I called the Sheriff.

[HopeRemains]

I hope your answer was "You bet your sweet patootie I would!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Because I can tell you that I did exactly that and my child wasn't aggressive - just a real handful who for many months/years I didn't like and didn't want to be around. My own flesh and blood. My fisrtborn, beautiful, precious girl. Sending her to summer camp was not a privilege, it was a necessity for my sanity.

That was almost my exact answer!

Step2- I did look into camps. husband takes the only running vehicle to work with him everyday, so I am stuck here and cannot get him to camps. If he went to a babysitter, husband would have to take him and pick him up those days, but wouldn't be able to work around the camp's timeframes.

 

[HopeRemains]

This is what I've done when difficult child 1 was violent. I kept the keys and phone (so I wouldn't get locked out while difficult child 1 and the other kids were in the house alone, and so I could call for help) in my pocket at all times. He had a time out room where I could put him and shut the door when he was raging. I kept a baby gate in the hallway so the other kids couldn't go near the door of the time out room. I had to sit in front of the door of the time out room to keep it shut or I had to hold the door knob. Because we had someone who would've called cps at the first hint of anything we couldn't put a lock on the time out room. We've put an alarm on difficult child 1's bedroom door so I could know every time he opened it. And, yes, he would drive me crazy by opening it and shutting it when he was in trouble. I was trained in how to safely restrain kids and this is how I got him into the timeout room. Ignoring difficult child 1 was not an option. He escalated into trying to kill the other kids if I ignored him. The only option we had was the time out room. When he was violent or I thought he might become violent he was my "shadow". This meant he had to be in my line of sight at all times. Not to my side or right behind me but in front of me at all times. All this was for the safety of the other kids and not negotiable. The people I would call for help would be neighbors who would take my other kids and keep them safe while I dealt with difficult child 1.

This lasted until difficult child 1 got big enough that I couldn't keep the other kids safe. Then he went to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). What I should've done is place him in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) sooner. It was the best thing that ever happened to our family.

Bipolar kids can be hypersexual. His coming into the bathroom or bedroom is a red flag to me. At the very least it is a control/power issue of who has control of your personal space. I think Steps idea of keyed locks on those doors is a good one. Right now we have keyed locks on the deadbolt to the front and back doors. Locks on the inside and outside. Other people think I'm nuts, but my autistic kids aren't going to wander. When it comes to safety sometimes we have to do things we don't want to or feel very weird about doing.

I do think that ignoring helps sometimes, other times it escalates it very rapidly. Anything I did at those times would escalate it. I feel like I'm faced with a Gorilla sometimes and must be passive because anything else would mean violence. We have had an alarm on his door and that helped a lot to *train?* him to stay in his space. Now it's an issue of getting him to his space to begin with. I can't find a place that teaches restraining techniques, I've looked online. It is absolutely an issue of control when he bursts in. It is ALWAYS about control.

I guess I have an idea of what an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is, but what does that stand for and when did you know it was bad enough that he needed it?

 

[Bunny]

I know all about having a husband who just doesn't seem to get it. I asked husband a few weeks ago how he thought our difficult child was doing since we've uped the dose of his medications. His answer? "I don't know. I'm not paying attention." We called the police two weeks ago because he was so unstable and a danger to the others in the house, which was what precipitated the medication increase, but you're not paying attention? Yeah, I get it, and it's infuriating!! It must be more so for you because it's HIS son that is exhibiting these behaviors and as a step-mom your hands are tied on alot of things.

First of all, if you don't keep a phone on your person, always know that you are able to get to a phone if you need to. If he becomes violent you have to be able to protect yourself and your younger son. And I agree with the other suggestion that you keep a house key on you, or at least hide one outside so that if you go outside to take a breath and he locks you out you can unlock the door. by the way, why did you husband not have a key to the house the day difficult child locked you out?

The thing is that he's 8. Unless you can get him under control it's only going to get worse. He's going to get bigger and stronger and once puberty hits it's going to make things 10x worse.

If you're not happy with the psychiatrist I would suggest getting a new one. He's on Abilify, right? Would you consider a medication change? What he's taking right now doesn't seem to he helping, or could actually be making things worse. It's obvious that his mother isn't very much help in the matter. Does she give him the medications when he is with her? How does he behave there, or does she let him run wild so as not to have to deal with the defiant behavior?

I know that school is almost out for the year, but do they have an after school program that you could send him to? At least he would be there for a few hours after the school day is out, which will give you a little more quiet time.

