I am afraid of my 19 year old sons temper

[JayPee]

My younger son who has ADHD and PTSD and was an avid pot smoker was volatile, mentally unstable and brought friends into our home along with girls at all hours of the night. No respect whatsoever. The police were at our home regularly.

What I can tell you is that it is not easy to put them out. My son’s behavior scared me and my husband at the time.

The only way you will have any peace is by him leaving. Our homes need to be our safe place.

It was as a very long and difficult road to finally getting him out. I am not a professional but in my opinion and experience it will be hard for you to focus on yourself with him there.

I think as suggested Al anon is a good place to start. “ Al anon is not a magic potion that will instantly cure all your ills, but a pattern of living that will serve you to exactly the degree you work it.”

Getting a healthier mindset will begin to allow you to set boundaries and keep them.

Get a good support system like Al anon, try to read books on setting boundaries with adult children, prayer and therapy if you can.

Will keep you in my prayers.

 

[BusynMember1]

Jay Pee made a good point. It is harder to do the program while they are there. But in my group of about ten, several are still married to the addict and they still drink/use/both and they live together. They just learn how to do the program as best they can without enabling. Many who have come and gone have gotten divorced over time. Some come for their kids who are addicts, like us, and usually by the time they come, the kids no longer live at home. But some do at least at first.

In our group the focus is on us. We take turns talking and nobody can interrupt us, argue, or give advice. There is mostly talk about situations from our point of view and what worked for us. There is little talk about the addicts struggle because the program is for us to learn to deal better with having an addicted love one. If time permits we have cross talk at the end. Sometimes we go out for coffee afterward and talk more there.

I am sure each program is different. We have mostly women of various ages whom I love and trust. My husband is one of two men.

I have one more suggestion. I learned that breaking things is violence. If you are afraid of your son they have domestic abuse shelters everywhere and your child CAN be the abuser. I have never gone so I don't know much about that. But I do know there are places to stay overnight at at our shelter and trained counselors to talk to. Your son should never hurt you any more than you would allow anyone else to hurt you.

Have a blessed night. Try not to worry

 

[Misty@0545]

Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I agree with everything you took the time to tell me and I am going to follow the advice.

 

[JayPee]

Just to clarify I agree with Busy that many continue Al anon while still married to an alcoholic. What I meant is due to your fear of his potential violence on you or your property that I feel you’d have a tougher time to focus on you.

I’ve lived with that fear and that is the main reason I will not let younger son live with me ever again. It’s a trigger for me. His mental instability and unpredictability of his behavior caused me so much stress and anxiety. I used to get so easily startled about anything.

 

[BusynMember1]

Alcoholics Anonymous and Al Anon are two very seperate programs. Alcoholics Anonymous is for the addict. Al Anon is for those who are not addicts but are loving and usually overly engaged with an addict. We have one Al Anon member who goes to both because he is a sober addict (he is clean 30 years but still struggles with addict personality traits) and now his grown son is an addict. His son, who lives far away, takes drugs and calls him up for rescues and money. This man will not give his son a dime nor listen to him abuse him. He just won't. He says he is an addict too and knows all the tricks and his son gets no sympathy from him. Its Its interesting to hear about. His son and wife are on the streets down south.

 

[WiseChoices]

Alcoholics Anonymous and Al Anon are two very seperate programs. Alcoholics Anonymous is for the addict. Al Anon is for those who are not addicts but are loving and usually overly engaged with an addict. We have one Al Anon member who goes to both because he is a sober addict (he is clean 30 years but still struggles with addict personality traits) and now his grown son is an addict. His son, who lives far away, takes drugs and calls him up for rescues and money. This man will not give his son a dime nor listen to him abuse him. He just won't. He says he is an addict too and knows all the tricks and his son gets no sympathy from him. Its Its interesting to hear about. His son and wife are on the streets down south.

Yes, I hear the same. I attend both programs because I used alcohol and drugs to deal with my relationship with myself in my twenties (got sober at 24), but also am married to a recovering addict and have adult children issues from having been raised in an alcoholic family .I have been listening to some excellent AA speakers recently on YouTube (White Chip channel) and the AAs all say the same: tough love the addict . Nothing else will work. They have to find their bottom before they will reach out for help and want to change .They have to come to the end of themselves.

