I am so sad right now!!

[sooooo tired]

I live by myself so I guess it gives me way to much time to think!! It has been 3 weeks now since my daughter went off on me because I refuse to let her live with me. She just keeps going for my juggler !! I wish so badly that there wasn't a 3 year old involved, because I wouldn't have a problem if it was just her. I think on down the road how he is never going to get a normal life and she will just ruin him!! He will never get to be in anything in school because she never has a way to get there, He will never know what its like to live in a clean nicely kept home where he has his own room. He will never feel stability with her. He told me the other day that mommy and daddy yell and they say really bad words!! It breaks my heart!! He is so special, so smart, and he will never have a chance with her!! From what I have researched she definitely fits the diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder, and from what I've read there is not much to treat it except intense therapy and she will never do that! She has been to psychiatrists, counselors, therapists, and she is so good at telling them what they want to hear that she doesn't feel she has a problem! Since my middle daughter had her first baby,my Difficult Child is always making comments like he is more important then her 3 year old!! I love them both soooo much,but I work full time and yes I now have to split my time with them AND try to have time for me !! I think she is mad because I don't take him as often and she doesn't get a break. I don't know I am so tired of thinking about everything and trying to make sense of it...It devours all my alone time at night. There is just no solution but to sit back and watch everything unfold! I feel helpless. She has 4 kids 20,17,12,and 3 the two oldest boys are on their own, the 12 year old little girl lives with her dad and step mom and is very well taken care of, but she never sees her....and then she meets baby daddy number 4 and has the little one!!! I know I am rambling, but I cant seem to stop thinking about everything!! I am to the point where it is making me physically sick. I know I have to come to grips with it and take care of myself, But I just seem to keep letting it consume me!!!

 

[Childofmine]

Hi so tired and I am so sorry about your daughter and your grandchildren. I know that Must hurt you badly.

But let's break it down. What can you do, really?

Let her live with you? What would that do? She continues and then not only do you have yourself to take care of but you have a grandchild and a very dysfunctional adult. Do you really think that would work longer than a day or two?

The second alternative is to try to get your grandchild. Are to ready to do this?

Another alternative is to help him get away from her and with a family who wants a small child.

I know none of these are good solutions.

What are you worth? You did your job as a parent. What now is your job? I know all of these are personal questions and personal decisions and I am not really asking you to answer them.

But please...think of yourself. It is perfectly okay to decide what you can and can't do. It is okay to put yourself first. It is not selfish. I believe we, as women in our culture today, are way over-conditioned to putting everyone in the world before ourselves. As the oldest child of four I certainly was. I always put myself last. I have had to learn how to value myself in these later years.

These issues are very hard. Please know we are with you here and we care.

 

[Tanya M]

I think on down the road how he is never going to get a normal life and she will just ruin him!! He will never get to be in anything in school because she never has a way to get there, He will never know what its like to live in a clean nicely kept home where he has his own room.

I would like you to try to change your way of thinking. You are projecting out things that may not come to pass.
There are people who have been raised in horrible conditions with parents who could really care less about them and despite that they go on to thrive in life.
Instead of saying your grandson "will never" say something like "he will overcome" It really is possible and putting out positive energy is always better than putting out negative energy.

I do know how much it breaks your heart but you have to remember that you have no control over their lives.

Instead of sitting at home maybe you can find a support group to join or take some kind of class. Get a Rosetta Stone and learn another language. Try and find something to occupy your time and mind.

COM has also given you some things to think about.

I know I am rambling, but I cant seem to stop thinking about everything!! I am to the point where it is making me physically sick. I know I have to come to grips with it and take care of myself, But I just seem to keep letting it consume me!!!

You can ramble all you want. That's what we are here for. Also, listen to yourself, you know what you need to do, you said it, you need to take care of yourself.

You are doing much better than you are giving yourself credit for.

((HUGS)) to you.........................

 

[HeadlightsMom]

sooooo tired --- I'm so sorry to hear how rough it's been for you (and all of you involved, actually). I feel your heart about your grandchild. It's so hard when small children are involved.

I really like what both COM and Tanya M said about considering yourself and not getting too far ahead in projecting out "possible" events (I've been the queen of this at times, so, believe me, no judgment there! I relate!). At a certain point, I mostly just had to let go, though. For me it felt like I was running a marathon and I just flat-out ran out of gas at mile 20 or so. Didn't matter that there were 6 more possible miles to run.........I was out of gas. And that was that.

