But can I ask you... how do you respond to / quiet that voice in your head that says “God blessed you with these amazing gifts loaded with promise & potential and look what you have let them become???”
Look at Adam and Eve, created by God, fallen from grace so quickly. They had everything they needed, paradise, but wanted more.
It’s called free will.
You and I do not have power and control over the choices our adult children make. We did not cause their issues and consequences, can’t control it, or fix it.
They have to want better for themselves.
The guilt, blame and shame is part of the grieving process we go through. Reeling the tapes of what we might have done, or not done in raising them. Feeling guilty that they are struggling, while we are comfortable in our homes.
The truth is, there is no such thing as a perfect parent, we did the best job we could.
Be it mental health issues, or addiction, our adult children have to learn to care for themselves, to make the right choices.
If we are always there to rescue them from the consequences of their choices, they will not learn to choose better. We will not be around forever to clean up their mess.
I have a 17 year old too. He asks the same of his two sisters. What happened?
Kids grow up and choose their own lifestyles. They have their own distinct personalities. We give them as much as we can to set a good foundation.
The rest is up to them.
I believe that all we taught them is locked deep down inside, it is there. It is up to them to see the value of it.
How well I know the despair you write of. It becomes overwhelming and yes, paralyzing. I am so sorry for the ache of it. I have to work hard at not allowing that despair to envelop my life. It became more of a priority when my husband passed. I had no choice, but to pick myself up, tighten the bootstraps and soldier on. At first, it was my son who I focused on, he helped me to see that we had spent so much precious time trying to rescue his sisters, and they did not want to change.
So, I had to change.
Despair is a terrible place to be. It can weigh you down heavily. I found it hard to breath at times, so utterly saddened, just functioning and exhausted.
When our adult children make choices and drift into darkness, go wayward and homeless, it is a grief like no other. Grieving the loss of a loved one in death is different, there is a finality to it, they have gone to meet their maker. Oh yes, the grief and loss is there, but there is no bringing them back. We learn to swallow it and live with the fond memory of them. When we grieve the lifestyles of our beloved ill adult children, it is ongoing, open ended, so many unanswered questions, where are they sleeping, are they eating, how are they surviving? What could I have done differently? How can I sleep in my bed, knowing they are out there, struggling? Am I unkind and heartless, allowing this to happen?
The list goes on and on.
For me, it is a daily task processing this grief. Some days are better than others, but I feel that I have to make the most of my life. What drives me, is believing whole heartedly that as a parent, I am their first mentor. If I allow myself to flounder along with their choices,
I am not leading by example. When I feel weary and guilty, I borrow from my Dads strength, he would not allow any of us to disrespect him, or my mom. Or his home. He was a tough, old fashioned, stoic, east coast man. His favorite saying “It is what it is.”
I find respite in quotes, music, activities, and most of all, prayer.
When I feel my heart drifting towards despair over my two, I pray. I pray for them to rise above and seek their true potential.
I post here as well, finding solace in the support, encouragement and advice of the kind folks here, traveling similar paths.
It is not an easy thing, living with two wayward adult daughters. The ache of it is ever present. I have often wondered if there are some mental health issues, underneath the addiction. Our challenges began with them around 12. Stubborn and headstrong. Dabbling with pot. Rebellious.
For sure, there are big issues mentally and physically now with meth use.
What can I do? I can’t fix it. I can’t have them live with me and basically fund their substance abuse. They have been abusive and disrespectful. Denied their substance use, stolen from us. They roll their eyes at suggestions of rehab.
So, back to, it is what it is.
And prayer, lots of it. And self care, trying to move forward, trudging along working as hard as I can to fortify myself against the storms of it.
How do I respond to that ever present voice in my head?
It takes constant work. Coming to a place of acceptance that I have no power over their choices. Feeling blessed for what I do have, my health, a roof over my head and well children, grandchildren.
Life.
Believing that if I ask in faith that they find their way, it will happen. Knowing that it is not on my time frame, but theirs. Giving in to any notion that I can fix them.
Not giving up, giving in.
Where there is life, there is hope, but I learn to hope without expectations.
Sometimes, it is one day, one foot in front the other,
one breath at a time.
And the effort is all worth it.
Life is hard, but it is precious and short. There are no guarantees. It is up to us to live it as best as we can.
That voice in our heads is wrong.
“Look what you have let them become.”
Uh, no. Tell that voice that you have no control over another’s choices. Tell that voice that you did the best job you could, loved your daughter, and will always. Even as you watch her make mistakes.
Letting her learn from her choices and consequences, is love.
Love says no. No you will not disrespect my rules. No, you will not walk all over me.
Self love says no to that voice that creeps into our heads.
No, it is not my doing.
It is not under my control.
What you can control, is how you move forward with this.
You are stronger than you think.
And you are not alone.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
