How many are divorced?
- Thread starter mattsmum
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Big Bad Kitty
lolcat
IN my case, I left Tink's dad before we really knew that Tink was a difficult child (she was just 2). Seeing how she is now, and how he is now, and how much like him, she is, it's probably a good thing I did. He does not want to hear that she is ADHD because then he will have to believe what the doctor told him. That HE has ADHD. (they told him this as an adult)
Raising my daughter is rough. I have nobody to hand her off to. But I could not imagine living with another adult who was not on the same page as me. I will take it this way every time. I am in no hurry to find another guy, either. I am not a man hater, I just have no desire to throw that type of complication into the mix right now. Tink is only 6. And besides Tink, I kinda like having my own style in my home, and not having to explain to a grown up why a light up beer sign does not belong in a living room. And not having to pick up tighty whiteys all over the place.
I mean, eww.
Raising my daughter is rough. I have nobody to hand her off to. But I could not imagine living with another adult who was not on the same page as me. I will take it this way every time. I am in no hurry to find another guy, either. I am not a man hater, I just have no desire to throw that type of complication into the mix right now. Tink is only 6. And besides Tink, I kinda like having my own style in my home, and not having to explain to a grown up why a light up beer sign does not belong in a living room. And not having to pick up tighty whiteys all over the place.
I mean, eww.
I agree that children need unconditional love and support...absolutely.
To answer another question, husband and I are both adoptive parents, as you can see in my signature. We have had both of our children from birth. husband and difficult child's bond never really happened, in my opinion. difficult child was a difficult baby and much preferred me. He cried when husband held him.
To answer another question, husband and I are both adoptive parents, as you can see in my signature. We have had both of our children from birth. husband and difficult child's bond never really happened, in my opinion. difficult child was a difficult baby and much preferred me. He cried when husband held him.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Ok. It's sad that hub didn't bond with the kids. The kids were adopted and already suffer from "my birthmother didn't want me" I imagine. I can't imagine choosing kids over hub. Adults can or should be able to take care of themselves. Kids depend on us--sometimes longer than we want them to!
Midwest Mom,
My husband has bonded just fine with my daughter.
Also, my children do not suffer from "my birthmother didn't want me" because their birthmothers did want them. They loved their children so much that they did the hardest thing they have ever done, and put their feelings last to give their biological children a better life.
My husband has bonded just fine with my daughter.
Also, my children do not suffer from "my birthmother didn't want me" because their birthmothers did want them. They loved their children so much that they did the hardest thing they have ever done, and put their feelings last to give their biological children a better life.
I am a divorced mom.It was quite hard as a stay at home mom taking care of everything.He never took the responsibility of the bills,housework,school and doctors.It was all me.He worked and I managed everything else.A marriage should be a balance so that there isnt so much stress on one person alone.Open communication is very important.We lost that somewhere.
My ex ended up physically abusing our son.Abuse or not,my kids always come first.The emotional strain raising kids is intense enough and then you add in a difficult child which doubles the stress.
My ex ended up physically abusing our son.Abuse or not,my kids always come first.The emotional strain raising kids is intense enough and then you add in a difficult child which doubles the stress.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Well, two of my kids were adopted from overseas and my oldest son's mom wrote to us...she obviously wishes she'd kept him (or it seemed so). And my youngest ones mom did too. Don't know about #3 (daughter) and Lucas's birthmom used drugs and didn't want him (he's the only one who doesn't seem to care at all that he's adopted). But I do think adopted kids usually think of that hardest, loving thing as not so loving. Of course, I don't know about your kids. I know my older kids have told me that it doesn't matter why, it's that they did and that sometimes it really hurts. That may not be the case with your kids, but it was with mine. It made my divorce (the one from my first hub (yes, I'm in The Divorce Club...lol), and their father) harder for them, in my opinion. But all kids see things differently. I just meant it could be harder for them if they had these issues. I didn't mean to suggest they absolutely DID have them. *I* certainly think their birthparents did the right thing and try to pass that along to the kids, when it comes up (not very often, but it does). Sorry if you were offended.
M
ML
Guest
BBK you crack me up! I think you are on the right track.
weaselqt
New Member
When I see where everyone says they married into difficult child family - I say the same thing because two of my inlaws are difficult child for sure!! I was talking to someone the other night and said I married the mental institution and gave birth to their children. I have NEVER seen children act the way my difficult child does - but husband says he saw it all his life. My husband has only lost it in the past 2 years with my difficult child - but it is probably a combo of being bipolar/adhd/ AND teenager!!!! LOL - otherwise - husband is pretty calm.
As for choosing - I would NEVER turn my back on my children. My mom left us for a man and she basically lost her children. I hate not living close to my siblings and were raised away from each other. I will NEVER split my children or turn my back on them. My mom and dad are now reaping what they sowed.
Hugs to you - I don't have a perfect marriage, but I am a very lucky person to have the husband I have.
As for choosing - I would NEVER turn my back on my children. My mom left us for a man and she basically lost her children. I hate not living close to my siblings and were raised away from each other. I will NEVER split my children or turn my back on them. My mom and dad are now reaping what they sowed.
Hugs to you - I don't have a perfect marriage, but I am a very lucky person to have the husband I have.
SunnyFlorida
Active Member
I was told by a very wise, yet young psychiatrist to always plan for my children to leave home. She too recommended not having the children as the center of our lives but have them as integral players.
