Harsh words and a tough order-how do we play this?

[CAmom]

Donna, we've thought of that a few times and wondered if the experience might sink through his thick skull. Yet, we were told that, within his first hour in JH, he was approached by a well-known scar-faced, tattooed, gang-leader-type (my son being a baby-faced, green-eyed, blonde) to suggest a possible...um..."relationship." It totally freaked him out, but even THAT wasn't enough to make him want to stay away from JH and similar places!

Despite that, maybe seeing a "real" prison would make more of an impact...a place where there are hardened men versus some of the punk wannabes in JH. I'm going to talk to his easy child and see what he thinks...thanks.

 

[CAmom]

Merris, I've read some of your posts, and you're road is SO much tougher than mine is...yet. If would be a miracle if you didn't cave now and then. And it's always easier to give advice than take it.

When my son finally called last night after his threats to blow his program last week when he found that we weren't going to be visiting him for 30 days, I somehow managed to do exactly what you suggested and fake it when he started his brief rant about how another boy had also been put on a 30-day no-visitor blackout, "but HIS parents visited ANYWAY!" I was thinking, well, now how STUPID is that! But, all I said was that WE intended to follow his easy child's instructions to the letter as we've told him over and over. Surprisingly, he dropped it and moved on to talk about how he was working to make his status!

I had been feeling really depressed all day yesterday, just waiting for the phone to ring to have his easy child tell me that he had kept his threat to "go crazy and do something bad to get terminated." And, sadly, I wouldn't have been surprised to hear that he had as he can be SO spiteful when thwarted.

So, I was waiting to hear the bad news and was very surprised to hear him actually talking about working for his status rather than continuing his threats to fail the program.

So, maybe his easy child is right, and the "tough love" approach is going to work. I can see that the key is staying very neutral and letting him face the consequences of his actions on his own as you suggested, Merris.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well maybe your son will see what happens to the boy whose parents visited anyway...lol. Like you said...STUPID!

Maybe "big bubba" did scare him a bit back at JH. One can always hope. I always told the boys around here they would make pretty girlfriends...lol. They didnt find me a bit amusing. Oh well.

 

[CAmom]

Janet, :rofl: His dad and I have said that we REALLY had hoped that his first serious relationship would NOT be with someone named "Bubba."

 

[SunnyFlorida]

I think the hardest part of parenting is the letting go. It's also what is needed to to get them moving.

{{{sunny hugs}}}

 

[KFld]

It sounds like the easy child was definatley right and you saw first hand how quick your son backed down, when you didn't!! That is a very important step for both of you.

Keep up the good work. He will continue to try and manipulate the situation, but try and have some quick responses in your head so you don't get caught off guard. A good thing to always remember is that you don't have to answer or respond to anything right away. I always found it a big help when difficult child caught me off guard and asked something, to say I would get back to him, which gave me time to think about a healthy response before placing my foot in my mouth.

 

[TYLERFAN]

I also used to write out sentences and leave them by the phone. I got some good ones from the recovery book Families Anonymous gives you. Detaching at this point is an absolute must.
It is hard but sometimes you have to let them "crash and burn" so that they can start to pick themselves up.

Blessings,
Melissa

 

[jbrain]

CA Mom,
sounds like you are doing a great job--keep up the good work, I know how hard this is for you--I have great respect for your openmindedness and willingness to try to change your responses!
Hugs,
Jane