I am sad and at a loss

[Copabanana]

Here , in the UK , they say prisons offer help with mental illness but in reality , theres little help.

I worked for 30 years in prison psychiatry here in the States. There is help here. Mostly medication but also regular counseling. They can't force medication on inmates unless they meet specific criteria. But there is help. I know that to be true.

My son has paranoid delusions. While not as extreme for us (as of yet) I identify with your situation. At one point he picked up a machete and chased people off of a property I own. That's pretty bad. I've had no trespass orders and I've threatened a restraining order, but he keeps away from my property now.

I try to focus on what keeps me safe. Including what makes me feel emotionally safe. What made me feel emotionally safe, is very little contact with my son. Even talking, distresses me. I do not feel guilty. I feel it is my responsibility to protect myself. There is all the help in the world available to my son, provided by society. It is no longer my responsibility to shoulder.

I get physically ill when I talk to my son and worry about him. I get angina. Bad, bad heart pain and I have to take nitroglycerine. That is just going too far, I think you've reached that point, too.

In this country, they don't have to charge them with a crime to get a restraining order. It's about a potential threat of a crime against you. I think you're making assumptions based on fear, for yourself, and for him. That is immobilizing you. One way to look at your situation is that your only responsibility now is to keep yourself safe. Other than that, It's society's responsibility, and your son's.

There have been mothers here in your exact situation. Feelingsad came here 9 years ago, when she got a restraining order on her son who was living with her who had psychotic delusions and threatened to kill her, and had a knife. He was not arrested. He only needed to leave the house. It was a horrible situation but she healed and went on to make a life.

 

[MandaC]

Thanks. Yes, from what i can gather mental health treatment in the states is far better than here in the UK full stop. I did go to the police last year , after my son smashed the back windscreen of my car whilst i was sitting in it just looking for them to issue some kind of warning to him not to come near me again but they said they couldnt do that... that they would have to charge him so i left it. Yesterday he came to my door 3 times , shouting " Mum" through the letter box but i ignored him. Im feeling that i can stand my ground now even though its hard as i know he doesnt have a penny to eat , buy electricity and therefore cant charge his phone. I feel sick about that but i know i cant give in this time. I have to stop the cycle.

 

[MandaC]

Absolutely terrifying, it is my fear also when my daughter gets out. First of all protecting yourself is number one priority, pray for all others who come into his path. Good on you for taking these steps such as no money and distance yourself from him. Our jail here in Florida where my daughter is at are the same, very little help for those who are mentally ill other than giving them medication if they so want it. The incident where I was attacked and did not call the police, did not want to see her go back. But, if he is mentally unstable and carrying a weapon…going back to jail might be the absolute best place for him right now. It’s a tough call.

Yes. It is a tough call. Im going to try this final tactic first, the one i should have done a long time ago...ignoring the door ( 3 times yesterday), no money given etc and see if once he realizes he has noone , not even his soft Mum any more that it might make him realize he needs help and go get it.

 

[MandaC]

And i know w

I worked for 30 years in prison psychiatry here in the States. There is help here. Mostly medication but also regular counseling. They can't force medication on inmates unless they meet specific criteria. But there is help. I know that to be true.

My son has paranoid delusions. While not as extreme for us (as of yet) I identify with your situation. At one point he picked up a machete and chased people off of a property I own. That's pretty bad. I've had no trespass orders and I've threatened a restraining order, but he keeps away from my property now.

I try to focus on what keeps me safe. Including what makes me feel emotionally safe. What made me feel emotionally safe, is very little contact with my son. Even talking, distresses me. I do not feel guilty. I feel it is my responsibility to protect myself. There is all the help in the world available to my son, provided by society. It is no longer my responsibility to shoulder.

I get physically ill when I talk to my son and worry about him. I get angina. Bad, bad heart pain and I have to take nitroglycerine. That is just going too far, I think you've reached that point, too.

In this country, they don't have to charge them with a crime to get a restraining order. It's about a potential threat of a crime against you. I think you're making assumptions based on fear, for yourself, and for him. That is immobilizing you. One way to look at your situation is that your only responsibility now is to keep yourself safe. Other than that, It's society's responsibility, and your son's.

