Having a hard time being nice

[Coralchet1]

Do other parents have a hard time talking nicely to their child after being so mistreated?

Oh, I also went to the police station and spoke to someone in regards to kicking a 16 yr old out. Once they turn 16 you can kick them out. However, if they do damages the parents are still responsible. Well, If he's still at home I'm responsible so it really doesn't matter. What does matter is that my home is no longer being destroyed and I'm no longer being abussed.

Anyway, getting back to not being able to talk nicely to him. This morning, like any other morning lately. He was irate because I didn't have the ingredients for making fin pancakes, but I could make other pancakes. He didn't like that idea! He slammed French doors to the point of wanting to brake the windows..he broke another fan and the broom. He told me to fk off and he stayed in the living room for a bit. Then calmed down came out and asked if I'd take us to mcdonalds...instead of getting into why I won't do that- I said, I misplaced my debit..." he found it"along with 5$ cash.. well I'm making grilled cheese - you want one? He asked then for the 5$ he's always wanting 5$ for what I have no idea? He says to get a hotdog from the corner store...we did this same run around about 5$ last Night.. he's Not getting money from me, period! He stormed out of the house screaming my cooking ing sucks...he gone out the door and kicked overthe outside chair.

I went did my running around, plus groceries...came home he was here..he went through everything grabbed the salad...stood in the way of me putting things away...I said, you know your in my way, and instead of helping yourself right now...help with putting things away, he just looked at me...I then said, or maybe that might hurt you to help me? Heaven forbid ....
He said while storming out of the kitchen, well maybe I'm going to hurt myself....I told him if your planning on hurting yourself then that's a trip to see the doctor? Told me to fk off again and he left..

I don't know what to make of this because the other day he ripped up all his pictures..I asked why he keeps do that and he said he has a reason for it..now today he says he may hurt himself?

Now, I know I was not the nicest with my voice, or for what I said....I'm having a hard time acting as if nothing is happening and being all nicey, nicey after the storms hit...

Anyone else having a hard time being nice?

 

[Littleboylost]

They all know how to push our buttons and we are human. My son loved it when I lost my temper, just another thing to hold against us. You are only human and he is really being rude and insolent. We have to try our best bit to be reactive ....but sometimes we can not help but get angry and react. Hang in there.

 

[pigless in VA]

My son also loves it when I lose my temper. I have learned how to vent in other ways in order to not give him the power and satisfaction. But like LBL said, we are human. It's really hard to be nice to someone who is treating you horribly.

 

[wisernow]

sadly they seem to enjoy seeing us get upset. My sons therapist told me when he starts to debate, demand etc do not engage. when I think about it the behavior is almost sadistic.

 

[RN0441]

You do not need that in your home. I would get him out. I would not live like that!!

It took us many years but our son was abusing drugs on and off and not doing anything with his life.

We love him to the moon and back.

I am glad he is far away. I couldn't take it anymore. I don't know when he will change.

Time to focus on YOU.

 

[Coralchet1]

When he came home last night he was so nice! I find he goes in spurts of his outbursts, and that can go on for days when he's angry. When he calms down and back to " normal " he's all of a sudden sweet as sweet can be..as if nothing's happened at all! I don't get?

Jekyll and Hyde, he's always been this way...makes my head spin. The son that came home last night, that's the son, I know and love. The violent one, I don't know, and that's the one that scares me. This life is so confusing

 

[nikinubs27]

YES!!! My son was kicked out when he was 17 after becoming more and more physically aggressive towards me and my other kids. CPS was involved afterwards - He called and lied about how horrible I was of course - and I showed them his medical file. They said he isn't allowed near the family again with out supervision until he gets help for his mental illness. I still get the random text from him and I immediately go from 0 - 100 when he says the mean hurtful things he does. When he lived in my house, it was a constant war zone. I could not stand to be in the room with him anymore because he was either being a total to everyone, being extremely annoying, making up ridiculous stories - he always had to one up everyone - or just being downright miserable. I got to the point where I stopped sugar coating and walking on eggshells for him, and he lost it. That's when he attacked me last year. After his 2 month stent in in patient care, he came home and got kicked right back out on his ass! I may be labeled the worst mom ever, but he is not threatening my life, or my other kids lives any longer... not to mention the toll it must have taken on my other kids to see us at war all the time. They were traumatized too. Everyone feared him. We don't live in constant fear anymore since he's left. Now he is 18, and wants to join the military. smh....

 

[nikinubs27]

sadly they seem to enjoy seeing us get upset. My sons therapist told me when he starts to debate, demand etc do not engage. when I think about it the behavior is almost sadistic.

