how much can one person take

[flutterbee]

Sometimes, knowing these things intellectually and believing them are two different things.

5 years ago, in my darkest months, I couldn't see the end. All I could see was darkness and an indescribable pain. I would get the kids up and off to school and go back to bed and stayed there until time to pick my daughter up from school. Friends would give me a hard time about it and my response in seriousness was, "At least I'm not dead." Because dead was what I wanted more than anything. I fantasized about it. I, too, am a fighter. That is not like me, but I didn't have any fight left at that time. So, I just existed. Literally.

Most of that time of my life is hazy and I don't have much actual memory. About a year after the darkness lifted, I found several card and board games while cleaning out easy child's closet. I didn't know we had them. My mom told me that I played those games with my kids on a regular basis while I was "sick" and that it was probably my saving grace with them. So, while I was down in the deepest despair there was still something in me that made me be there for my kids.

My kids knew there was something wrong, but they have never described it as anything other than "when you were sick, Mom".

 

[ML]

I can so relate WW. Please know that you are NOT alone. There are others who walk along side you in this journey though you can't see them. We *are* you. We love you and we lift you up in our hearts. Hope is not lost. Your spirit CAN experience a rebirth; a renewal of strength. Try to change the thoughts to the best of your ability. I know how hard it is, truly. But to some extent that like attracts like has something to it. I know that I've been experiencing grief for almost 10 years myself. After going through 13 years of infertility treatments to have my miracle child; to losing my 17 year marriage, realizing I have a difficult child, walking blindly and stupidly into a second marrage at 40 because *I was in love*. Lastly it's been the menopause cycle. I'm trying to openly embrace the next chapter of my life and just hope and pray that I make better choices. It's a one day at a time gig. What lights up my life at this point are those like you because you make me feel like I belong to something greater. I just want you to know that my heart goes out to you and the you are in my prayers. Hugs, MicheleL

 

[NOLA]

WW - I'm relatively new to this forum but just wanted to say you have touched my heart. I can relate to what you are saying all to well. We bang our heads to the wall and we don't understand why the wall won't move. You are not alone - I have been banging for 16 years also.

Maybe it is time for a full re-evaluation of him - he may very well be on too many medications.

Get away for a weekend to refuel - I know it's hard - but we must not loose hope for ourselves.