Hi, I'm new.

[Carrie719]

Hi,
My name is Carrie. I have two children, a 12 year old girl who is a pretty easy kiddo to parent, and a 6 year old boy, who is the reason I am on this forum.

My son has ADHD, and when I tell people that, they usually react in one of the following ways; "No big deal, just drug him." "Don't all kids have that?" "That's just a made up diagnosis for kids with too much energy." It probably is an overused diagnosis, I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but one thing I know for sure, is it is a big deal and no, most kids are not like my son. He's very sweet, but he has a hard time with physical boundaries, like hugging and kissing people he shouldn't. He also has a temper that can flip like a switch; one second he's fine, the next second he's throwing anything that's not nailed down across the room. He sees a therapist for one on one sessions every other week and goes to group therapy weekly.

I tried to explain to his teacher this year, before the school year started, what she could expect and she looked at me like I had something growing out of my face. No one believes me, until they meet him. And then they act like they've got news for me, HA! I tried to warn you people. Anyway, I digress.

School has been in session for about a month now. Last year he was suspended at least 20 times (from kindergarten), I stopped keeping track after a while. Typically it was for defiance; not coming in when he was supposed to, not getting up off the ground when he was asked to, yelling at adults, or just being disruptive in class. The school had some administrative turn over during the year, and I think the new principal, who wasn't technically a principal at all, couldn't handle it. It was just easier to send him home than it was to redirect him. Anyway, this year seemed to be going better. Before today, I hadn't gotten any phone calls, just one text message from his teacher asking me to talk to him about not being upset about his place in line. But today, I got a phone call, and what a phone call.

After lunch, my son went out on the playground with all the other students, pulled his pants down, and peed all over the playground, equipment, and benches. To my knowledge it did not get on anyone, and that's the best thing I can say about the whole incident.

I'm mortified, and confused, and guilty, and angry. I just want to quit my job and homeschool him, not because I think I can do it better, but because I am tired of making his behavior everyone else's problem. My husband says he needs to socialize or won't have any friends. Well, I don't think he's going to have any friends anyway, not if he keeps peeing in public and kissing people without permission. He's going to end up in jail or worse. He's 6, and I'm already picturing being at his sentencing hearing. He was telling me all about how he's excited for his birthday party, and he wants to invite the whole class, and all I can think is how disappointed and heartbroken he'll be when no one comes because everyone in his class dislikes him.

I know no one can tell me what I should do, well I guess someone could try, but I'm really just here for a sounding board. I can't talk to anyone I know about this, they don't understand. They think I'm exaggerating or making it sound worse than it is. I don't think I am, I think it's a shitty situation that I am ill-equipped to deal with and I am completely lost and just want to run away, that's what I think. Anyway, thanks for listening.

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi. I would want to reassess my child first. It sounds like more than ADHD. I think ADHD is a big deal, but have nephews with it and they would not have ever been THAT defiant or pulled down their pants. That is a behavior that is distressing enough that it would have gotten a slow poke like me who doesn't like medication that much to go to a neuropsychologist AND psychiatrist to figure out what is going on. Your poor boy could have been molested by a sitter or neighbor. Your son is acting out in sexual ways. Something may have happened.

I have a very difficult daughter who was always a behavior problem in school. She was defiant and talked back and pushed other kids but if I had homeschooled her I would have lost my mind and it would not have helped. I triggered her and the school HAS to offer help that they pay for. Hire a lawyer if they wont. We did. We got the school district to have a to help pay for a special behavioral high school for Kay.

Would I have quit work? Work is also my sanity...I will probably work some until I die. This is our own company that we built. My son is being groomed to take over.

My daughter, the difficult one, is a 33 year old mess. We did not admit to ourselves that we could not fix her when she was young like your son. We did not take her to a neuropsychologist and had not even heard of one until she was old enough to refuse to go to one. She did refuse. I am sorry that we had.not done more when she was a child in the way of professional help. Looking back, not wanting to medicate her as a kid was a bad move because at 33 she self medicates with pot daily and Kratom, she vapes and used all sorts of drugs. She used to cut. She still may. I urge you to listen to professionals who can figure out the big picture and not try to do this yourself. Will he outgrow it, you may wonder?

No, he wont outgrow it. Probably wont. Most likely he will get worse without good support. I am not trying to scare you. Just telling you what I have seen. I could be wrong. Trust me, it is not worth guessing, like we did.

God bless you. I hope you can get a handle on what is going on as soon as possible. Sounds like possible autism which is very often misdiagnosed as ADHD.