THIS!!! I 100% agree about the sadistic comment. My son would push for me to fight back time after time. I was a fool though and would go along and fall in his damn trap every time. Until the end. Then he would stand behind me and taunt me saying repeatedly in my ear "You love to fight with me, why mom, why, why do you always have to do this and fight with me, you love it don't you" and he was relentless... I snapped every. single. time.... If I could go back and change it, I would have never given him the satisfaction.

 

[Coralchet1]

YES!!! My son was kicked out when he was 17 after becoming more and more physically aggressive towards me and my other kids. CPS was involved afterwards - He called and lied about how horrible I was of course - and I showed them his medical file. They said he isn't allowed near the family again with out supervision until he gets help for his mental illness. I still get the random text from him and I immediately go from 0 - 100 when he says the mean hurtful things he does. When he lived in my house, it was a constant war zone. I could not stand to be in the room with him anymore because he was either being a total to everyone, being extremely annoying, making up ridiculous stories - he always had to one up everyone - or just being downright miserable. I got to the point where I stopped sugar coating and walking on eggshells for him, and he lost it. That's when he attacked me last year. After his 2 month stent in in patient care, he came home and got kicked right back out on his ass! I may be labeled the worst mom ever, but he is not threatening my life, or my other kids lives any longer... not to mention the toll it must have taken on my other kids to see us at war all the time. They were traumatized too. Everyone feared him. We don't live in constant fear anymore since he's left. Now he is 18, and wants to join the military. smh....

Oh, I so understand where your coming from. I don't have younger kids experiencing his abusive ways, thank god! But living in this is a nightmare..I find I need to lose the windows now because everyone hears him screaming and swearing. I can only imagine what my neighbours think. I had children's aid apart of our lives for years, I called them myself, because I was ready to hurt him, therefore scared of my actions. They got him into a foster care home so I could get some respite the foster parents thought he was so nice and polite..made me look insane and I tell you there are days I feel insane! How come he's like this here? I'm told from professionals because I'm the safe person, really??
Last night he went out didn't bother calling, or checking in..cerfew is 11:30 he didn't get home until 1:30 am. I was fine with him Not being home.
So this morning he starts freaking out throwing things because he got headlice from the ppl he hangs out with....omg! Head lice of all things at 16? And for some reason it's My fault...he threw something and it broke because he doesn't want to be treated for lice...he stated well someone gave it to me so I'm spreading it now...he left, I'm cleaning and doing laundry like a mad woman and he'll be coming back here again all infested? Why do I bother...I'm so upset right now...

 

[Coralchet1]

THIS!!! I 100% agree about the sadistic comment. My son would push for me to fight back time after time. I was a fool though and would go along and fall in his damn trap every time. Until the end. Then he would stand behind me and taunt me saying repeatedly in my ear "You love to fight with me, why mom, why, why do you always have to do this and fight with me, you love it don't you" and he was relentless... I snapped every. single. time.... If I could go back and change it, I would have never given him the satisfaction.

Yep, mine follows me from room to room when I don't engage,..he wants the reaction and he eventually gets the reaction. Now, when he acts up insanely I have to leave the house completely, but there are times he won't let me out of the house, or close to the phone.

 

[Littleboylost]

Yep, mine follows me from room to room when I don't engage,..he wants the reaction and he eventually gets the reaction. Now, when he acts up insanely I have to leave the house completely, but there are times he won't let me out of the house, or close to the phone.

That is more than enough for you to endure. My son got aggressive with me once and that was scary as hell.

 

[How did I get here]

Do other parents have a hard time talking nicely to their child after being so mistreated?

Oh, I also went to the police station and spoke to someone in regards to kicking a 16 yr old out. Once they turn 16 you can kick them out. However, if they do damages the parents are still responsible. Well, If he's still at home I'm responsible so it really doesn't matter. What does matter is that my home is no longer being destroyed and I'm no longer being abussed.

Anyway, getting back to not being able to talk nicely to him. This morning, like any other morning lately. He was irate because I didn't have the ingredients for making fin pancakes, but I could make other pancakes. He didn't like that idea! He slammed French doors to the point of wanting to brake the windows..he broke another fan and the broom. He told me to fk off and he stayed in the living room for a bit. Then calmed down came out and asked if I'd take us to mcdonalds...instead of getting into why I won't do that- I said, I misplaced my debit..." he found it"along with 5$ cash.. well I'm making grilled cheese - you want one? He asked then for the 5$ he's always wanting 5$ for what I have no idea? He says to get a hotdog from the corner store...we did this same run around about 5$ last Night.. he's Not getting money from me, period! He stormed out of the house screaming my cooking ing sucks...he gone out the door and kicked overthe outside chair.

I went did my running around, plus groceries...came home he was here..he went through everything grabbed the salad...stood in the way of me putting things away...I said, you know your in my way, and instead of helping yourself right now...help with putting things away, he just looked at me...I then said, or maybe that might hurt you to help me? Heaven forbid ....
He said while storming out of the kitchen, well maybe I'm going to hurt myself....I told him if your planning on hurting yourself then that's a trip to see the doctor? Told me to fk off again and he left..

I don't know what to make of this because the other day he ripped up all his pictures..I asked why he keeps do that and he said he has a reason for it..now today he says he may hurt himself?

Now, I know I was not the nicest with my voice, or for what I said....I'm having a hard time acting as if nothing is happening and being all nicey, nicey after the storms hit...

Anyone else having a hard time being nice?

I'm new to the site. But, God it feels good to know I'm not alone. My terror (I mean son) is 17. Last year he was given the diagnosis of autism spectrum. For years before that it was adhd/odd.
He can become so violent and wants to test me at least 5 days out the week. Everything is always my fault. He doesn't want to bath-Ever! He has my father so convinced that I'm just mean because I work too much. Truth,.....I work as much as possible to get away from him!
I've told him that he has to get out at 18. My parents and some people I work with think that's terrible. They think that I should give him time to find a job. I've done my time, by that point. I've reminded them that they too have spare rooms for his use.

 

[Littleboylost]

I'm new to the site. But, God it feels good to know I'm not alone. My terror (I mean son) is 17. Last year he was given the diagnosis of autism spectrum. For years before that it was adhd/odd.
He can become so violent and wants to test me at least 5 days out the week. Everything is always my fault. He doesn't want to bath-Ever! He has my father so convinced that I'm just mean because I work too much. Truth,.....I work as much as possible to get away from him!
I've told him that he has to get out at 18. My parents and some people I work with think that's terrible. They think that I should give him time to find a job. I've done my time, by that point. I've reminded them that they too have spare rooms for his use.

Exactly I am not so sure I buy into the autism spectrum as much as it is used. ODD and CD yes they are behavioural syndromes. The spectrum is getting far to wide for autism. Our sons are the same age mine has LAS and CD and addiction. Yes that is Lazy Ass Syndrome. Like I said no rehab no home, no home no bail, no bail it's jail take your pick.

People think we are terrible too! Some have tired to take my son in when he has left or been asked to leave. Funny none lasted more than 2 days with him

 

[susiestar]

My son always charmed people into thinking he was so sweet and I was the horrible one. My son is very clearly on the autism spectrum though, there is no doubt. But he would tell stories about us, especially me, that would sound so stupid if these people actually gave them one second of actual thought. So often the advice of the doctors and therapists was as useless as that of anyone else. Often it was to 'wait the behavior out'. How do you do that when the behavior is violent and harming you? I used to hear how wonderful my son was from many of the doctors. I offered to let him go live with more than a few of these idjits who thought he was so great. Just for a week or so. To let them try their new therapeutic ideas, give them a good foothold, you know.

Oddly, not one single doctor or therapist EVER took me up on it. Two junior therapists tried to, but their supervising therapists wouldn't allow it. I was disappointed. I think it should be required that they take patients that they think are wonderful and the parents think are horrendous to live with home for long enough for the honeymoon period to wear off.

Your son is so sweet after being so vile and evil to you because he has gotten his anger out, taken it all out on you. It was cathartic for him. The storm is over and all is sweet and fresh for him. He honestly will probably wonder what you are upset about. After all, it is all about him, isn't it?

He is not capable of seeing things from your point of view. He cannot understand that you are scared of him, and angry with him, because just a couple of hours ago you were terrorized by him. In his mind, that is over and all is great with the world, so what is your problem? Sadly, he is going to have huge problems with the world with this approach. The rest of the world is going to impose consequences for his behavior, and likely those won't go away after he is done getting angry. So don't give in and let go of consequences for his behavior just because he is done being ugly. Feel what you feel and don't change that just because he tells you to feel something different. No matter how persuasive his argument. Listen to your internal compass and not his bovine excrement. What he tells you IS bovine excrement.

 

[Littleboylost]

I think it should be required that they take patients that they think are wonderful and the parents think are horrendous to live with home for long enough for the honeymoon period to wear off.

What the H is it with these kids and their ability to charm the pants off of other people. The fabricated tales my son tells about us are incredible. He also says he started doing drugs in grade 4 (not). Raised himself and that there was never any food in our house. So much so that his drug addiction counselor did a surprise home visit. God I was so embarrassed ...as was she. She now gets it, his bail officer gets it....they refer to it as. E being E....and the story rolls out.