But letting go of most (not all...I'm still prone to it at times) of the projecting out the "what if's" has been critical for my sanity. I think you deserve that break, too. Some time for you.......your enjoyment and refreshment.

My heart goes out to you. Take care and know that we're all wishing all the best for you and your situation!

 

[InsaneCdn]

It sounds like you take that grandson when you can. Please do not underestimate the effect you have on his life. What he sees in your home is different than his home. What he feels there is different. These things have a major impact. To the extent it works for you, stay involved in his life. When he is older (tween/teen), he may really appreciate having another adult to listen to - someone more rational, more balanced.

I know people who grew up in tough situations. The most stabilizing relationship was a grandparent or uncle or aunt... extended family who could love, care, share... and the impact was night and day. All it takes is one person to make a difference in a person's life.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I wish so badly that there wasn't a 3 year old involved, because I wouldn't have a problem if it was just her

Your daughter knows this about you, So Tired. She will use what she knows about the good heart in you to hurt you, to bend you to her will. That you know this can be a good thing. There is nothing pleasant or right about what happens to all of us when our kids are in this kind of trouble. It comforts me to know that it is not the child who is bad. It is not us who are bad, who are wrong in some way we cannot figure out. It is the situation that is bad. Once we can see that true thing, then we can figure out how to respond correctly to the situation. That was the piece that had me so hung up over detachment. I did not want to detach from my child. I wanted him (or her) to stop doing what they were doing.

When the child is afflicted with an illness, or has stumbled into something so hellish as addiction, they are responding to and from that reality. We can choose to respond from our new understanding that we had nothing to do with how this started. That is what the other moms mean when they say things like: Not my monkey, not my circus.

I never could get that.

Those are my monkeys.

But what they really meant was that we need to see this whole thing differently. We need to respond, not to the child, but to the situation.

I do not know how you will respond to your daughter's situation. I do know that if you can see that the situations she creates are designed, are tailor made to bring you into line with what she wants, then you can choose an appropriate response to the situation.

I needed to put that kind of distance between myself and what was happening too, before I could respond appropriately to the situations my kids were presenting. But once I could see it the way it is, then I was not guilty for something I could not even put my finger on that I must have done wrong or badly.

And that changed everything.

And I was able to take charge of my own emotional responses.

And because I wasn't swamped by fear or sadness or regret or pain or that forever feeling of searching and searching the same territory over and over again for where I'd gone wrong, I could stand up and require appropriate change through my responses.

And it turned out I'd had the power to do that, and the power to do so many things that needed doing. And I'd had it all the time and I never even knew that.

Huh.

This is what I would say about your daughter's threats and behaviors. You are her mother. She doesn't get to change that. If she didn't believe this would work, she would be trying some other thing. It is your job, now that we all find ourselves in these impossible situations with our kids, to see that those other things she will surely try next don't work for her either.

That is why things like: "You were raised better." "I love you." "I believe in you. I know you can turn this thing around." "I expect better from you." "I need you to stand up and become the man (or woman) your father and I raised you to be."

And I get it that you are alone now? But her father wants better for her than this, too.

So maybe that could help you, today.

I'm sorry for the hurt of it, So Tired. But you have been hurt worse in your life and come through it with flying colors, I just know it. It gets to be a question of how we see our situations with our children and grands. If we come at this from those good, strong positions that are doable in families where these terrible things are not happening to everyone, we will slip right into enabling without hardly having time to blink.

One of the other moms posted about doing things for your grands from a distance. She is very correct. My grandmother would send things in the mail. When she did see us? She loved us wholeheartedly, and was so happy to see us, to look into our eyes and really see us. And so I was able to come through some terrible things with the capacity to see, and try to do, the right thing, anyway.

So, whatever situation your daughter creates, you are not a victim; you can refuse to allow her to turn you into a victim. Especially when you know in your heart that if your daughter were thinking correctly, she would never in a million years want to see you hurt as she is hurting you, deliberately and with malicious intent, now.

Our situations with our children are really hard things. So many terrible things happen, and we may all never recover ourselves into family because it just all hurts too much.

But here too I think, if we can see so clearly that it is the situation that is bad, not us, and not our kids, then maybe, we can even somehow come through this terrible time.

And the next.

When our kids are in this kind of trouble, the bad things just seem to keep happening. I am sorry for that ~ that you have to know these kinds of things about your own children, like we do, here on the site. But we are here, and you do have us. And to not be alone with it anymore, trying to figure out something I just couldn't wrap my head or my heart around, that made all the difference in the world, for me.

Cedar