Helpless

[Terry-overwhelmed]

This was hard to read and you got really good advice. These people are great and wise.

My daughter is 33 and going nowhere fast. On the verge of homelessness. One child. I am not going to give up my golden years to raise my grndchild nor has he been taken away from his parents yet. But even if her father and I felt up to raising Jaden, and we don't, the child will only be around 10 when we are 70. We want him in a stable home, not one where he could suddenly be homeless at any time if we can't care for him. My other daughter would raise him. We are older and NEED this time and maybe we are selfish, but we did everything for Kay, gave her our entire life, and it did no good. We are done. We wont be here forever to buy her out of being homeless.

Please don't resent your two achieving kids. Instead, enjoy them. I have two high achievers who are also done helping Kay. They encourage us daily that we are doing the right thing by detaching from Kay. We lean on them. They are good people who know that helping Kay doesn't help her at all. They suffered as we spent all their youth on their sister. And yet they are good people and still love us. I don't want them to help Kay. What is helping anyway?With Kay helping doesn't help. She just demands more and not nicely. I don't want my nice kids involved.. please don't resent your nice kids for not playing.

Your troubled son is 40 already. He was in jail so he did some crime against society. His ex is an addict. From reading it is hard for me to believe that he doesn't abuse some substance. He had back surgery. Was he given pain killers? Opiads? Does he drink too much? Smoke pot all day? Cough syrup? ADHD medications? All this is often abused. Then they steal to have money to buy it and cant pass drug tests for jobs, if they even want to work. Many don't try to work.

There is a reason why your son is in such a bad way. The most common reason is drugs, including legal drugs. Whatever the reason, your other kids have good lives, kids, jobs, they are not obligated to look after their 40 year old brother. He needs to turn his life around on his own. Or not. Its 100 percent on him, as it is with Kay. We spent most of our time and money on her with no difference.

Please enjoy and love your other kids. They are doing right in my opinion by not "helping"their brother. They should not. We should not in my opinion.

Have you seen a therapist?

If God is in your life, as He is in mine, give your son to God. You have done all you can. i recommend Al Anon highly even if you are not sure about substance abuse. The 12 Steps help anyone dealing with a person who is beloved who won't live life normally and whom we keep trying to help. It is enabling to do anything for them that they can do themselves. It makes them more helpless.

I am so sorry for your pain

 

[Terry-overwhelmed]

Thank you for such good advice. I really appreciate everyones words of wisdom and for taking the time to try to help me through this pain. When my grandkids start school next week I will look into some of these suggestions. I think I will read some books first before seeking a therapist. The funny thing is that I am known as a very strong willed woman but when it comes to my son I am weak. I am sorry you had so much pain in your life also. It is great that you were able to stop the insanity.

 

[Terry-overwhelmed]

This was hard to read and you got really good advice. These people are great and wise.

My daughter is 33 and going nowhere fast. On the verge of homelessness. One child. I am not going to give up my golden years to raise my grndchild nor has he been taken away from his parents yet. But even if her father and I felt up to raising Jaden, and we don't, the child will only be around 10 when we are 70. We want him in a stable home, not one where he could suddenly be homeless at any time if we can't care for him. My other daughter would raise him. We are older and NEED this time and maybe we are selfish, but we did everything for Kay, gave her our entire life, and it did no good. We are done. We wont be here forever to buy her out of being homeless.

Please don't resent your two achieving kids. Instead, enjoy them. I have two high achievers who are also done helping Kay. They encourage us daily that we are doing the right thing by detaching from Kay. We lean on them. They are good people who know that helping Kay doesn't help her at all. They suffered as we spent all their youth on their sister. And yet they are good people and still love us. I don't want them to help Kay. What is helping anyway?With Kay helping doesn't help. She just demands more and not nicely. I don't want my nice kids involved.. please don't resent your nice kids for not playing.

Your troubled son is 40 already. He was in jail so he did some crime against society. His ex is an addict. From reading it is hard for me to believe that he doesn't abuse some substance. He had back surgery. Was he given pain killers? Opiads? Does he drink too much? Smoke pot all day? Cough syrup? ADHD medications? All this is often abused. Then they steal to have money to buy it and cant pass drug tests for jobs, if they even want to work. Many don't try to work.

There is a reason why your son is in such a bad way. The most common reason is drugs, including legal drugs. Whatever the reason, your other kids have good lives, kids, jobs, they are not obligated to look after their 40 year old brother. He needs to turn his life around on his own. Or not. Its 100 percent on him, as it is with Kay. We spent most of our time and money on her with no difference.

Please enjoy and love your other kids. They are doing right in my opinion by not "helping"their brother. They should not. We should not in my opinion.

Have you seen a therapist?

If God is in your life, as He is in mine, give your son to God. You have done all you can. i recommend Al Anon highly even if you are not sure about substance abuse. The 12 Steps help anyone dealing with a person who is beloved who won't live life normally and whom we keep trying to help. It is enabling to do anything for them that they can do themselves. It makes them more helpless.

