I called 911 last week re my 20 yo. Looking for support and suggestions going forward

[Ascending]

Book that was recommended as having helped someone with addiction who had tried all sorts of approaches but finally found help from is: Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpey.

It and everyone I have talked with agree that the desire to recover has to be in the person with the addiction, or nothing works. But a lot of things seem not to work well even if the person themselves wants to change.

 

[Ascending]

Yes, we have significant overlap, right down to the crutches, as I am currently experiencing some knee/hip issues and may need surgery. And yes, my son, actually my biological nephew, is adopted. We do not live in a weed legal state and I would agree, that does put a different perspective on things.

If you click on my name or do a search, I think you can find previous posts and read some of my story. It got bad last December when he was in jail in another state and had a psychotic break. I got great advice from the people here at the time and I am so grateful to them.

Unfortunately, even after his begging and pleading to get him out of jail, (he was there 6 months), saying he wanted treatment, blah, blah, blah…it was not enough to get him past the 3 month mark in a treatment center—his third in 2 years. He always manages to break the rules, have a bad attitude and end up getting kicked out.

His drug of choice was weed, but when he couldn’t get it he started smoking meth and that’s when all his troubles began. He committed a (non-violent) crime and is now on probation for 3 years. However, he blew a real good opportunity when he walked away from the last treatment center as they would have helped him with jobs, life skills, all those things he desperately needs to make it in this world. And, to be honest, I’ve kinda had it with him. I love him but I am not currently in contact. I need a break.

I am a little short on time but I will add more later. I’ve been wanting to post an update, but tbh, it’s just hard to get the words out sometimes. Another failure…he’s 21. He needs to grow up some before anything we can do for him will actually benefit him, and we’re done for awhile.

I hope you will stick to your guns about him living with you. It never seems to turn out well for many of us.

I would be interested in hearing more about getting “unaddicted.” My son has absolutely zero motivation, but I’m still interested.

The best to you!

See above post for book title

The other thing that someone said actually worked remarkably well was a subliminal type audio program:

See next post as I find and post it

 

[Ascending]

Search: 4 results found for "substance abuse"

InnerTalk - the only subliminal self-help technology that is patented, proven, guaranteed. Change your InnerTalk and watch the improvements in your life. Self help, self improvement, and personal empowerment MP3s, CDs, Videos and Books, utilizing subliminal technology, hypnosis, brain...

www.innertalk-store.com

And might help some of us who are parents though the person who recommended it didn’t have the parent experience to know for sure

 

[Ascending]

In Sheep’s Clothing by George K Simon has been a godsend for me.


I recommend for anyone with a child who is “difficult” to at least look and see if it might apply. I think it’s easy to miss manipulating going on when one is in the midst of it or have gotten tolerant or dismissed bad behavior due to (whatever issues pertain).

 

[Ascending]

Can we edit posts? Like if I discovered I was wanting to reply LOL to :

So, now he’s vowing to never return to earth. Would he like an all expense paid trip to Mars? Tell him you’ll finance it if he agrees to never come back.

But chose Mirabelle’s more serious comment accidentally?

Ah . Never mind! I found how! But also that it seems to have time cut off or something so I can’t edit any post.

 

[Nandina]

I think you have 5 minutes after sending a post to go back and edit it. But I agree, that was a real lol! Good sense of humor, Crayola, we need that sometimes!

 

[BusynMember]

Hi. I am so sorry. All I can say is, been there, done that, have the tee shirt.

Your son, however, is not like he was as a child of 7, and you will find that you can't help him unless he is motivated to do most of the work. He is an adult even if immature and childish. All of our kids are emotionally young. He is still an adult and big, strong, dangerous if he comes at you and he legally doesn't have to listen to you. And being an adult, he 99% probably won't listen to you. We give ourselves too much power with adults who are also our kids. We think we can mother them to health like when they were young. We can't. They won't listen and can get abusive. We have to take care of the only person we can control and that is ourselves. We have no control over anyone but us, not even a beloved child.

