Have i done the right thing?

[Nomad]

This is so very sad and I'm so sorry. What the others have said...says it all. He has been violent toward you and clearly shows signs of not caring one bit to put it mildly. Very revealing and it paints a VERY negative picture. He absolutely can't live with you. This is a hard realization, but one that you must make. And you must protect yourself. Have good locks on your door and whatever other safety devices you can think of to keep yourself safe. Many people here have ring doorbell cameras, so they can clearly see who is at the front door...things like that are a great idea. It sounds like your son has had opportunities for help that he has rejected. Until he makes the personal decision to get help, there isn't much you can do. I think it might/MIGHT be ok to now and then, as appropriate, give him leads to agencies that might be able to offer help for him to get help. But, getting too personally involved or having him at your house...seems unwise. Apologies...don't recall if you mentioned getting any therapy yourself. If you haven't ...you might consider this as what you are experiencing is extremely stressful and it would be for ANYBODY. You having a medical background doesn't help a heck of a lot in this situation (I'm in somewhat a similar situation) as it is deeply personal. In fact, it might cloud the situation as your empathy is very strong.
As a side note: We have had mega issues with our daughter who doesn't learn from her mistakes, does not accept boundaries, breaks rules constantly and so forth and so on. After thirty plus years, we called it quits and now our interaction is very limited. However, recently she asked for help to see a therapist. Hopefully, this is legit. Hard to say for sure. But, it is a positive indication. So, we pay for her to get an uber back and forth and we pay for the therapist. Our help to her is limited to medical issues and hopefully she will use this opportunity wisely to get to a better place. I have a friend that actually thinks I'm a dummy for doing this. I explained that I'm doing it for humanitarian reasons and if and when she shows some indication of personal growth, I will help her. I'm also on high alert that this could be a ruse for deceptive behavior. After countless mess ups/maladaptive behaviors/deception...you name it...my heart is not in it. But, I'm open to helping her if she shows positive movement. However, I don't have her at my house and things continue to be very limited with our relationship. I've learned the hard way about some things. It's very painful...I understand.

 

[Copabanana]

So, we pay for her to get an uber back and forth and we pay for the therapist.

Hi Nomad. You know there are numerous therapists that take Medicare and Medicaid and are paid in full by these programs. She also may be eligible for Paratransit which is free. There also should be a program where UBER is paid to get to medical appointments, I will try to remember to ask about it. If it is in my County/State I don't know why it wouldn't be in yours.

Please keep your eyes wide open.

 

[MandaC]

This is so very sad and I'm so sorry. What the others have said...says it all. He has been violent toward you and clearly shows signs of not caring one bit to put it mildly. Very revealing and it paints a VERY negative picture. He absolutely can't live with you. This is a hard realization, but one that you must make. And you must protect yourself. Have good locks on your door and whatever other safety devices you can think of to keep yourself safe. Many people here have ring doorbell cameras, so they can clearly see who is at the front door...things like that are a great idea. It sounds like your son has had opportunities for help that he has rejected. Until he makes the personal decision to get help, there isn't much you can do. I think it might/MIGHT be ok to now and then, as appropriate, give him leads to agencies that might be able to offer help for him to get help. But, getting too personally involved or having him at your house...seems unwise. Apologies...don't recall if you mentioned getting any therapy yourself. If you haven't ...you might consider this as what you are experiencing is extremely stressful and it would be for ANYBODY. You having a medical background doesn't help a heck of a lot in this situation (I'm in somewhat a similar situation) as it is deeply personal. In fact, it might cloud the situation as your empathy is very strong.
As a side note: We have had mega issues with our daughter who doesn't learn from her mistakes, does not accept boundaries, breaks rules constantly and so forth and so on. After thirty plus years, we called it quits and now our interaction is very limited. However, recently she asked for help to see a therapist. Hopefully, this is legit. Hard to say for sure. But, it is a positive indication. So, we pay for her to get an uber back and forth and we pay for the therapist. Our help to her is limited to medical issues and hopefully she will use this opportunity wisely to get to a better place. I have a friend that actually thinks I'm a dummy for doing this. I explained that I'm doing it for humanitarian reasons and if and when she shows some indication of personal growth, I will help her. I'm also on high alert that this could be a ruse for deceptive behavior. After countless mess ups/maladaptive behaviors/deception...you name it...my heart is not in it. But, I'm open to helping her if she shows positive movement. However, I don't have her at my house and things continue to be very limited with our relationship. I've learned the hard way about some things. It's very painful...I understand.

