He’s done it again.

[PrayForUs]

My 24yo son called early this morning from a street corner in Vegas. He and his girlfriend got into a fight. Again.
At least this time neither of them was hauled off to jail.
All he had with him was $20 and his ID.
She had her car (which they’ve been living in) and all their belongings.
My husband got the call, and immediately went into rescue mode.
I asked him if he was sure this was something we should do.
After all, we’ve been down this path a few times already. Each time, he returns to us with nothing, and she sells/destroys/discards everything he has.
We clean him up, sober him up, get him a job, a wardrobe, some hope, and bed to sleep on and a little jingle in his pocket.
And everyone prays that this time will be different.
Until she shows up, he tells us to off, and he takes off with her. Again.
This last time, I said no more. Never again. And I meant it. We’ve only spoken a few words since. That was more than half a year ago.
Do we really want to do this again?
“Absolutely,” he said. “We prayed to God to get her out of his life once and for all, and this time she’s done it good. This is an answer to our prayers.”
I didn’t believe it. And I’m not sure he really did either. But I didn’t stop him.
So hubs bought a plane ticket and flew our homeless son home an hour later.
He left work to pick him up from the airport and drive him back to our house.
Told him to take a shower, find some clean clothes, have something to eat, take a nap...
We’ll be home this afternoon and we can talk about finding a job and how long he can stay...
By the time we got home at 4:30, he was gone.
And we haven’t heard from him since.
No answer / reply to calls or texts.

So here I am, trying to keep my head above the waves feeling so stupid and betrayed and weak and sad... so, so sad. And alone in it all.

Thank you all for being here so that I have a place that I can say all this.

Because I know that no matter what I say to my hubs will only end up sounding like blame.

And truly, I love him for still having that hope that our boy just might come around and finally be a man.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi. I am sorry you keep playing this game and he leads you into it. The girl is not the problem. He will just find another addict without her. In fact if he werent an addict they would not be together. He picked her on purpose. He may have asked her to sell his things for drug money. Very common with addicts. Everything you buy is sold or often they claim it was stolen. The point is for you to feel bad and buy them more stuff they can sell.

Unfortunately your husband cant help your son or rescue him and every time you do it he becomess less, not more of a man. Men take care of themselves, especially addicts who want to get clean. They dont call daddy and mommy. They dont ask for money. Cash in the hands of an addict, be it ten bucks or twelve hundred bucks is for one purpose only........to buy drugs. Did he steal anything? A big risk there when an addict is in your house alone.

I am sorry for your newest disappointment. He is not in quit mode or you would see it beyond a desperate phone call with a likely made up story. He can go to a rehab and get help. He knows the drill. Being of age, he can do it without you. He calls you for pity, money, a place to steal from, a short break from the street etc. Your husband can not fix his life. He has to do it.

I know hub's heart is in the right place. That just isnt a good way to deal with a drug addict. Please dont use up your retirement trying to fix your son. Do you have other kids to focus on who are in a better places? Grands? Hobbies? Good friends? House projects,? Passions? Vacations you long to take? Take them!

I recommend therapy, Al Anon or both. This helped me a lot. A neutral third party can be priceless. It wont cure your son but it can teach you to cope and to have a good life in spite of your sons struggles. You dont need to go down the tubes with your son. You shouldnt! You are imortant too! You matter.

Love and light!

 

[Lil]

I'm sorry. Please don't let this drive a wedge between you and your husband. Sometimes parent's aren't at the same stage yet when it comes to detachment and you are so right...anything you say will sound like "I told you so". That won't help anyone. As bad as you feel, I'm sure your husband feels worse. My husband and I were there too at one point. He'd have cut our son off entirely. I kept trying. We tried agreeing, but I started feeling like I was asking permission to spend money on my own son - it led to resentment. We eventually agreed to a set amount per month I could send without even mentioning it to my husband...never had to, but it eased our tension.

I do recommend counseling, for you and your husband to get on the same page and for both of you to reach a level of detachment and freedom from the awful FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that is part of the lives of parents of kids like ours.

Big hugs to you. I hope you find your peace.

 

[New Leaf]

Oh boy, does this bring back memories. I am sorry it ended up with your son taking off. No reply to calls or messages. That is hurtful.

So here I am, trying to keep my head above the waves feeling so stupid and betrayed and weak and sad... so, so sad. And alone in it all.

You are not stupid. You are a mom who loves her son. We tried and tried with our daughters. It always ended up the same. The drama and chaos overtook our home, it was a nightmarish rollercoaster. Even still, it was so difficult to say no. It felt foreign and unloving. Empty. I still go to that place sometimes, in my head and heart. But love does say no.
I am so sorry, PFU. It is a sad thing when our adult kids are off the rails. They know how to pull at our heartstrings to get us to do what they want, and at the same time have no regard for our feelings. It is wrong in so many ways.

Because I know that no matter what I say to my hubs will only end up sounding like blame.

And truly, I love him for still having that hope that our boy just might come around and finally be a man.