Is he adopted? Did he suffer a caregiver loss through divorce? Did he watch adults being violent? My daughter was adopted. In her case her adoption is the root of many of her issues. Breaks our hearts.

 

[Carrie719]

Is he adopted? Did he suffer a caregiver loss through divorce? Did he watch adults being violent?

No, not adopted, little bugger crawled right out of me. My husband and are married and have never separated, although we do work really different hours. I work an 8-5, he works mostly nights and weekends. My husband lets him watch scary movies with him, but not like slasher films, more like haunted house kind of stuff. I don't think it's the best idea, but I also don't think it's related to his behavior.

I urge you to listen to professionals who can figure out the big picture and not try to do this yourself.

I sent a text message to his therapist as soon as I found out about it but I haven't heard anything back yet. I'm guessing she is with other clients at the moment.

Hire a lawyer if they wont. We did. We got the school district to have a to help pay for a special behavioral high school

I've tried to lean on the school to provide additional services. I requested a special education referral, and they decided that he "wasn't bad enough" to deserve services. My son is very smart, and in spite of his behavior, gets very good grades, I still think he needs intervention, but the school looks at him and says it's not effecting his ability to learn, we don't need intervention services. If he were failing he would at least qualify for a 504, but because he's smart, he's denied help. Pretty Effed up in my opinion. I hadn't thought about hiring a lawyer. His school has a new principal this year, he's much more tuned in than the previous administration, so I want to give him a chance to help us. But, I suppose if we can't get the help we need from the school, a lawyer may be the next course of action.

Just thanks for listening and caring. Like I said, people I know who I try to talk to about him, they don't understand. They only see snippets of him, it's hard to fathom, I guess.

 

[BusynMember1]

Oh, I get it. I would still hire a lawyer. Schools have to deal with all kinds of special needs, including behavioral problems. Let the lawyer deal with the school. They don't listen to parents. All that sending your son home is hurting him. They cant tell a lawyer who knows the law that he gets no help because of his grades. That is incorrect. Your son is only in first grade. Eventually missing all this school due to his behavior will effect his grades. Don't wait until things get worse.

Who oversees your son's therapist? Nothing against therapists, but they lack the education of a psychiatrist, who is a medical doctor, or a neuropsychologist who has a PhD in psychology with extra training in the function of the brain. A therapist, at best, has a Masters but no medical training. I don't believe they are legally allowed to diagnose.

When was the last time that your son had a total academic/behavioral evaluation by a top level professional? I suggest an update. If I had a do over, I would have my Kay completely evaluated in a very intensive way by both a psychiatrist and a neuropsychologist. We did neither. We are sorry. I believe it may have made a huge difference in her life had she been correctly evaluated in all areas and given the proper interventions as a young child. We started too late and she would not cooperate by the time we suddenly panicked big time. In therapy, in some states, a twelve year old can refuse treatment. I find this crazy, but it's true.

I do care about you and your son. I think we all do because we have struggled with our kids, many from a very young age, and many of us were told it wasn't that bad. Or we thought it would get better. Or we were afraid to know. We were afraid to know. We look back and are sorry that we waited until high school, when things were out of control with Kay, before we realized that the school folks were never going to give Kay what she needed and we contacted a lawyer. Bad on us.

I hope you get more proactive outside of your son's school district, but hold them accountable. Get an education lawyer. Don't let the school sell your son short just because schools don't like to spend money. Thats why they don't like to give our kids help. Your son probably needs an Aide and they really should offer one. But they hate to pay. A kid who pulls his pants down should have an Aide with him. He has a right to a free and appropriate education that meets his needs.

Keep working. We need to have an identity and life apart from our kids. I thank God every day that my husband and I started our business, which kept us very busy, or both of us may have lost our minds with Kay and her constant drama. Be sure to do things for yourself too. You can't help your son, if you don't make sure you are healthy too!

 

[JayPee]

Welcome Carrie.

I’m sorry for all your going through. I think Busy has given some good advice.

My son is 26 now but right from kindergarten we had issues with him. We never had him diagnosed because husband didn’t want him labeled and I think I was too naive and afraid as well that he’d be drugged up on medication. I also thought he’d get better with age.

He went to a private Catholic school and I thought he’d get better attention with smaller classes etc.

My son did not fall behind in his grades either for a while. But the ADHD will catch up. They will become less and less attentive and even more frustrated with themselves. I believe they sense something isn’t right. I believe his inability to figure out what was going on inside of him lead him to drugs starting in JR high.

I don’t want to write the end of your story with mine but it won’t get easier.

I wish I would have figured out with doctors and specialist what his problem was because it might have saved a lot of heartache.

I cried a million tears over his pain and mine to this day.

Be brave. Be his advocate now and press for answers and help.

Wishing you strength and courage.

 

[Deni D]

Hi Carrie, welcome. Just from my viewpoint with my own personal experience:

Schools can be pretty tough to deal with, some worse than others. The local school district here was terrible for special needs. They did like to classify any child they could, keep them in the school district and collect a few extra dollars for each of them, doing nothing for them. The name of the game is money here. So in general dealing with schools I'm not very trusting, even though I'm sure there are plenty of good school districts out there.

On the education side the first thing I would do is to find a special education advocate. I suggest an advocate first because that person will spend much more time actually helping you than a lawyer will. I had an advocate who was a mother of a special needs child who learned what was required from the school districts and how to talk and deal with them herself. She was a godsend back then.

A good advocate can look at the documentation for what testing and decisions the school has already done and make recommendations for what else is needed. The advocate should go to all meetings with the school district with you. It's also helpful to record the meetings, tames down any un-useful commenting or misinformation from school staff.

I think it would be very good to have neuropsychological and psychological testing done as soon as you can for your son. Then take it from there. I would suggest you have this testing done privately, not through the school district even if they offer it. I'm saying this because my son's neuropsycholgical testing was done through the school district with the results stating he was a-okay when in fact it should have shown motor skill problems and processing speed deficits. I am sure the place that did the testing found no issues with most of the children sent there for testing so they could continue to get the business from the school district.

Something you said about not wanting to make your son's behavior everyone else's problem and seem to think the school should not have to "put up" with your son's behaviors. True to an extent but your son has a right to a free and appropriate education. That means the schooling he gets has to be in an environment where he can pay attention and learn. Of course it means you would do as much as you possibly can to help him with strategies at home, with therapy and with doctors and such but it also means they have to make accommodations with his school environment. Accommodations would be anything from redirecting him, a one on one aide, to a separate private school and lots in between. If it were up to the local school district here my son would have been home schooled, gets them off the hook, completely. As it turned out he attended a private school for children with higher IQs and emotional problems. The school district paid to bus him and the tuition. My son got an excellent education. Even with all of my son's issues today with not taking care of himself that education has helped him in many ways.

Also you mentioned something about "no big deal, just drug him". Oh if were so easy, lol! That statement of just drugging a child from people who have not been down that path is pathetic. It sounds like you just go to a doctor, get a script, and all you have to do is hand your child a pill. The reality of it is kind of like comparing the Sunday armchair quarterback to the guy who's actually on the field. If you go down the path of trying any medication for your son a GP would not be a good idea. A child psychiatrist, with a good reputation and who requires a lot of involvement from the parents would be best.

Please don't beat yourself up, and don't let anyone else do it to you either. It's not a good situation, but there is a lot you can do for your son at his young age. I can tell from your posts you are more than capable.

 

[Crayola13]

Have you tried using money to control his behavior? I didn't have ADHD, but my dad used money to control my behavior and it worked!

 

[Copabanana]

Welcome.

I agree with Busy and Deni. Ask your pediatrician to refer you to a pediatric neuropsychologist. I would go to a Regional Children's Hospital Child Development Clinic. There he will see a team of professionals. This could also help him establish Special Education eligibility if the evaluation establishes he has a diagnosis. I agree you need an advocate. The school does NOT get to decide unilaterally whether or not he qualifies for Special Education. My son got an IEP in kindergarten for ADHD under the category other health impaired. He got it based upon the recommendation of his pediatrician. I believe he was prescribed medication for ADHD at that time. He got special education services based upon ADHD throughout his school years. He even got sent to a non-public school for a few years.

I don't care what other people say. ADHD is a big deal. But something else might be going on. The rage and the peeing are concerning. These are sometimes associated with trauma or other incidents that he can't assimilate. Are there any other health problems?

As far as therapy goes, have you considered expressive arts therapy? It is like play therapy but involves activities such as music, dance or art. Often children can express through these mediums what they can't express through words.

My own opinion is that if by accepting the prescription for a bottle of pills for ADHD, you could get him on an IEP with special education protections, I would get the bottle of pills. You don't have to follow through and give them to him. You can throw them away, if you choose. The bottle of pills is what got my son an IEP for 12 years. (The school was the one advocating for him to be on medication.) It may be deceitful but people change their minds all of the times. That's your right.

 

[Deni D]

As far as therapy goes, have you considered expressive arts therapy? It is like play therapy but involves activities such as music, dance or art? Often children can express through these mediums what they can't express through words?

This also sounds like a great way for a child to explore what their interests might be. Especially a child who's having problems with everyday life, gives them the opportunity to focus on what they like while working through issues.

 

[Deni D]

Have you tried using money to control his behavior? I didn't have ADHD, but my dad used money to control my behavior and it worked!

I also used money for certain situations I knew were going to be problematic going in. I had forgotten about that. These situations were ones in which I knew someone was going to try to get my son upset, because they always did. It was as if he "won" the challenge with them trying to push his buttons without them even realizing what was going on. And he could have cared less about money back then, saved every penny he got.

 

[Nomad]

Rushing...apologies.

Very generally...I’m not sure if quitting a good job to homeschool is wise. But there are exceptions.

Our daughter had medical issues and a mental health diagnosis plus adhd.

I partially homeschooled her. She went to two classes at her middle school. I picked her up mid morning. I hand picked the teachers and subjects. I don’t like math so math was always one subject at the public school.

Did this a few years.

It was VERY good for her and fairly good for me.

She got some exposure to the classroom. Yet was not overwhelming for her. Extra time to prepare for those two subjects. We did the rest as homeschooling.

I’m just not sure it’s very healthy for mom.

Unsure. Debatable. Always exceptions.

It was very good for her. She never appreciated it.

If your child stays in school...be active. Have an iep. Be proactive. Participatory. These things help. Consider hiring a tutor for tougher subjects.

 

[WiseChoices]

I have zero experience with schools, so I will share some information about homeschooling.

I homeschooled both of my children all through highschool. They both went on to college, earned their A.A.s and one just graduated with a Bachelor's magna cum laude and the other will finish hers in May .

What I want to say to you is that your son is very young still .I am not wanting to minimize the issues you are seeing. However, it sounds like he gets frustrated very easily and his escalated behavior may be a sign that a prior frustration went unaddressed for him. I saw a red flag when you said that his teacher asked you to talk to him about "not getting upset about his place in line". He is 6! It's ok to get upset. Its what we do about our feelings that we can train and practice and thereby putting tools into our tool belt.

What kind of a learner does he seem to be? Visual, auditory, or kinetic? At home, I had the option of working with each child one on one in their preferred learning style. This is not possible in a classroom setting, and not every child's needs are going to be able to be addressed in school as they cater to 20-30 kids at the same time .

What kind of problems do you encounter at home?

It's also not Black and White. You can homeschool for the rest of the school year and see whether it is something that works for you and him. You can try school again when he is older. There are also alternative schools like the Sudbury Valley schools and they have smaller versions of these pop up in many communities all over the country. This might be a good alternative for your son .

Again, not minimizing your observations and experiences here, but at 6 years old not every human is capable yet of sitting still in a classroom for the major part of the day or being able to conform to a group. My children did very well with our homeschool groups where we met for park days for outdoor play, did field trips to museums and theaters and educational events. But, both of my introvert children needed downtime after these experiences and would not have been able to conform to the group and the required behaviors every day all day at 6 years old . We did a lot of expanding followed by drawing inward like our breathing. We would participate in activity, and then find restfulness and peace by listening to classical music , reading out loud, doing kids yoga etc

I think homeschooling may be worth exploring IF you quitting your job is economically feasible for you (and in the best interest of the unity of your family unit). There are many different styles of homeschooling from the more strict to the more relaxed all the way to unschooling.

A word to the wise: as young adults , my children feel it would have been better for them to attend school. They will probably change their minds on this again as they nature and grow, but I thought it fair to mention.

 

[susiestar]

I hate to echo others, but get that boy to a neuropsychologist. ASAP. Which could be many months of waiting. Also send a letter by certified mail, return receipt requested, asking the school to do a FULL assessment of his needs for the purpose of an IEP. From the day school receives it, they cannot send him home more than (I think) 6 or 7 times. If they send him home that last time, they have to assess his placement. They MUST provide whatever he needs, even a 1:1 aide to go everywhere and keep up with him so he doesn't do these things. They MUST provide an Occupational Therapist if that is needed, many other kinds of therapy, and many other things.

I did pull my oldest out of school for 3rd and 4th grade. It wasn't the best decision, or the worst decision. Given that nothing he could do was EVER right for his teachers, I wanted to give him an option that would let him see rewards for doing/trying to do the right things. He then went back into school for 5th and part of 6th. Then he skipped 7th grade because our junior high is atrocious. And went to 8th-12th grade in school with at least a few friends.

If you follow the link in my signature at the bottom of this post, you will find an outline for a Parent's Report. Start on that ASAP. It will be a very powerful thing to help your son. It helps you keep all of the info from the various therapists, doctors, etc.... organized. Then you can take that with you to appointments and just look up whatever is needed. It really does help.