How to respond?

[toughlovin]

Good for you Beta!!! You gave him the meesage that you love him....and I suspect after a bit he will feel bad about being so crummy to you. Much more effective than trying to make him see all you have done for him! I know when I stay calm and dont take the bait the results are much better.

 

[RN0441]

Ugh. I would probably ghost him for a while. And that has nothing to do with love. I certainly did that for my own sanity!!

 

[BusynMember1]

I can not speak for e everyone, but our situation with Kay is different. She knows we love her and how much we do. When we send her reminders that we love her, she seems even more hateful and demanding of us. I don't think, at least in our case, that Kay acts out because she is afraid we don't love her or that we will abandon her. Her anger is not about our love, although she will use that line of illogic. To her that is her way of manipulating us into buying her things. It worked well for her in the past. She used being adopted too.

And yet, yes, we would cry and send her the equivalent of $400 for that motel room that she did not appreciate. In the past. Not long ago.

Once we finally told her that we will always love her, but that we can't give her money anymore, she cut us off with a long-winded text about how we never loved her etc. So we haven't heard from her in a while. A few relatives she hasnt blocked from her FB account keep us up to date. We are being villified there, but no surprise. Hurtful, yes. At least she is not homeless. Not yet.

The time away from Kay has been mostly peaceful and almost a relief. That triggers my guilt, but it's true.

In my present state, I would probably ghost her too, if she treated me that way. Of course, I can't because she ghosted me first! It is what it is.

 

[Beta]

I am looking into starting some counseling. I may have found a therapist who has a sliding scale I can work with, and she is a Christian counselor, so I would feel a little more confident about anything she says, and she's a pastor's wife too! I'll update when I know for sure. Even if I only go once a month, having someone to talk to who hopefully understands better than I why I am such a co-dependent rescuer and how I can stop being one with Josh, would be tremendously helpful in navigating this.

 

[RN0441]

I feel that anything WE do to help ourselves ultimately helps our Difficult Child too!

 

[JayPee]

This is so insightful to hear others have experienced this as well.

My Younger son who had been away from me for 6 months but resurfaced when ex husband was back in hospital with his detox/serosis of the liver issues and called me to update me on his fathers condition. 40 minutes later we were engaged in an insane conversation about what I should have done in those years his father was drinking to have changed things etc. I ended up verbalizing on my Al anon knowledge I’ve learned in 2 1/2 years and felt like a nut case!

Even when I apologized because I didn’t know better at the time, I got blamed.

When I finally said I can’t handle this conversation anymore and needed to let him go, I got yelled at for that too because he was ready to do battle and I was putting the white flag up. He took that as a win for himself I think.

For myself I just sat staring at the wall for a 1/2 trying to detox for the lethal dose of insanity that just got me.

 

[WiseChoices]

This is so insightful to hear others have experienced this as well.

My Younger son who had been away from me for 6 months but resurfaced when ex husband was back in hospital with his detox/serosis of the liver issues and called me to update me on his fathers condition. 40 minutes later we were engaged in an insane conversation about what I should have done in those years his father was drinking to have changed things etc. I ended up verbalizing on my Al anon knowledge I’ve learned in 2 1/2 years and felt like a nut case!

Even when I apologized because I didn’t know better at the time, I got blamed.

When I finally said I can’t handle this conversation anymore and needed to let him go, I got yelled at for that too because he was ready to do battle and I was putting the white flag up. He took that as a win for himself I think.

For myself I just sat staring at the wall for a 1/2 trying to detox for the lethal dose of insanity that just got me.

It had been my experience that conversations like these are not productive and not healing for anyone involved . For one, this stuff (making amends or allowing someone to share their experience of something ) deserves a calm, in-person setting . As soon as tempers flare, the conversation has to be tabled. It should be an honest exchange and interest in the perspective of the other party. When you need to make amends for something you feel you made a mistake on, you just state the mistake and express your wish you had been able to handle the situation differently. As soon as we defend and explain , we hand power to the other person which is a very dangerous thing to do with teens and young adults who lack the perspective, life experience, and maturity to possibly understand what we were experiencing. In the type of conversation you describe, the other person is seeking to blame. And when we blame, we are not wanting to take responsibility for our own behavior and possible misgivings. So the conversation does not lead to anything positive.

 

[BusynMember1]

I agree with Wise. Part of Al Anon is to not enable insanity. Letting an addict engage us in nonsense conversations is insanity.

Our daughter is big into trying to talk about her government conspiracy theories, Big Pharma horror stories, how vaccinating kids is child abuse, and various other strange ideas she loves to fight about. She calls debating. She also often starts up about how her father and I made her the way she is. We refuse to fuel the fires of conversations that are just for conflict/drama/meanness/abuse. We don't yell or rage, except for Kay. We walk away. It drives Kay nuts.

But I feel better not fighting, even if I get off the phone shaking and crying.

We tried long ago to calmly defend and explain, but it made things worse. Now we only talk to Kay if she is trying to be nice, which is seldom. So we seldom talk. Lately we never talk.

But we feel more peaceful.

Yes, I have full days of guilt but will not go back.

I give her to God.