He's soooo stubborn! Fade in Frank Sinatra's "My Way"

[TerryJ2]

So he wanted to drive --by himself--to the dr's office to sign a HIPPA permission form, and then go to the mall to apply for a bunch of jobs that his ex girlfriend listed for him.
I had him drop me off at husband's office so I could get a chiro adjustment, and then pick me up because his dr's office is right across the street. Perfect.
Until we drove to the mall ... together.
"I am NOT going!" he yells, as he drives to the mall. (Um, if you're not going, why are you headed there? I mean, if I were in the driver's seat, I could kidnap him I suppose, but it was very funny that he continued to argue while he headed in that direction.)
"Ohhhh, no. I am NOT getting out of the car. You are not dropping me off here. I am going to do it by myself."
Deep breath.
"When you test clean you can have the car for more than just across the street."
He parked.
His ex girlfriend is in the back seat, typing away on her phone.
"I'll go to Macy's," I said. "Give me the keys."
He handed them to me.
I turned off the car and got out.
It was 90 degrees.
Lol. I mean, that's a trick I could have played when he was 5 and he still falls for it.
So, about 7 min later, I see them strolling through Macy's.
(OMG, I love those little perfume sample displays. Just cheap enough to be dangerous!)

He came up and argued that he was NOT going to look for any jobs.

I walked away, into the mall. Went into a bunch of shops and asked if they were hiring. (Funny, the list got left at home, and neither the ex girlfriend nor he could remember a single place on the list. Duh.)

"Do you give out applications in person, or online?" was my only question. Two said, "We are DEFINITELY hiring right NOW."

difficult child kept pace with me most of the time and it made me very angry--this was not in my plans for the day--but it was kind of funny, too. He ended up going into most places partly because his girlfriend likes to shop and she was also following me. lol. And he did talk to a cpl of employees.

"I'll go back to Macy's and leave you alone," I said. "You can see how quickly this works ... just zoom in and zoom out. No one has to know that it's MY CAR in the pkng lot. Cut it out with the attitude!"

So I went back to Macy's and found my former supervisor and we talked for a long time. Sure enough, difficult child got bored and disappeared ... came back with-an application for Gymboree. Filled it out on the spot after asking me for friend's ph #'s for references and turned it in. (Gymboree? A discount for the baby? Hmm.) The supervisor and I just laughed because we knew if we talked long enough, he'd get bored and do his own thing.
She told me horror stories about her son, now 24 yrs old, married, and former Navy. She is so proud of him. But the day yrs ago, when she was driving down a main road and spotted him going in the opposite direction in the back of a police car, was kind of the beginning of the end. ROFL! I can just imagine her double-take. She is so supportive and funny. The best therapy I've had in a long time. (I wish I could still put up the Christmas displays but my hamstring tear is a permanent injury. No more ladders for me. )

So difficult child came home with-me and applied for two more jobs online. (The ones that really needed help.)
I haven't played freeze-out like this in yrs. Glad I still have it in me.
Perfume helps.

 

[AppleCori]

Wow, the maturity level of those two is just through the roof, huh?

Scary to think that they are going to be In charge of an infant.

I love Gymboree, though I have never seen a male working at one. I get my daughter's clothes mostly from there. With sales, discounts, clearance, gymbucks, you can get clothing for very reasonable prices. My favorite store!

 

[TerryJ2]

Wow, the maturity level of those two is just through the roof, huh?

:difficult child:

 

[pasajes4]

Terry, You mentioned in another post that he tested positive for weed. He will not get a job. Almost every employer checks for drugs. I understand that you want him to man up and quickly due to the baby situation, but until the drug use is addressed that is not going to happen. I know that he sees a psychiatric and therapist, but it seems that they are down playing the drug use. There are dual diagnosis therapists who deal with the mentally ill who use illegal substances.

 

[BusynMember]

Many employers even check for alcohol. The fact is, they want to hire somebody who can handle his drug/alcohol intake enough to test clean when he knows there will be a drug test. THC stays in the system a long time.

Wishing you luck, even if your Difficult Child is not doing well. At least you still have your sense of humor That's important when dealing with this stuff. Remember, we can't make them grow up. We can only stop enabling their childish behavior. in my opinion doing things for them does not make it better.

And if they don't want to work, they won't work. That's the sad part. No matter how we push unless we threaten to make them leave and even that doesn't always do the trick.

 

[TerryJ2]

I know. He knows. The faster HE fails an employer's drug test, the faster he will "man up."
He seems to have blown off the dr and his parents (us). I know this is hastening the inevitable. May as well speed it up.

 

[pasajes4]

I would not be so sure that it will make him "man up". The consequence of failing a drug test for work is you don't get a job. He has not listened to you. He has not listened to the Dr. He is still doing exactly what he wants. He gets to hang out with hijab girl. He is still driving the car ( does not matter if it is only across the street). You are allowing old girl friend to sleep in your house. He is still disrespecting you.

 

[BusynMember]

You are allowing old girl friend to sleep in your house. He is still disrespecting you.

I didn't see this.

Terry, you need to stand up to him, hon, or he will NEVER grow up. You in my opinion are way too much a part of his life, still trying to manage him when he is not going to listen to you. At the same time, you are still usually giving in to anything he wants. He s hould not sleep with anybody under your roof! A BABY IS ON THE WAY! That's how I see it...could be wrong.

JMO, but he should NEVER get your car. He uses drugs and drinks! He shouldn't get anything that you have to pay for. in my opinion he shouldn't even still be at home. He is disrespecting you and everything you stand for, is not at all concerned about the baby (he will likely be that deadbeat dad who is absent, and the only thing that will make him man up is to have to live on his own. You can't make him do it. He has to want it and he doesn't.

Sometimes the best t hing we can do is to let go and let whatever happens happen because our involvement doesn't help them and it hurts us. He is not so mentally ill that he can't find the drugs or get women pregnant. He can make up very good excuses for his behavior. He is not psychotic in any way. He is conniving. Watch out. This second girl may also show up pregnant.

If he were my son, I'd wash my hands of the nonsense and (yes, it is so hard) but his behavior and growing up index are deteriorating while he is at home. He's old enough to fight for our country. He's old enough to find a place to live, a job, or suffer the consequences of refusing to be productive.

I'm so sorry you have to see this and live through it and I hope you can stand strong against it.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Terry,

I agree with SWOT. No car. Not in your house. He is running you.

I am learning that it is toxic for me to want anything of my son or for him. By doing so, he holds the power. It is always in his hands to either do it or not. He holds all of the control. This is not good for him or me.

I have come to accept that he is 100 percent responsible for everything in his life. Especially his health. Whether he works or not is his decision. Who he lives with and how, likewise. His business.

All I can do is decide under what conditions I can see him or talk to him or not. And I can decide what to say or to what I will listen. If I do not like the conversation I can hang up.

Only what involves me directly is my business.

I am seeing that danger zones for me, are way beyond giving money or things or help. I cannot give advice or counsel.

My danger zone is way into the emotional zone. My son manipulates my care and my love. Even my desire that he live.

Every single thing I want for my son takes away from his incentive and need to become a full adult man. To motivate, suggest or influence, There is almost nothing else to say, anymore. I am forced to accept that my entire relationship with my son may have been inappropriate.

He gets angry if I even say, You will work it out. You will decide.

I do not know what he wants from me, except that I suffer along with him. I have come to the conclusion that this is the result he is seeking.