My hubs was the soft one. Everyone has their own way and timeframe sorting through this. We all just want our kids to make better decisions and live well.
It is the hardest thing to watch them trip and stumble.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I have pulled out all the stops for my two in the past, hoping that things would turn out differently.
It took a long time for me to grow a thick skin, and it still hits me when a new chapter evolves. I have to constantly work at lifting myself up. One day at a time, turns into moments, even one breath at a time.
It is a learning curve. My two have been drifting for a long, long time. I had to toughen up for self preservation. That is a work in progress.
Sometimes one step forward two steps back.
Be very kind to yourself PFU. This is very tough stuff to go through. Please know you are not alone.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Lil]

One other thing...and I hate to say it...but if you have not, you should look carefully around your house and see if anything is missing. Stealing goes hand in hand with drugs. Our son was never seriously addicted and was given allowance, but he still stole from us. We had some of the craziest things stolen, things you'd never imagine; sporting goods and tools and books and DVD's...anything that could be returned to a store or sold for cash.

Nothing drives home how futile your "help" is like finding your child has stolen from you. I hope I'm wrong and nothing is missing.

 

[RN0441]

So sorry that you are going through this.

I remember the feelings with our son. I thought there HAD TO BE something I could do to change him! I just knew there was but I had not found it yet.

When I found this forum I started to realize that it had nothing to do with me and what I could do for him. That was a long time ago.

It is hard to accept because as moms we continually want to "fix it".

Agree with Lil. Don't let this ruin your marriage - and it sure can! It will test the strongest union. The bottom line is you both love your son and want HIM TO WANT a better life for himself. HE isn't there yet. The fear is that some will never be.

It's okay that you cleaned him up and fed him. Sometimes that is what we need to do to make ourselves feel better. In the end who knows if it even really matters.

Prayers that you find peace and your son finds his way.

 

[Snow White]

PrayForUs, so sorry that this has happened again...and again. It is hard to believe that your heart can still have any pieces left after each "episode".

It is definitely difficult when you and your spouse are at different stages of detachment (or acceptance). Don't let this define you as a couple. Right now, your son is counting on your quick fixes, so that he can get back to what he wants to do. The girlfriend is just a distraction.

I found that early on my husband was not coping well with daughter's issues - he wanted to rescue his "little girl" but at the same time was mentally/emotionally suffering himself. We finally got to a stage where we "negotiated" a plan of what our upper and lower limit was. That worked really well because hubby could offer a little assistance to her (he felt that he was helping 'fix' and I was happy that our boundary stayed up). Now we are at the same place and, for the most part, succeeding with detachment (thanks to my friends here)! But we have had many setbacks along the way - parents are human and our love/hopes for our children will never cease. Our daughter does not want to change and we are powerless. We are trying to accept it.

Make time for self-care and time for your marriage. You will thrive off of each other if you stay healthy, strong and united.

Sending you hugs and prayers.

 

[Triedntrue]

You and I are in the same boat but I am the weak one my husband is the strong. He has had it. I keep saying just this little thing. This morning he got nasty and I blocked him. I will reread the messages if I feel weak. We all have our weak moments each one helps the learning curve. Give your husband time he will get there. Our kids are master manipulators. I agree the problem is not the girl. He will gravitate to people who want what he wants . He has to learn not to want it and that takes some hard lessons. When I was little my dad had an drinking problem. Although I didn't know it at the time when we moved my mom hoped everything would change when he got away from his buddies. He found new buddies. He stopped drinking when the Dr. said stop or die. period.

 

[CareTooMuch]

My husband and I go back and forth with who wants to help at what time. It's like we're each bipolar, trading positions of who feels the need to enable as things come up. But as others have said, it takes time and a lot of falls until we're at the same place. I have to take the same advice and not get upset when husband feels the need to help and I want him to learn lessons...and visa versa. Hang in there.

 

[Tired out]

Please..don't beat yourself up. don't beat hubby up. Stand strong and hold on to each other. Together, hubby and I are surviving our difficult child.
Even though we KNOW we have a child that is an absolute looser we hope and pray they change. We hope something happens that wakes them up and they learn to want a better life for themselves. without stealing and lying to get it.

 

[Tanya M]

I'm so sorry Prayforus. This is not your fault, this is not your doing. There are no rule books for us to follow.
Each time we have and "incident" with our adult difficult child it's another lesson learned and another piece of our heart that's broken.
My heart has been broken by my son so many times I could do one of those Gorilla Glue commercials!
I have been where you are, I say NO MORE and my husband says but he needs help. My husband and I have had some doozy fights over our son. I don't remember when it happened, it's been years, but I had a talk with my husband and told him that our son was driving a wedge between us. I told him I valued our marriage to much to let that happen. There for a while our whole world revolved around the chaos of our sons life choices. We were both beaten down and worn out! We were slowly becoming strangers. I knew something needed to change so we started taking time just for us. We would take a long drive on the weekend and the one rule was, *no discussing difficult adult son*. There is something about being in the car together with no particular place to go, just driving, music on the radio, and sometimes just silence between us but in that silence to reach over and put my hand on my husbands leg as he was driving, just a small touch but a touch that spoke through the silence. Stopping in little towns for a bite to eat or wondering through an antique store. Going on these drives helped us to re-connect and from there we were able to start having some serious conversations about our son.
When I told my husband that I was afraid of our son he was shocked. I shared with him how when our son was around my anxiety was off the charts.
The main thing was to have conversations about our son before the "next crisis" hit and to have a plan in place.
Share with your husband that you feel used by your son. Share with him that having your son around makes you feel anxious. Share with him.
I learned something about sharing, it's not what you say, it's how you say it.
Don't say: "I feel used by our son"
Do say: "When son reaches out to us in desperation and we help him and then he takes off, it make me feel used"
Hang in there!! You are not alone in this.
((HUGS))