What we can do, all we can do, is learn to take care of ourselves and to react with calmness and sanity. We can serk therapy for codependency or go to a 12 Step Meeting for loved ones of addicts. Your sons chaos belongs to him, not you. You did not cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it (Narcotics Anonymous). Only your son, of his own desire, can help himself. You can learn to live with peace in spite of your sons problems. The more we try to get in their way, the more we fail to help them. If that sounds crazy right now, one day you will see that it's true. Then you will get help to heal because it is too painful/hard not to. Your son's journey will be his. You can't save him or make him better. But that is sometimes hard to believe. So I hope you learn this before I did. It almost destroyed my marriage and other kids. Took me ten years to let go.

I send lots of hugs and love and assure you that you are not alone.

 

[Ascending]

Update

He returned home this past weekend...
Has been on better behavior
and off drugs ...
Applying for jobs
Had a first interview today.
Also looking for housing

I am praying

And trying to catch smaller lapses earlier
Like rudeness
Meanness to dog

It is hard

 

[Mirabelle]

Hello Ascending . Thank you for the update on how things are going. I'm glad things sound like they are improved from the first time you posted. When you first let them back into the home to give it a try, it can be very nerve wracking. You want to give them a chance to show that they 'get it'; that the way they were acting before they left was unacceptable and that they can do better. Please, please do better!! Time to act like a grown up. Better behavior, off drugs, job interviews.....it sounds awesome!! I do hope he 'gets it' and stays on a solid path.

Our son never did 'get it.' We gave it several tries. A few times we had to kick him out, a few times he got mad at us and left on his own. I think it was a combination of him not having complete control over his own behavior, and his attitude that as an adult he should be able to do what he pleased in his own room / home. All of the rights of an adult with none of the responsibilities or obligations to others. His mom has a big spacious house, and I think living with her he got used to making noise, living in a pigsty, and smoking weed out his window. Our house is smaller, clean, and weed free! The rules were different and he didn't care for that at all. But after she kicked him out he didn't have a choice. Rather than modify his behavior, he tried to impose his will onto us.

Sometimes he left over major deal breakers eg. doing drugs, stealing. Other times it was our refusal to put up with the 'small lapses' as you say. After years of asking nicely and explaining why these things were important and getting yupped to death, we just said enough is enough. On one return home we came up with a contract with a three strikes system - and that return lasted three days! After losing two strikes in one weekend (loud music in the middle of the night, promising that he had fed the animals when he hadn't), he bailed because I guess he realized we weren't going to let up and be fine with him lying and acting like a big kid. And for a few years this continued back and forth. He would swear he understood how it needed to be, but within four or five days at the most he would slip back into his old ways.

All of this to say, I totally get why you are so concerned with the small stuff. The big stuff staying on course is paramount. But my husband and I always felt disrespected and taken advantage of when our son would not take the small stuff seriously. I guess because it was indicative of the fact that he thought he could say the right things and then sucker us into putting up with the same old BS. In fact he essentially told his sister at one point that this was his approach to dealing with us.

Only you know what is acceptable behavior to you from your son. I would just encourage you to be fair, be supportive, but be smart about it. Hopefully a job will come soon and he will be in a position to leave on his own.

Keep us updated!
Mirabelle

 

[Ascending]

Hello Ascending . Thank you for the update on how things are going. I'm glad things sound like they are improved from the first time you posted. When you first let them back into the home to give it a try, it can be very nerve wracking. You want to give them a chance to show that they 'get it'; that the way they were acting before they left was unacceptable and that they can do better. Please, please do better!! Time to act like a grown up. Better behavior, off drugs, job interviews.....it sounds awesome!! I do hope he 'gets it' and stays on a solid path.

