-10,000 $ from us. She decided she did not want to go the route of college instead trying to work. In the beginning it was fine she had a job at the mall but it was seasonal and she was let go. We told her from the beginning that we could not support her financially. Due to a raise and update with my husbands status at work we were able to give her some supplemental money for her food and rent. She is now doing an occasional job cleaning houses but doesn't make much money at it because she has not built up enough clients.

She lives with a couple of girls and they split the rent so she could be near her best friend from high school. This friend has been a bad influence all of her life but since she was her only friend we tolerated her. Best friend has a child of her own born right after high school with a deadbeat baby-daddy boyfriend she lives with him at his parents. Anyway the influence of the "friend" got my daughter arrested in high school for shoplifting. They both did juvie community service. The friend's family knows no other way of life but stealing from people. So this has been my kid's influence and apparently role-models. Anyway back to our story: My daughter has done a complete turnaround in personality she seems to hate us intensely, feels we OWE her EVERYTHING, and lies to get what she wants, tries to guilt us into getting things/money from us. She keeps having one excuse after another for money problems.

She claims she was robbed multiple times. Her account was hacked. She had a miscarriage. Then she had been raped and had to have an abortion.Tried to commit suicide (cutting mainly). Robbed again. Now she claims she is pregnant once again (now) even though she claims she takes BC. She even maxed out her best friends cards at the mall on clothes.

We have had to close our bank account and open a new one. She used my and my hubs atm card info to take money. She also stole a check from us and forged it. Then with our check information she drained our bank account. We have not pressed charges but thought long and hard about doing so and letting her take the consequences. This most recent theft was over 3,500. We have changed all the passwords on every account. Gotten a new bank account. She has not been allowed back to our home. She lives 30 min. from us in another state so it would no problem to just drop by. Our new policy now is lock up the cash, checkbooks, purse, jewelry and laptops in the lockable file cabinets when we leave the house or by chance she stops by.

The part I don't understand is where the HATRED comes from? She was a happy kid and given every opportunity. Play dates, karate classes, music lessons, ballet, gymnastics etc. She had a undetermined learning disability throughout school. I feel she has undiagnosed ADHD which has accelerated since her teens. Doesn't excuse her actions in knowing right from wrong. She seems to have taken on the best friends issues she has with her own family. Friend was told she was a much anticipated child (girl) but the mother has rejected/put her down at every turn. She favors the older brothers and forgives them every time through every jail sentence. Now my daughter seems to have taken this on as her own story (not true). She has an older sister who lives with us that has Asperger's-they were treated equally in our eyes. They have a sisterly jealousy but nothing serious. I don't understand where any of this is coming from or why it's happening.

Any suggestions or thoughts are appreciated. I've read through some of your stories and see a lot of similarities and share the pain.

 

[BusynMember]

Many thoughts.

1. If my child stole from me I would have pressed charges. Nobody can steal from me and get away with it. I tend to teach my adult sons and daughters consequences. At any rate, none would steal from me.

2. ADHD is no excuse for bad behavior or bad choices. My son has autism and works two jobs, lives in his own place on his dime and is the sweetest young man I know...i get compliments about him all the time. We dont supplement his money. I always think that is a bad idea. There are plenty of food pantries and there is assistance for food. You didnt tell us if daughter is using drugs???

3. It is your choice to let her manipulative words guilt you. You can choose not to be manipulated. You can choose not to engage her when she starts hinting at money. She took enough of your money. You can stop the talking or texting at the first hint of abuse or begging.

4. At your daughters age, it isnt her friends fa00ult that you daughter behaves badly. Your daughter is 100% responsible. She is friends with this other woman for a reason...like people hang around together. Be honest and admit nobody put a gun to your daughters head and forced her to act like a criminal. She owns everything she did and does. She could leave this friend. She is not a little girl...she is old enough to leave if she wants. Dont think of who she once was...who she is today is what matters.

