Greiving for your children

[gottaloveem]

Jen had brought this up on Janets' "they got him post". Jen had mentioned to Janet:

>>>You certainly are grieinving, but is not a death grief that has an ending.<<<

That is a very true statement. Worrying about your wayward child is extremely unsettling. It is the not knowing what is going to happen that can be very depressing. Waiting for court dates, for drug test results, waiting for placements, either by the court or yourselves it is just so distressing because you want more for your child. You keep hanging on to the hope, but many times that hope is dashed because they keep on messing up.

Certainly it is not the same as grieving a child who has died, but it is almost as distressing. When Alex died, all the worry, stress, anxiety, left my consciousness, Now I am really grieving but I know what I am grieving. Does that make sense? It is a different grief. I'm not as anxious because the unknown has been answered. Now my mind knows what to be sad about, and that causes me less anxiety. Please don't get me wrong, grieving my son who died is terrible and very painful. I just know what the outcome is. I grieve because my son is not in our lives and never will be, and I grieve for the son that never had a chance to be the nice young man I hoped he would be. The drugs stole my son and kept the nice young man he could've been far away from us.

I just wanted to take the time and tell all of you that are struggling with your children that I am so sorry. It is a mothers biggest heartache. You are truly grieving and don't let anybody else tell you otherwise.

Hopefully we can have some more success stories.

I am so proud of the kids who have "seen the light" and are looking for ways to make their lives brighter. The kids who have decided to change their lives so they can live a nice long productive life.The kids who have given up drugs and or a criminal lifestyle. Kudos to all of you and please make it. Your moms and dads hearts need a break.

Take care of your broken hearts. You need to.


(((HUGS)))

Lia

 

[judi]

Lia - I have always found your posts to be so compassionate as to bring tears to my eyes. Thank you. You who have been thru such tragedy that I can't imagine, always think of others. You are truly a wonderful person. Thank you!

We have very limited communication with our son - maybe once a month for five minutes and then only if we pursue it. He hasn't seen his son in almost a month (we have him every weekend). I don't know if he is working, happy, sad, I just don't know.

My thoughts have always been so up in the air regarding my son. I truly love him so very much and only want him to be happy. I have always thought that there is hope as long as he is alive.

 

[standswithcourage]

thanks so much for the post. I am grieving too. We have turned our son away. He is roaming the streets with friends. He said today he got arrested again last night for disorderly conduct. He just got out of jaiil. We told him while he was in jail (2 months0 to find a rehab or something to go to - he did not. Please pray for him. I cannot even sleep at night. My husband is very strong about him not coming home because of all the stuff that keeps happening here. My son thinks it is mean but he said tonight he might try to get his old job back and call a rehab. I hope he means it - who knkows. I just hope he is ok. He cashed his last paycheck for $300. It is probably gone. He probably didnt even think he might need it to live. Please keep thinking about all of us grieving mothers. You know better than anyone what it feels like to grieve. Thanks for sharing.

 

[scent of cedar]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: gottaloveem</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

The drugs stole my son and kept the nice young man he could've been far away from us.

I just wanted to take the time and tell all of you that are struggling with your children that I am so sorry. It is a mothers biggest heartache. You are truly grieving and don't let anybody else tell you otherwise.

Take care of your broken hearts. You need to.

Lia </div></div>

Thank You, Lia. :smile:

Barbara

 

[scent of cedar]

I just had to come back and read this post again.

I don't believe I have ever felt validated in grieving my son. I have grieved his loss in defiance, have admitted that, however shameful the reason, I am in pain ~ I have done that.

But I haven't believed I was entitled to grieve him.

There seems to have been an element of choice in his loss ~ as though he picked this lifestyle, and rejected me to do it.

There are no words to tell you how much your posting meant to me.

Barbara

 

[hearthope]

Thank you Lia for your thoughtful post.

You put into words how I feel...

I have to watch the news....what if he is on it? For being arrested or being in a wreck or worse?

I hear sirens...are they going to pick him up? Was he in the car that wrecked?

You wonder thru out the day....Did I do enough? Does he know how much I love him? How did this happen?

I admire your strength and your giving heart to post this for us. I thank you again.

I do grieve for my son.......I lost him when he started using drugs




Traci

 

[Skylark Matrix]

I know in my head that part of my grief over my current difficult child is because I had so much silent grief when our second child left home at age 13. There is no real support when a child does something totally stupid. If she would have died we would have got sympathy cards, time off from work, etc. etc. When they run away you get nothing but rumors and accusations. I never really got over that. Now with the youngest one sort of repeating history it opens up all the old buried wounds. Even when my normal child went to college I cried and mourned profusely, everytime he went to college in the fall. I realized only a couple weeks ago that I don't cry anymore when he leaves after a visit.
I'm just rambling..... we do need to take care of our own hearts and it is so hard with special needs child because we know they can't take care of themselves.
Thank you Lord for inspiring whoever it was who made this website.

 

[rejectedmom]

Thank you Lia.

 

[scent of cedar]

***********************************


No, you aren't just rambling at all, Skylark.

You are naming what it feels like to lose a child in this way.

We always think we are the only ones, and that (at least in my case) we don't have a right to grieve a child lost to addiction.

I am still ashamed of what happened in our family.

Soon, I will begin making a point of talking about difficult child, and about what happened and what it feels like.

difficult child merits that much, and so do I.

He was a wonderful kid.

If I could have known this was coming for him (and for all of us), I would not have done one thing differently.

That's the other thing that happens when we lose a child to addiction. We forget there was a time when they shone for us ~ a time when they weren't dirty and broken and poor and without hope.

But there was such a time.

And if your own mom can't remember that for you, who can?

And if there is no one to remember who you were and where you came from, how much more difficult might it be, to make your way back?

I absolutely cherish this post, skylark.

Thank you so much.

Barbara