Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Feb 12, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Do you feel in your heart that a contract would really mean anything to him, or just give him another chance to come home and walk all over you???? I think at this point he needs to suffer the natural consequences for his choices. You have to stop questioning if you have done all you can. Of course you have!! You have done more then you can, and it hasn't helped him a bit. He's looking for you to bail him out again and you have to teach him that you can't do that anymore. He needs to start bailing himself out.
    I know this is easy for me to say because I'm not going through it. Fortunatley, though my difficult child makes many mistakes, he seems to learn from them quickly, and he hasn't gotten to the point that many difficult child's do, but I also feel that if I had kept enabling, he may have. I really feel my difficult child is where he is now because I stopped enabling and stopped giving him options and left it up to him to make the choices for himself.

    I hope you can find the strength to do this for you and difficult child!!
  2. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thanks again all of you.

    He called me to come home. The more questions I asked the more I came to realize that he is just looking for a quick fix.
    His temper rose when I didn't react the way he wanted me to. He went from please I will do anything you say to you threw me out with two bags and no where to go.
    I reminded him that he had 1 and half mths to find a job before court. He said he got the job at mcdonalds before he went (he started the next mon after his ct date the thurs before)to court and that was all that mattered.
    I told him that we allowed him to stay here during that 1 and half mths and he chose to come home once a week to sleep for a day or two and dissappear with his buddies for another week.

    I just kept repeating that it was his choices that got him where he is and he has to make the choice to change, of course that was met with a temper because he wouldn't be calling me if he had somewhere else to go. He didn't say he wanted to change only that he was hungry and couldn't stay where he was.

    The hardest thing I have had to do so far ~ I told him I would give him the # to the shelter so he would have a roof and a meal.

    This is hard, but I know now he is not ready to change.

    I wouldn't have made it this far with out all of you and your insight, I thank each and everyone of you for the time you took today to post your responses, you all deserve a huge [[[hug]]] and a very heartfelt thank you
  3. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    "The hardest thing I have had to do so far ~ I told him I would give him the # to the shelter so he would have a roof and a meal."

    so true. sadly I had to do that with ant. more than once. ant would not take the number of the shelter then (that was about 5 yrs ago when he was 18) he left with a sandwich for a few days. it took ant a bit longer to make up his mind he wanted a better life.

    be strong. keep in mind why you are being is ultimately to help him.
  4. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    Hi Hearthope, I'm sorry...
    I often say things, then wish I'd thought them through more. So you're not alone.

    I'm also probably not the best one to give advice on "standing firm" because I have such a hard time with that myself. But I will pray for you to make the right decision concerning whether or not he can come home.
  5. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    HH--YOu did the right thing. He is not ready. You will feel it in your heart when he is. One day, he will be ready. You need to keep him at a distance until then, or you may not want to help anymore!
  6. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style="color: #660000">hope, what i'm going to say is going to sound harsh & i admit i've never walked in this particular pair of shoes so take it for what it's worth.

    i often think the worst thing that can happen to a difficult child on probation is a PO who *cares*. why? because it interferes with-the natural consequences of the situation. probation give them the chance to make things better. if the PO isn't there following through on consequence because THEY CARE so much about difficult child then they are not doing their job. it does a disservice to the person who the crime was committed against, it does a disservice to the parent trying to get help for their kid (& yes, sometimes jail time is the help they need), but most importantly it does a grave disservice to the difficult child involved. it allows him/her to continue the magical thinking that they are untouchable.....that they will always get over on the system. the sad truth is that eventually it WILL catch up with-them. if this were my kid i'd be talking to the PO & insisting she write the warrant.

    as for a contract.....i have no faith in them as they are rarely followed. he'll sign anything if it means he can return to safe harbor....then ignore it completely. then your life will be h*e*l*l yet again. yes, he wants you to fix things for him. the best thing you can do for him is NOT fix things for him. if he doesn't man up now, whether by choice or circumstances, when will he? that, in my opinion, is the best way you can help him *fix* things.

    i'm not saying any of this is easy. it's a radical shift for you to take a hard line & let him face his consequences. i know that. i really do. i'm sorry he's put you in this position in the first place.

    kris </span>
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I agree with Kris, and I also agree it's not easy.
  8. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    There seems to be things happening that are out of your control. You can't make him work and pay his fines. He has to do that. He understands that. He has to be uncomfortable enough with life to change that.

    Is living in your home going to make a difference? Why would this time be any different?

    Running away only makes matters worse. Hairbrained ideas are just that--hairbrained.

    It's not like you are not offering assistance, but why should you keep offering if there's no DO TO GET?
  9. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    You are doing great, hearthope.

    Recognizing that it is the child who needs to take responsibility for his or her own situation is a really big step for any parent.

    What we finally told our difficult child (at thirty-one!) is that, while we might not be able to stop him, we were not going to stand there and watch him self destruct.

    We told him time and again, that he was raised better than to do what he was doing.

    This is very important, hearthope.

    They like to berate the parents for where their own choices have brought them.

    But if you really look at the situation?

    Your son WAS raised better than to do what he has done.

    Keep telling him that until he believes it.

    Sorry I am on my soapbox again this morning. :whistle: