Her Reactive Attachment Disorder Will Kill Me

[Despairing Mom]

Adopted daughter's old man boyfriend wrote a note to me on the side of a packing box today. (Yes, a packing box.) He put it inside my car when I went inside a store. He wrote that I was the worst mom, had physically and mentally abused my daughter as a child, was bipolar, and I'd get what was coming to me.

I know AD encouraged him to leave me a threatening message. She must always have chaos. She has a long history of lying about being abused to get sympathy from her teachers, classmates, friends' moms, and boyfriends. I live in fear that someday she's going to tell her fake abuse stories to a mentally unstable man and he'll kill me.

She will eventually be put in prison for her aggressiveness and the result of her fixation on knives, guns, gore, and violence. I fantasize about moving to another state and buying a house using a personal corporation. I'll do this so my address won't be published on the internet and she won't be able to easily find me.

 

[Elsi]

Oh no DM. That’s very unsettling. Was your car unlocked or did he break in?

I hope you are taking security precautions for your own protection. Did you save the note? Do you think you should go to the police with it? This is a threat! I think it should be on record somewhere, and you should be documenting any further instances of harassment.

If you feel unsafe in your home, and moving is an option, maybe it’s not a bad idea, even if it’s a local move. The LLC idea is brilliant - I wish I’d thought of that! I have a stalker (fortunately fairly low grade) and he did find my new address through public records when we bought our house a couple years ago. It’s been 8 years but he stays JUST on the outside of anything that the police will consider threats or harassment.

This is a threat, though, and he got into your car to leave it for you. I think you should file a report and talk to the police about your options. I’m so sorry your daughter is doing this to you. Even without getting threatened, it must be very upsetting to hear her tell those lies about you.

Hugs.

 

[Deni D]

Despairing Mom, oh wow, I echo everything Elsi said.

And add in some extra hugs.

Hopefully the store has security cameras so the police can prove it was him but regardless I’m guessing they will not take that threat lightly if you talk to them.

I have stories made up about me also. Please try not to make that bit spin you around too much. I tend to try to figure out the whys of it to give myself some sense of control but it always comes down to “you can’t make sense out of nonsense”.

 

[Smithmom]

So sorry. At best he could be charged with making threats. But its also worded carefully enough so as not to be an actual death threat. He'll claim he was talking about divine retribution or something. However, sending the cops to his house, creating a police report of the old man and disabled child, could be enough harassment to make him re-think doing it again. And if you create in his mind the idea that you will not be his victim you may dissuade him from doing it again. Sadly I've learned about bullying from both sides with mine. He wants to bully you, the only response is to stand up and fight.

I hear you about wanting to escape. But you do love your child. Its dealing with her chaos that you don't love and need to find a new way to handle. From what you've said before you're putting new limits in place and she's fighting those limits. This is part of that fight. This guy is just an expedience to a roof over her head. He won't last long, any more than anyone has before. No doubt he's also hoping for a gravy train. When she becomes more trouble than she's worth, by police at his door for example, he'll kick her out.

Down the road, if this relationship doesn't run its natural course, be sure to get her on tape saying the same kinds of things about him. Copies of that will be enough leverage, especially given the age gap and disabilities, to keep him away from you.

 

[BusynMember]

Get a restraining order on both. Your daughter orchestrated this and he went along with it and you dont know if its over. Dont guess that it is.

I cant speak for anyone else. If this were me and I could afford to do it Id move and I love the idea of a corporate address. There is no safe relationship you can have with this daughter and apparently she used this boyfriend to act out on you. Depending on how serious I thought she was I would possobly legally change my name even if I didnt use the changed name. Then if you move, your name will be different online..

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is serious. We adopted a foster son who had it and he was the greatest at acting normal and fooling even the psychiatric community and all adults. And he knew how to scare my littles into silence. I have posted this story repeatedly here and am not going to go onto detail now but you can find old posts about him.

He killed two of our animals and we found out he was molesting the littles.

After that we never saw him again. We didnt want to. Adoption dissolved and he went to a kid prisonfor young sexual predators..i hope he got help. He was just 13 when this all went down. We rebuilt our family but never fostwred or added to our family again because of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Luckily our other adopted kids are the best but we got them as infants....our strong marriage and family helped the littles recover. Both are doing well.

I know Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is not a childs fault but it is hard to treat and can cause extremely serious even violent behavior. Sadly common in adopted people especially those adopted older than as an infant.. Drug exposure in utero also changes the brain. That is another risk for abnormal behavior. Our son had it all. It damaged him and we had no interest in risking him with our younger kids or pets again.