I am so sorry for your pain

 

[Terry-overwhelmed]

It is possible my son is abusing some type of drugs. Every time I ask he says no. He has crazy hours where he will sleep all day and stay up all night. He can be moody and irritable. Before he was incarcerated he had an issue with opiates. He was so depressed that the children were taken from the home and he was facing jail time that he gave up. He was placed in the shock problem and I really felt he turned his life around when he was released. While he was incarcerated, the mother of his children dumped him for someone else who supplied her with her much needed drugs. While he was incarcerated, I sold his mobile home to pay for his lawyer, cleaned and packed up his belongings and stored them in my home 250 miles away. At the same time, managing the kids. The shock program worked great and he was thinking clearly but three years later he seems like his old self. A few weeks back, I was driving with my son in the passenger seat and the 3 grandkids in the back. We exchanged words and I told him what he needed to do. He did not like what I told him and decided to jump out of the car when we were at a red light. Meanwhile, this was miles away from where we needed to be. The grandkids were upset and blamed me. I didnt care and left him there. I never asked how he got home. These are some of the red flags that there may be a substance issue again. How can he obtain help if he doesn’t admit he has a problem? Plus he has an issue with authority and following the rules. I always am waiting for that phone call that he is in jail, hurt or something even worse. All you ladies make some great points and I am so grateful. Hopefully this will open my eyes to how much I really enabled him. God Bless you all

 

[JayPee]

Newstart...

Thank you for sharing your story. You give me hope. I am just entering the uphill climb. No results yet "except to myself".

 

[BusynMember1]

Do you mean shock treatments? ECT?

If so, and I don't know anyone who had this done, but doesn't the patient need to have treatments again from time to time? I thought I read that, but it's not clear and was long ago.

I'm concerned about the grands. Do you have a back up plan for them if you suddenly get, say, become ill and can not care for them anymore? Will your other kids give them a home? Other relatives?

 

[WiseChoices]

Terri, I also attend AA and got my start in sobriety 28 years ago in NA . I have never seen anyone addicted to opioids quit by themselves successfully long-term. The hallmarks of addiction are irritability, discontentment, and restlessness . Of course, these characteristics also apply to other mental health issues .

And you are very right: unless he admits to having a problem , he cannot get help and nobody can help him. I would strongly suggest that you attend Al-anon meetings to get help for yourself . As the kids get older, you may want to consider Alateen for them. These are meetings for family members of Alcoholics/addicts designed to help the family members who have been affected by someone else's addiction problems.

 

[Beta]

By reading your post it just reminds me that if I don't stay firm I will be doing this until he's 40-50 etc

. Yes. This is what I thought when I read Terry Overwhelmed.

 

[Beta]

Could I wash them for him until he gets paid this week? It was not easy for me but I just told him, sorry I can't help you. He pleaded a little more and I prayed to God for strength and I made it through.

. Wow. That WAS tough, but I admire you so much. All of us here know only too well what emotions you must have been feeling at that moment, and I'm sorry you had to experience that.

 

[BusynMember1]

Jaypee, I can not believe all the progress you have made. Good for you!

 

[JayPee]

Last night at 9:45 pm. Older son, sends me an e-mail.

"After 5 days of no laundry I finally have to call out. Possibly two days in a row to pay day Friday. Between that, no gas and no food you have ruined any chances I'd have. Now I'm at serious risk if I lose my job and don't get enough cash to make a payment on my car. You're a b*%^@*."

I don't reply anymore.

Then at 11:15 pm the Younger son texts me and my stomach does a flip flop at that time of the night. Says he has no gas and it sitting in his car. Wants to know if his Dad has blocked him cuz he's not answering. I've been expecting this because my ex-husband said he was going to stop funding younger son. No matter how much I brace myself, it still hurts. Younger son, has not been verbally abusive to me "lately", however, he's been funded by the Bank of Daddy.

However, I quickly prayed and returned a text and said "I'm sorry, I don't give out money anymore and I unfortunately will have to block you right now. Sorry I can't help." I cannot believe I didn't hear back from him in some other fashion, either showing up at my work or calling my work.

I told my therapist that's how I start out all my conversations now with sons (when I'm speaking with them). "I do not give out money anymore" is my mantra. She suggested I put that on my voicemail as well so when they call and leave messages they'll hear that and as far as anyone else that knows me, well, they'd likely understand.

I am making progress for certain but I will say it is exhausting. I am always bracing, emotionally and physically and then on the weekends I end up taking a nap because I'm so drained.

But by the grace of God go I!

 

[BusynMember1]

Lol! I should put that on my voicemail too lol!

It is hard to say no at first, but it gets easier. The hardest part for us was first Kay's tantrums, mudslinging and terrible abuse as she tried to make us feel like she would die if we didn't pay for this and that. Then she tried actual suicide calls my hussaying andshe freaked ooverdosed on pills and we freaked and called her local 911. She went silent after that. And still is.

It is hard not to hear Jaden's little cute baby voice. But Kay won't let us and right now we can't override her. We do not miss Kay's abuse and demands.

After the roughest patch, things feel almost normal. Amy and her kids are still here to brighten every day and my husband and I have reconnected in a very strong way. We won't go back to those crazy days.

 

[Terry-overwhelmed]

Do you mean shock treatments? ECT?
No, not shock treatments. It’s a military type program given to prisoners instead of jail and reduces their jail time. It is actually a good program. I am sure my adult daughter with no kids would take them if something were to happen to me.
If so, and I don't know anyone who had this done, but doesn't the patient need to have treatments again from time to time? I thought I read that, but it's not clear and was long ago.

I'm concerned about the grands. Do you have a back up plan for them if you suddenly get, say, become ill and can not care for them anymore? Will your other kids give them a home? Other relatives?