Our son never did 'get it.' We gave it several tries. A few times we had to kick him out, a few times he got mad at us and left on his own. I think it was a combination of him not having complete control over his own behavior, and his attitude that as an adult he should be able to do what he pleased in his own room / home. All of the rights of an adult with none of the responsibilities or obligations to others. His mom has a big spacious house, and I think living with her he got used to making noise, living in a pigsty, and smoking weed out his window. Our house is smaller, clean, and weed free! The rules were different and he didn't care for that at all. But after she kicked him out he didn't have a choice. Rather than modify his behavior, he tried to impose his will onto us.

Sometimes he left over major deal breakers eg. doing drugs, stealing. Other times it was our refusal to put up with the 'small lapses' as you say. After years of asking nicely and explaining why these things were important and getting yupped to death, we just said enough is enough. On one return home we came up with a contract with a three strikes system - and that return lasted three days! After losing two strikes in one weekend (loud music in the middle of the night, promising that he had fed the animals when he hadn't), he bailed because I guess he realized we weren't going to let up and be fine with him lying and acting like a big kid. And for a few years this continued back and forth. He would swear he understood how it needed to be, but within four or five days at the most he would slip back into his old ways.

All of this to say, I totally get why you are so concerned with the small stuff. The big stuff staying on course is paramount. But my husband and I always felt disrespected and taken advantage of when our son would not take the small stuff seriously. I guess because it was indicative of the fact that he thought he could say the right things and then sucker us into putting up with the same old BS. In fact he essentially told his sister at one point that this was his approach to dealing with us.

Only you know what is acceptable behavior to you from your son. I would just encourage you to be fair, be supportive, but be smart about it. Hopefully a job will come soon and he will be in a position to leave on his own.

Keep us updated!
Mirabelle

I thought my previous approach obviously had not worked and it involved letting lesser rudeness and so on go. Which seemed to lead to him uppping and upping the levels of what he was doing till we got to 911 stage.

Also I have been using the Sheep book I mentioned above to help guide me and it says don’t let the small things go. I have also apologized sometimes when he has said he acted like “y” because I had said “x”.

The newest update is he starts a job Monday morning (2 days hence).

He hasn’t gotten up as of noon today which is a bit worrisome to me. In part because he went out with friends yesterday after getting job. I didn’t notice him seeming high when he came home, and he was pleasant when he arrived back. But that kind of thing remains a worry.

When I had asked if he wanted help with morning getting up, he got angry and said he’s an adult and doesn’t need a mom to help that. I told him grown ups don’t tend to constantly assert that they are adults, and in future he can just say, “No thank you.”


Anyway work on Monday starts at 7am, so he will need to leave no later than 6:30 am. And obviously up earlier than that to have time to get ready, eat etc.

We were trying to figure out breakfast and such (water to have available for example since it’s a landscaping company job in hot weather) .

Any thoughts? Including what foods etc tends to be settling for emotional behavior as well as sustaining a first day of probably pretty hard work ?

 

[Mirabelle]

I'm so pleased he got the job! Yay! Geez, the food. If I were lucky enough to send mine off for a hard day's work I would probably go with a pbnj or a ham and cheese sandwich, a bag of chips, an apple, and lots of water and sports drinks. Young men sure eat a lot but the hot weather will probably curb his appetite some.

Best of luck to you guys. Very nerve wracking I know. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow!!

 

[Ascending]

Hello Ascending . Thank you for the update on how things are going. I'm glad things sound like they are improved from the first time you posted. When you first let them back into the home to give it a try, it can be very nerve wracking. You want to give them a chance to show that they 'get it'; that the way they were acting before they left was unacceptable and that they can do better. Please, please do better!! Time to act like a grown up. Better behavior, off drugs, job interviews.....it sounds awesome!! I do hope he 'gets it' and stays on a solid path.