Do what you have to do to stay safe. If you cant spend to move then maybe you can get a high level security system that covers your property. Carry pepper spray. My daughter works in Corrections and had to be pepper sprayed herself so that she knows how it feels. Not good. It is a deterrent. God hrlp help me, learn to shoot and legally carry a gun. If she is obsessed with weapons and gore....run. This is so not normal.

I would have written up a police report on him for a trail. If you dont report him you can not prove he has done this. He could do it again. Take down any social media snd block your daughter in every way. She is the one who wants to harm you. The old man is just her means to do so. He could still be very dangerous though. But she is the one pushing him to do this. She probably lied and said you abused her all her life....so he is being her hero. Ugh. Makes me sick.

Do you have any males you can live with? A guard dog? Any cops live near you?

If you loved a man who threatened you would you stay? Your daughter is no different. I dont believe this is just blowing off steam and I am not one who feels we should risk our lives for our loved ones. There are people we love who cant love back. Who will harm us. YouYcant save your daughter. You did all you could.

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is empathy killing but you know that. If you are afraid you have a right to be safe. This is not about the old man. Its her. Her nudging him to do this. He doesnt carr about your life. SHE wants revenge. It is NOT your role to die for her sad illness. Kid or not you dont have to risk harm. Nobody does. Nobody should. This is way beyond her not liking your boundaries. And she does this fake abuse stories to others. Even if this relationship ends, another man will be coaxed to avenge her....it started young. It wont stop.

Please think of only you this time. That was serious and scary in my opinion. You must have loved ones and friends who want you safe and well. You matter.

Your daughter is very dangerous and sick, like my son was. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Sometimes it is unsafe to have anything to do with our beloved kids even though we love them and wish them well. I loved my sister and had to let her go for my well being.

Love light and luck! Major prayers!

 

[Elsi]

I think it's really hard to know from the outside, over the internet, how serious the threat is and whether cutting off all contact is the right and necessary approach or not. DM, know that we will not judge you no matter which path you choose. I would urge you to make your safety and peace a priority and proceed accordingly. Whether that means cutting off contact at this point only you can know.

My experience with getting restraining orders was that it isn't always that easy. Here, at least, you have to have either an immediate and credible threat or a pattern of persistent harassment. I was able to get one against my ex-husband because he actually hurt me. I haven't been able to get one against my stalker because he skates the edge - contact isn't quite consistent enough to establish a pattern, and he hasn't made threats. He creeps me out, but the most the police have done is stop by and politely tell him to knock it off. That bought me about 6 months of peace, anyway.

I would definitely file a report to get this on file, though, because that's how you establish a pattern. Your local police can give you better guidance on what would rise to the level of restraining order in your case. Maybe with the veiled threat it will, but they may say it's not direct enough.

If you feel unsafe, please do take steps to protect yourself. Maybe that means a security system and just staying vigilant. Maybe that means moving and masking your address. Maybe that means keeping your new location secret from your daughter and only meeting her in public, but keeping communication lines open and still trying to help her from a distance. Maybe that means disappearing and cutting off all contact. Only you know what feels right for your situation. If it were me, I would lean towards trying to keep the connection open, while still protecting myself. But I am not in your shoes and I don't know how to evaluate the threat level for you from a distance, and I know I don't know the full picture of all of the ways you have already tried to help her in the past. I know you have already persisted through so much more pain than most parents can imagine. I am so sorry you are in the position of having to fear the child you loved and raised.

Big hugs.

 

[BusynMember]

I want to agree that whatever you do is acceptable to all of us!! We are not you. You do what you can live with. We are all different. But there is nothing wrong with any decision you make. We are here for support and we just give our ideas/experiences.

I do think that if you maintain contact with your daughter you should keep it to crowded restaurants or coffee shops. Sadly you will probably never be able to trust her. But you know more than me if she is safe. I trust you to do what is best.

Be well!

Hugs!!!

 

[Despairing Mom]

This is the fourth time AD has told others how she was severely abused as a child and then I was threatened by the people to whom she lied. Eventually someone is going to physically attack or kill me believing I deserve to be punished. AD has no impulse control and even though I have told her what is eventually going to happen to me because of her lies, she can't or won't moderate her behavior. Her need to be a "victim" to get sympathy supersedes my safety. I have to believe she hopes to manipulate someone into attacking or killing me.

I've been abused and frightened of her for a decade. After going to the SSI office with her on Monday, I'm going no contact. She will end up in prison and then I'll have to be hyper vigilant and paranoid about her convict 'friends" in addition to her. May God have mercy on my family and me.

