He's coming home! And I'm both ecstatic and apprehensive

[LauraH]

wanted to tell you all that my son will be coming back to Florida this week. What he does once he gets here is beyond my control, but my husband and I attached some strings to our buying him a plane ticket. He had to agree to getting on the waiting list for rehab, participate in an intervention (if it's feasible and necessary) and to start the process of applying for SSI. Obviously there's nothing we can do if he renegs, but he's also been told that if he doesn't keep his end of the bargain he's received the last support from us he will ever get. So we'll see.

I do feel that he has a better chance of recovery here, although he has friends and knows where to get stuff or can easily find out. But he'll be away from his toxic partner and that's a big plus. And although he can't stay with us it's a comfort to me that I will be able to get to him quickly and easily if something bad happened.

I'm very excited about him coming home but I'm also very apprehensive. Please send prayers and good thoughts that this is finally the real beginning of his recovery process.

 

[Elsi]

Laura, I’m glad he’s coming home. Sending big hugs and positive thoughts. I hope this is the start of a positive new chapter for him!

 

[Despairing Mom]

I'm praying for your family's reunion and your son's recovery.

 

[BusynMember]

I remember your despair. I so hope this is the beginning of your sons recovery. Sending many prayers.

 

[Tanya M]

Sending good thoughts and prayers that this will be a new positive beginning.

 

[Triedntrue]

Best of luck and continued prayers.

 

[LauraH]

Today's the day! He'll probably stay here with me tonight because it will probably be too late by the time we get back from Orlando from him to go to his friend's. Plus we have a lot of catching up to do. But knowing what I know now I won't be leaving my purse and other valuables lying around. No sense throwing temptation in his path.

 

[Tired out]

Laura, I am hoping to hear positive things about your son.
Good luck.
Hugs, prayers and positive thoughts sent your way.

 

[LauraH]

Remind me again why I agreed to help him get back to Florida? Despite our misgivings we are letting him stay with us for a couple of days until he can get to a friend's house. Two days in and my living room is a shambles because he doesn't understand the concept of picking up after himself. (I've given occasional gentle reminders and let some things slide for the sake of peace and my husband's aversion to stress and drama). Two days in and he's criticizing and correcting everything I say and/or how I say it. Accuses me of trying to start rights (I'm not, that's the last thing I want). I'm trying as hard as I can to not react/overreact because this is a stressful time for him and he's going through withdrawals, and was off his medications for a few days up until last night. But today I overheard him on the phone inviting someone over, without bothering to ask if it was OK. When I asked him, calmly and civilly, who he had invited over he snapped at me "You already told me Danielle could come over, what's your problem?" (Because I should have known he was on the phone with Danielle, right?) I then tried to explain to him how his answer came off sounding and he blew up and not once but twice called me a crazy old lady very loudly and very angrily. The second time I told him he needed to leave and he sat back, folded his arms, and said "Nope."

I'm just glad my husband wasn't home, or all hell would have broken lose and it would not have ended well. I will be walking on eggshells tonight and tomorrow, when he is supposed to be going to his friend's. And if that doesn't work out for him, I guess he will be homeless, because this is the last night he will stay in my home under any circumstances or for any reason. Obviously nothing has changed, and it's apparent to me that nothing ever will. I'm done. (And the only reason I'm walking on eggshells is for my husband's sake. I'm not going to risk my marriage for my overgrown bratty toddler of a son.) He even had the gall to ask me to fix him a glass of Coke because he was tired and didn't feel like getting up. I told him my left hip and right knee were hurting and I didn't feel like getting up either. Then to keep drama from erupting my husband, who had just gotten home from work and was trying to relax with a beer, got up and fixed the Coke for him. How does anyone get to the point of feeling so entitled that a 30-year-old in good physical condition would even think to ask someone twice their age and in not so great physical shape to do that for them?????

And on top of everything, he's talking about getting a job and saving up for a month or two so he can get back to Chicago. WTF??? That kind of defeats the purpose of me helping him get OUT of Chicago. I already told him...if he turns around and goes back he needn't expect any money or even small favors from me ever again. I AM DONE.