Our son never did 'get it.' We gave it several tries. A few times we had to kick him out, a few times he got mad at us and left on his own. I think it was a combination of him not having complete control over his own behavior, and his attitude that as an adult he should be able to do what he pleased in his own room / home. All of the rights of an adult with none of the responsibilities or obligations to others. His mom has a big spacious house, and I think living with her he got used to making noise, living in a pigsty, and smoking weed out his window. Our house is smaller, clean, and weed free! The rules were different and he didn't care for that at all. But after she kicked him out he didn't have a choice. Rather than modify his behavior, he tried to impose his will onto us.

Sometimes he left over major deal breakers eg. doing drugs, stealing. Other times it was our refusal to put up with the 'small lapses' as you say. After years of asking nicely and explaining why these things were important and getting yupped to death, we just said enough is enough. On one return home we came up with a contract with a three strikes system - and that return lasted three days! After losing two strikes in one weekend (loud music in the middle of the night, promising that he had fed the animals when he hadn't), he bailed because I guess he realized we weren't going to let up and be fine with him lying and acting like a big kid. And for a few years this continued back and forth. He would swear he understood how it needed to be, but within four or five days at the most he would slip back into his old ways.

All of this to say, I totally get why you are so concerned with the small stuff. The big stuff staying on course is paramount. But my husband and I always felt disrespected and taken advantage of when our son would not take the small stuff seriously. I guess because it was indicative of the fact that he thought he could say the right things and then sucker us into putting up with the same old BS. In fact he essentially told his sister at one point that this was his approach to dealing with us.

Only you know what is acceptable behavior to you from your son. I would just encourage you to be fair, be supportive, but be smart about it. Hopefully a job will come soon and he will be in a position to leave on his own.

Keep us updated!
Mirabelle

Confusion in posting.
He had job, but it was intensely disorganized snd he quit ... as he had an interview at probably a much better place... but not guaranteed.

Now he probably has the new job, more below.

Some of past reply was in my editor so forgive the repetition...

Anyway new job (which could be a career job with benefits etc) depends now on drug screening passage.



I thought my previous approach obviously had not worked and it involved letting lesser rudeness and so on go. Which seemed to lead to him uppping and upping the levels of what he was doing till we got to 911 stage.

And the information / guidance in In Sheep’s Clothing is to not let the little things go.

Well, the big news is: He probably has a (another different) job. It is dependent on passing a drug screening which he took today. I am praying he will have passed that. (And prayers from others appreciated!!!) He wasn’t sure when he last smoked weed, and it was less than two weeks since he came back home and has been off during that time which metabolites could still show up from longer than that. .

It is expected to start week after next with an orientation meeting.


It will be hard physical work. And possibly even 10 hour days in all weather. At least for a minimum of 3 months at entry level in forestry / lumber industry. After that he may be able to advance in the company.

He is planning to stay living at home as job starts, so his home behavior remains important.

I think the job may not only be a good entry job, but a good career path for him, one of his interviewers started at age 18 and has worked his way up and is now in supervisory position in his 40’s, he told my son.

I am praying hard for him to pass the screening and to Work hard and to make the job work !

 

[Ascending]

Update: he passed the drug screen. Phew.
Has been very moody.

I guess moody was not on the list of things not allowed, and people have their moods. Behavior is another matter. And if moody goes to meanness to dogs or disrespect to people it gets difficult

Anyway we are working on schedule for being ready for a 4am job start, etc.

And trying not to have relapse.

It is hard now to judge the edges of what to let go, what not, how much to help out, how much to be hands off, etc

 

[BusynMember]

For us we let go. Period. It's what we were told to do in therapy and NA plus Kay did not thrive with our help and people further down the road than us were no longer worrying about what letting go meant. For us we learned that for our daughter any "help" was too much and encouraged her to be child like. And to abuse us if she felt we were not helping enough. It kept blowing up.

Kay is homeless in a motorhome living on some piece of public land with her useless husband. They collect SSDI which they both got quickly plus they have food share and Medicare/Medicaid. They are no better off but no worse off than when we were buying homes and cars for them. They are still irresponsible however they do eat and have medical care.