I used to say I have an autocratic household but with democratic principles.
My husband is a type A person who never really bought into the ADHD or the BiPolar (BP) diagnosis...at first. He would have preferred our difficult child 1 had a physical impairment or something he could really sink his teeth into rather than a mental diagnosis.
It wasn't until we needed to keep difficult child on our insurance that he finally read the psychiatrists report and in the black/white language that was used....he finally got it. Unfortunately difficult child was 22 years old.
One of the biggest mistakes I made as a parent though is not becoming as educated as I could have been about the diagnosis and then not discussing with my husband an appropriate parenting style that was comfortable for both of us. I also should have held difficult child 1 more accountable for his actions.
The world and the law do not care if someone has mental illness. If they break the law there are consequences. Sometimes the guilty party has to go to the hospital first, but they too pay for their crimes.
husband and I are still married. Although, I contemplated divorce twice. I hated when I thought I was being forced to chose between my children and my husband. My most recent time was when I found this board.
This may sound like a cliche', but men and women do think differently. Because of that it's sometimes hard for men to see and to react appropriately when their child is not "normal".
difficult child's take a toll on marriage and people in general.
I used to say I have an autocratic household but with democratic principles.
My husband is a type A person who never really bought into the ADHD or the BiPolar (BP) diagnosis...at first. He would have preferred our difficult child 1 had a physical impairment or something he could really sink his teeth into rather than a mental diagnosis.
It wasn't until we needed to keep difficult child on our insurance that he finally read the psychiatrists report and in the black/white language that was used....he finally got it. Unfortunately difficult child was 22 years old.
One of the biggest mistakes I made as a parent though is not becoming as educated as I could have been about the diagnosis and then not discussing with my husband an appropriate parenting style that was comfortable for both of us. I also should have held difficult child 1 more accountable for his actions.
The world and the law do not care if someone has mental illness. If they break the law there are consequences. Sometimes the guilty party has to go to the hospital first, but they too pay for their crimes.
husband and I are still married. Although, I contemplated divorce twice. I hated when I thought I was being forced to chose between my children and my husband. My most recent time was when I found this board.
This may sound like a cliche', but men and women do think differently. Because of that it's sometimes hard for men to see and to react appropriately when their child is not "normal".
difficult child's take a toll on marriage and people in general.
I'm divorced from my difficult child's bio-father. Looking back, my initial foray into depression the first year we were married should have been a big "WAKE UP" sign. He's definitely AD/HD and something else on top of it and refuses to seek help or make changes. I'm a type A personality who had to realize that if I didn't live with clutter and chaos my life with ex-AH was going to be hell. Well, even with that change it became that way.
I ended up leaving because I got tired of being a "mom" to an almost 40 year old going on 18 who was
off because he had to have a job instead of stay home, watch TV, play computer games, and make me do all the chores and hold the only paying job.
Every step of the way when my son has struggled it's been me who has identified it, gotten the help he needed, been there for him and educated myself. Unfortunately, I was the "wage earner" and ex-AH was a stay at home dad, so I didn't pick up on some of my son's issues until they had become major problems because I was out of the house so much - I try to not kick myself daily from regret that it took me so long especially for his language and AD/HD symptoms. Unfortunately, ex-AH thinks that my son's diagnosis is wrong and he only needs "a strong hand and firm guidance not unlike many boys his age." My son sooo doesn't get the support that he needs from his bio dad.
My SO still hasn't picked up any of the educational materials I've asked him to look over, but he is willing to listen to me when I share what I've learned from my reading etc. He's also willing to follow my lead - he's right on board with the discipline system, the social skills that we're focusing on atm, etc. For example, we sat down and played "Go Fish" yesterday and worked on making eye contact while talking with someone. I explained what I wanted my son to work on with my SO and he picked it up and ran with it beautifully. As much as I'd love for him to pick up some of the books and read through them, he has been so willing to change his parenting style and follow through with what the psychiatrist and therapist recommend that I really can't complain. My son is doing so much better with a good male role model in his life like my SO.
I ended up leaving because I got tired of being a "mom" to an almost 40 year old going on 18 who was
off because he had to have a job instead of stay home, watch TV, play computer games, and make me do all the chores and hold the only paying job. Every step of the way when my son has struggled it's been me who has identified it, gotten the help he needed, been there for him and educated myself. Unfortunately, I was the "wage earner" and ex-AH was a stay at home dad, so I didn't pick up on some of my son's issues until they had become major problems because I was out of the house so much - I try to not kick myself daily from regret that it took me so long especially for his language and AD/HD symptoms. Unfortunately, ex-AH thinks that my son's diagnosis is wrong and he only needs "a strong hand and firm guidance not unlike many boys his age." My son sooo doesn't get the support that he needs from his bio dad.
My SO still hasn't picked up any of the educational materials I've asked him to look over, but he is willing to listen to me when I share what I've learned from my reading etc. He's also willing to follow my lead - he's right on board with the discipline system, the social skills that we're focusing on atm, etc. For example, we sat down and played "Go Fish" yesterday and worked on making eye contact while talking with someone. I explained what I wanted my son to work on with my SO and he picked it up and ran with it beautifully. As much as I'd love for him to pick up some of the books and read through them, he has been so willing to change his parenting style and follow through with what the psychiatrist and therapist recommend that I really can't complain. My son is doing so much better with a good male role model in his life like my SO.
STRESSEDTOMAX
Member
That was perfect-and I second it.