But at least I tried.

 

[LauraH]

The last time my son lived with me nearly put me in a mental hospital and very nearly ended my relationship with my husband (we were still dating) and it got even worse when he invited his then-partner to live with us. For months, that seemed like an eternity, it was continual drama, chaos fighting and no apparent way to make them leave. Because i rent my apartment I didn't have the authority to evict him, and my landlord said if he evicted my son and the partner he would have to evict me along with them. (I don't know if that's law or just the rental agency's policy) We're under different management now so who knows. The police couldn't/wouldn't make him leave because his ID had my address on it and he got mail here. Finally I basically bribed them with $500 to leave.

I have this fear that he will pull a similar stunt (he's had a couple of pieces of mail sent here and I'm wondering now if he was setting it up to move in permanently). I do not see this ending well. Either he will be homeless (and right now I really don't care if he is) or he will plant his toes in the sand and refuse to leave period. If I get evicted form the apartment I've lived in since 2007 and/or lose my husband I don't know what I will do. I'm praying it won't come to this but I have a feeling it might, at which point I will completely disown my son lock stock and barrel.

 

[Tired out]

Laura, I would take the mail to the post office and tell them this came to my address and that person doesn't live at my house ..DO NOT give it to him. You don't want him to have a delivered piece of mail with your address on it. other alternative is to cross out his name and address and mark it return to sender and drop it in a mailbox. You don't want him using your address. It totally sounds like he is setting you up.

 

[Copabanana]

Laura. Hi. I am very sorry it has come to this. I think the only good option for you is to get him on his way.

If there is no respect, what is there?

You can't be on eggshells in your own home. And your husband did not sign up for this. I agree with you.

I am not an attorney and I do not live in your state. But your son just arrived. He is an overnight guest. I do not see how he has any rights. If he continues surly and disrespectful and does not clean up...I know I would feel enraged and put upon, too.

I might think about getting a deadbolt or key set for the door which is programmable. All you need to do is change a code to lock somebody out. In your case you may have to speak to the landlord about making the change, but how could they stop you?

How could an overnight guest have tenant rights, in any state? I mean that is like the guy who comes to fix the dryer deciding he is a tenant and refusing to leave. Ridiculous. He can't just refuse to leave. Forget about it.

From an outsider's perspective, there is no negotiating with him. He has made his plan clear to return to Chicago. You did not sign up to be a pitstop. What about his commitments to you?

But even more, it is his attitude. You deserve better. Insist upon it.

Anyhow. I am heartbroken about my own situation. Thank you for allowing me respite on your thread.

Take care.

 

[LauraH]

Laura. Hi. I am very sorry it has come to this. I think the only good option for you is to get him on his way.

If there is no respect, what is there?

You can't be on eggshells in your own home. And your husband did not sign up for this. I agree with you.

I am not an attorney and I do not live in your state. But your son just arrived. He is an overnight guest. I do not see how he has any rights. If he continues surly and disrespectful and does not clean up...I know I would feel enraged and put upon, too.

I might think about getting a deadbolt or key set for the door which is programmable. All you need to do is change a code to lock somebody out. In your case you may have to speak to the landlord about making the change, but how could they stop you?

How could an overnight guest have tenant rights, in any state? I mean that is like the guy who comes to fix the dryer deciding he is a tenant and refusing to leave. Ridiculous. He can't just refuse to leave. Forget about it.

From an outsider's perspective, there is no negotiating with him. He has made his plan clear to return to Chicago. You did not sign up to be a pitstop. What about his commitments to you?

But even more, it is his attitude. You deserve better. Insist upon it.

Anyhow. I am heartbroken about my own situation. Thank you for allowing me respite on your thread.

Take care.

Believe it or not, there was a case I read about a few years ago where a homeowner in Florida was overseas for an extended business trip. While he was gone a homeless guy broke into his home and started living there. When the owner returned and found the squatter, he called the police. And get this...the police said that since the squatter had established residency in the house the owner had to give him a 30 day eviction notice. You would think the squatter would go to jail for breaking and entering but nope. And when I was in the previous situation with my son, a police officer told me basically that if I couldn't evict him the only thing I could do to get him out of my home was to move. WTH? I don't know Florida laws inside and out but that just sounds totally screwed up. At any rate, when my husband got home from work we asked him point blank what his plans were. He stated again that he would be staying with a friend. Tonight he's staying with us because I took him out for a welcome home celebration. But as far as I know he will be staying with his friend starting tomorrow. If not we'll see what the next step is. Taking this one day at a time.

 

[Triedntrue]

I agree with tired out with our kids you have to cover your bases. I am sorry things turned out this way, lessons learned. I would stick to your guns about him being out tomorrow. My son may be homeless soon as well as he is behind on his rent and I will not pay it. He is working but does not know how to manage his money and spends it as soon as he gets it without thinking ahead. He can not come here.

 

[Elsi]

Laura I’m so sorry. I hope he is out by this evening with no further drama. It is so crushing when we think we are finally making progress with them only to have our hopes and expectations dashed again. I agree with others here - return the mail, get him out ASAP, and do not let him establish any form of residency. The laws there sound really screwed up on this front! The squatter story is insane.

Don’t let him destroy your life and your marriage. You do not have to sacrifice everything for someone who will not help themselves and does not think of your rights or needs at all. Take care of yourself, and let him find his own way.

 

[LauraH]

Well things have calmed down significantly but he's still here. Said the friend he was supposed to be staying with tonight ended up going out of town and so now he won't be able to go there until tomorrow. He gave "his word." Which isn't worth a whole lot right now. My husband said he could stay one more night but explained again how the property owner's rule is that if anyone visits for more than 4 nights in a month the rent goes up $100 to cover the additional water and gas use.

So that first paragraph was from last night and I had to stop in the middle because my son walked in and I didn't want him to see any of this. Anyway, he just left with his friend. After one story Thursday about how he couldn't go over there and then another yesterday, I was seriously thinking he was leading me and my husband on with the intention of staying here. Knowing that's not the case now goes a little way in restoring my faith in him. He was a habitual liar and con artist as a child and teenager and I still see some of that now, although it seems not so much for my benefit. I hope he will mature out of that but who knows. But at least now I know he wasn't just pulling a con on us and that.

And I need to learn to pick my battles. I already learned that over the years with him but rather than letting "small stuff" go altogether I just suck it up and filter what I say so as not to trigger him. But like any vacuum, a filter will only hold so much. I usually filter before I speak or react anyway, because as much as I love my husband he has little quirks that drive me nuts, for instance, he never closes drawers or cabinet doors after himself. In the big picture, who cares? But it's a pet peeve. So I close the drawer and grumble silently to myself and try not to let it bother me. This is intensified when I'm with my son thanks to our history of triggering each other, sometimes over nothing at all. After a couple days of being under the same roof with him I feel ready to explode.

And last night I was picturing the events from the past when I had a hell of a time getting he and his partner out of my apartment and fearing a repeat. I'm so relieved that that's not going to be the case this time. It makes me sad that I can't have him living in my home; if we had even close to a normal relationship I would love for him to stay with us until he got on his feet. But no use crying over what is not. I'm on the verge of crying as I'm sitting here typing this, partly out of relief that my worst fears weren't realized and partly out of a sense of sorrow that no sooner was he pulling out of the driveway with his friend I could feel a palpable change in the air from thick and heavy to much lighter. I wonder if that's all in my head?

One of my biggest problems with myself is that I tend to read things into things and to react or overreact to someone's tone of voice or their choice of words. I do this with my husband also. So I really need to work on not reacting unless something blatantly hurtful is said, and if someone sounds perturbed with me I need to just shut up and let it go before I start an argument.