My guess is that if your son doesn't change for the better with your help you also may decide not to "help." Eventually. We are happier now and very peaceful. Kay was chaos to us all. She just is not willing to do better although she had great support.

I hope you can find your way in a peaceful manner. Abuse even by a child is never okay. You have the right to amend rules in your own home. Life isn't fair. It is not our job to care for abusive adults who won't take care of their own needs. If they harm us, we should take care of our own well being first. We should not fear that our child will harm either us or a beloved pet. We never let Kay live with us again after a violent, scarybepisode when she was in her early 20s. That crossed a forever line. We did provide her with housing for 10 insane years and that kept backfiring....

Hugs.

 

[Ascending]

For us we let go. Period. It's what we were told to do in therapy and NA plus Kay did not thrive with our help and people further down the road than us were no longer worrying about what letting go meant. For us we learned that for our daughter any "help" was too much and encouraged her to be child like. And to abuse us if she felt we were not helping enough. It kept blowing up.

Kay is homeless in a motorhome living on some piece of public land with her useless husband. They collect SSDI which they both got quickly plus they have food share and Medicare/Medicaid. They are no better off but no worse off than when we were buying homes and cars for them. They are still irresponsible however they do eat and have medical care.

My guess is that if your son doesn't change for the better with your help you also may decide not to "help." Eventually. We are happier now and very peaceful. Kay was chaos to us all. She just is not willing to do better although she had great support.

I hope you can find your way in a peaceful manner. Abuse even by a child is never okay. You have the right to amend rules in your own home. Life isn't fair. It is not our job to care for abusive adults who won't take care of their own needs. If they harm us, we should take care of our own well being first. We should not fear that our child will harm either us or a beloved pet. We never let Kay live with us again after a violent, scarybepisode when she was in her early 20s. That crossed a forever line. We did provide her with housing for 10 insane years and that kept backfiring....

Hugs.

Thank you.

Yes. Helping leading to a resumption of some child like behavior may be a significant issue!

Thank you for specifically pointing that out!

And yes, the behavior towards animals is a major problem still to be dealt with.

Our younger dog absolutely adored my son... more than she cared for me I think, and to extent that I considered giving her to him ... But he got too mean to many times, and now she doesn’t adore him any more. Maybe it is just as well he learned this with dogs. Not perhaps a girlfriend or wife someday.

At present the dogs largely avoid him so it’s not as much a problem as it was

 

[Ascending]

I may have gone too far on helping in certain regards. But it was also in some sense helping myself. Such as to make sure Son will have enough shirts not to be constantly needing to wash what he has helps me too. Work boots too, I got him because I feel like I need him basically equipped. Even if he gets different ones he likes better at some point, or perhaps even this weekend if ones I ordered don’t come or don’t fit well.

I do think it has a return to more childlike behavior result though. Yes. I see that too.

One of my best friends pretty much takes care of meals etc (packing lunches for at work, breakfast and dinner when at home) for her working husband and son, so that’s been a model. The other side though is that the husband and son are kind and helpful and respectful to her in return.

 

[BusynMember]

We tend to want to be kind to those who appreciate it and give kindness back to nice lived ones. Bet that your friends husband and son do lots around the house to help her...maybe man chores if they are more traditional.

Most of our adult kids are actually abusive to us. If our spouses did to us what these kids do, we would seek ways to leave or else some of us would leave right away. Domestic abuse is the same heinous act even if our child does it. I did not want to think so, but eventually I got so sick and tired of it and so mentally worn out that it was either let go or die and die alone. Kay chased everyone away. So I fought for myself. I no longer allow abuse in my life. At all.

I dont mean to be harsh, but you probably already know that cruelty to animals is a serious trait of psychopaths. Most serial killers did it to animals first...whether harming or killing. And animals are living beings. It is not okay to harm them.
in my opinion you probably should remove your pets if your son is there. I am a huge animal lover and did not own pets after a while when Kay was home. If they got in her way, she would kick them mightily and even pick up the cat and throw her on the couch. Terrified her. The pets lived in fear and hid from Kay until they were removed to relatives homes. I caught her trying to squeeze a hamster to death when she was little and was horrified. We gave the hamster away and I read about the danger of a child hurting animals, what it meant. I did not want to believe it so I got a dog and cat later on and was sorry. No excuse for Kay. She is my daughter but us very challenged when it comes to empathy. That's a dangerous trait

in my opinion you need to assess honestly if your son is a possible threat to your pets and to you. Some of our adult children, who may be young emotionally, are physically strong and mean. It is harmful to us to sugar coat potential violence in our adult kids. Sometimes it is dangerous for these types of adult kids to live with us. in my opinion it helps to find help for ourselves so that we learn when it's unsafe to not let go and often we need to stop feeling like our messed up adult kids are still little children that need a mommy. They are way beyond the help we can give to a small child and are capable of going to resources on their own if they want to truly get help. We certainly don't need to buy them new clothes or wash their clothes or bring them meals....there is Food Share, Welfare, thrift shops and mental health services that are cheap. Rehabs too. What happens when we are gone?

We can't fix them. Only they can. Our other kids, our spouse, and.our pets in my opinion should not be put in danger because our adult kids make us feel guilty...while they abuse us. Too many of us fall for that. Until we can't anymore.

Hugs.

 

[Ascending]

We tend to want to be kind to those who appreciate it and give kindness back to nice lived ones. Bet that your friends husband and son do lots around the house to help her...maybe man chores if they are more traditional.

Most of our adult kids are actually abusive to us. If our spouses did to us what these kids do, we would seek ways to leave or else some of us would leave right away. Domestic abuse is the same heinous act even if our child does it. I did not want to think so, but eventually I got so sick and tired of it and so mentally worn out that it was either let go or die and die alone. Kay chased everyone away. So I fought for myself. I no longer allow abuse in my life. At all.

I dont mean to be harsh, but you probably already know that cruelty to animals is a serious trait of psychopaths. Most serial killers did it to animals first...whether harming or killing. And animals are living beings. It is not okay to harm them.
in my opinion you probably should remove your pets if your son is there. I am a huge animal lover and did not own pets after a while when Kay was home. If they got in her way, she would kick them mightily and even pick up the cat and throw her on the couch. Terrified her. The pets lived in fear and hid from Kay until they were removed to relatives homes. I caught her trying to squeeze a hamster to death when she was little and was horrified. We gave the hamster away and I read about the danger of a child hurting animals, what it meant. I did not want to believe it so I got a dog and cat later on and was sorry. No excuse for Kay. She is my daughter but us very challenged when it comes to empathy. That's a dangerous trait

in my opinion you need to assess honestly if your son is a possible threat to your pets and to you. Some of our adult children, who may be young emotionally, are physically strong and mean. It is harmful to us to sugar coat potential violence in our adult kids. Sometimes it is dangerous for these types of adult kids to live with us. in my opinion it helps to find help for ourselves so that we learn when it's unsafe to not let go and often we need to stop feeling like our messed up adult kids are still little children that need a mommy. They are way beyond the help we can give to a small child and are capable of going to resources on their own if they want to truly get help. We certainly don't need to buy them new clothes or wash their clothes or bring them meals....there is Food Share, Welfare, thrift shops and mental health services that are cheap. Rehabs too. What happens when we are gone?

We can't fix them. Only they can. Our other kids, our spouse, and.our pets in my opinion should not be put in danger because our adult kids make us feel guilty...while they abuse us. Too many of us fall for that. Until we can't anymore.

Hugs.

Good post!

Thank you!!!

 

[YogiLori]

Dear Ascending
I'm groggy because I just woke up but wanted to say welcome and chime in too about how great you've been doing, in my estimation. I was a single Mom too, of a son I brought home when he was 22 months. And I had to call 911 eventually, too. All of the stuff that you are anticipating (my son is 33) has come to be for us.

