Help please! I need to ask if I was a bad mother. Feel like one.

[susiestar]

I am so glad that what I said about the volunteer place made sense to you and has given you a tool to use to help you choose social groups. Some days I cannot express what I think for all the salt in McDonald's, but others the words seem to flow the way they should. It is great that you recognize that the social miscues would normally be brushed off and that when they are not, often it is not the miscue but rather the other person that is the problem. You are a sweetie, but many people just cannot cope with people being nice. Then they try to tear YOU down rather than to do anything to truly solve their problems.

It is a big relief that you see that daughter in law is the best choice for custody. I know it is late in the game, but could you send a letter or email to her telling her that you hope she gets custody and that you think she is the best choice of parent for grandson to spend most of his time with? That you have serious concerns about 35's choices and behaviors and it may not be safe for grandson to spend large amts of time with him? It WILL get back to your son, and will make him very angry and hurt. I don't think that would be worse than the trauma of finding that your son has done something stupid, but I totally understnad if you need or want to stay far from the topic. The entire situation of a custody fight is exhausting. I just wonder if years from now, if 35 did something drastic, that you might feel bad because you daughter NOT tell the court about it. I fully understand if you cannot do this. I spent decades being verbally and otherwise abused with-o standing up when I should have. I cast no stones to you regardless of your choices. This is just something to think about.

I am glad that something I have said is helpful to you. You are one of the most loving people that I have ever been given as a friend. Even if we NEVER meet in real life, you will still be a good friend that I care deeply about.

 

[scent of cedar]

You know what I was wondering this morning?

I wonder whether incidents like these happen when we are healthy enough ourselves to see what has been going on all along. I mean, as WE become healthier, is there a point at which we recognize how toxic our relationships to our troubled children are to us? Just think if MWM had not had access to something like this Board. There would have been no alternative to believing what 35 had to say. Hearing that unfiltered toxicity would have spiraled into all the other toxic or traumatic things that have happened with 35 over the years. There would have been no immediate positive feedback to stop the toxic feelings MWM's conversation with 35 engendered. There would have been nowhere for MWM to ask the question that truly haunted her ~ was she the bad, condemning mother 35 claimed she was? That MWM was able to question 35's toxicity, rather than letting it sink in, is an indication of health, when you think about it. Without everyone here to help MWM remember who she really is, she would be struggling now with her own self image because of 35's toxicity dump.

How awful, to realize this is what happens to us as we try to listen to and support our troubled adult children.

MWM, your post about 35's toxicity has helped me understand the dynamic behind what happens to me. I am so sorry this happened to you again, but so glad you posted about it. When things have been so tough with difficult child, I spiral into a place like that, too. A kind of accusatory, trapped place, a place where I feel shocked, where I feel useless, and angry and guilty and ashamed, because whatever I've done, nothing changes for difficult child. But you know, I think what happens to us is a convoluted version of normal. As Scott posted, a man does not do what MWM's troubled 35 does. It never even happens. In a normal world, none of us would be dealing with these feelings...and they would not leak over into our social interactions, our jobs, our belief in ourselves as clean, bright people who have something of value to offer the world. Instead, we would be celebrating whatever success our children had ~ but our main focus would be on our own lives. For us though, the normal, happy thoughts associated with grown kids have turned desperate. We live and love our kids in the mirror image of normal. How extraordinary, that we still love them as we do, still so desperately hope for their happiness, even at the sacrifice of our own.

Adult children should be sort of extracurricular sources of pleasure. You know, bright, happy people we love, but extraneous to our real lives.

MWM, I hope you are coming back into balance, this morning. You are a wonderful mom, and you are so funny and sweet and honest about your social "gaffes" that I have to laugh out loud. You are beautiful, MWM. To see you wounded like this is hurtful ~ but as I said earlier, it was so helpful to me to recognize an echo of my own pain in your pain. 35's last toxicity attack was timed to perfection, when you think about it. He knew you would be thinking about him, wishing the best for him, feeling a little guilty that you hadn't sacrificed your serenity to listen to him rave on and on. It would be interesting to learn how intensely he rehearsed everything he was going to say to you, and to learn too, how much pleasure he took in anticipating how what he was going to do would hurt you.

Well, 35 may just have enjoyed his last toxicity tantrum, because I think you are (and I am, too) seeing things a little more clearly these days.

