Following a person's wishes for end life care

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Confused, Jun 29, 2018.

  1. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Sorry..I only come on when I have a problem or question. I don't mean to be greedy for myself. Just know my advice isnt worth giving.

    Person makes their wishes known..nursing homes..medical care..dnrs...cpr...

    If the person's wishes were to do cpr even tho they know the risks of pain..broken ribs..not coming back or coming back with brain damage. person is frail...slowly dying with heart issues..but wants to still fight for even just one more day..what do you do?

    Ohh..person who's advocate also knowns risks but trying follow persons wishes is seen as greedy and non caring...
  2. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    I have struggled with these decisions for my mom just as my husband has with his mom. Both are suffering from dementia.

    I have power of attorney to make decisions for my mom. Her primary care physician (we go to the same dr) gave me dnr forms to file on her behalf. I filled my mom's out exactly the same way I filled out my own.

    It's a very personal decision.
  3. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Sorry about your mom n mother n law. Yes..I see what your saying.

    I'm just trying to follow my dad's wishes. What he said before and during this. But I'm seen as wrong.
  4. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Oh...guess what? My sister and I no longer are family per her words and lost another family friend thru this. I was just trying to follow my father's wishes.

    I am a :censored2: because I told dr all decisions up to her because we agreed to agree no matter and there's no way we can. I said my goodbyes to my father telling him how much I love him and how lucky I am to have him.

    I told my now estranged sister i WAS going to stay if he died (coded) but the arguing is not stopping. I just want to go home now, but no...I'm not allowed for various reasons son here well I can take him home. It's packed here and worried bout having seats..she can sit in the room with him. I'm the selfish one she said. The decisions been made, I want to just go home. Security will come if we continue to fight. I want the patients and families to rest they dnt need it.

    I see everyone's point n don't want my dad in anymore pain. But to heck with his wishes.
  5. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Honestly to me there is no wrong decision in my humble opinion. I do not want to be resuscitated. When my body needs to be gone, I'm gone. My dad went out and had chosen to go out and be in peace.

    My mom has dememtia and is not able to make these complex decisions. I choose those decisions for myself, and the same for my mom.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I am the designated person to make those decisions for my mother if/when that time comes. I know that, whatever decision I make, my brother will think it was wrong. I don't care. I was instructed to follow my mother's directions, and that is what I am going to do.
  7. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Thank you guys. I see both sides...really do. And I made such a fuss security almost called. There's a cop in waiting room now, no idea if it's meant for us. But he's talking to my sister.

    I don't know...I'm ripping up my living will cuz what's the point if what I want won't be followed because of family or doctors?

    I'm cool with a nursing home, don't want family to care for me..just nursing home ( i dont have to burden anyone, id have three meals a day, hopefully a tv and roof over my head) and pray for visits. I had what I want in case of various situations. But...ummm..I don't know now.
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Follow your heart.

    You have an enmeshed family thst always tells everyone what to do. Usually it is YOU who is chosen to help everyone and do the hard work. Let them fight. Be true to yourself.

    If you are the person your father trusted to make end of life decisions for him then he trusted you for a reason. Sounds like your sister is a nasty piece of work. Do you need her? Maybe she is jealous for some reason.

    If you are ultimately the one in charge, it is your heart that must act. Not anyone elses. Try to seperate from sitting with them and do what you think is right. All any of us can do in an ethical way is to honor our own best judgment. In the end, it makes no difference. He will die.

    But I believe our soul lives on in a higher realm and whatever you chose, I believe Dad will be so grateful for your love. If you want to honor his wishes, do so. He will likely be too drugged up to feel further pain. It was like this for my own father.

  9. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    I do agree the pain he's in and the pain and damage it will cause. But it was his wishes. No, don't feel she's jelous, again hiss pain and suffering. Oh, no pain medications cause lowers blood pressure and unless we say let go they wont give any. He knows everything going on.

    My sister I understand why but it was up to my dad before all this. And yes, he will still die even the next day, a week later, unknown. It's one thing to disagree but what she said yikes hurts. Almost everyone said even if cpr was my dad's wishes ( really...I wouldn't know what to do if it wasnt) in this case it should thrown out because all his issues.

    I don't know..I'm just done fighting and not being understood or believed. As far as cop he was with patient in back BUT HE was out while with us n I walked away he never talked to me. U could hear sis telling him I was mad for no reason and not getting all this
  10. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for the position you are in. I had to decide for my mom who had Alzheimer's and with my dad my mom (pre altzhemers) and my brother and I decided together it was me the doctor called so i was the one who had to tell them to let go. I also know of many cases where loved ones had to say to their dying loved ones its ok to go. Many times that has helped them move on in my opinion. It is not a medical decision. With my dad my grandneice sat and held his hand and told him it was ok to go and he died within minutes. With my mom i held her hand and told her that maybe it was time to be with her baby now. She passed and two weeks later my niece had a dream about her holding a baby and looking happy. It gave me great comfort. Perhaps your dad needs someone just to tell him it is ok to let go.
  11. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am in the same place with my brother concerning my mother. It is heart wrenching and disgusting at the same time. Hugs
  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

    It's a very difficult place to be. When one fills out an advanced directive (living will) they do so as they want things done or not done. It's a very personal choice.
    We went through this with my mother in law a few years ago. She was on dialysis and hung on longer than any of us thought she should but it was her choice. It was so painful watching her suffer but again, it was her choice and we honored it.
    My mother in law shared a story with me, one time when she in getting dialysis there was a woman in the chair next to her. This woman's daughter was there and was telling her mother "you should stop your dialysis, it's only prolonging your death"
    First, I thought what a horrible thing to say to your own mother, then I started thinking about why?
    What I came up with is the daughter was being selfish. She was having to take time out of her life to take her mother to dialysis.
    For me, even though my mother in law suffered and was in so much pain I was grateful to be able to hold her hand, stroke her hair, feed her and tell her I loved her. Yes, when a loved one is dying it is heartbreaking but to be able to offer loving comfort to them while honoring their wishes is what I choose.

    ((HUGS)) to you.............
  13. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Thank you everyone. In the end, my sis and I united. Sadly, my dad has passed. Everyone keeps telling me how he's not suffering anymore and he's at peace. I agree. But, a piece of me has died when my father pased.

    I will keep succeeding for my kids,myself and my dad.

    I'll be back and respond to you all, I'm sorry for your losses, current struggles too. Many hugs to all of you. Thank you for once again being here for me.❤
  14. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    My condolences, C.

    So sorry for your loss.

  15. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Im sorry, Confused. I know you will miss him. Now he is at peace. I know he will stay with you although he is in a better place now.
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2018
  16. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    So sorry for your loss i truly believe they are in a better place.
  17. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry.
  18. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Confused, I'm so sorry for your loss. The loss of a parent, especially when you are close, is like no other really. I pray you and your family find comfort in these times.
  19. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is. I'm glad that you and your sister united.

    Take time to process your feelings, be good to yourself, take care of yourself.

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  20. Confused

    Confused Active Member

    Hugs, it's not easy. Esp if they didn't tell you what they wanted before any issues.