I found myself here because I made my daughter leave today and am now remorseful

[Fifi_1123]

Hey guys. Wanted to share an update yesterday but lost time and I guess there is a reason why.

All things aside I followed advice from many of those posts put together

Made sure to make my well being prominent and first.

Her well being was great.

I Made plans and sold our home and waited until the first semester of her first college experience was over. I did that. And so I moved very far away.

She was set with a full scholarship and grants. We set her up In the student housing not dorm so she could keep her cat.

I ended up buying her a car. That’s ok by me. It gave her the opportunity to not have to be beholden to the boyfriend who has a car but went out of town and left her there with no way to get anywhere. So I got her an inexpensive used car.

FF to today. All was well except something inside me kept wondering if something was up as she wasn’t calling texting and the she started using one specific credit card in very small amounts mostly but void tell she’s feeding the boyfriend too.

She’s been avoiding me snd I was hoping it was because of her wanting her independence and not having to hear me ask for something which I’ve asked her to get my mail that’s leftover st old place and send. Not like im
Asking for much and it’s close by to where she lives.

Well finally asked her schedule and then I knew something was up.
I called her and kept calling until she answered.

So she failed all classes last semester and her car she forgot even tho she says she knew there was. A problem with the car leaking oil, she forgot to out any oil or check it.

So now she failed four classes and she had full scholarship.


So instead of this hey all that worked update I wanted to say, I have to say that she’s ruones all her chances of a successful academic career and has no options. So she’s stuck at entry level go nowhere jobs without a car to drive. And no bus line. And no college future.

I am in true shock that she didn’t understand it that when I asked how things were she covered so she could spend time with the boyfriend snd go on dates and lied about her grades glossing it over all the whole knowing and choosing to continue to make the wrong choices instead of getting help or changing classes that she could do. I don’t know it’s just a sorry state of affairs to see a young besutiful
Smart (depends on who you’re asking right now)female throw away her opportunity at making a life for herself. Now she won’t be able to get into programs in a College even if a college accepts her of which they won’t for approx three to five years as she failed all four classes.

Just such an absolute waste. For that I’m sorry for her. For me I’m sorry I spent so much time trying to get her where she obviously doesn’t want to be. If I had known I wouldn’t have invested all that time effort or energy into educating her and seeing that’s she got there.

I could have spent the last few years living a life for myself. That sounds selfish but Ive learned a lot about myself over the last almost year since this all began unfolding.

I’ve asked that she pay her own cell phone and car insurance and Ive asked her not to use my credit card anymore and that fixing her car is her responsibility now. Ive also cut off all subscriptions that I was paying for over the last several years. As shes no longer in school so she now has to pay her own way as an independent adult.
I refuse to coddle her anymore and make life easier in any way.

I went through so much as a child snd I have seen that this is what has made me try to do so much to help her have it better.

I mean why wouldn’t someone want to live in a nice home live a nice life have things and a mom who was there for them every step of the way. Have a moment help her get scholarships and grants to attend college full time.

She got her freedom and how did she ever.

I am just sorry for the hard life she has placed herself in. No no money for college and having to work in service industry the rest of her life just to live at poverty level.

I can’t think with her brain so I can’t say how she feels but this is just really hard for me to imagine. And. If we add my feelings into it then it becomes about me and this is not about that at all. This is not about me. But about sharing my hurt with y’all and maybe get some good feedback.


Yes I did move far away. All the way to Hawaii. From the east coast. Working with sexually trafficked young women. Hoping to make an impact.


I now have worries. Will this failure break her?

I don’t know that answer. And I cannot let that consume My thoughts. If she is that fragile that telling her mom she failed in college and ruined her vehicle due to negligence then I did a sorry job of helping her to cope with adverse life events.

I own the fact that I did a damn fine job of being a mom. Albeit in the end I wasn’t happy with myself but we get in Patterns of behavior which are not healthy for any of us in strained relationships and difficult children and I know that the ones closest to us is the hardest ones to see.


This child was always the difficult one. Colic, anger at a very young age/toddler, misunderstandings anxiety etc. very quiet. Not a loud kid. Just not very bright it seems.
I am not going to let this consime me with worry an md angst. I had gotten to a very good level of happiness here where I am.

Prayers please for her. Prayers more for her of course but say some for me too. Ive cried all day. Im so sad.

 

[Fifi_1123]

Hey guys. Wanted to share an update yesterday but lost time and I guess there is a reason why.

All things aside I followed advice from many of those posts put together

Made sure to make my well being prominent and first.

Her well being was great.

I Made plans and sold our home and waited until the first semester of her first college experience was over. I did that. And so I moved very far away.

She was set with a full scholarship and grants. We set her up In the student housing not dorm so she could keep her cat.