Thank heaven for this Board.

:O)

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

Your post is a provocative and thoughtful one Cedar. I agree that it was a sign of health for MWM to waiver in her judgement of herself and to also be so willing to let it go too. MWM, you did a wonderful job of letting it all go!

The most difficult part of this for me has been to recognize that virtually all contact with my daughter is damaging/toxic to me. She has really done all she can to keep the drama away from me, but at the same time the very life she lives and doesn't change, the level of disconnect from her own daughter, her inability to show up at all for anyone else, the continuing and relentless trauma which surrounds her because of the choices she makes and her complete ignorance of any responsibility or recognition of what her choices do to me or anyone, leaves me no choice but to distance myself completely.

It has felt as if I had been backing out of a dark, scary battlefield, tip toeing, quietly moving...............and then suddenly turning around and running as fast as I can to.................to where.............to freedom, to light, to peace............

As I ponder the holidays this year I recall last Christmas when I had invited my difficult child and she never responded and then at about 2 or 3 in the afternoon on Christmas day she emailed me asking if she were still invited. I had already invited her, so the email was moot. I looked around at all the fun we were all having and I knew her presence would end that so I opted to do nothing and she never came. She told me later she cried for a week in her isolation during her favorite holiday. How does a mother grapple with that knowledge? If you include them they ruin everyone's experience. If you leave them out, they are desperately lonely. How do we do that and feel okay in our hearts? I will be facing that again in a month.

Detachment has so many facets. I feel pretty good most of the time..............and then...........a moment of truth shows up, this is my only child, how do I exclude her once again for the holidays? Next year will I be so detached that I won't think this way, presuming things stay the course............yeah, that's probably what will happen..........I just keep getting further and further away from her..............like a little boat drifting on a calm sea............and you can barely see the land anymore.............pretty soon it's just a clear horizon............nothing but open sea and possibilities........some days that feels absolutely right and other days, like today........... it feels strange.

 

[BusynMember]

Wow. Thanks for all the support!

Susie, your post to me was invaluable. I think your posts often are. I have though of writing to ex, but she hates me...lol...and I don't know her new last name or where she lives. She blocked me from FB and e-mail and is not that sane herself. It is probably best if I don't start up with her because she could very well turn it into a sarcastic negative in her head and even have the cops called to tell me not to harass her. I am not worried. Some things 35 told me make me sure she will get custody. She's a piece of work, but I don't think she is as offensive as 35. Still...no interest in communicating anything to her. She will probably never let me see my grandson so I guess it's fortunate that I never got to see him in the first place.

For anyone interested, I have just found a way to both detach from 35 in a very potent way and to not even feel a pinch of guilt!!!! Halleluiah!!!! He called this morning and I answered because it was so early I hadn't even checked the caller ID. I was surprised he'd called. But the conversation was worth it. Basically, I just listened while he told me that he had overheard the GAL asking ex's lawyer if she'd mind if he had two hours on Wednesday, which means shes is thinking of stripping 35 of his 50/50 status and giving him minimal time with his son. He told me that he was distraught and that I needed to say something positive, even though he knew there was nothing positive to say, but he still needed me to give him hope and be positive. If that makes no sense to you, I have been listening to that sort of nonsense for a year now. I am expected to be his private pep rally when there is nothing to be peppy about.

God must have been listening because he gave me the answer that made 35 so desolate that I believe he's done calling me for "support." I said, "35, I would love to be able to say positive things to you because I love you." (That was a true statement. So is the rest, actually). "I have gone through this with you so far and I can't see anything positive to say about it. I wish I could be positive, but I can only think of how your ex is going to win. In your behalf, it looks bleak and I have nothing to offer you that is positive. I'm sorry. I'll lend you an ear if you want to vent."

He paused and I know he was puzzled and he finally said, "Well, if you can't think of anything positive, then it's too stressful for me to talk to you. I'm can't talk to you anymore. Bye!"

He hung up and I hope he means it. If he doesn't, I'm going to keep repeating that there is nothing positive to say, that ex has won, and that I am sorry he is so sad (which is true), but that as hard as I try, I can't be positive. That's what he wants from me. A constant cheering section when I don't even WANT him to get custody. I'm not going to tell him that. I am not willing to feel the force of the guilt I'd feel if I said that to him. I'm going to leave it at "I can't think of any positives." He never talks to me if I say anything even close to that so I think I found my way out.

