Stands,
My friend, I am so sorry for your hurting. I know how it is to have to keep trying and trying and trying over and over again with a child who never seems to get it. You try because you belive in your mind that if you don't "THIS TIME" was "THE ONE TIME" that would have made a difference. Sadly - it's not. What it is? It's tiring, it wears on us as parents, it makes other parents who have been through the same thing and suffered the hurt and anguish you are - want to shake you until your teeth fall out. NOT because you aren't cared for, but because as humans who feel and care - If we've already been there done that - we try to teach others BEFORE they get hurt, because no one really wants to see anyone hurt. Just like us trying to teach our difficult child's - we TELL them things so that they DON'T get hurt because we're older or wiser - and they don't listen, get hurt and that's the part that exhausts us as parents - and as friends.
So at what point do you let go? At what point do you stop allowing this person, this child of yours to stop controlling your life? At what point do you say - I'm tired of everyone BEING right about my choices. At what point do you allow yourself the satisfaction of knowing that you have done everything humanly possible to put supports in place to help this child. As a Christian - at what point do you finally admit to yourself that God is greater than this and your continued efforts to help are sabotaging HIS plan for your child?
All questions I believe most of us here in this forum have asked ourselves at one time or another. You know at one point I looked up the definition of insanity. It means - to do the same action over and over where nothing changes, yet you expect a different result every time. Are you insane? No!! You're a parent who wants things to change so badly you are willing to do things over and over where nothing changes and expect your son to behave differently every time. In other words - YOU are trying - he is NOT.
If your son were any other person that you knew as a casual acquaintence; would you advise that mother to continue to invite that child back into her home? KNOWING nothing would change because the child hasn't? Would you tell her to keep giving him money, bailing him out? You said yourself as odd as it felt at least when he was in jail - you had peace. You KNEW where he was. I agree wholeheartedly. When Dude was in Department of Juvenile Justice - I knew where he was, I did not like it, but he was not at my house causing more problems and stress for me. Even through his 2 suicide attempts - my mind carried me to a place that said - If he does take his life - there is nothing I can do to prevent it. Frustration to the max, but we are all in control of our own destiny.
I don't know the conditions of the bond or how much you paid to get him out. I think you know that if he doesnt' show up for court - your are out your money. If he doesn't call the bonding agent and report in - you will loose your money. If that's a financial loss you can live with - let it go. Eventually he will be caught, and he WILL have more charges added and he will spend more time in jail. Maybe that's a way you can let go? Knowing that the money got him out - and you took the loss for it. You didn't turn him in - you didn't revoke his bond - You just let it go - and in a sense also let him go.
I know you are stronger than to let him come back home. We've talked about that. I know you won't give him that option to get a foothold in your lives and undo all the work you have done for yourself in gaining strength. I love my son with all my heart but I know it would be foolish to allow him to come back to live with me. He would have to do so much changing before I could trust him again. I dont' want anyone living under my roof while I sleep that I can't trust. I dont' deserve that.
Whatever you and husband work out - I know it will be well thought out. I guess the question that buzzes my head about this would be -IF I DID revoke his bond, IF I DID send a message to him that while I love you - you aren't going to lie to me again - Would it make a difference in how he behaves towards me in the future? Do you suppose he'd sit in jail and go Dang - Mom and Dad WERE serious. Do you suppose he'd sit in jail and say Dang - my parents hate me, I did what they asked me to do or how about Dang - I got caught - haha can't believe my parents fell for it AGAIN? See each of those scenarios are real - the first - is like giving ourselves hope as parents - we said A would happen if B did not occur. B did not occur so A happened. Tough Love. Then B - Is juvenille in its thinking because you HAD to love him to bail him out in the first place - he is displacing blame to the max. You did your part HE did not do his. And the Third - Just cruel and what most of us would imagine our children were thinking. It makes us doubt ourselves and feel like scuckers.
Sad thing is - none of us want to be made to feel like a tootsie pop, but until you KNOW that you are being made to be a tootsie pop - you are going to repeat the same scenario over and over hoping for a different result or outcome each time - and THAT is insane.
I post my words lightly to you Stands, because I know how you must be feeling, and because I consider you a friend. But mostly because in the end - whatever you decide is the choice you made because it's what you could live with. I'm sorry for anyone who has gotten to the point where their child is in jail. I wish I had more words of comfort for you than - get tough - because getting tough is fine, but it doesn't stop the pain of knowing someone you love is so far gone that you feel the only help you have left is to let go.
That's not a place I envy anyone being.
Hugs & love
Star