Thankyou. Yes, i now know, i cannot be around him. Whatever causes these rages wether it be mental illness mixed with drug abuse, i refuse to put my life in danger any more. Yes, i have tried everything to help him , everyone has from having him sectioned under the mental health act , trying to petsuade him to comply with help. He refuses and that i cant understand because his life the way it is is miserable and he does know he needs help. He can organise job interviews and many other things but not an appointment with the doctor.
Last night he phoned me. The purpose of the phone call was to confirm that i hadnt told the police. No apology until i said i hadnt told the police but if he came near me again that i would. His answer to that was " okay, i wont and im sorry" . That was all.
I am absolutely broken hearted and sick to my stomach. I know i cant be around him until theres definate evidence of wanting to change and evidence of hom seeking real help but i feel so guilty today. Last night after his communication i let rip by text. Id had a few glasses of wine. I felt anger. I said things iv never said before to him, called him a junkie, a violent animal to name but a few names. And today i feel terrible that if his self esteem is low already il have made it worse. Can anyone advise on this...the guilt i feel . Iv never said anything like that before to him. Im usually pleading, and being nice, walking on egg shells. And i cant get rid of the worry that something bads going to happen to him. Can anyone suggest some methods of stopping these thoughts consuming my every moment. Thanks. I appreciate all advice and communication on this site. I dont have the hang of it yet but i put these questions to Nomad and anyone else that reads my posts.

 

[MandaC]

P.s He doesnt live with me, he has a temporary flat from the local council while waiting on permanent housing. But until now he has come to my house, iv ran him around here there and everywhere so we have been around each other .

 

[Copabanana]

Last night after his communication i let rip by text. Id had a few glasses of wine. I felt anger. I said things iv never said before to him, called him a junkie, a violent animal to name but a few names. And today i feel terrible that if his self esteem is low already il have made it worse. Can anyone advise on this...the guilt i fe

I read something tonight, that we think of boundaries as protecting us from other people, but that this was wrong. They said boundaries are so that we protect ourselves from ourselves (or something like that. I will try to find where I saw it.)

If you walk on eggshells, plead, and beg, you are making yourself a victim to him or others. We become collaborators with others so that we shall be hurt, degraded, etc.

Everybody has good and bad impulses. if we're under enough stress (liquor loosens tongues) we can let out our own aggressive impulses. If we take seriously the quote I mention, we are responsible for almost everything that happens to us. And through our choices, we can become fully responsible for having the maximum good enter our sphere. It's our choices that protect us. By how we choose to live.

I take it as a given that everybody has an aggressive side. You've held in your frustration, fear, and resentment...and with the pressure you've been under, and wine..oh well, it's hardly a surprise; but acting out this way is not the crime of the century. We all do it. The incident actually has a positive side: To protect yourself, you might have to take a good look at your choices. You are angry. You don't want to walk on eggshells. You've been exposed to toxicity. This is an invitation to change. If you keep posting here, and especially, if you begin to respond to others' posts, you will begin to build strength, responsibility, and a hopeful and joyful way to be.

And i cant get rid of the worry that something bads going to happen to him. Can anyone suggest some methods of stopping these thoughts consuming my every moment.

None of us have any control over how our adult children live. Your son is fully responsible for himself. You're right. Anything can happen. Bad or good. But your thoughts are not the causal factors, you know that. When you see your thinking go in this direction, stop it, and change to positive thinking. Al-Anon or Nar Anon teaches this. There are websites with readings that are very helpful, and meetings are now online, too. I suggest going. These groups would help you with boundaries, fears, guilt, and positive thinking. And a whole lot more.