Al-Anon is tomorrow morning. I wonder if 35 is going to drink himself sick when he loses, but I can't control how he reacts. I'm still scared that he'll kill himself, but there is NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING I can do to prevent it unless he tells me he's doing it. Then I can call 911. In my heart, I don't think he'd actually do it, but you never know (sigh). We all put up with so much. Right now I am going to detach my thoughts again and think of happy things like how Jumper's team made third place varsity mostly because of Jumper!!!!! It is so amazing and almost horrifying that one child can give a parent so much grief and another so much pleasure. I dearly enjoy being with Julie and Lucas and would die for even 35, but Jumper is truly such a delightful young lady. I'm so glad t hat all this heartache happened while Jumper and Sonic were still living at home so I could remember how blessed I really am. Can't forget husband either.

Thanks again, all three of you. I honestly wish I could meet you all and give you a real life hug. You will have to settle for this right now. ((((Big Hugs))))!!!! Don't know what I'd do without you three and so many others.

 

[susiestar]

I am glad you found meaning in my post. Of course daughter in law is not totally sane. She chose 35 and married him, didn't she? difficult children do find each other almost inevitably. Sad as it is, esp for grandson who is missing out on an amazing pair of grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins, it probably is easier in the long run for you to not call her or have contact. Both of J's parents seem the type to use him as a hostage negotiation tool.

I think your response was BRILLIANT. I think it will take a few repetitions, but eventually he won't call because you are not giving him what he wants.

As to the holiday question about leaving a difficult child alone or having the difficult child there to make everyone miserable, why does it have to be all or nothing? My inlaws have some strange thing about mixing us with stepmil's family (she and father in law both had grown families when they married - in fact I was in the hospital with labor pains that fizzled out after six hours DURING their wedding. husband barely made it to the ceremony and he was best man. I knew it wasn't going to happen so I made him leave for the ceremony, lol.) We generally are with them only when the other side is not there. No clue why, and from what I have seen, the other side doesn't really know either.

This does not mean we are 'left out'. It means we do one time, they do another. Schedule a time and activity to do with difficult child, and then have others over at another time iwthout her. It makes ZERO sense to sacrifice the enjoyable time if having difficult child there makes it miserable. She can either learn to fit in and behave appropriately, or celebrate with some of you at another time. If you have her there to make everyone miserable, how will she EVER learn that her actions have consequences? it does NOT mean to cut her off entirely, just to have a separate time so that she gets to celebrate with you without punishing the rest of the family.

Yes, she won't like it and will be unhappy to not be welcome atthe other times. As soon as she gets her behavior and choices into something approximating appropriate adult behavior, she will be welcome. HER choices make her unwelcome. Maybe a holiday season where it is clear that her actions dictate the separation will help her hit bottom and accept help and use the tools she has been given/taught. If she doesn't turn her life around, why should the rest of you sacrifice yourselves and your close knit holiday times on the altar of her gfgness?

No difficult child is more important than other family members. Her loneliness is NOT more important to the family than the misery of the family at times when you celebrate with her. If she is tired of being desperately lonely on holidays, she can reach out for help and she can change her behavior and choices so that she is not making family gatherings miserable. You have clearly provided her with decades of support, love, and tools to use to change her life to a more positive one. difficult child CHOOSES to not use these tools, and in my opinion the consequence of these choices is to not be at those gatherings. If it was a sudden acute crisis, like a car accident, then you drop everything to help and you give up the little league game, the weekend trip to the bookstore, etc... to support the person. But if it is a long term chronic condition, it does not make sense to give up the day to day things to focus all attention and energies on one person. Especially if that person is choosing not to help herself. (I hope this is clear, it is clear in my head but not sure I am communicating it clearly.)

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks, Susie. He didn't call last night at all. He usually TRIES to call about five times a day and that's where it was wearing me out. He really only wants me to tell him, "BUT YOU WILL PREVAIL ANYWAYS!!!" I haven't done that for ages, but I never out and out stated that I don't feel positive. In fact I felt he would lose. That made him hang up on me and not call back...lol!!!!! I had a very peaceful day and do not feel guilty saying it is because I did not have to even SEE 35's phone number on my phone. Yes, just seeing his phone number would make me start to feel a heaviness in my heart. Even if I never answered his calls. It's better for me if I don't even have to see that.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Thanks Susie, all of that makes sense. It isn't so much that my difficult child doesn't act well or is inappropriate, it's that she has done damage to her relationships with her daughter and step daughters and although they are acutely aware of that hurt, my daughter is not. She has no real grasp on reality with how she has acted, she has either chosen not to accept her responsibility or she is not capable of seeing what she's done, I am really not sure which. So the kids don't want to be around her now and I understand that and have respected that.

Last year was the first year I made the choice not to include my daughter on Christmas Day. The kids all told me they would leave if she came. So, of course I didn't do that. The odd part is my daughter wants to see them and no matter how I explain to her that their reactions are founded in reality, she won't or can't accept it. I think it is a form of amnesia that she employed when her husband died, she simply escaped reality to avoid facing her feelings, I don't know.

You make good points and perhaps I will invite her on other days. I think some of my angst has been a memory of a Christmas many, many years ago where through some strange circumstances I ended up being alone on that day and it was the loneliest day of my life.............just thinking about pretty much everyone with family and celebrating and there I was stuck far away and alone.............sometimes my empathy works against me and certainly it has with my difficult child at times............and I'm sure she's worked it too!!

You're right that no difficult child is more important then the rest of the family, of course that's true. For me sometimes those lines are not so distinctly drawn and my feelings outweigh reason or logic because it just plain hurts to have to make these kinds of choices, no matter how realistic they are.........sigh.......

But thanks for your input, it was very clear and I appreciate it.

 

[scent of cedar]

Recovering, I think that, given that love is mostly the desire to love, is mostly the wish to happily cherish another person...I think there will come a time, as each of us becomes healthier, when we will be able to love both ourselves and our dysfunctional adult children WHERE THEY ARE.

That is our goal, right?

Now that we are down South again, I find myself thinking about the way Southerners deal with this stuff. "Miss difficult child, she's just not right, bless her heart. She does the craziest things, Miss difficult child! But we love her. She's ours, and we love her just the way she is, poor little thing."

There is something here about the way I see my difficult child. Something about denial. Something about the pain we all feel, the dread we all live in being less a thing having to do with the difficult child than it does with our own stubborn refusal to see and accept and love the difficult child for who they keep telling us they are. Here is a secret: Maybe, my difficult child has never been the child I love, in my heart. I keep trying to believe the horrifying paths she seems determined to walk are mistakes. They are not. This is who my difficult child is and has always been. It would be a terrible thing, to be loved not for yourself, but because your mother already had the dream of who her child would be and filled that space in her heart with you. Maybe that is why our difficult child's seem to try so hard to force us to see the differences between who they are and who we insist that they are?

That statement seems so simple. But what it does is acknowledge the situation as it really is. What we learn as our troubled teens turn into adults is how much it hurts to hope, and how hopeless it all really is. As Recovering noted regarding the holidays, the joy of anticipation is impossible, for us. Instead, we find ourselves almost hypnotized by waves of dread anticipation. Remember that story about the man who loves to stand outside and watch through the windows as other families celebrate their lives, because he has no family of his own? And when he finally has his own family, he places a mirror outside, so he can watch his own family celebrate?

Well, that's us.

Always on the outside, looking in. Knowing what we hope for, and knowing that for us, that mirror is going to reflect a very different reality.

You are right, Recovering.

I dread the holidays, too.

I don't know what I am going to lose, this year.

*******************************

For all of us, the goal is to learn to cherish and respect both ourselves and our kids. There has been so much horror for all of us. MWM, right this minute, is beginning her morning with the dread of 35's threat of suicide hanging over her because she has opted for the healthier response. MWM is being punished and blackmailed by 35, really. I like what you did, MWM. You told 35 the truth. In a way, what you did was respected him enough, believed in him enough, to be honest with him. I hope he picks up on that ~ but even if he doesn't, you have been courageous enough to change the rules of the game he has been forcing you to play. It's a beginning.

Normal parents have no clue what we go through.

Here on the site, we seem to be creating a way to see our relationships to our troubled adult kids in a better way. What we are reclaiming in the process is the sense of wonder and hope and possibility. It is so risky for us to hope, to believe, to celebrate. Think of how many times each of us has said, "Hooray for us. We did it ~ got difficult child through another crisis and this time, it's all good."