 

[HopeRemains]

buddy- I just reread your post about the weight... I know this is going to sound horrible, but difficult child is 100 lbs at 8 yrs old. He sneaks food at every opportunity. When I went to take my shower I left my computer recording, just in case, and caught him out here sneaking food 3 times in 15 minutes. He also has issues with defecation, I know I've mentioned in the past. These are both control issues or something more, but chime in with the other problems.

 

[buddy]

Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is residential treatment center. There are different variations on that name and there are different kinds of placements, diagnostic placements, short term, long term, etc. There are Intensive Outpatient programs too that vary in type and form....some are after school a few days a week for a few hours, all the way up to some that are almost exactly like inpatient treatment centers but they go home at night, school is temporarily transferred to that site and is provided at both kinds of placements.

Our psychiatrist owns an outpatient program the kids are in daily from 8-4 with medication management, therapy groups, individual therapy, school, Occupational Therapist (OT) and rec. therapy etc. With your son's language skills he could really benefit from something like that. They take only kids thru teens in this practice. I know different areas have different resources but it is worth calling around.....


If husband did not have to do a lot of the work he might go along with it....he would look pretty bad not being willing to explore if there were better ways to help him. If how you worded it (not fair you should need to) was about how worried you are for him and wanting to make sure his medications were appropriate since you h ave heard t hat it can cause aggression etc. I dont know, just throwing out ideas (hard not to want things to be better for you when I KNOW that feeling of being trapped, stuck, bullied...and then adding that you have a young child to care for. And being who we are here, we all LOVE our kids, I dont see your difficult child as a villain but a child in real need so please dont think I am trying to say he is awful and you should get rid of him, just only saying I care and hope there is some kind of answer for you.)

 

[buddy]

buddy- I just reread your post about the weight... I know this is going to sound horrible, but difficult child is 100 lbs at 8 yrs old. He sneaks food at every opportunity. When I went to take my shower I left my computer recording, just in case, and caught him out here sneaking food 3 times in 15 minutes. He also has issues with defecation, I know I've mentioned in the past. These are both control issues or something more, but chime in with the other problems.

OH WOW! This poor boy... he is big and at that rate you will have a kid who literally can throw his weight around. That stealing food...ok lots of kids do it but as you said, it is the pattern you are seeing....he really does seem like there is s omething with his wiring that is in need of real support. May be more than one thing (yeah our kids are just that lucky right?) which just makes it so much harder. husband needs a big wake up call!

 

[HopeRemains]

Bunny-

It is infuriating! I told him yesterday that I feel like I'm just here for everyone to walk all over and I need some HELP and understanding from him. (This was after he started in on the "Well, some of this is just normal 8 yr old stuff...". I wanted to blow a gasket.

husband lost the only key last year. It's not usually a problem at all... we live in the country and I'm almost always home. NOW it's a problem that needs to be resolved asap.

I'd consider ANYTHING. The Abilify does help, alot. There was one time that we ran out of medications for a few days and OH MY. He attacked me while I was sitting down. But if there was something else that would help more I would be all for it. Problem: husband is the one who takes difficult child to the doctor because he has to take him between work hours and he sugar coats everything.

 

[buddy]

OK being a little goofy here...but maybe??? Maybe your sibling or mom needs a week long visit from you and your preschooler???

Anyway, I can totally see that he would do that, well heck, he doesn't really comprehend the situation (or believe it??) anyway. Anyway you can make one appointment without difficult child and just you and husband go to talk to the doctor? I can't imagine if you described the scene at the beginning of this post along with other specific descriptions like that (the words he says the way he positions his body etc....yeah, that is a big deal)...I can't imagine that they would dismiss it entirely. They may doubt esp with husband poo pooing it, but reminding everyone that husband is NOT THERE when this happens! Love that you used the computer to catch him. Hope you can do that more. Maybe find a way to make it face the bathroom door too (not to catch private moments, but from the outside when he is picking the lock. Can't be easy to find a way to position that.

Does anyone do rental security cameras? I wonder if there is a way to set up monitors that save to the computer from different rooms. You probably dont want to know all the things he is doing.

 

[HopeRemains]

buddy-
I don't want to villanize difficult child, either, but somedays it just feels like I am in some horror movie and he IS the villan! Other days he's the sweetest thing I've ever met. I know that he is very sensitive, but masks it mostly with rudeness or anger.

I also don't want to make husband the villan, but I'm always coming back to the fact that he's the wall I am ramming my head into repeatedly. I have done everything so far, set up doctors, done research, all of it. Him being so soft and *loyal?* is part of the reason I fell for him, but it's turned out to be the bain of my existance in this case. He has come a long way, but not nearly far enough. I almost want to hope that having this new therapist will help in getting husband to understand. Otherwise I just don't know how else to get husband to wake up. I mean, what's it going to take???