 

[Elsi]

Oh DM, I'm so sorry. What an awful situation to be in. You have put up with fear and abuse for a very long time while doing your utter best to help her. I understand and support your choice.

Her need to be a "victim" to get sympathy supersedes my safety.

This does seem to be the bottom line, doesn't it? S loves playing the victim, too. Perhaps sympathy is the only kind of attention they understand. There is a deep-seated need there to be the center of drama and to play to victim role. I don't know why.

It sounds like you are still committed to connecting her with services that can help her before stepping away. That is very commendable and brave. Are you planning to tell her you are going no contact after this? And why? Or do you not feel like it would be safe to confront her directly at this point? Are you planning to move?

 

[Despairing Mom]

Oh DM, I'm so sorry. What an awful situation to be in. You have put up with fear and abuse for a very long time while doing your utter best to help her. I understand and support your choice.



This does seem to be the bottom line, doesn't it? S loves playing the victim, too. Perhaps sympathy is the only kind of attention they understand. There is a deep-seated need there to be the center of drama and to play to victim role. I don't know why.

It sounds like you are still committed to connecting her with services that can help her before stepping away. That is very commendable and brave. Are you planning to tell her you are going no contact after this? And why? Or do you not feel like it would be safe to confront her directly at this point? Are you planning to move?

My spouse is still employed, so I can't move from this area at this time. It's, sadly, only a fantasy to escape from her.

I can't tell her that I'm going no contact. That would set her off and there's no telling what she'd do. I'm going to just stop answering my calls and texts. Her brothers have been no contact with her for two years. My husband must gradually learn to disconnect too.

 

[Elsi]

What about a local move to a new neighborhood? Is that a possibility for peace of mind?

 

[Triedntrue]

I agree with the others on here. I am sorry for the pain and stress your daughter has caused you. I hope you are able to reach a point where you feel safe and at peace.

 

[BusynMember]

I am so sorry for you but so glad to know you have loved ones who can help you and love you back.

I would not even consider telling her anything. That WILL set her off. You do not have to interact with anyone who wants to harm you and whom you are afraid of .You may get help from your domestic abuse shelter. This IS domestic abuse.

Can you afford a security system at your house that will alert the police if anyo e tries to get in? Something like Simply Safe? Thats what we have.

Never keep your car doors unlocked.

I was very puzzled and disillusioned at our adoption system after our son left. Why dont the social workers teach every prospective parent about the risk of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)? Especially with older and drug exposed adoptees? Most of us have great hopes and hearts going in and believe love will cure anything.

I wish you safety and support from your many blessings (loved ones).

 

[Despairing Mom]

I am so sorry for you but so glad to know you have loved ones who can help you and love you back.

I would not even consider telling her anything. That WILL set her off. You do not have to interact with anyone who wants to harm you and whom you are afraid of .You may get help from your domestic abuse shelter. This IS domestic abuse.

Can you afford a security system at your house that will alert the police if anyo e tries to get in? Something like Simply Safe? Thats what we have.

Never keep your car doors unlocked.

I was very puzzled and disillusioned at our adoption system after our son left. Why dont the social workers teach every prospective parent about the risk of Reactive Attachment Disorder (Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD))? Especially with older and drug exposed adoptees? Most of us have great hopes and hearts going in and believe love will cure anything.

I wish you safety and support from your many blessings (loved ones).

Two years ago, after one of AD's "antics", I got a concealed carry license, bought a 9mm, and took lessons. I now go to the shooting range twice monthly. I've learned to carry my 9mm inside the front of my pants (appendix carry). It's surreal to post this, but it's an accurate measurement of my fear. I also have a home security system.

Yes, every potential adoptive parent should be forced to complete a course on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS).

 

[BusynMember]

I dont blame you for the gun. You need to be ready to defend yourself. Its too bad you have to do it. I am truly sorry.

I forgot about fetal alcohol syndrome. So many adopted kids are substance exposed. We should be taught how to care for them. There are ways to help, and ways to make things worse. Most professionals have no idea what to do about Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) or damage from substance abuse in utero.

But the goal is to place as many kids as possible and being honest, that love doesnt cure all, that some common adoption issues supercede love, would discourage parents from adopting. Not all parents. Just those looking for a probable Brady Bunch outcome with a drug exposed child with a college degree and no interest in his birthparents.

I understand the need to place kids who are without a family. But in my opinion the focus should be on those who can SUCCEED in a family setting. And those without behavior problems that can destroy a family. Isnt it their job to find a good match?