 

[BusynMember1]

They are the people who truly know what works for them. Now that doesn't mean we are able to do it all the time. But I do think it is best for our addicted kids if we do what sober addicts tell us. We are finally listening.

One thing. Not all addicts quit no matter what.

But I finally believe that we don't have to help them or make it easy for them to abuse substances including pot and to abuse us. I dont believe anyone can have a normal relationship with a using addict, even chronic pot. Pot is dangerous for Kay and certain orhers.

 

[WiseChoices]

Pot and/or alcohol are not the problem .It is the answer to how untreated alcoholics/addicts feel inside .My son will tell me how "pot saved his life" . How he was depressed and pot made him feel better. It's self medicating .And it works - for a while. Eventually, drugs and alcohol stop working and become the Master of the person . The problem is not the substance but the relationship of the person to themselves .It is how they feel about themselves, their cognitive distortions, and their feelings which run the show. It is self will run riot.

When we "help" , ie enable and when we accept abuse, we take away the consequences of their choices . So we prolong and contribute to the problem.

We didn't cause it, cant control it, and can't cure it, but we can contribute to it.

 

[BusynMember1]

I do think pot is the problem for Kay. It makes her worse, it is readily available, and it keeps her unmotivated and she feels out of it enough to not get more proven ways jof help.She could really use maybe CBT or DBT therapy or legal medications or both. This is definitely how I see things regarding my daughter.

Ugh. I hate pot. Many people with the very common yet distressing mental health problems of depression and anxiety DO go for proper help. And both problems are highly treatable. Kay will only use pot. There are other options for her, but she insists pot is the only answer. Drives me nuts. We would have sent her, paid in full, to any respectable place for therapy. We still would.

Kay will either get that help or never improve. She desperately needs good therapy, but pot lets her stumble through each day in a fog so she won't. It is a heartbreaker for us and we have detached. That doesn't mean our hearts are not broken.

Wise, you do make very good points. Thanks.

 

[Misty@0545]

Justins main issue is pot ,,and occasionally pills. The pot has made him unmotivated and he drifts through his days doing nothing. He cant pass a drug test for a decent job and refuses what is beneath him jobs(which are not) i know he has depression and ptsd which was diagnosed with school evaluation. I want him to get mental heath help but he refuses but i would also be afraid he would abuse medication if given any. He has gone to therapy in the past and sat with arms crossed so after a while i would switch doctors hoping he would connect with one. The one therapist he spoke to(school evaluation dr) he told him things he remembered about my ex abusing me i never would think he would remember. I wish there was a way to get a court mandated command to seek help.

 

[Misty@0545]

It doesnt help that his friends sell pills. I have called crime stoppers police and no one does anything. He has one troubled friend who is the kindest soul when sober and would sleep here once in a while until the night i went into the room and he was so high from pills he was passing out. I made my son get a cab and take him home to his sister. I didnt want to be responsible for another young 19 year old in that way. I haven't had him back since

 

[JayPee]

If we could bring them by the hand and sit in on the therapy sessions and be allowed to give our input on what’s really going on and what they’re prescribing to our adult children that would be amazing.

I’ve had two instances where my 26 yr old who also has PTSD and ADHD had such bizarre behavior I couldn’t even believe the therapist wasn’t picking up on it. I ended faxing them my observations on his behavior because that’s the only way I could communicate to them per their request. They then bumped up his session to meet with him. In the session they must have told him I sent a letter.

He then decided not to go anymore.

So frustrating.

 

[Misty@0545]

My son would do the same he would deny and not go anymore. I record his rants and flipping out on my phone and play it back ,but got to becareful cause he said he would take my phone and break it so i dont play it back anymore

 

[BusynMember1]

It wouldn't help for us to sit there with them in therapy. The only thing that would matter is if the person agreed to the treatment. All we would get by talking to the therapist is giving our input, which they may or may not believe, or having them believe us and have more knowledge of our kid.