5. None of us understand our diffult men and woman children. We are basically good to great parents whose adult children did not turn out to be typical thriving adults. But its not your fault. Many things affect thrm all...peers, how school went, environmet in our cities, personality, divorce, intelligence, common sense and most of all DNA. You did not cause this. You will never figure it out. None of us know why. Dont look at yourself.

Most of all I feel you need to protect yourself from your daughter. Does she have a conscience? I worry that she may not and could hurt you further. Do you have other family? They must also be protected.

Im still stunned by how much money she took yet still wants more. At this point in time, she is a full grown 23 year old woman and right now is not nice or trustworthy. And she is quite entitled...expecting way too much from you. Stop the Bank of Mom.

She also could very well be a pathological liar. Her stories can not all be true...excuses to get money from you methinks.

She perhaps has antisocial personality disorder. Look that up on the internet...you know her better than we do here.

You need to take care of yourself first. Limit contact with this daughter if she stresses you out. Dont lwt her in your house...she stole once and did not pay you back. What is she capable of? Meet her in neutral places such as coffee shops where she has no access to your belongings.

Do you see a therapist? Many of us would be far worse off without one. This is a good forum, but nothing is as good as real life professional support. We are just a start.

Welcome to our group!!

 

[susiestar]

I am BEGGING you to change every single lock on your home. BEGGING you. That locking file cabinet is NOT secure. PLEASE secure your entire property so that WHEN she decides to drop in again to get more information, it is clearly a break in and not a 'visit'.

Do not forget to protect your information. Go and run a credit check NOW. I mean as soon as you read this. Selling your information or opening up credit cards in your name and using them is incredibly easy and would be right up her alley. Also check your other daughter's name because that sounds especially like something she would do. Check all 3 credit bureaus and then see how bad the situation is and figure out what, if anything, you need to do. Run those reports at least yearly because this will occur to her at some point. Or to her friend.

I know you love her, but you cannot trust her even one tiny bit. If her mouth is moving, she is lying. If she is communicating, she is lying (most communication is nonverbal). Actions show people who we are. Your daughter is SCREAMING at you with her actions, but you are not getting it. She isn't the sweet little girl that you took to lessons and gave a good life to. She has chosen to live a life of crime. You cannot protect her from it. All you can do it chose to let her see the consequences of her actions.

Consequences are incredibly important. They are how we learn. If she will steal $3500 from you, she will steal a lot more from a stranger. Sooner or later someone is going to either put her in prison for a very long time or they are going to hurt her for taking something that isn't hers. It may be kinder in the long run for you to press charges for what she steals from you .

I don't know who handles your older daughter's finances, if she is able to handle her own money. If your younger daughter has stolen her identity and destroyed her credit, you may have to investigate to see if she has taken advantage in other ways. I am sorry to have to suggest this.

 

[RN0441]

Welcome Lavender:

Sorry that you have to be here but glad you found us! If you can learn anything from any of our suffering, then please do!

I do not have any experience with this except with my son who has a problem with addiction so stole from us and did not act like himself, but I do agree that you need to change all your locks and make sure she knows she is not allowed to come to your home.

I would see a therapist also if I were you (I do for myself) to help you establish firm boundaries with her and learn to begin to detach yourself from her and her behaviors. You do not need to continue to be her "victims" over and over again. It does not mean that you do not love her; it means you have to protect your own heart.

More will be along with advice but stay with us and keep posting because it does help!

 

[Tanya M]

Welcome Lavender! I'm so sorry for what you are going through but you are not alone.

I agree with @SomewhereOutThere and @susiestar, they have given you good input.
Because your daughter has had access to so much of your personal information you really should put a credit block on all three reporting agencies for both you and your husband. I have done this for myself and my husband. What this does is if anyone were to try and open a credit card account or get a loan under my or husband's name or social security number they would not be able to because as soon as they would go to check our credit, they would see a block. Now, if husband and I want to get a loan we lift the block for a short period of time (like 3 days) and we tell the people they have a small window of time to check our credit and why.
You may also want to get a real safe that weighs 150 or more pounds, something that is not easily carried off. If not a safe then perhaps a safety deposit box at your bank. I would not trust a locking file cabinet. I screwdriver and a hammer would pop that open pretty quick.

We have had to close our bank account and open a new one. She used my and my hubs atm card info to take money. She also stole a check from us and forged it. Then with our check information she drained our bank account. We have not pressed charges but thought long and hard about doing so and letting her take the consequences.

The thought of pressing charges against our own child is hard to process. Here's how I look at it; if a stranger stole from me I would not hesitate to press charges. It should be no different with our own children. My son has stolen from me numerous times and I did not hesitate to press charges. When we, the parents do not press charges we are sending a message to our out of control kids that their thieving behavior is ok. Not only will they continue to steal from us, they will move onto other victims. Pressing charges is not guarantee that they will stop stealing but it does hold them accountable.

The part I don't understand is where the HATRED comes from?

The hatred comes from them knowing that their life is out of control but they do not want to put forth the work and effort to make amends. We the parents are the easiest target to lay blame on. There are so many parents here on this site that have afforded their kids a good safe home with stability and love and yet these kids make life choices that lead them down very dark paths. They do not want to own responsibility for their own choices and actions so they blame us or anyone else.

You have the truth on your side. You raised your daughter the very best you could. Don't buy into her hype of blaming you. Also, while her friend may have been a bad influence your daughter went along willingly.

Please take some time to read this article on detachment. It's really helpful.
Article on Detachment

I'm so glad you found us here. Stay close and let us know how things are going.

((HUGS)) to you.................

 

[DoneDad]

you've gotten good advice here already. The situation won't chang until you change it. You can keep on being her victims, or you can decide not to. When (not if) she steals again, press charges. It may seem harsh, but it's what you have to do to make a change.

 

[Catmom]

Great advice from everyone. I remember slinking around the subjects like "it isn't my son but his bad friends" and the "he sells drugs but doesn't have a problem himself". And most important "He got caught because his friend's were criminals". These ppl here set me on the straight path and made me realize that my son was no different then his friends. Unfortunately, he was a thief, a drug dealer, doing drugs, and other criminal activity and as an adult, it's not about this person or that person is a bad influence or a good influence bc at the end of the day my son is a big boy and has made his own decisions. Trust the people on this site. My son is currently in jail and I was surprised with what he was up to in his "spare time". Shocked even. I got smart enough to change the locks at my house when I asked him to leave and asked that he call me to come over. Praying for you, not a fun place to be at in your life but this too shall pass.

 

[susiestar]

Please think of your other daughter in this. You have some duty to protect her from her sister. I don't know how high functioning she is with Aspergers, but it could be easy for your difficult daughter to find a way to take advantage of her if you don't take the needed steps to protect her. It is HARD, but it is also needed.

You NEVER chose this, and actually are not choosing it now. You are simply doing what she is asking for with her behavior.

As for the question of this being due to bad friends or hanging around the wrong crowd, that is just an excuse. People tell us who they are with their actions. I think your daughter is speaking quite clearly about who she is and who she wants to be with her actions. they are far more easy to read than any words she could say, aren't they?

 

[LavenderShoremaid]

Thanks everyone! I check and recheck everything now regarding the information she may have gotten hold of. Do credit checks regularly. Changed all the passwords etc. Right now she is doing her best to try to bully me into giving back "her savings". Yeah, the money she stole from us! If my bank traced our money to her Paypal account...then oh well them's the breaks kiddo. Our bank said our claim was valid. They also said they would prosecute if they found out who it was.

Then she tries guilt. "You just won't be part of my childs life then!" (the so-called grandchild that I have no idea if it exists or not). "I need money for pre-natal vitamins and I need to get a 3D sonogram and it costs 298 $ and the insurance won't cover it I already checked...." I said to her you don't NEED anything right now and a regular sonogram is to check the health of a baby and the doctor would decide that. I think if the daddy is still in your life let him pay for it he had a part in making it !