 

[HopeRemains]

OK being a little goofy here...but maybe??? Maybe your sibling or mom needs a week long visit from you and your preschooler???

Anyway, I can totally see that he would do that, well heck, he doesn't really comprehend the situation (or believe it??) anyway. Anyway you can make one appointment without difficult child and just you and husband go to talk to the doctor? I can't imagine if you described the scene at the beginning of this post along with other specific descriptions like that (the words he says the way he positions his body etc....yeah, that is a big deal)...I can't imagine that they would dismiss it entirely. They may doubt esp with husband poo pooing it, but reminding everyone that husband is NOT THERE when this happens! Love that you used the computer to catch him. Hope you can do that more. Maybe find a way to make it face the bathroom door too (not to catch private moments, but from the outside when he is picking the lock. Can't be easy to find a way to position that.

Does anyone do rental security cameras? I wonder if there is a way to set up monitors that save to the computer from different rooms. You probably dont want to know all the things he is doing.

I'm a post behind, lol. The computer was positioned in a way so it could see far down the hall, and you could see when he opened the bathroom door because of the light on the wall when he opened it. You could also hear me telling him to get out. He is suspicious when I have the computer sitting around on the counter, because it's usually over by my desk, but he hasn't figured out yet that I put up a prop screen so he couldn't see the video program running underneath.

I need a week away, for sure!!! I agree that a private appointment is necessary.

 

[buddy]

yeah, much like several others here.... we could probably switch kids and be pretty comfortable in knowing what is up! just way too familiar.

 

[Liahona]

The therapist wanted to put difficult child 1 in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) when he was 6 yrs old and I wouldn't. He wanted to because of aggression to the other kids and myself. I waited until 10 years old because I was scared to letting my baby (difficult child 1) go to be cared for by someone else. When difficult child 1 was 10 I could no longer keep the other kids safe from him. He was hurting them right in front of me and he was so fast I couldn't stop him. I should've admitted him to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) at age 6. It would've been the best for him, but instead I went with my own fear. The Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for kids here is great.

I think you could set up baby monitors as security cameras. I've done it once, but it was 12 years ago and can't remember how we did it.

What I have also done to communicate with the therapist is e-mail him. I would e-mail very detailed descriptions of what was going on and what I was doing in response. Enough of these and therapist wouldn't be able to ignore it even if husband is down playing everything. It also provides a very good record in case you need it for bio-mom or cps or if bio-mom takes you to court again.

As soon as I admitted difficult child 1 to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) x took us to court. I was told by the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) staff that is normal.

 

[HopeRemains]

Liahona- What kinds of aggression did he display at 6 vs 10? I guess I'm looking for examples to compare my sitch with.

I did actually email the therapist with a detailed report of what happened... I was a little dissapointed because he didn't get back to me until the next week. By then there were a bunch of other messes that we discussed over the phone and how to handle those situations got pushed to the back. But I think I will continue to email to keep him updated and also to cover my own butt!

 

[Bunny]

What I have also done to communicate with the therapist is e-mail him. I would e-mail very detailed descriptions of what was going on and what I was doing in response. Enough of these and therapist wouldn't be able to ignore it even if husband is down playing everything. It also provides a very good record in case you need it for bio-mom or cps or if bio-mom takes you to court again

I have done this, and the therapist that we work with uses this with great effectiveness. He will steer the conversation towards whatever I had e-mailed him about with out difficult child ever knowing that the therapist already knew these things.

If you can, can you do to the psychiatrist with your husband so that he can hear directly from you what is really going on in the house? Sugar coating the problem is not going to make it go away. It's going to get someone hurt.

 

[HopeRemains]

I have done this, and the therapist that we work with uses this with great effectiveness. He will steer the conversation towards whatever I had e-mailed him about with out difficult child ever knowing that the therapist already knew these things.

If you can, can you do to the psychiatrist with your husband so that he can hear directly from you what is really going on in the house? Sugar coating the problem is not going to make it go away. It's going to get someone hurt.

I can go to the psychiatrist, if I can make the right arrangements. We live 45 minutes away from the city and I don't have a vehicle for myself, so, husband would have to take me and both kids into town with him in the morning, probably drop us at his Mom's, go to work until appointment time, (all assuming that his Mom would keep an eye on the little one while we went to appointment) and then probably drop us back at his Mom's until he finishes up with work. It's an all day event and I don't like being out of my element (especially in his Mom's element!) for that long of a time, but it is do-able and I have already decided that I'll need to suck it up for the next appointment.

 

[allhaileris]

That was almost my exact answer!