There have been mothers here in your exact situation. Feelingsad came here 9 years ago, when she got a restraining order on her son who was living with her who had psychotic delusions and threatened to kill her, and had a knife. He was not arrested. He only needed to leave the house. It was a horrible situation but she healed and went on to make a life.

hat you mean about even talking to him causing you distress. Thats how i feel right now. I dont want to see his face or hear his voice anymore. The thought of it makes me really anxious. I even feel nervous and jumpy in my own home at the slightest sudden noise. I just wish the guilt would go away . Of knowing hes no money, noone and here i am deserting him . But i know i need to do this tough love. I even feel guilt in saying i dont want to hear his voice. What if he died? Id really never hear his voice again.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

And i know w

hat you mean about even talking to him causing you distress. Thats how i feel right now. I dont want to see his face or hear his voice anymore. The thought of it makes me really anxious. I even feel nervous and jumpy in my own home at the slightest sudden noise. I just wish the guilt would go away . Of knowing hes no money, noone and here i am deserting him . But i know i need to do this tough love. I even feel guilt in saying i dont want to hear his voice. What if he died? Id really never hear his voice again.

You and I share similar thoughts, I too do not wish to speak or see my daughter again. If she died somehow would I feel guilty in not taking that last opportunity? Can tell you truthfully the answer is no. Would be tragic no doubt for me but my heart knows we did everything possible in the world for her and then some. There just is nothing else to do.

My husband and I have not had electricity at times. It really stinks but, you still manage. Far as his not eating, here we have services that will give out food for a months time, soup kitchens who feed people daily…do you have those there? My hope is that by you holding your ground he will come to know you are serious. No more means no more.

I have 3 Ring cameras set up around my house. I know for a fact when my daughter gets out of jail am going to be jumping out of my skin any time they go off. If my situation with her becomes a nightmare, we will move if need be just for our sanity…we are worth having a peaceful life. Told my husband so if we avoid this crisis, she does not show up like I think she will…it’s always going to be there, any minute coming back to us time and again. I will not feel free to open my patio door or windows for fresh air, to go outside by myself, definitely don’t want to run into her at a grocery store I will just leave if I were to see her. This is how determined I am, don’t want to hear the manipulating lies she will tell and make me feel worse than I do now.

 

[MandaC]

Yes, its a sunny day here today and im worried about going out to cut my grass incase he turns up again. I would know that id tried everything but i still would be want to die if anything bad happened to him. But your right, we have food banks etc here, hel get help if he looks for it but because i know he must have either no electricity or has lost or broken his phone again so therefor how can he arrange these things. But , hes not stupid , he can walk to these places.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Yes, its a sunny day here today and im worried about going out to cut my grass incase he turns up again. I would know that id tried everything but i still would be want to die if anything bad happened to him. But your right, we have food banks etc here, hel get help if he looks for it but because i know he must have either no electricity or has lost or broken his phone again so therefor how can he arrange these things. But , hes not stupid , he can walk to these places.

The plan my husband and I have for when she gets out is to let the police handle her if she comes here. We also will have a packet of papers for her, she can apply for free bus transit and food places. But unfortunately here in Florida everything is so spaced out you need a car to get anywhere. She has her license suspended yet again and her car was repossessed. I don’t know how she is going to figure this one out but, I am not doing anything to help her.

I know we are supposed to be empowering ourselves and not fear but, when you’re dealing with mentally unstable people who refuse medication and are violent the fear is real. My daughter has told us the voices said to kill us, she had gotten mad one day the bank did not do things her way and came out to my car and said she wish that she had a gun, would blow everyone in there up. Just to name a few things. If you’re able to get a restraining order, maybe put that in place now……God forbid you need it. My petition for one was denied by a judge, guess attacking me and her multiple times in jail because of anger and violence issues was not enough???

 

[Copabanana]

. Of knowing hes no money, noone and here i am deserting him

He has deserted himself. You are only responding to the reality of the situation. Does two drowning people make sense? Then, there's really no hope, if you go down with him. You'd be pulling each other down.