My son has been homeless for at least half the time since he left my home, and at least half the time he's been housed, it's been at a second home I bought pretty much for that purpose. Even THAT didn't work so well and became the site of power plays between us. Him, trying to impose his rules, and me, trying to impose my own. I see in retrospect this was a huge mistake.

First, it is a developmental imperative that they strut their stuff. And because they see no way to do so in a constructive, adaptive way it is done so negatively. And in my case, I was first, already an older (now old) woman, with vulnerabilities that were triggered. There is no way I should have exposed myself to that fracas, but I saw no other way to love him at that time, and misguidedly wanted to turn the tide. He was the Pacific Ocean and I was a puddle.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you that you are doing GREAT. Your instincts seem perfect. The more we can give them rope, paradoxically the better it is for them and for us.

What changed for me, is the necessary and much-belated awareness we were separate people with separate lives and values and everything else, and that is okay. More than okay. He can be him, and I can be me. And if he chooses to live badly, I can be okay, more than okay. I fought and fought and fought to change him and he fought back just as hard to be who he wanted to be. Now I respect that and I am putting my energy back into being me.

One more thing. My son's major drug of choice is marijuana. I don't like it and I don't want it near me. I don't want even that drug on property I own. And I don't want to be exposed to people who are high, if I can avoid it. I don't feel that I have to change, even in a weed-legal state, certainly in my home and my life.

Mental health treatment, school, medical treatment, and housing, are all available when our sons choose these things.

Honestly, as I look back at this post, it's like I have had a brain transplant compared to how I used to be.

Hi, I am reading this website and am so relieved to know I am not alone. I hate marijuana too! My son's brain is I feel forever changed by it and he thinks it's no big deal. It is not legal in our state and he is only 19 (his DUI in May confiscated his fake ID) He has been smoking regularly since age 15........he does the wax, and the various forms of weed. His girlfriend of 3 years broke up with him , he failed out of college, his best friends have dropped him, and we have kicked him out of our house. Weed, the common denominator of all of his unfortunate circumstances in his life, still remains #1. He is never quitting so he says. I LOVE what you wrote "We live separate lives - he can be him and we can be we. He can live any way he wants but we are no longer supporting him. We have fought and fought and fought to change our son - mental health inpatient, therapy, kindness, toleration - NO MORE. I have not had a brain transplant yet but it is happening!!

 

[Ascending]

Hi, I am reading this website and am so relieved to know I am not alone. I hate marijuana too! My son's brain is I feel forever changed by it and he thinks it's no big deal. It is not legal in our state and he is only 19 (his DUI in May confiscated his fake ID) He has been smoking regularly since age 15........he does the wax, and the various forms of weed. His girlfriend of 3 years broke up with him , he failed out of college, his best friends have dropped him, and we have kicked him out of our house. Weed, the common denominator of all of his unfortunate circumstances in his life, still remains #1. He is never quitting so he says. I LOVE what you wrote "We live separate lives - he can be him and we can be we. He can live any way he wants but we are no longer supporting him. We have fought and fought and fought to change our son - mental health inpatient, therapy, kindness, toleration - NO MORE. I have not had a brain transplant yet but it is happening!!

I think possibly someone else gets the credit for the quote.

I have some good updates though. After a ton of “it’s my body” “it’s my life” “you do you and I’ll do me” etc and similarly sounding like he was never going to give up things making him act crazy led to my call to 911.

And after him being out without a home, or job, for not sure how long, over a week but less than two maybe, etc., then led to my allowing him back under certain conditions, which included no drugs (or no acting like he was on anything because I wasn’t testing and didn’t want the behavior even if he was clean), he now is at home, behaving much much better, and has a job he loves which can drug test any time so I expect he’s staying off at least illegal cr@p (junk food and sweets and caffeine still are around, but even those much less).

His job is quite conservative and a guy there of roughly same age is already married and living in apartment with his wife, so things like that were also eye openers.