But they have no more legal power than we do to force the person into treatment. So what would be the point?

Even court mandated treatment may entice them to sit through a program or go to prison. But nothing can force the addict to really have the mindset to quit long-term. Many finish rehab for self serving reasons then when released go right back to using. Or they leave rehab early or break the rules.

In the end, it always comes down to one factor. The addict or mentally ill person can not be forced to get well. Only the person can decide to do that.

This makes me tired, just typing it. Yet I know it is true. We do need to get other focuses in life. We can do nothing to help the person get well.

God bless.

 

[RN0441]

Misty welcome and so truly sorry for what you are going through.

Do you have any other children? Do you have any family or friends or any type of support system?

My son started his tirade at age 15. He will now be 24 on Monday and we are now on the other side of it.....we were lucky.

He started with MJ and it escalated to abusing benzos and pain pills. We did not worry too much initially with the MJ as both husband and I had used as teens. We did not escalate to the degree he did with other drugs.

Our son grew up in a loving and calm home with two older brothers - one from each of our first marriages and our youngest is ours together. He sat arms folded at therapy also and did not feel that anything was wrong with him. I knew something was but did not know if it was drugs or mental illness. He was a great child until teen years hit.

We had police come many times, we had things stolen, and we experienced many of the behaviors that you mentioned. These behaviors have been experienced by most of us here in one form or another.

I found this site and that is when things began to change. That is when it all started to make sense.

He was not going to change - we tried it all - so we had to change.

Finally at the age of 20 after being forced into yet another rehab we told him he could no longer live with us. He agreed to go to sober living in Florida (very affordable). We had hoped he'd get a job and go to college. No promise of returning to our home - we lived in Chicago suburbs at the time. He did good for a while in Florida and then he didn't. He was in and out of rehabs there. I did not see him. Husband would visit. I could no longer handle watching him try to destroy himself. I had started seeing a therapist to learn boundaries and detachment.

He overdosed on his girlfriend's mother's pain medications in Florida on Father's Day. He was getting worse. Husband and I realized that he may die from this. We had to accept that.

The saving grace for us was sending him to a faith based 11 month program in Memphis. Actually they are all over the country. He went in kicking and screaming and actually ran out of the place. My husband drove away. Left him in a strange state in a bad neighborhood. We were done. We were not playing this game anymore. I was terrfied. This was it. Husband had promised him he could come home if he finished the program.

The program changed him. Actually getting God back into his heart changed him. He's not the same broken person that he once was. He has matured a lot and now has goals. He knows that we do not have to let him live with us. He has to follow our rules. We are only helping him until he is able to get his own place. It is temporary. I must say it is nice to have my son back but it is not easy. I have PTSD now and am overly sensitive to everything as it relates to him. The past haunts me.

A close friend buried her son in July from a heroin overdose in her own home. Don't think that if you stop this madness you will push him to overdose. They use a lot of tactics to try to manipulate us. It's the drugs talking. The addiction. To me it is like fighting the Devil himself. I have been through a lot in my life but nothing and I mean nothing prepared me for this fight.

Keep reading and posting here and get yourself some help for you. Your son won't change until he is ready. It could be many years for you like it was for us. You have to build up yourself or you won't make it through it. It doesn't mean we don't love our children. We have to put our oxygen on first.

 

[JayPee]

It wouldn't help for us to sit there with them in therapy. The only thing that would matter is if the person agreed to the treatment. All we would get by talking to the therapist is giving our input, which they may or may not believe, or having them believe us and have more knowledge of our kid.

But they have no more legal power than we do to force the person into treatment. So what would be the point?

Even court mandated treatment may entice them to sit through a program or go to prison. But nothing can force the addict to really have the mindset to quit long-term. Many finish rehab for self serving reasons then when released go right back to using. Or they leave rehab early or break the rules.

In the end, it always comes down to one factor. The addict or mentally ill person can not be forced to get well. Only the person can decide to do that.

This makes me tired, just typing it. Yet I know it is true. We do need to get other focuses in life. We can do nothing to help the person get well.

God bless.

Very well put..