I have no idea if she uses any drugs or alcohol. I know she drinks wine but i don't know if she abuses it.

We are looking into getting a safe to lock up the valuables on the off-chance she drops by-which she doesn't. Right now she thinks she has it all (information/passwords etc.).

She has had state assistance on and off since leaving our home. She also has health insurance through my husband but won't use it because they require co-pays. I think the state dropped her because she was working .

I'm working on detachment and trying not to fall for her tricks. We checked with her local police-no suicide attempts were made in the 3 month period she said it happened. Lies lies and more lies piled on top.

 

[RN0441]

Please try to live YOUR life and enjoy the good things in YOUR life and not spending it watching over her every move and word.

Life is short. This isn't a dress rehearsal. We realize this as we get older. When you are young you think you have all the time in the world. At least I did. That's why it kills us to see our kids wasting so much time being jerks, addicts or whatever the case may be!

Stay strong!

 

[Tanya M]

I think if the daddy is still in your life let him pay for it he had a part in making it !

Well said Lavender, well said.

Even if she is pregnant don't let her use the child to guilt you into helping her. If she is old enough to choose to have sex, then she is old enough for the consequences when a child is produced.
There are many here who's difficult adult kids will use the grandchild as a bargaining chip. "If you don't do what I say and give me what I want, you will never see grandchild" This is incredibly sad but speaks so much truth as to how they operating with manipulative skills.

I know it's hard but hang in there, you're doing great!!

((HUGS))

 

[stressedmama]

Sounds exactly like my drug addict step-daughter when she was actively using. I didn't read through everyone's posts but drugs may be part of the problem, in addition to whatever mental health issues were suggested. They go hand in hand a lot of times.

 

[LavenderShoremaid]

She hates drugs and drug users but she does drink. I've thought she could get addicted to alcohol. My family has many alcoholics and her father is an alcoholic so it's very possible it could be alcohol playing against her depression.

 

[Snow White]

Welcome, Lavender. So sorry you have to land here. Your daughter sounds like a carbon-copy of mine, who is 26. Her deceitfulness raises itself to a new level every 6 months or so. She has stolen from us (locked filing cabinets DO NOT work with these children), damaged what she couldn't steal, defrauded people online and still uses guilt to try and get us to pay for everything from hospital visits to jail bailouts in foreign countries. Mine doesn't have to be on drugs or alcohol to do this. She has borderline personality disorder, anxiety, depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). The alcohol and drug use just make her symptoms that much more heightened.

As others have stated, lock everything up and protect yourself, including a good home security system. Years ago our daughter stole our prior years tax returns and then accused us of not giving her "her fair share" of the tax credits. She had no idea how to read a tax return and assumed that the total income we declared was the amount of our tax refund (I wish)! She said that because we claimed her as a dependant (she was under 18 years of age), we "owed her" that tax credit amount. Then she shared our tax returns with all of her friends at the time. She has told so many grandiose lies that I can't believe a word she says now. We do regular credit checks and place important papers and valuables in a safety deposit box at the bank.

These children don't really have friends - they latch onto those who they can use for their purposes or who will tolerate/exploit their behaviours. Your daughter was raised to know the difference between right and wrong. She chooses to do what she wants to do with no consideration for the consequences.

It took us a long time to realize what our daughter's behaviours were doing to our family dynamics. Our older son never complained or interfered when his sister's meltdowns would happen. He has turned out fine but I have to wonder how good his childhood was in this toxic environment we continued to support and enable long after we should have stopped. I hope you will take the time to nurture your relationship with your husband and daughter.

Your daughter's hatred, while making you feel so sad and helpless, is her way of coping with her chaotic life. Parents usually feel the brunt of this behaviour first, as we are expected to give unconditional love to our children. At some point the "unconditional" becomes too much of a burden for us. We all love our children to pieces but we have to set healthy boundaries in order to keep ourselves functioning.

I hope you will continue to stay strong. Don't get sucked into the vortex that your daughter has created. Come visit here often and let us know how you are doing. We care.

{hugs}