Dear Mimi I am so sorry for your heartache. You have been on a long journey with all of the pitfalls of a beloved off the rails with addiction, recovery and relapse.
How tangled up with this we can get, so much so that when we step back and even think of setting boundaries, it feels like
abandonment, or as you wrote,
being mean. This is how the addicted part of our loved ones want us to feel, as if the consequences of
their choices are our own. We go down that rabbit hole of frustration and anxiety, wringing our hands in desperation trying to save them from themselves, from one dramatic episode to the next.
Addiction drives their bus, and it begins to drive ours.
Before we know it, we are so wrapped up with what the kids are doing, we begin to
abandon ourselves, our peace of mind and joy go by the wayside and our focus is intent on rescuing and saving someone who does not want to save themselves.
That is a horrible place to be.
Then addiction wins.
It has entrapped the family.
That is how I have come to view this.
It is like a
double drowning.
Enmired in the sadness and grief of our adult kids reality, our hearts aching, we begin to reap the desolation of their life choices and the seeds they have sown,
more than they do.
It is a vicious cycle.
Addiction has got us too, hook, line and sinker. Like an addict using drugs or alcohol, we do not even see this happening to us. Instead of being desperate for the next high, we are desperate to rescue, desperate for relief, desperate for the insanity of it all to just stop, and feeling like we are the ones
who have to fix it, to stop it. Before we know it, we have lost control over ourselves trying to control something we have absolutely no power over.
The despair and feeling responsible begins to
feel like love. That we cannot possibly live well, while our beloveds are “suffering”, that we must drop everything to fix the mess they get themselves in, use our resources, time, energy and funds.
That, to me, is addiction winning.
The alternative, allowing our loved ones to face the consequences of their actions
feels foreign, when really
that is exactly what we humans need to learn to make better choices.
I had to figure this out the hard way as I dropped so many things to go running to fix the latest dramatic outcome for one or both of my two, only to realize I had fallen into the trap and it was
just another Tuesday for them.
Over and again this happened.
They so easily took off the cloak of their circumstances and had me wear it. That was my choice, to take that cloak upon my own shoulders,
because it felt like love.
They were out partying again, and there I was, a wreck, all caught up in their “despair”.
Blinking with disbelief like a deer in the headlights.
Empty and shaken.
I realized after going down that road countless times that wearing that cloak did nothing for them and was going to be my ruin.
So, I took the cloak off and I stepped back.
So they could step up.
I am still waiting and praying and hoping for them to see their light and potential.
I just know that I am not the one to rescue, or fix them. I am too emotionally attached, and am easily fooled into thinking they want to be helped into living a better life.
In reality, they wanted my time and my resources
so they could continue as is.
Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
They have to want to live better, to do better.
Make better choices.
If that is what I want for them, then that is what I need to do for myself.
Make better choices.
You too.
Self care, is what we wish for our beloveds.
That is the cloak we need to wear as an example for them, to what they are capable of.
The cloak of self care.
I had to turn it into a
shield.
Like the one on Star Trek around the Enterprise.
Gulp.
I began to see that if it feels selfish to do this, to make a better choice for myself,
ourselves, to switch focus from the drama and chaos addiction brings, to make boundaries to protect our hearts, to take care of
ourselves...... if that feels selfish and too difficult, that is an indicator that we need help to find our way out of the darkness.
I know how much this all hurts Mimi. It is a grieving like no other. Honor your feelings and get it out. Seek therapy if you need to. Read all you can about detachment. You know detachment was a hard word for me to swallow. I thought “I will always be attached in some way to my own child.”
I use the word
disentanglement. It helped me to step back and see how terribly wrapped up my life and my daily emotions became, with their choices. That imagery helped me to slowly untangle my emotions that were intertwining with their addiction, to separate myself from the insanity of it.
Yet after all we have done for him and endured I feel awful being mean to him and
Can’t accept this is our life.
You are not being mean by setting healthy boundaries. To make the choice to not get all caught up emotionally in the consequences that unfold with your sons choices?
That is not mean.
That is showing him there are limits to your involvement with
his consequences.
I know how this feels, I had to do the same with my two. Set healthy boundaries, pull up and out of that swirly whirly of drama and chaos.
Resist that awful nagging urge to go into full rescue mode.......the learned insistence that I just had to do
something,
anything to save them and if I couldn’t, I had to
feel it.
Depression, despair, anxiety.
It was killing me inside.
It felt really strange at first, to pull up and out of the entanglement, like I was
not caring.
There is nothing further from the truth.
I love them with all my heart.
Enough to say enough.
Enough to want to be out of the crazy fracus, waiting on the other side, if and when they decide to make better choices.
They grew up and chose.
This is their life.
This is them, addicted and using drugs.
This is not me, my doing,
my life.
Not my choice.
My monkeys, but so
not my circus.
We did not cause this, cannot cure this and can’t control it.
Mimi, sacrificing yourself and your life, your heart, your peace of mind and your sanity will not stop your son from choosing as he does.
This is his life and his choices.
This is not
your life.
Yes, you are living with the reality of your sons addiction, but it is not
your life.
Addiction is a clever beast. It has a way of worming itself into our lives until we are so caught up that we can’t see straight, can’t think straight.
In this, we have our own battle to fight. That is to be constant and determined to not let the addiction and drug use and consequences our beloveds reap....... take over our own lives and lead us to despair.
We cannot make good choices from desperation.
It makes no sense for us to let addiction infect us too.
It takes work to pull up and out of the mess of this.
I believe
that is love.
Love says “NO, I will not go down the rabbit hole with you.”
Love says, “I will strengthen myself as a testimony to what
you can achieve.”
Love says, to
our selves,
self care says,
self love says “Wait a minute, take a deep breath, say a prayer. Meditate. STOP.
Stop going into the swirly whirly rescue mode. Stop taking on the consequences of their choices.
Stand firm.
Stay steady.”
It doesn’t happen overnight.
It takes effort and work and belief that
you matter.
You do.
Take small steps to lift yourself up.
Read all you can. Post here and reap the wisdom of those who have traveled this path.
You are not alone.
So not alone.
I understand the heart ache and gut wrenching sadness of this.
It is a terrible waste of life for our beloveds.
But, the end of the story is not yet written. As long as there is life, there is hope for better days, better choices.
Our adult children are on their journeys to figure out what their lives will be.
We are on our own paths as well.
I do believe that as their first mentors, it is our job to lead by example, to try our hardest to live the best rest of our lives. That is what we wish so very much for them, to take life and all of its challenges on and find their true potential, so, it must be for us. That is our greatest challenge, to live well no matter what our adult d cs are doing.
You have come to a good place to sort through your feelings, to build yourself up.
You are so worth the effort to do this.
You matter, your life matters.
One small step at a time, you can stand up to your sons addiction and look it in the face and say with determination that you will not allow it to take over your life.
I truly believe that is key to our beloveds being able to do the same.
Please forgive the length of my post. I am writing to myself, as much as I am writing to you. It is a daily effort to stay the course for me. Life is short, and I do not want to live the rest of mine despairing over what my adult children choose.
I want peace of mind, and joy. I wish that for you, too and
all of us here.
We want our adult addicted children to choose health, to love and care for themselves.
That should be our choice as well.
((( Hugs)))
Leafy