We've all had to learn not to do that, anymore.

The results of allowing ourselves to relax where difficult child adults are concerned are horrifying.

Worse than horrifying, when there are grandchildren.

Those who have read along with me this past Winter know husband and I essentially lost all those months. We were not able to celebrate our good fortune, our friends, each other ~ nothing. Everything turned black and got darker.

That is what dealing with troubled adult kids costs.

I am so afraid for the horror of what is coming next. MWM is in that place right now, over 35's threats of suicide. Dreadful, dreadful, never knowing what you are going to be plunged into next. Recovering, like me and maybe like all of us here, anticipating holidays where everything turns from a celebration of love and light to something twisted and dark and unspeakably painful. I don't know how we are going to change how we see ourselves and our troubled adult kids. I don't know what that is going to look like. But I do think we are working our ways toward that.

It's almost impossibly hard to live with dread, with the certainty of loss. It was so strange this summer, when difficult child learned the family had begun preparing ourselves for the phone call that would tell us the end of the story. She was so angry that we had...prepared ourselves to begin to go on, I guess.

difficult child felt betrayed.

I don't know what to make of any of it. I only know where I want to get to with it, but I don't even know whether that is possible.

*****************

Recovering, this may help. During any family event, I know that, at the end of it, whatever has happened, I will sit quietly alone after everyone has gone to bed. (Nowadays, that would just be husband and the dog ~ whatever! :O) ) I make a cup of gourmet coffee, and I drink it out of an exquisite, bone china cup that belonged to my maternal grandmother. Through that ceremony, I connect with the women of my line ~ connect with the pain and the joy, with the tragedy and the triumph and loss. Somehow, that comforts me in a way nothing else has ever been able to do. There is something there about other women sustaining losses they did not have the strength to face and going on, anyway. It legitimizes the pain of the thing for me, somehow. I find a kind of wordless strength, there. If it's Christmas, I truly celebrate the lights and decorations, all by myself. I give myself that gift. Knowing I am going to do that, knowing I am going to re-see everything that has happened through those eyes that have seen generations of pain and laughter and life...I don't know, Recovering. It settles me, somehow. If you decide to try it, envision the women of your line as far back as you can do it. Not their appearances so much, but the feel of them.

That is the only thing I know that helps me face the holidays. I know I will be alone, in joy or in pain or bewildered shock...and that there are others who have gone there before me, and survived.

It will bring you strength too, Recovering.

:O)

Cedar

 

[scent of cedar]

The most difficult part of this for me has been to recognize that virtually all contact with my daughter is damaging/toxic to me.

the very life she lives and doesn't change, the level of disconnect from her own daughter, her inability to show up at all for anyone else, the continuing and relentless trauma which surrounds her because of the choices she makes and her complete ignorance of any responsibility or recognition of what her choices do to me or anyone

It has felt as if I had been backing out of a dark, scary battlefield, tip toeing, quietly moving...............and then suddenly turning around and running as fast as I can to.................to where.............to freedom, to light, to peace............


on Christmas day she emailed me asking if she were still invited.

I had already invited her, so the email was moot.

She told me later she cried for a week in her isolation during her favorite holiday.

Recovering, we have to stop running. That's the answer. We need to retake the territory of the heart, stake our flag and reclaim our capacities for joy (or sadness). Since (at least in my own case) I have never managed to be everything my difficult child needs, then I need to learn to accept and cherish her on the outside, where that pain that attends her cannot really touch my heart. Our difficult child's are adult women, Recovering. They have no business in our true, secret hearts. That is sacred territory, and we need to reclaim it for our own.


*********************


As to your daughter's Christmas call? That was salvo #1. The declaration of battle. Truly, Recovering ~ if difficult child daughter meant to celebrate Christmas with you, she would have been in on the joy of the planning for weeks ahead of time. There would have been an immediate response to your initial email. It's like that FB post she made, about what a child is entitled to from a parent. You never even saw the bullet that hit you ~ but your mate did. He was able to explain it, because your difficult child does not hold claim over the territory of his heart like she does, yours.

And like my difficult child does, mine.

You had already invited her. In other words Recovering, you had already suffered through what you hoped and what you needed and what your family needed and...what your difficult child needed. You weighed in on the side of difficult child. So, that was torture #1, really. The Christmas email was actually salvo #2.

And then, after torturing you with whether she was going to show up, in what condition and with whom (essentially, ruining the anticipation of Christmas for you ON PURPOSE), your difficult child makes certain that you will know how she suffered because you had not made her feel welcome on her FAVORITE holiday.

We really are in a war, Recovering.

Maybe it will help if you sit with the dread of it, let it wash over you, and realize that you can and will survive it, whatever it is.

The battle is beginning to seem less about surviving the details of what is horrible this time, and more about how we can continue to cherish children who are so dangerous to us. I don't know the answer to that one. I do know that, while I can so easily see the manipulation in your difficult child's behaviors, and in MWM's difficult child...I am blind as a bat when it comes to the territory of my own heart. Remember when you posted to me about the heart-stopping horror I feel at my own difficult child's bruises and at the danger she seems to want to be certain I know she lives in?

Same thing.

We freeze, I think, when we are horrified. We are powerless, then.

And interestingly enough, for you and me and MWM...that is when (and where) our difficult child's strike.

I don't know how we are going to do this. But I am thinking that, now that we see it, in our own stories and in the stories of the other parents here on the Board...we can make things better.

Maybe not perfect, but we sure don't have to be sitting ducks, anymore.

Cedar

 

[scent of cedar]

I think some of my angst has been a memory of a Christmas many, many years ago where through some strange circumstances I ended up being alone on that day and it was the loneliest day of my life.............just thinking about pretty much everyone with family and celebrating and there I was stuck far away and alone.............

Bingo, Recovering.

That is the pain your daughter keyed into to hurt you last Christmas.

Just as my daughter keys into the horror I feel at knowing someone is being hurt, and there is nothing, nothing at all, that I can do to stop it.

********************

MWM, is there something, some trauma in your past, that your difficult child is keying in to in the things he chooses to tell you or demand from you? It seems that we are all being pushed, not only into the horror of what is happening to our kids, but into unhealed trauma in our own pasts.

There's that cosmic connection thing, again.

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

Wow, Cedar, thank you, your words are like a healing salve of compassion and understanding and empathy...........so enormously appreciated and valued.............. as we trudge through this war........

Thank you.........

My first thought was that life is so much easier when we can logically determine the white areas, the right areas and the black areas, the wrong areas..............what our difficult child's deliver without preamble is the biggest grey area I can imagine and if that isn't weird enough, a grey area which is so far fetched, so outlandish, so out of our frame of reality, we have no idea how to respond to it. It is so much easier to just say, of course, this is the obvious right way............but of course, here where we live, every day, day in and day out, those obvious lines are gone, replaced by mine fields ......... as you step so gingerly upon the ground, you really could blow up at any time...........

I can't give that power to another human being anymore Cedar. The only way I can walk on those lines and breathe freely is to keep my daughter outside of very, very strict boundaries, boundaries which get stronger every day. At this point in time, the only contact I have with her is in FB messages and even that has dwindled considerably. Without my responding to requests for money and without my responding with a wounded heart, she has no more power and therefore she is disappearing from my life.......... her choice. I think my difficult child can only be in relationship with those she can over-power.........hurt and manipulate..........since I am no longer the victim of that, she has moved on...........

Yes, I believe you make good points about loving a daughter we hoped would show up opposed to the one who did.........I've thought that often myself..............and of course, blamed myself for judging her and not offering unconditional love no matter what. I feel differently now, perhaps the self-blame is gone and it allows me to see more clearly...........but whoever she is, the truth is that she is not extending any care towards myself or her daughter or step daughters............whatever the reason............. to protect myself and my granddaughter, my daughter is becoming a stranger...........if she were anyone else but my daughter, I would have long ago dismissed her from my life. I think that realization is tough to face for me, for us, but it is what it is and each day I get more able to accept that truth.

For some parents here a relationship with their adult difficult child is different then you, MWM and me because our kids are so damaged that their damage does serious harm to us and our families. That is not always the case for these adult kids. Some can be helped. Some can be avoided to some degree, some can have boundaries drawn around them where the rest is acceptable................but that is not the case with my difficult child, or it sounds like with yours Cedar or with MWM. That is quite a bit different then other difficult child's. Our kids have a wiring that is cruel to us, as you stated in your abuse post and MWM shared in her article on parent abuse. We have been abused by our kids in ways that certainly, in my case, are a result of my difficult child knowing without a shadow of a doubt, where my softest underbelly is and she has mastered the script of, as you put it, aiming those arrows perfectly and going in for the kill. That is pretty hard to reconcile about your own child.

Our kids are older too, 35, 39 and 40............when they're 22 or even 30, one still has hope.........but we're way beyond that........

When my difficult child was about 9 years old she made me a breakfast one morning that looked kinda gross but she appeared so thrilled to have made it, I forced myself to eat it and told her it was good. She smiled. Years later she told me she put everything in the kitchen in the breakfast that she thought would be really disgusting ..........and she knew I would eat it to please her. She got some strange pleasure out of that. I was horrified that she did that on purpose, but I didn't allow myself to really "know" what that really said about her. I recently told that story to my SO and the look on his face was so telling, a part of my heart just broke in that moment. I had managed to deny that reality for years, but his response was the truth and I knew it. It hurt to let myself know that. (Another kernel of truth made it through...........)

I believe, very much like with my parents, that my daughter loves me and hates me and she can't reconcile that within her and it is played out to me and has been for most of her life. I had a lot of therapy to get over my parents which as so many therapists told me, the reason it's so hard is because in spite of what they do to you, you love them and getting to a point where you can hold all of that in your heart takes some doing...........it isn't black and white, it is again, that grey area so difficult for us humans to live in. Like uncertainty we want to control it and fit it in a nicely tied up box of understanding, but it just won't fit. One has to have a very strong psyche to include love, hate, cruelty, fear, rage.............and all of it............and not go crazy.

Brene Brown suggested that when there is cruelty you can be assured that shame is involved because someone shamed will be cruel to someone who is vulnerable because it brings up their own shame and to counteract that, they do something critical, hurtful or just plain cruel ............and their shame dissipates. I think about that in regard to my daughter.

We live with that anticipation of a dreadful event occurring which is real, it isn't even a form of PTSD, our kids live in dangerous environments and make dangerous choices out of a mind that doesn't think in rational ways, so that is simply the truth. Anything can happen. And, we know it. There is no way to prepare oneself for that, so we have to learn to live in the moment and allow the preciousness of life to be a part of all of it, even though, our kids lives have little preciousness.

MWM, Cedar..........whoever else travels this path, for whatever reason, this is our life, this is our reality, the fact that we can find joy and peace is an incredible and powerful statement about the human spirit and what we can endure and still find life to be rich and beautiful. The irony for me is that in some measure, all of this trauma has taught me just how precious our moments and our connections are, perhaps even more then other people understand that................on most days I am so very grateful for that.............and as is simply my life, other days are more difficult...........

I am still an idealist, an optimist, a person who believes in the best, in love........ beauty............despite my upbringing and my daughter and life's inevitable dark times.............that is the part of me I hold on to tightly, the part that makes life worth living and brings such joy............the darkness did not take me over as it has most of my family. That is an incredible gift which I am so, so grateful for..........

Many years ago, when my difficult child was still just a little girl, I saw a TV movie which depicted a mother who enabled her seriously violent and damaged child and could never face who her daughter really was. I don't recall much except the ending, where the mother was visiting her daughter in prison where she landed after a serious crime. The mother was crying and still refused to see her daughter for who she was. The last scene was the daughter, smiling in a scary, kind of demonic way and saying, "you never could see who I was mother, this is the real me, this is who I am, look at me." The mother could not. The mother just kept on with the illusion. It was chilling. But the interesting part was that there was a small part of me, even then, when my difficult child was maybe 3 years old at the time, that knew that would be my future...............almost precognitive in a strange way. I never forgot that ending of that movie and have thought about it many times in the last 20 years. Sometimes we just know. But we just can't let ourselves really know until we clear away much of the fog that surrounds the parent/child connection and all our feelings around that.

To look at our child and recognize who they really are is pretty devastating for us, it's no wonder we have such a hard time of it. And, yet, to see them for who they are, the real truth of that, in some ways the horror of that, I think is liberating for us and perhaps for them too. Acceptance is what we all crave, so maybe in the acceptance of even the darkest persona, that persona can be freed too, I don't know. All I can do is allow myself to see this truth and really, it is setting me free..........one truth at a time.......