He left!

[meowbunny]

Stands, I'm not really sure why you ask for advice. No matter what we say, you do the exact opposite. We told you repeatedly do not bond him out. Let him find a way to get to the ministry or whatever rehab he chooses on his own. Instead, you guys bonded him out. We do understand why. He is your son, you had hope. Then he did exactly what we expected him to do -- not work the program. He isn't ready to quit. We were here for you. We stood by you. We tried to comfort you. The one piece of advice you got repeatedly was do not give him any money. You gave him money to come home.

Ask us to pray for you. Ask us to be here for you. This we can do. Vent when needed. But please don't ask us for advice. If we forget and give you advice, please don't say you'll follow it. The odds are you won't. All it will do is frustrate us when you totally ignore what is said and do the exact opposite. It really isn't fair to us.

I'm sorry you're hurting. As to whether the ministry was the right place for him or not, the answer is relatively simple. For now, there is no "right" place. He isn't ready to quit. He played you and husband perfectly. He got what he wanted -- he's out and back on drugs.

 

[BusynMember]

I had to let my daughter fall before she'd pull herself up. Granted, she never let herself fall as far as your son, but she WAS an addict too, as in addicted to drugs, and she did it all and she quit. We had nothing to do with her decision, she had to make it. But, along the way, she got NO money from us, NO housing...she had to live in her brother's basement...he was the only one willing to give her one last chance, and he had strict rules she had to follow. It worked because she was ready for it to work. She had blown her driver's license and had no car so she got money by walking a block from his house to Subway and working there for a year. She was lonesome because she had no friends in a new state. But she did it. Your son isn't ready to give up drugs. You can send him to the #1 rehab in the world and he will walk out. He won't even give it a chance. But maybe, if you don't feel guilty or make it easy for him, he'll decide, like my daughter did, that he's tired of himself and WANTS to change. Maybe if he's homeless with no money, he'll get a job, because if he doesn't, he's broke. He won't starve. There are soup kitchens and shelters. I would start extremely tough love NOW. He is old enough to find a rehab that is to his liking when/if he is ready to quit using. Until then, you are doing him and yourself and your other family members no good by enabling his addictive behavior. Like my daughter tells me: "Never trust a drug addict."

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I just wanted something to work so all this drama and craziness would somehow give way to peace.

Yes, we know that is what you wanted. But really listen to what is being said:

You can have peace as soon as you start living your own life. This chaos is what you are choosing for yourself.

Yep. YOU can create peace in your life, just as your son creates chaos in his. Own your peace and let him own his chaos.

As painful as it is, at this point in your life the only way you're going to find peace is to refuse to take on the problems of your difficult child. Let him own his problems.

Same thing, re-worded. You are allowing his chaos to become your chaos. Let him live in his chaos. Choose to live in peace.

I'm sorry you're hurting. As to whether the ministry was the right place for him or not, the answer is relatively simple. For now, there is no "right" place. He isn't ready to quit. He played you and husband perfectly. He got what he wanted -- he's out and back on drugs.

She is 100% right. You need to accept that he is not ready, and nothing you did or could have done differently would have made him ready.


YOU are responsible for your own happiness. Nobody is going to do it for you.
Your son is responsible for his own happiness. Or his own misery. Leave him be. One day, it will be bad enough that he will want to stop. Let him know through your actions that you will no longer be making it comfortable for him to continue his lifestyle.

 

[scent of cedar]

This is where faith comes in.

When you pray, pray for the knowledge of God's will, and the power to carry it out.

Beautifully put, BBK.

Barbara

 

[DammitJanet]

I have a feeling that when they meet with the bondsman that unless your husband says its ok for him to come home so you can verify that he will make it to court, they will revoke him.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I'm going to be a broken record on the Al-Anon/Nar-Anon thing. 5 years? Do you have a sponsor? I would suggest asking one of the fellow members to be your sponsor. You need to work those steps, and diligently. This is when you need a person to call who can talk you down. Know, of course, that they will probably tell you the exact same thing that everyone here is telling you.

I am going to pray. Not for your son, but for you ... that God will give you the strength you need. That is where YOUR prayers ought to be going, as well. At this point, your son's future is in Gods hands. Yours, well, you still have choices there.

 

[witzend]

5 years? Do you have a sponsor? I would suggest asking one of the fellow members to be your sponsor.

If you already have a sponsor, you need a better one.

 

[janebrain]

Stands,
your son played both you and the ministry man. The ministry man is disappointed--well, I think your son told him everything he wanted to hear in order to get out of jail. I don't think he ever had any real intentions of working a program. You have got to quit second guessing everything--you still are in the mindset that there is something you could have done differently to make your son change. Once you can really let go of that false notion you will be so much better off. If you can come to the realization that you did everything you could and there is/was nothing you could do to change the outcome you will be able to truly detach and let your son's problems be his own.

I feel frustrated because this "kid" is 24 years old and you still seem to think he is about 12 or 13! He needs to grow up and you need to let him! As someone else said, there are soup kitchens, homeless shelters, etc. Also, it is Spring, he won't even freeze to death! He will manage and he may decide he doesn't want to live like that anymore. He will never be able to decide as long as he knows he has a family who won't take away the safety net. You really do need to get seriously angry about all his manipulations so you can have the strength to say no to him.

Sincerely,
Jane

 

[witzend]

Eating at a soup line and living in a shelter won't kill him. That's what homeless junkies do when they're not in jail. Stop treating him like a fine upstanding member of society who took some hard knocks. He's not Lindsay Lohan. He's a regular old run of the mill junkie. Start treating him like one so he will know what it means in the real world.

What would he do if you two died in a car accident tomorrow? I hope you're not leaving him any money.

 

[CAmom]

Stands, speaking as one who has been there done that in terms of not having healthy boundaries with my child, I completely understand how difficult this process must be for you.

Do you remember when your son was an infant and how, when you held him, sometimes it felt as though you couldn't tell where his skin left off and your own began, and how sweet and right that felt?

But, at some point, you realized that he and you were not the same person, and that you had to help him slowly separate from you in order for him to grow up into the independent adult he was meant to be.

in my opinion, you're doing him and YOURSELF a great diservice by not putting some of that emotional energy you spend trying to save him into getting back some boundaries between the two of you so that you can continue to grow as an individual independent of your son and his actions, and HE can learn to be a person who "stands with courage."

 

[standswithcourage]

Well I am reading, again, codependent no more and the language of letting go by melody beattie. maybe it will sink in - also i am trying to go back to my counselor - i just dont like the tension i feel - i feel like screaming sometimes

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Is your counselor not answering? You need to see a doctor about a possible change in medication. Your counselor cannot do that for you.

So, where is your son?

 

[witzend]

Are you still having a financial disagreement about your missed sessions with your counselor? She probably won't see you until you rectify that.

Along with a new thought process, you might start a new thread.