I ended up buying her a car. That’s ok by me. It gave her the opportunity to not have to be beholden to the boyfriend who has a car but went out of town and left her there with no way to get anywhere. So I got her an inexpensive used car.

FF to today. All was well except something inside me kept wondering if something was up as she wasn’t calling texting and the she started using one specific credit card in very small amounts mostly but void tell she’s feeding the boyfriend too.

She’s been avoiding me and I was hoping it was because of her wanting her independence and not having to hear me ask for something which I’ve asked her to get my mail that’s leftover at old place and send. Not like im
Asking for much and it’s close by to where she lives.

Well finally asked her schedule and then I knew something was up.
I called her and kept calling until she answered.

So she failed all classes last semester and her car she forgot even tho she says she knew there was. A problem with the car leaking oil, she forgot to put any oil or check it.

So now she failed four classes and she had full scholarship.


So instead of this hey all that worked update I wanted to say, I have to say that she’s ruined all her chances of a successful academic career and has no options. So she’s stuck at entry level go nowhere jobs without a car to drive. And no bus line. And no college future.

I am in true shock that she didn’t understand it that when I asked how things were she covered so she could spend time with the boyfriend snd go on dates and lied about her grades glossing it over all the whole knowing and choosing to continue to make the wrong choices instead of getting help or changing classes that she could do. I don’t know it’s just a sorry state of affairs to see a young besutiful
Smart (depends on who you’re asking right now)female throw away her opportunity at making a life for herself. Now she won’t be able to get into programs in a few College even if a college accepts her of which they won’t for approx three to five years as she failed all four classes.

Just such an absolute waste. For that I’m sorry for her. For me I’m sorry I spent so much time trying to get her where she obviously doesn’t want to be. If I had known I wouldn’t have invested all that time effort or energy into educating her and seeing that’s she got there.

I could have spent the last few years living a life for myself. That sounds selfish but Ive learned a lot about myself over the last almost year since this all began unfolding.

I’ve asked that she pay her own cell phone and car insurance and Ive asked her not to use my credit card anymore and that fixing her car is her responsibility now. Ive also cut off all subscriptions that I was paying for over the last several years. As shes no longer in school so she now has to pay her own way as an independent adult.
I refuse to coddle her anymore and make life easier in any way.

I went through so much as a child snd I have seen that this is what has made me try to do so much to help her have it better.

I mean why wouldn’t someone want to live in a nice home live a nice life have things and a mom who was there for them every step of the way. Have a moment help her get scholarships and grants to attend college full time.

She got her freedom and how did she ever.

I am just sorry for the hard life she has placed herself in. No no money for college and having to work in service industry the rest of her life just to live at poverty level.

I can’t think with her brain so I can’t say how she feels but this is just really hard for me to imagine. And. If we add my feelings into it then it becomes about me and this is not about that at all. This is not about me. But about sharing my hurt with y’all and maybe get some good feedback.


Yes I did move far away. All the way to Hawaii. From the east coast. Working with sexually trafficked young women. Hoping to make an impact.


I now have worries. Will this failure break her?

I don’t know that answer. And I cannot let that consume My thoughts. If she is that fragile that telling her mom she failed in college and ruined her vehicle due to negligence then I did a sorry job of helping her to cope with adverse life events.

I own the fact that I did a damn fine job of being a mom. Albeit in the end I wasn’t happy with myself but we get in Patterns of behavior which are not healthy for any of us in strained relationships and difficult children and I know that the ones closest to us is the hardest ones to see.


This child was always the difficult one. Colic, anger at a very young age/toddler, misunderstandings anxiety etc. very quiet. Not a loud kid. Just not very bright it seems.
I am not going to let this consime me with worry an md angst. I had gotten to a very good level of happiness here where I am.

Prayers please for her. Prayers more for her of course but say some for me too. Ive cried all day. Im so sad.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Fifi

I am so sorry for your hurt and disappointment. I have only a few minutes but wanted to tell you this. Please don't write the end of the story. I flunked out my first semester of college. I went to work at low end jobs for a few years, taking a couple of classes at a community college along the way. Then I got motivated and went to one of the best colleges in the country where I graduated, supporting myself as a waitress. I never got help from family. I worked in a low-level professional job for a number of years and eventually went back to graduate school to another fine, fine university and got a doctorate, and had a great professional life. On my own.

Your daughter can and will do it on her own. You did all of the right things. Maybe you trusted her too much, or another way to put it, maybe you gave her respect and a chance. She blew it. For now. You owe no more. I agree with you on that.

For you, don't look back. It sounds like you're flying high in your life. It's very hard for those of us who had difficult early lives, when our kids don't flourish, but we get through it.

I am happy for you for your new life and the huge gains you've made. Your daughter's life is her responsibility.

 

[Fifi_1123]

Cops
Many thanks again.

