NumbAndLost
New Member
My heart breaks for you @Exhaustedat22 . I, understand much of your story as my own. For my husband and I it all began so innocently. Our little boy (37 now) was diagnosed with learning disabilities early on in elementary school. Services were less than adequate. He was introverted from a young age, was harshly bullied, developed social anxiety disorder and home became his safe haven. We fought tooth and nail to get him accepted into a special needs school. It took til high school to win our case. By then, although his academics improved, he was forever emotionally scared. He refused therapy, he refused medication, he refused to believe in his own self worth. Many natural talents like music and art were nurtured by us and family throughout these hard years but we were slowly losing the battle. Angry and bitter at the world, feeling like a misfit, alcohol became his best and only friend. Everyone and everything else became the enemy. Alcohol has lost him an art scholarship, multiple jobs, roofs over his head, cars, credit card debt, his health. He's detoxed several times, been in rehab over & over, accepted a variety of help from us, family members who love him dearly, and acquaintances only to ultimately loose it all again and again. His response - "oh well, life sucks then you die." Dad used tough love, I was the niave enabler, little sister became his crutch. Finally 3 years ago an epiphany - we were 60, not 30; he was 33, not 13. We'd become seniors with health issues emerging and our son had somehow remained the adolescent, still dependent on someone else/anyone else to make his problems disappear. How did we not see this happening right before our eyes! He took no responsibility for anything, he was a compulsive liar, a manipulator, lazy, defiant, disrespectful. For us, it was clear - no more. We insisted he had to get a full time job within a month and a half or he'd have to leave. We reminded him every week, he ignored us every week, until six weeks later, on Mother's Day 2016, he was told, by me, that he had to leave. He refused, saying we couldn't make him leave because he had no where to go. I told him that wasn't our problem, we let him take his car (our last financial assistance) and leave. He said " if you make me leave now, you will never see me again". I replied "if leaving saves your life, the sacrifice will be worth it". He left, not because "tough-love" dad kicked him out but because "enabler" mom did. It broke my heart in pieces but I knew it had to be done. One month later he showed up at my office, talking ragtime, refusing to leave, threatening that if I didn't help him I'd be sorry. Shaking like a leaf, witnessing my son as a stranger with bad I tensions, I called the police who felt a restraining order was necessary. I was so petrified at the behaviour I had witnessed in my son, I agreed. It killed me emotionally. Another month after that, he cracked up and abandoned his car at the scene of an accident. And since all that, he's been in and kicked out of two homeless shelters, and spent 3 winters homeless. Thoughts of him trying to survive have been unbearable for us. My husband has tried to keep in touch and offers help. He gets no replies. My daughter gets infrequent calls, only to hear that all the blame is on us for his problems. My personal feelings of guilt are debilitating but, for our family, I do know this step was necessary. Exhausted 22 there are no-one-size fits-all right or wrong paths or answers. Your gut, heart and soul must be your guide. Trust what feels right for you. Also know that your postings help you gain strength and are the support we all need to stay strong. Wishing you comfort.