Just remember. You're only human. We all are.

 

[MandaC]

Thankyou. I am making myself sound like a pathetic wimp, i know. The thing is though, i would never let anyone else treat me this way, ever. If it was a partner he would be out on his ear. ( Scottish for kicked out the house ) I am generally known for being a strong , straight talking person. But yet i find it so hard to toughen up in this situation. But i will and i will look up these groups , al anon etc. Thankyou.

 

[Copabanana]

I am making myself sound like a pathetic wimp, i know.

I never thought this for one second.

But yet i find it so hard to toughen up in this situation.

This is your child! Good grief! Every single person here has gone through the same thing. For years and years. In my case, I could not, would not, learn. I kept trying to do this for him and that for him. Over and over and over again. Until I got very sick. Physically and emotionally. You are not the Lone Ranger and you are not alone.

 

[MandaC]

No, i didnt mean to infer that i thought that was your thoughts , that i was a pathetic wimp. Not at all. Just the way im feeling about myself at the moment but its time to woman up, parent ip and deal with this the right way for myself and him. Thankyou.

 

[MandaC]

This is so very sad and I'm so sorry. What the others have said...says it all. He has been violent toward you and clearly shows signs of not caring one bit to put it mildly. Very revealing and it paints a VERY negative picture. He absolutely can't live with you. This is a hard realization, but one that you must make. And you must protect yourself. Have good locks on your door and whatever other safety devices you can think of to keep yourself safe. Many people here have ring doorbell cameras, so they can clearly see who is at the front door...things like that are a great idea. It sounds like your son has had opportunities for help that he has rejected. Until he makes the personal decision to get help, there isn't much you can do. I think it might/MIGHT be ok to now and then, as appropriate, give him leads to agencies that might be able to offer help for him to get help. But, getting too personally involved or having him at your house...seems unwise. Apologies...don't recall if you mentioned getting any therapy yourself. If you haven't ...you might consider this as what you are experiencing is extremely stressful and it would be for ANYBODY. You having a medical background doesn't help a heck of a lot in this situation (I'm in somewhat a similar situation) as it is deeply personal. In fact, it might cloud the situation as your empathy is very strong.
As a side note: We have had mega issues with our daughter who doesn't learn from her mistakes, does not accept boundaries, breaks rules constantly and so forth and so on. After thirty plus years, we called it quits and now our interaction is very limited. However, recently she asked for help to see a therapist. Hopefully, this is legit. Hard to say for sure. But, it is a positive indication. So, we pay for her to get an uber back and forth and we pay for the therapist. Our help to her is limited to medical issues and hopefully she will use this opportunity wisely to get to a better place. I have a friend that actually thinks I'm a dummy for doing this. I explained that I'm doing it for humanitarian reasons and if and when she shows some indication of personal growth, I will help her. I'm also on high alert that this could be a ruse for deceptive behavior. After countless mess ups/maladaptive behaviors/deception...you name it...my heart is not in it. But, I'm open to helping her if she shows positive movement. However, I don't have her at my house and things continue to be very limited with our relationship. I've learned the hard way about some things. It's very painful...I understand.

Thankyou. And i do hope your daughter has reached a turning point with the psychotherapist thing.

 

[Roxanne@74]