Step2- I did look into camps. husband takes the only running vehicle to work with him everyday, so I am stuck here and cannot get him to camps. If he went to a babysitter, husband would have to take him and pick him up those days, but wouldn't be able to work around the camp's timeframes.

This is an issue. I am the full time working parent, and husband is the SAHD. HE gets the car during the day, has to pickup and drop off daughter from school, does the same for me, runs errands during the day, gets out for hikes, etc. If I had the car all day NOTHING would get done. I don't understand how anybody could expect their partner to stay at home and not leave at all during the day. During the summer I might take the car a couple days a week, and we've always lived in an area that has at least a mini market and bus service super close.

And I've been looking into the Boys & Girls club. Here it's $10 a day from like 7am to 6pm or something totally crazy awesome like that. I'm trying to find as many things for her to do without husband so he doesn't drive himself crazy over the summer trying to be the main caregiver. If you could get the car a couple days a week, you could drop him at something like this, pick him up when he needs to come home and give yourself a break.

 

[Liahona]

Ok, difficult child 1's past behaviors included, but not limited to, are trying to kill his siblings; especially difficult child 2. He has hit him on the soft spot with a rock, tried to scaled him with hot water, hit him on the soft spot with his fist, pulled a knife on me, asking with a smile on his face if what he had just done would kill difficult child 2 or break my legs. Urinating in weird places (like the carpet or vent). Raging for hours. Physically attacking me when I would breast feed difficult child 2. Refuse to eat. This was age 4 and 5. Ages 5 - 9 he also had hallucinations. The extreme aggression towards siblings continued. Tried to hit difficult child 3 in the head with a metal baseball bat, locked me out of the house repeatedly (until he figured out I always had keys on me.) Pushed difficult child 2 the length of the van because he thought difficult child 2 was turning into a vampire. Put a rope around difficult child 2's neck. He tried starting a fire once. Hypersexual behaviors started. He was very sneaky. He would hurt other kids even with the insane amount of supervision and I wouldn't see it. The kids at school learned to leave him alone. In second grade, in response to his hypersexual symptoms, an aide was assigned to him. He was incredibly moody and his energy also went up and down. We thought he was bipolar. About age 10 he also started to hurt the other kids while I was watching and within arms length. He was so fast I couldn't stop him in time. He started out small; pushing them, lightly hitting, he lightly kicked easy child 4 in the head when she was 2 months old. Because of his history that is when he went on the waiting list for the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). By the time his name came to the top of the list we had 3 adults in our home almost every day. School had 5 adults in the classroom and still couldn't get him to do any work. If he had a sub then he got aggressive. He is very smart though.

I should've had him in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) much sooner than I did.

After the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) we've had very few episodes of aggression. And very little defiance. His emotional age increased 2 years in the one year he was there. He went from 2 year old level to 4 year old level. His emotional age has increased a bit since he got out too. He no longer acts bipolar. He still has anxiety and hallucinations. He is like a different kid.

difficult child 1 isn't like your son with the posturing and swearing. He was more sneaky. I you feel like your 3 year old is in danger then something needs to be done. If you feel like your difficult child won't take it past posturing and swearing then ... I'd take swearing over trying to kill his sibs. difficult child 1 never swore.

Hope your afternoon goes well.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Have you ever videotaped his rages at you and shown them to husband? If not, perhaps you should do that, because I don't think husband believes you. (Meanwhile, you had a sheriff there, duh). Isn't husband worried that he's going to hurt you and your other child?

 

[HopeRemains]

allhaileris- That sounds so wonderful... when his car was still running and I had the van I could at least take the kids out of the house, go to the beach, library, etc (all within 10 minutes drive for me). The problem with me getting it now is that we live in a very rural community, 45 minutes away from where he works. We couldn't afford the extra 1.5 hour trip I would be making just to have the car for the day. (The other real reason is that, I'm ashamed to say, I am terrified to drive the section of the interstate that I would have to to get into any larger town or city. It's a 4 lane highway and I am horrified even thinking about it. Yeah- got my own anxiety issues, haha.) I feel badly for him because he has to make time for all the grocery stops, the doctor appts, dropping anything anywhere. But I also know that it kills me that I am sitting here useless and that is a huge problem in itself because I can't even go to the grocery store to get away for a minute. I have been wanting to move into town for years. Next year is the year, I've planned it out! =)

 

[HopeRemains]

Calamity- I do videotape if I have the presence of mind, mostly so that he can't say I hurt him or something, to cover myself. Most of the violent stuff isn't taped, though, because I'm either too late or it's in a room the camera isn't in.

As for husband, he absolutely knows exactly what I'm talking about. difficult child doesn't discriminate too much, he does this weather it is I or Dad. The only difference is that husband can physically move him to his room, I won't/can't.