I second the motion these people should take them home. My son doest last more than 2 days before people ask him to leave. UGH

 

[BusynMember]

Autism is often co morbid. My strictly autistic son is quiet and sweet and has no clue how to charm. He is totally non violent and good natured.

The charm in my opinion is part of personality disorders which can co exist with autism, addiction, bipolar etc. They charm to gain, to deceive. They are good at this, making them dangerous.

Ever hear "if it seems too good to be true, it is?" I take this seriously.

 

[How did I get here]

My son always charmed people into thinking he was so sweet and I was the horrible one. My son is very clearly on the autism spectrum though, there is no doubt. But he would tell stories about us, especially me, that would sound so stupid if these people actually gave them one second of actual thought. So often the advice of the doctors and therapists was as useless as that of anyone else. Often it was to 'wait the behavior out'. How do you do that when the behavior is violent and harming you? I used to hear how wonderful my son was from many of the doctors. I offered to let him go live with more than a few of these idjits who thought he was so great. Just for a week or so. To let them try their new therapeutic ideas, give them a good foothold, you know.

Oddly, not one single doctor or therapist EVER took me up on it. Two junior therapists tried to, but their supervising therapists wouldn't allow it. I was disappointed. I think it should be required that they take patients that they think are wonderful and the parents think are horrendous to live with home for long enough for the honeymoon period to wear off.

Your son is so sweet after being so vile and evil to you because he has gotten his anger out, taken it all out on you. It was cathartic for him. The storm is over and all is sweet and fresh for him. He honestly will probably wonder what you are upset about. After all, it is all about him, isn't it?

He is not capable of seeing things from your point of view. He cannot understand that you are scared of him, and angry with him, because just a couple of hours ago you were terrorized by him. In his mind, that is over and all is great with the world, so what is your problem? Sadly, he is going to have huge problems with the world with this approach. The rest of the world is going to impose consequences for his behavior, and likely those won't go away after he is done getting angry. So don't give in and let go of consequences for his behavior just because he is done being ugly. Feel what you feel and don't change that just because he tells you to feel something different. No matter how persuasive his argument. Listen to your internal compass and not his bovine excrement. What he tells you IS bovine excrement.

I affectionately have nicknamed the unknown situation. ..Sybil. (If anyone remembers the movie.) I'm never sure which one I'm going to be dealing with.

 

[Littleboylost]

Autism is often co morbid. My strictly autistic son is quiet and sweet and has no clue how to charm. He is totally non violent and good natured.

The charm in my opinion is part of personality disorders which can co exist with autism, addiction, bipolar etc. They charm to gain, to deceive. They are good at this, making them dangerous.

Ever hear "if it seems too good to be true, it is?" I take this seriously.

I think of Charles Manson and Jim Jones...Charming.

 

[BusynMember]

Psychpaths.

But most psyhopaths dont kill. They are more con artists and thieves. Those two traits are the opposite of true autism. It is hard for autistics to rread people or figure them out. If they cant, it would be hard to manipulate. You need those skills to get away with bad stuff.

 

[Amity]

Maybe it is time to upgrade to Bipolar before 18, at least start on the road to stabling medications and see where that goes.

One thing I have been taught is that when they say things that aren't ok is not to react ( I know right like hello, how does one not react) your feeding him emotion that matches his. Misery loves company and the fight will help ease the stress and anxiety. He trusts you to still love him no matter how he behaves so he is abusing you.
Start being emotionless with your comments. when he says inappropriate things, Say "that is not acceptable language", " do not use words like that to talk to me", "not acceptable", " I'll listen when you talk nice to me". Do not engage, No means no and the sooner he understand that as concrete the better.
Just make sure you talk/listen to him when he is ready to talk with the right words. Help him with the right words to fit the emotions. Example: I know you were frustrated with us not having things for Fin pancakes. He may come back with an ugly retort. Ignore it as if he didn't say anything. Lets brainstorm ways to handle that situation. If he comes back with something disrespectful simply state that when he is ready to talk to you like a person you are here for him till then you are done (again use no emotion to say this). So hard but if you keep it up he will realize how he feels is important and will start to handle it differently to get what he wants (not a quick fix by any means but a battle worthy of energy).

Now thats all about words. damages to your home well that is venting in a destructive way. Breaking things may have you hot and bothered and that is a bonus, after all now you know his pain and maybe you will feed his need to get the feeling out of his head. He needs an outlet. Even if it is a destructive one. Punching bag, old anything he can hit with a stick, bat, whatever. Any safe place he can go and use it as his outlet place like a shed, garage or other? damaging things is not okay and between the words and actions he could be on a road to jail time.
No parent wants that for their child, but I totally get your frustration and feel of loss of control. I feel for you and wish I could bring your sweet son back to you 100% of the time!