 

[PrayForUs]

My husband and I go back and forth with who wants to help at what time. It's like we're each bipolar, trading positions of who feels the need to enable as things come up.

Yep - we do that too!

 

[EarthIsHard]

Pray, I'm sorry you feel sad though you are not alone.
Our son, two years older, could be your son. We've been on that path with him many many times. And, my husband and I were also 'bipolar' for quite some time.. addicts count on it. Now we are on the same page.
Our son finally got that we were done 9 months ago. It broke our hearts, still does. We didn't hear from him for over a half year then found out that whatever not so good decisions and refusal of professional help again, he's been committed to a state psychiatric hospital in another state. They told us they can keep him for up to 6 months. It was his bad decisions that got him there, can't blame it on mom and dad this time. After such a long haul with drugs, the long time off is a good thing. He is off the streets, has a bed and food and water. Don't get me wrong, we still have hope for him, lots of hope.
Prayers to you and your husband and your son. It's never easy.

 

[PrayForUs]

Thank you. It helps so much to hear from others who are going through the same thing. Most people just can’t imagine...

I will pray for you and for your son as well.

Hope is such a beautiful thing. Never let it go.

 

[Michael taken]

Oh boy, does this bring back memories. I am sorry it ended up with your son taking off. No reply to calls or messages. That is hurtful. You are not stupid. You are a mom who loves her son. We tried and tried with our daughters. It always ended up the same. The drama and chaos overtook our home, it was a nightmarish rollercoaster. Even still, it was so difficult to say no. It felt foreign and unloving. Empty. I still go to that place sometimes, in my head and heart. But love does say no.
I am so sorry, PFU. It is a sad thing when our adult kids are off the rails. They know how to pull at our heartstrings to get us to do what they want, and at the same time have no regard for our feelings. It is wrong in so many ways.
My hubs was the soft one. Everyone has their own way and timeframe sorting through this. We all just want our kids to make better decisions and live well.
It is the hardest thing to watch them trip and stumble.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I have pulled out all the stops for my two in the past, hoping that things would turn out differently.
It took a long time for me to grow a thick skin, and it still hits me when a new chapter evolves. I have to constantly work at lifting myself up. One day at a time, turns into moments, even one breath at a time.
It is a learning curve. My two have been drifting for a long, long time. I had to toughen up for self preservation. That is a work in progress.
Sometimes one step forward two steps back.
Be very kind to yourself PFU. This is very tough stuff to go through. Please know you are not alone.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

I feel the same as to feeling a fool. As a stepfather I gave and “loaned” enormous amounts of money to a stepson that was able to use his mother as she enabled him through me. I was extremely generous and when I found out everything was a con/scam it nearly cost me our marriage. I convinced my wife that she was an enabler and we haven’t had any contact for two years (I think) other than him calling my wife to tell her he now has leukemia. Of course it was a last ditch ploy. He has 3 kids and NEVER has had a job more than a few days. He has lived off of others and Fund Me and food banks. He used to fondly tell us and siblings that “family takes care of family” when asking for money. My biggest fear now is when I pass away he will be at my wife’s home within days of my death.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Michael, you have replied to an old post, it may take awhile for others to respond. Welcome to CD. I am sorry for your troubles with your stepson. It is hard when adult kids have kids and still are not responsible. Ugh. We fell into the money trap, the games, the lies. We just wanted to help, but learned after awhile that we were being taken advantage of. I suppose it is because we wouldn’t imagine doing the same to our own parents, were horrified for our grandkids, the list goes on, then it all does boil down to the “E” word. When a therapist point blank told me I was an enabler, I was shocked and angry. It was true. I just got so caught up in it all, I had no idea.

other than him calling my wife to tell her he now has leukemia. Of course it was a last ditch ploy. He has 3 kids and NEVER has had a job more than a few days. He has lived off of others and Fund Me and food banks. He used to fondly tell us and siblings that “family takes care of family” when asking for money.

How do these adult kids of ours live with themselves? What an insult to people who are truly battling leukemia. I have heard similar things from my daughter. “He’s not an addict, he has stomach cancer.” Huh. Have heard the family takes care of family line also. Right. That is a one sided lifestyle of addicts. What is their contribution to family?

My biggest fear now is when I pass away he will be at my wife’s home within days of my death.

I understand this, but that is something you have no control over. No sense fretting over what may be. Live your life well. You matter.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy