Holiday Stress with Adult Children

[Weary Mother]

Well, good news!! A letter from my son. He sounds very good, for today and where he is. And so far nothing horrible has happened to either of them. I have just been so worried, with all the people in my life that are not functioning well it does affect my happiness too. I do find myself in the midst of a happy scene but yet still unhappy because of a feeling of impending doom. There has just been too many years of this and I think I must have some form of ptsd!! I can see how that happens. I have no understanding of how to quit that but it happens a lot. The holidays are stressful for most people I assume but with 2 adult children with major life problems, I guess I just have a hard time dismissing this, even when there is no life or death issues. I am working on this and do realize that I should not take on the job of fixing them. I think part of the stress is the practice of having to relearn my way of living at this age, and not get involved. I do tell both of them that I love them and hope they find ways to work out the problems. This seems to work so far. I hope all of you are doing well and having a peaceful time now.

 

[RN0441]

Jodie

That is great news. Sometimes I think our Difficult Child ask for something that they don't even really expect us to give/do but are testing us and it throws us into an unnecessary tailspin.

I hope you have a peaceful holiday season and a very Merry Christmas!

 

[Weary Mother]

Jodie

That is great news. Sometimes I think our Difficult Child ask for something that they don't even really expect us to give/do but are testing us and it throws us into an unnecessary tailspin.

I hope you have a peaceful holiday season and a very Merry Christmas!

I think you are right.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Jodie, my heart goes out to you, I can feel your earnestness and deep love for your kids in all of your posts. You're doing very well with all of it, for me, the truth is that unlike other areas of life where we do well, this one doesn't feel very good. Before any real change happens we usually go through the agonies of the damned as we start to let go and accept what is, it's not for the faint of heart! There is no guidebook which maps out how to parent our difficult kids...... we all have to go through this process and make very hard choices about how we're going to deal with our adult kids. You've made some big strides in detaching from both of your kids........and it still feels bad. I understand.

I think part of the stress is the practice of having to relearn my way of living at this age, and not get involved.

I relate to your comment Jodie, it's a huge life change at our age to stop enabling our kids and begin focusing on ourselves.

I do tell both of them that I love them and hope they find ways to work out the problems.

I think that's the best thing you can tell your kids......you love them and you trust that they will work it out. The rest is up to them.

I hope you have a peaceful holiday season too......

 

[Lil]

I'm glad things are going as well as can be expected. My own son being far away in the cold has been weighing on me, but he seems to be okay. Had a long text conversation with him and today I'm going to send him the cost of a coat - my Christmas gift to him. I would buy the coat, but picking up at the store thru Wal-Mart doesn't exactly work same-day, not on clothes apparently, through the Holidays. He's living as you would expect a homeless person to, sleeping outside in the cold, but it seems to be what he wants. At least, he says it's "tolerable". I am trying to stay out of it. Not as much out as Jabber would like, I'm sure...but I'm not making suggestions or rescuing him other than a few dollars to buy things to stay warm (bought him a sleeping bag, then sent some $ for tarps, rope, hatchet, etc. and now the coat). I wouldn't do that much...but it's Christmas. I'd have just sent him a care package if he had an address.

Anyway, this:

I do find myself in the midst of a happy scene but yet still unhappy because of a feeling of impending doom.

is so hard. I understand the feeling and for me at least, being able to know what's going on with him and help in a small way - by making a gift of something useful - helps me stave off that feeling.

 

[so ready to live]

Hi Jodie.

Sometimes I think our Difficult Child ask for something that they don't even really expect us to give/do but are testing us and it throws us into an unnecessary tailspin.

So Agree with RN. I tend to take that hit right in the gut---refusing to help again takes so much out of me. Does my son know this? It always reminds me that when my son was in elementary school and we would have disagreement/all out brawl before school, I would obsess all day on how that event would affect his day. Then, he would come home, not acknowledging anything had been wrong at all. He's still pretty much like that.
Enjoy the good feeling from your son's letter-you've had enough days of bad feelings. Today I give you permission to be happy and calm. Prayers.