I too did things the wrong way and made wrong choices and doozy choices they were

No guidance some adhd undiagnosed and some childhood traumas that were swept under the rug when reported. This all combined to make a horrible cocktail of reactive behaviors. It took me marrying losing a husband and then choosing the wrong mate again in a husband and statibg much longer than necessary.

I did finally attend schools and became a professional with a diploma then a one with a bachelors then my masters. So she did see me strive and achieve. She also saw her brother so the same. He s not a good student and struggles. Instead of asking for help she hid it. And that’s is on her. I wa s there and I was involved but couldn’t see grades and was not allowed right?? But again this is on her.

My post is acknowledging this. My heart is broken for her as I do know first hand how absolutely hard of a life she will now have to have. I don’t believe she will ever go to academia again. But again it’s all her.
It’s just such a waste of opportunity in someone who had it all set up and willfully ruined her chances of making it better for herself and achieving her dreams and goals.

That’s all. I did contact her dad and he did accuse me moving as the reason for my daughters problems. So there’s no change there.

I am praying she continues to see that the boyfriend who is still in the picture who failed it of college himself three years ago and is working two menial jobs just to pay rent in a lousy apartment. I asked her today to
ctually look around at her peer group and see where any are actually succeeding in life and what if any of them are actually going somewhere and what they are doing to
Do this. I said if no one is going anywhere one can summarize that misery loves company and while you might be friends none are helping or supportive of your success. And for her to realize this friend group might be a big part of her bad choices. They are all Potheads that are going nowhere and have all dropped out.

Again all choices lead back to her making good bad or ugly choices. Im sorry for her hard life now.

I will enjoy what time I have here in the pacific and will Make the most of it. And I will
Continue to do good things for others in my life.

I won’t let her be hungry but I have made all things I paid for now be turned over for her to be responsible to pay. If she’s not In School succeeding then she has to be on her own totally. I feel this is the only way for her to understand what life is and how to navigate it.
She will have 5 months in student housing until she has to leave there and her lease is up so it will be up to her to keep it up.

She actually failed all
Classes. Then went to school Jan 10 like all
Was fine and had not ever been to a counselor or checked with financial aid for anything related to failing all
Classes so she said she was shocked to find out she owed 13k for tuition to be able to continue to go to school there.

For the Life of me I do not understand this. I was there I was
Asking. Have you gone to finnaid what’s your package look like. Have you met with any counselors. Do you owe anything?? I know you’re made low grades (I didn’t know until today she failed them all-but what do you expect when her boyfriend buys her all the weed she wants??).
So again she totally messed up her entire future and now is going to have a tough road.

I don’t know how old you are but it’s not the same world it was financially for anyone like it was even ten years ago. She’s bought herself a life of poverty snd she will be the only one to scratch out of it. That’s the shame. For her. Not me. I have accepted that I did good. I was a good mom to her. I was there. It’s what she chose or didn’t chooose to accept from me. And that will be her own cross to bear when she ever figures it out.

Yes I worry she will
Commit suicide over this failure. I think she doesn’t have the strength to accept her faults.

But again she’s not said that so I won’t bring it up anymore. I just said today that if she is feeling at the end of her rope to reach it and never hesitate no matter the time.

Again you are a jewel here and yours snd everyone’s input is so needed. Keep it up!!

 

[BusynMember1]

All I can say is I wanted for Kay what you wanted for your daughter. My idea of her life was formed before I adopted her. It was really MY dreams though. Not hers.

There are plenty f non college grads with good jobs at least in the U.S. I don't know where you live.

Your expectations for your daughter, like mine were for Kay, were not want Kay wanted. They were what I wanted for her and college was a big one. wish I had been able to steer her in a direction more to her liking, but i didnt. Her college tuition was paid up long before she was old enough for college. But she never went. She had never been a good student but she had other talents. Too late now.

I would take it easy and on yourself now, as we parents have no choice. Maybe just accept what she wants with respect. I think Kay knew I didn't like her path so she rebelled totally. In our case, she deteriorated. Hopefully your daughter will find her own special path that makes her happy


Kay taught Mr more about relationships than anything else in life. Painful for me but profound. I find myself accepting people as they are, unless they are unkind.

Love and hugs.

 

[Nandina]

Hi Fifi,

I’m sorry your daughter has not followed the path you would have liked for her and in fact, has made quite a mess of things. How old is she? I saw a post of yours from 2017 and she was 18 so what is she now, maybe 22, 23?

I will start by saying something that I strongly believe. College is not for everybody.

It requires a lot of discipline, organization and time management, in addition to learning to live on one’s own and having complete freedom from mom and dad’s rules, being exposed to alcohol and possibly drugs and on and on. It takes a level of maturity that not all 18-20-ish young people have (yet).