Hi. Im new to this. I dont know if iv done the right thing. Looking for some support.
Last Wednesday, my 23 year old son was released on bail from remand. He had stopped speaking to me , his Dad and had infact cut everyone from his life 3 months before going to prison. I do know he was abusing alcohol at this point and his mental health was poor. But a month before being released , he wrote me a letter saying how sorry he was and that he loved me and and could i come and visit him which i did and thought we were going to rebuild our relationship once he was released and hed get help fir his mental health which so far he has refused to do.
Has anyone ever experienced this and is it a sign of ASBD? Leading up to my son cutting us all out of his life , he gradually, even if he requested our company, stopped conversation with us. I could drive him a car journey that lasted an hour and he wouldnt speak. No general conversation and also when i tried to speak , hed answer a word one answer, quick as a flash as if to cut me off/shut me up. He did it with his Dad also. On visiting him in prison , it was much of the same. Mabey not quite as bad but still very little conversation.
Back to the present....he turned up at my door last Wed after being released. I told him he could stay until he sorted out miney, a job, flat etc. But from the word go, silence, no conversation. I bought him things, took him out to eat, tried to help him but still he wouldnt speak to me. By Sat i snapped. I couldnt take any more of the silent treatment. I got upset and i actually saw a smirk from him when i was getting upset. He said he would go and get a place in the homeless unit, which he did. However he returned later that day, didnt apoligize but for a short period acted a little more pleasant so i let him sit in my house in the agreement that he went back to the homeless unit to sleep. If im honest, he was making me feel nervous and stressed in my own house so i was glad he had a place in the homeless unit. Sunday, yesterday, he came to my house again. More of the silent treatment. When i was driving him back to the homeless last night, i asked him why he wouldnt speak to me. He started shouting, going off his head , calling me names. I stopped the car and told him to get out which he did , slamming the car door behind him. I went home and i sent him a message telling him not to come near me again , that i couldnt cope with his behaviour any more and the silent treatment, the using me , the worry that hel do somethinf and end up back in prison. I just cant do it anymore. I should add that hes been in and out of prison since he was 18 and all for violent crimes. One if those crimes was threatning me with a knife while high on drugs. I still tried to help and support him despite this.
Im not sure now if the silent treatment is deliberate, like a punishment of some kind, if hes a narcissist or if he has ASBD or what. And even though i know i cant cope with him anymore , i now feel terrible that iv told him not to come near me again. He hasnt replied to my message. Im so worried. Any advice would be appreciated.

Dear MandaC: stay strong! I don't think good Lord put us parents on Earth to be a punching bag for our children (or anyone for that matter). Everybody has limits, some can take more than others or it just takes longer to reach your boiling point. I know it is hard to watch your child struggle. You've provided all the care and support the good mom would, but It sounds like he may have some pent up anger at the world, not necessarily at you, but he is taking it out on those closest to him.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Hello MandyC, I see that you and I share almost the same story….sadly. With his aggression towards you trying to run you off the road, is the clear indicator of what needs to be done. My daughter did the same to me, trying to take the wheel and run us into a building, she does communicate with us, unlike your son but, it’s always short, nasty conversation…most times she would just stay in her room.

We have tried and tried, 10 years worth of money, a place to stay, many talks - tears - worry only to have the very same result we started 10 years ago with. She is right back in jail. This time they are ordering a mental competency test for her and everything is on hold for her trial until this is completed. She is schizophrenic, bi polar, ADHD, and I really do think she has ASBD….she simply does not care what she does and how it affects others. She will not listen to anyone, she will not take any direction from anyone even we her parents. She once said to me, I don’t ask you but, if you give me money or a place to stay I take it. Key word, take. She had no thankfulness for us uprooting our entire lives to help her out.

Fast forward to today, I am almost 58 years old and am DONE. It’s killling me not going to see her in jail, it’s killing me how she will act once she gets out. She blames us for all her troubles and I know she will be super mad with us when she gets out. My husband and I have to remain strong in our decision of no contact at this time.

I pray you come to the same decision to step away for awhile. It brings on a bunch of different feelings and stress but, you are safe. The mental part of this all can be worked on a little each day.

Big hugs to you!

 

[Nomad]

MandaC…I wouldn’t worry too much about losing your temper. You are not a robot. Of course, you should refrain from making a habit out of. BUT your son breaks boundaries repeatedly and this weakens a person’s resolve. Maybe he needs to experience the fallout. Hold on to your boundaries. And consider checking out groups like Families Anonymous or Al Anon. Keep busy with healthy endeavors.

 

[Blighty]

Hi Manda

I hope you're finding your way.

You'll find support in groups for loved ones of addiction like Alanon, Naranon, Smart Recovery

Your local drug support service (councils have to provide them) may be able to sign post you to support services for loved ones too.

Look for counselling support in your area too; there are often charities that provide low cost services.

Also see Scottish Families Affected by Alcohol & Drugs