How to deal with the entitled attitude, financial stuff with difficult child

[dstc_99]

When I went to college my parents made it clear that they would help me financially as long as I stayed in school. If I dropped out or failed out, I was on my own.

We would have done the same with difficult child had she not moved out half way through her senior year. Even after all that drama we allowed her to use her college fund and gave her a small amount of spending money. Nothing like we would have done had she not abused her priveleges. Of course she only passed one of two classes, dropped out, and moved in with a guy.

difficult child doesn't know this but she is kind of earning her priveleges back. We have always said we would do as much as we could for our kids if they showed us respect and took advantage of the benefits. difficult child currently has two jobs. One is official (she got it yesterday) and the other is unnoficial. She is supposed to enroll in college for next semester part time as well. As long as she continues to work at least part time to pay for her car and enrolls in college/school then we will cover all her other expenses. in my humble opinion if she is doing all that then she is showing the maturity needed for growth and we will support it. Once she's done though she's got to go! LOL

I think it will be a shock to difficult child how much we do for easy child when she goes to college. Especially if difficult child doesn't get her head on straight and earn those priveleges back.

 

[Origami]

So here's how the preliminary talk went while difficult child was in the kitchen with me last night.
Him: Can I get money for cigs and food?
Me: No, we don't have money for that now. You know your dad doesn't get paid for December.
Him: Well, my rats need food. Are they supposed to starve?
Me: They can eat veggies for a couple of days until payday.
Him: Then you can buy me a cheap carton of cigs on payday with my allowance and I won't need to beg you for them everyday.
Me: You're not getting an allowance now. You need to get a job.
Him: Weren't you going to give me money to do laundry? I won't do my laundry this week. And I won't ask for any snacks or extra food from the grocery store. That will be enough for the carton. See, I'm already saving you money.
Me: I said no.
Him: Then why don't you get me a job if it's so easy to get one.
Me: You can get your own job. Nobody ever got a job for me.

I then walked into the other room and he got distracted with a phone call. He texted me this morning that he needs cigarettes. I told him I'm really busy at work, can't talk right now.

He's relentless.

 

[BusynMember]

Oragami, that's good!!! But you spoke to him too much. He will be waiting with eagerness for dad's paycheck. I like Nancy Reagan's just say no.

"Are you going to buy me cigarettes?"

"Actually, we've decided that if you want to indulge in that bad habit, you buy them."

"Oh, come on. YOU smoke!" (I don't know if you do or not)

"The answer is no."

"But what about my rats?"

"Feed them veggies." Leave off "until Dad gets paid." "You are too old to get an allowanace, Son."

"But George, Pete, Dick and Joe get allowances!!!! You're a &@F#&."

No answer.

"Well?"

"No."

"You think it's easy to get a job?"

"Easy or hard, you still have to get one now."

He is snowing you here. It's not that hard to get a two bit job.

"So help me if it's so easy!!!"

"No."

"I'm going to wreck this house from top to bottom if you don't give me cigarette money. What will you do about THAT?"

"Call the police."

"You would not."

Shrug. "I'm going to end this conversation now. These are our answers, no subject to change, no matter what you do."

Walk away. Take a shower. Lock the door to your room. Go out and take a walk. And when he tries to bargain with you, refuse. "No."

I am getting very good at saying no. I wasn't at one time. It feels good to know I'm in charge of myself. You can do it too.

He doesn't need cigarettes. It's a terrible habit. I wouldn't ever buy them for him. He can quit or take butts off the ground to smoke then. I knew some people who did that...ewwwwwww...but they did. He is playing you big time.

 

[Tanya M]

Good job. Now you just need to stand firm. I agree with MWM that less talk is better. I learned this lesson the hard way with my own difficult child. I keep my answers very short and will not allow a dialog to happen, that is when they will use your own words against you and try to bait you.

K.I.S.S
Keep It Simple Sweetie

 

[2much2recover]

I then walked into the other room and he got distracted with a phone call. He texted me this morning that he needs cigarettes. I told him I'm really busy at work, can't talk right now.
He's relentless.