I speak from experience with a child and also as a college graduate myself. The experience involves my son, not the difficult one. When the time for college rolled around, I feared that he wasn’t mature enough. He had been a great child to raise, never in any kind of trouble, played football and wrestled during high school, made decent grades when he worked at it. However, I always thought he was probably undiagnosed attention deficit, a little immature, but he managed through high school with a lot of prompting to do homework, hand things in, etc.

I wanted him to commute to a local community college and transfer later to a larger one, but he insisted on having the total college experience and living on campus. So we agreed. Against my better judgment.

We thought everything was going well from where we stood. But what do you really know when they are living hours away on their own? Long story short, by the second year he started failing classes, got put on academic probation, lost his scholarship, and unbeknownst to us got arrested (and apparently released) for underage drinking—without even telling us—and tried to navigate the court system by himself. I came home one night to my husband telling me to sit down for what he had to say. There was an arrest warrant out for our son! I almost fainted. He had apparently missed a court date or didn’t complete his court ordered community service. This was our very first indication that anything was wrong, other than he was doing poorly in a difficult class. Whew! What a wakeup call.

We stepped in as parents do and got him out of that mess, but eventually made him pay us back the charges for the attorney. He had to leave school because his grades were so poor. We told him we weren’t going to waste any more money on college if he wasn’t going to take it seriously. He moved back home depressed and sullen. We insisted that he get a job if he wasn’t attending school. Believe me, it wasn’t a pleasant time and he behaved in ways that I never thought I’d see in this child. I realize now he was depressed and angry at himself.

There were a couple years there that I would just like to forget. But by his mid-twenties my son eventually matured, had started an entry level job making pizzas and ended up managing a store in just a couple of years. He decided he didn’t like food service and got into an auto service company as a beginning tech person. In a couple of short years he had worked his way up to being a general manager and now at age 31 is considered one of the top managers in his region. He often gets sent into stores as kind of a trouble shooter, training new employees and helping struggling stores get back on their feet. He makes a good salary and loves management. And he’s good at it.

My son—The boy who couldn’t remember to turn in his homework!

I don’t believe she will ever go to academia again

That’s ok. She may end up surprising you once she finds her path.

It’s just such a waste of opportunity in someone who had it all set up and willfully ruined her chances of making it better for herself and achieving her dreams and goals.

Are they her dreams and goals? Or yours?

So again she totally messed up her entire future and now is going to have a tough road.

She’s bought herself a life of poverty snd she will be the only one to scratch out of it. That’s the shame.

I’ll repeat what others have said here. Please don’t write the end of her story. She is in her twenties I think? She still has time to figure it out. Some young people take longer than others and stumble a little more along the way.

Although times have changed in the job market compared to when we were kids, the current job market is very favorable to those who are willing to work. Wages are higher than ever even in entry level jobs.

It sounds like you are a loving and concerned parent who has tried to do all the right things to help your child be successful. Now you might have to step back and watch her struggle a little. It’s hard. It hurts. But it’s her struggle, not yours. And she can get through it.

Sending hugs. Keep us posted.

 

[Nandina]

Fifi, I checked again and it looks like I had your daughter’s age wrong. She’s 18? I sure didn’t know what I wanted to do when I was that age.

I think a lot of kids that young go to college not necessarily because they want to, but because that’s what mom and dad expect of them. For some kids it works out, other kids struggle. I had one of each and then my difficult child who wanted nothing at all to do with college. Fine with me. We won’t waste our money on him. But we do insist that he at least be gainfully employed until he (hopefully) figures it out. He is a work in progress and at 21 still has many challenges ahead and has taken many wrong turns in life—much more than your daughter or my other two. But I remain hopeful.

Your daughter is so young. There is still plenty of time for her. Best wishes to you.

 

[Copabanana]

some childhood traumas

Me too. I think this is why these setbacks affect us so.

I do know first hand how absolutely hard of a life she will now have to have. I don’t believe she will ever go to academia again.

How do you know what her story will be? These are your fears and doubts. Please let her be responsible for her story. I think you have everything right, except for that piece. But I understand the pain and fear of it.

Yes I worry she will
Commit suicide over this failure.

Where does this fear come from? What feeds your sense that she is so fragile? Does she have a history of self-harm? Did somebody else in your family commit suicide or somebody that you loved?

This failure is just one second out of a whole life. I NEVER think about how I flunked out of school unless some other person's story reminds me. First it is a million years back. But more importantly, I learned so very much from this experience. I learned to be motivated for one, and learned to fight for what I wanted. Nobody close to me in my life would have guessed I would have such success as I have had.

I believe that failing helped me achieve. More than this I came to see that there are always comeback stories, second chances and third ones. In fact there are chances until we die. I believe the most fulfilling things come very late in life, when we learn what is really worth having, what has real value in this life. For example, the women here on this forum have so much wisdom, fight and love. They learned this from suffering.