I’m learning

[Enmeshedmom]

I have not posted in a while, not a whole lot has changed with my son but it seems a lot is changing with me. Since starting alanon in January I am finally feeling like I have detached from my son for the most part. He is still living at home and following the house rules (which isn’t hard because he only sleeps here lately) and I am getting busy trying to get a life of my own instead of trying to stay one step ahead of him. He shares next to nothing with me about his outside life and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t still bother me but as of lately I have been able to let those thoughts kind of pass through me instead of obsessing about them for hours on end. I bought a bicycle last month and yesterday I rode 10 miles with my husband and my younger son. It was beautiful weather and it is a great workout so I was very happy. Things don’t seem as bad as they did before and it is not because he has changed, I have and so has my perspective. I know in the near future we will need to have a talk about him moving out and I don’t anticipate it going well but who knows... At my last meeting I heard another member share some that they had learned and that is that the first act of war is defensiveness, and if that doesn’t describe the ongoing conflict with my son I don’t know what does. We are defensive in the moment we enter the same room as each other because I think we both feel a strong urge to defend our positions. I am working hard to let it go from my side, that is all I can do.

 

[Tanya M]

We are defensive in the moment we enter the same room as each other because I think we both feel a strong urge to defend our positions. I am working hard to let it go from my side, that is all I can do.

I totally understand how you feel. The truth is, you should never have to defend your position with him in your own home. I don't know if this is true for you son, but my son, when he lived with us had an attitude of entitlement in regards to our home. He felt that I had no business going through "his" room. I reminded him time and time again that he lost all rights to privacy when he brought drugs into our home and I could go through anything in my house that I chose to. I reminded him that "his" room was afforded to him to stay in while he lived in our house, the one we pay the mortgage on.

I know in the near future we will need to have a talk about him moving out and I don’t anticipate it going well but who knows...

My suggestion is to make sure you and your husband are on the same page and have a laid out plan that you both agree to. Give your son a move out date that you and your husband agree upon and stick with it. Make it clear to your son that regardless of whether he has a plan in place or not, the move out date is set in stone.
This is where it can be really hard because your son may try to guilt you into letting him stay. There is nothing worse than your grown son crying and begging to let him stay. I hope it does not go that way when the time comes, I just want you to be prepared for all possible outcomes.

How wonderful that you went for that nice long bike ride. It's so good to do things for yourself.

Hang in there!!

 

[Enmeshedmom]

Thank you for your reply. I should have been more specific I guess. When I say defend our positions what I mean is that we both feel like we have to defend who we are as people. Thankfully we don’t have the issue of him bringing pot in the house anymore, at least to my knowledge. I will confess that I don’t search his room anymore and won’t unless I feel like it is necessary. I’ve decided not to make it my full time job to be one step ahead of him. He has to make his own choices and suffer his own consequences when he makes bad ones.