I don't know about your state but in our sate you can get free nicotine patches if you want to quit smoking. Tell him to call the health department to see if they are available.
You are doing GREAT Mamma!
Go back and re-read your post and you will see where he tries at every NO, to find a different way to get you to give in (by the way you owe him no excuses). Recognize it for the manipulations that is is. Also if things aren't going well between you two verbally trying texting - having the words in text, will give you additional time when you aren't stressed, to review and get a picture of how his mind works. It is amazing when you go to this kind of communication what your mind can see when it is written than how it is seen when the mind is trying to re-view it through memory. Also I would keep all my texts when we had gone through a turbulent time because it would educate me on what/how she was doing. It is hard to deny when it actually is, right there, in your face, in black and white.

 

[Origami]

I'm enjoying all your comments and encouragement so much, and MWM, you must be psychic since I think I could imagine the exact conversation happening. Do all our difficult children use the same tactics?

You're right, 2much, that even as I was writing the post I could see how he was trying to turn the conversation back to his advantage. It did feel good to say "no" and not cave in. As I said, he's relentless though, so I have to keep my guard up. Do not engage, do not engage, do not engage...

 

[BusynMember]

Oragami....lol....yes.

If they don't get what they want they just keep arguing, and their point is to make us feel guilty so that's what they try to do.

"I won't do my laundry. I'll just stink. But then DON'T EXPECT ME TO BE ABLE TO APPLY FOR A JOB."

Answer: "Ok."

"You don't care? You just said I had to get a job. Are you changing your mind now?"

"No."

"You're so screwed up. YOu don't know what the hey you want. It's you're fault I'm in this mess."

(I wouldn't answer to this sort of accusation)

difficult child gets in your face: "I'M TALKLING TO YOU! DON' T YOU DARE IGNORE ME, YOU (choose the word).

You: (looking straight into his eyes) If you don't back up and calm now, I will have to call 911 and you will have to leave the house. I am dead serious." (Go for your phone.)

Yes, I've had a conversation like this with my son. He backed off, mumbling some unflattering words about me, but it really threw him. He'd expected me to explode at him or give him a format to argue with him so he could gain ammunition.

 

[Tanya M]

He'd expected me to explode at him or give him a format to argue with him so he could gain ammunition.

Yes, yes, yes!! They expect us to explode and we don't it leaves them confused.
My difficult child is a master at talking you in circles, for every comment I would give him he would spin it off in another direction. Very much like MWM has displayed. He would leave me drained and confused. I have learned those simple statements and answers are best and at times just saying nothing at all.
Stay strong!!

 

[Hope_Floats]

Okay, I may be missing something, and this is probably a minor detail compared to what's really going on here, but, uh, why in the name of all that is sensible does a young adult man living with his parents with no job who can't even feed HIMSELF, have a pet, and RATS no less, that YOU are responsible to feed? Help me here, I don't get that one. I would advise him to sell those things on Craigslist if he needs some cash.....

 

[Origami]

Hope, I don't have an answer to that question at all, and it looks really silly spelled out like you did! He and girlfriend showed up one day with a rat they had bought at the pet store without my knowledge or permission. He swore they are the smartest, best animals in the world, he was going to train it, etc., and I believed him. I took him to get another one after we read that they shouldn't live alone. difficult child has played with them a few times since he got them but it's become the thing of me nagging him to clean their cage, etc. He's good about feeding them, but that's about it. Luckily, they're surprisingly clean and don't smell bad. Craigslist, hmmm---

I have learned those simple statements and answers are best and at times just saying nothing at all.

Tanya, this one is hard for me but I need to learn. I tend to overexplain and try to be logical, which usually doesn't work.

The conversation examples, MWM, are priceless. I'm going to practice them in front of a mirror.

 

[BusynMember]

I practiced them with my therapist. It was a lesson in not responding. I used to talk to much to my son and he'd take me around in circles. He doesn't get the chance to do that anymore.