And the strangest thing of all is that as much as it doesn't work for my son and I to live together, I miss him when he's gone. He says I disrespect him when I try to talk about his addiction or the choices he makes as a result of his bipolar. Perhaps I do, but it's certainly not intentional and I'm trying to become more aware of what I say that triggers that perception in him. But I also wish he would show me simple courtesy and respect by picking up after himself instead of leaving it for me to do. And he really irritated me yesterday evening after we had eaten, when he asked me to take his dish when I got up to take mine to the kitchen. Not a huge deal but I'm 63 and have slight sciatica on one side and knee pain that comes and goes on the other side, and he should have been offering to take mine, not asking me to take his. Again, "small stuff" but I'm pretty sure he will make himself as useful as he can in his friend and her mom's home as long as he's there. I hope so anyway! I hope I taught him at least that much.

I just wish I knew what I had done over the years of raising him that he has excellent manners and shows utmost respect to most of his elders but I am the exception. Oh well that's past and it is now what it is. I just have to accept that and move on.

Thanks for listening to me ramble yet again. Praying that the next time I check in it will be with happier news. Actually there is a little bit of good news...4 or 5 days clean for my son as far as I know. He has a long way to go but it's one hell of a start!

 

[BusynMember]

Hon, it isnt your fault. It is a fallacy that our kids turn out one way or another because of us. There is biology on BOTH sides, and all the other influences that matter more than us once they hit the teens and beyond. He probably picked up a bit of "jerk" from a father or distant relative and then found a group of yukky peers. Peers matter more to them than us once they hit 14 unless they are out for free money from us...that shows faulty character on their part. Most adult kids are loving and caring toward us.

It is probably best he not live eith you. I have three angel adult kids (one not) and I couldnt live with any of them. Adult children and their parents usually dont work out well in the same house and they tend not to grow up with us around. Especially if they dont WANT to grow up!

You are in my age range. Our adult kuds usually start looking after US at our ages, if they are good kids. I know my adult kids are quick to help us and ask about us (except for our one not so nice son). At your age and mine its time for us to have a blast and enjoy the rest of our lives. My hubby and I plan to RV travel in the winters! You have a very high functioning daughter. Enjoy HER.

Our Mommy days should be over. This is OUR time. Maybe renew your romance with hubby!

Your son is who he is and has slways been this way. Mine too. I have let go hoping for change and just enjoy the peace snd comfort of my home, my hearth, my husbsnd, my kind kids snd my hobbies and friends. Oh...and my DOGS who will RV with us !

I know its hard but I dont think we were put here to worry about our kids so much once we turn 60. Then its our time to let go and if you believe Let God.

I hope you can learn to find peace and give your son to God. in my opinion its time for you to rest and to what YOU want. What YOU enjoy. You cant change your son. No matter how this turns out, there is nothing you or sny of us csn do to change wayward adults.

Love and light!!

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Laura.

I think you show a great deal of insight into yourself, which to me, is one key to changing, surviving difficult situations, and maintaining relationships.

Of course you are triggered by repetitive and unthinking actions by others, your husband and your son. That is human. And true of most of us. Your son coming home, and entering a space that has been the sanctuary for you and your husband, in the best of outcomes, could not have been easy.

I think one important thing is to forgive ourselves for our reactions, and to try to forgive others for their humanity and foibles, as well.

It sounds like the three of you are working this out as you go. It feels sad when we cannot get what we think we want. But if you think about it, everything is always incremental. What we get all at once, seems to never last.

Be well.

 

[Elsi]

Laura I’m glad you have your space back! Your home should be your sanctuary. It is not easy being around people who bring chaos with them, even when they are our beloved children.

Five days clean is a start! Sending hugs and prayers that this is a new beginning for him, and these five days will lead to many more.

 

[LauraH]

So the change in the atmosphere isn't just in my head. I mentioned it to my husband and he said he noticed it as well. Holy cow, I'm tired. Tiptoeing on eggshells is exhausting!

But more good news, he just called me to tell me he has an interview in a local call center tomorrow. He almost always gets the jobs he interviews for. Keeping them is another thing altogether. But like his sobriety, it's a start. Where it goes is up to him. One day at a time, sweet Jesus.