 

[JayPee]

I recently read in a book I'm re-reading by Joyce Meyer-"The Battle Belongs to the Lord" the following:

We wrestle (war) not against flesh and blood but against principalities, powers, against rulers of the darkness of the world, against spiritual wickedness in high places (Ephesians 6:12 KJV).

So RN I can easily understand how your son was saved by the 11 month faith based program.

 

[WiseChoices]

Misty welcome and so truly sorry for what you are going through.

Do you have any other children? Do you have any family or friends or any type of support system?

My son started his tirade at age 15. He will now be 24 on Monday and we are now on the other side of it.....we were lucky.

He started with MJ and it escalated to abusing benzos and pain pills. We did not worry too much initially with the MJ as both husband and I had used as teens. We did not escalate to the degree he did with other drugs.

Our son grew up in a loving and calm home with two older brothers - one from each of our first marriages and our youngest is ours together. He sat arms folded at therapy also and did not feel that anything was wrong with him. I knew something was but did not know if it was drugs or mental illness. He was a great child until teen years hit.

We had police come many times, we had things stolen, and we experienced many of the behaviors that you mentioned. These behaviors have been experienced by most of us here in one form or another.

I found this site and that is when things began to change. That is when it all started to make sense.

He was not going to change - we tried it all - so we had to change.

Finally at the age of 20 after being forced into yet another rehab we told him he could no longer live with us. He agreed to go to sober living in Florida (very affordable). We had hoped he'd get a job and go to college. No promise of returning to our home - we lived in Chicago suburbs at the time. He did good for a while in Florida and then he didn't. He was in and out of rehabs there. I did not see him. Husband would visit. I could no longer handle watching him try to destroy himself. I had started seeing a therapist to learn boundaries and detachment.

He overdosed on his girlfriend's mother's pain medications in Florida on Father's Day. He was getting worse. Husband and I realized that he may die from this. We had to accept that.

The saving grace for us was sending him to a faith based 11 month program in Memphis. Actually they are all over the country. He went in kicking and screaming and actually ran out of the place. My husband drove away. Left him in a strange state in a bad neighborhood. We were done. We were not playing this game anymore. I was terrfied. This was it. Husband had promised him he could come home if he finished the program.

The program changed him. Actually getting God back into his heart changed him. He's not the same broken person that he once was. He has matured a lot and now has goals. He knows that we do not have to let him live with us. He has to follow our rules. We are only helping him until he is able to get his own place. It is temporary. I must say it is nice to have my son back but it is not easy. I have PTSD now and am overly sensitive to everything as it relates to him. The past haunts me.

A close friend buried her son in July from a heroin overdose in her own home. Don't think that if you stop this madness you will push him to overdose. They use a lot of tactics to try to manipulate us. It's the drugs talking. The addiction. To me it is like fighting the Devil himself. I have been through a lot in my life but nothing and I mean nothing prepared me for this fight.

Keep reading and posting here and get yourself some help for you. Your son won't change until he is ready. It could be many years for you like it was for us. You have to build up yourself or you won't make it through it. It doesn't mean we don't love our children. We have to put our oxygen on first.

This seems to show, once again, that tough love is all that works. Putting them out, leaving them at rehab, making firm boundaries of what we will do . I am so glad your son is on a better path. Does he make regular meetings, Na or AA?

 

[Misty@0545]

I am so glad i found the support of this group. Everything i read i feel like you are living my life. I am so exhausted with what my son is doing. I wish i had a partner to share the burdon with. I do not have any other children and i dont have any support staff as i dont want to burden my mother with what she can do nothing about. I smoked mj and dabbled with drugs when i was a young adult but never to the point where it affected my everyday life

 

[RN0441]

Wise:

My son is not sober. He actually drinks beer but that is it. He also smokes MJ at times but not in my home. He has not used any pills or other drugs in over 2 years. My husband and I both drink socially so I feel I would be a hypocrite to expect him not to as long as he is moving forward in his life and does what he is supposed to do. He is working almost full time and in welding school and knows he needs to be on his own eventually.

When he first drank I freaked out but we have had a lot of conversations and now I am okay with it. It is not perfect but it is working for us.