I can finally update . . .

[lovemysons]

Wow Kathy, Your family will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so saddend to hear that difficult child got involved with Heroin. Here all this time I thought you weren't posting any updates because your daughter was doing so well on the Abilify.

I am SO GLAD that you have a neice who is strong and was willing to go with your daughter to the detox center. Does sound like to me that everything fell into place for her to be where she is now.

Thinking of you and sure hoping/praying for a positive outcome.
Hugs,
LMS

 

[Nancy]

Kathy I couldn't agree more. difficult child needs to understand what her holidays will be like if she doesn't change and you and your family need a stress free holiday where you can enjoy each other. For so long you have thought about difficult child's feelings, it's time to think of your own and your family's. Imagine if difficult child was suprised you followed through on the treatment center what she will think when she relaizes she is no longer the center of your universe and the world does not revolve around her.

 

[Kathy813]

I talked to the people at the detox hospital and difficult child is cooperating and doing well. She is very itchy which I googled and found is a common symptom of alcohol withdrawal.

She will be transferred to the treatment center on Monday.

 

[busywend]

Way To Go Cubsgirl! Awesome!

Kathy, i think it is perfect to stay home and enjoy your drama-free holiday!

 

[DDD]

I forgot about easy child...sorry about that! Obviously I think the three of you should do exactly what the three of you want to do, lol. In our case easy child/difficult child was the only "child" and everything from the tree decorating to the hanging of the stockings seemed to just flood the house with memories and a gaping hole. on the other hand you three have always been together and that makes a huge difference. However you celebrate I hope it brings joy and peace. Hugs DDD

PS: I am SO glad you decided to stay home and not travel South!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Thanks for the update, it's good to know how she's doing and that she's cooperating and doing well. Sigh. You did a wonderful job all around, you can really be not only proud of yourself but relieved that others will be taking over for awhile. Great job Kathy. (((HUGS)))

 

[Calamity Jane]

I'm always amazed at how fast they can medically detox.

 

[susiestar]

I just saw this. I am so sorry that she was using heroin and bringing it into your home. You have all given her a wonderful gift adn i pray she fights to gain recovery. I have no idea what you 'should' or 'shouldn't' do this Christmas, except that every single one of you needs to do what is best for YOU. Of course you and husband should consider easy child's needs, and I would probably stay home also. Just know that no matter what your feelings are, they are 'right' simply because you have them. Please make sure your easy child understands this also, and encourage her to seek therapy also as this takes a big toll on siblings as well. No matter that she is an adult, and leading her own life, this all has still made a HUGE difference in her life. True healing for the family includes help for everyone, not just the addict and parents. I tried so hard to deny my role in our family illness, and it had devastating results. I don't want your family to endure that also.

 

[gottaloveem]

I just wanted to let you know I am sorry your daughter has turned to heroin. So horrifying. Crossing all body parts that she stays clean after 3 months in rehab. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sending supportive hugs and love your way.
Love,
Lia

 

[Ephchap]

Kathy, as others have said, I'm so sorry and my hat is off to you for being such a strong warrior mom. I know the toll it can take though, so please try to take some time for YOU. Enjoy your husband and your easy child and the holidays. You love your difficult child enough to want to save her life and get her the help she needs so she will have more holidays to come. Until she can come to grips with the reality and the severity of her situation, she won't understand, but she will. You have to trust that.

Sending many hugs and prayers to you and your family.

Deb

 

[rejectedmom]

Sigh, so sorry she was using again. I am glad you were able to get her into a rehab. I agree that a peaceful holiday is in order for you and husband and easy child. -RM

 

[Kathy813]

difficult child went from the detox hospital to the treatment center yesterday. They said she was very upset that we are not going there for Christmas but she is playing her usual games so I don't feel bad about it.

She has signed a very limited release for husband and me as well as the interventionist and DBT therapist that is coordinating difficult child's therapy with the treatment team at the treatment center. I let the interventionist know about the limited release and she said to refuse to send difficult child anything else that she wants and refuse to take her calls until she signs a full release for all of us. She said that it is time for difficult child to learn that she is not calling the shots anymore.

The interventionist fee covers an entire year so she is going to help us with setting boundaries and the aftercare plan. I think she is going to be worth every penny that we paid.

~Kathy

 

[recoveringenabler]

As is always the case Kathy, you have all your ducks in order, doing everything possible for your difficult child, even not allowing her to call the shots now, a good healthy plan for you. You've got a great support system for you and your family too which is so invaluable to help with the boundary setting and aftercare, you've done a fabulous job. I hope you can rest and really enjoy your holiday now with your easy child and your husband. I admire how well you have handled all of this........many hugs coming your way.............

 

[Kathy813]

Thanks but I don't feel like I have done a very good job. We should have done this 10 years ago. I just kept thinking she would snap out of it someday and grow up. Pretty stupid, huh?

~Kathy

 

[recoveringenabler]

No not stupid, just our parents unending hopes and dreams for our children. I think we all do that, we wait, always hoping it's just a stage, something they will get over, it's so hard to identify any of this as the problem it really is.............on top of everything else Kathy, don't beat yourself up for not doing this sooner, you did what you did when you did it because it's a process we all go through to get to some landing place......each step of the way we make choices hoping that will be the one which makes the difference, there's absolutely no way to know it won't until it doesn't work and we go back to the drawing board and start all over. You did what all of us do each step of the way, OUR BEST, under extreme emotionally demanding and heartbreaking circumstances. And now you're here. It just takes what it takes. You did a really good job, we all do............let yourself really know how much you've done and how well you've done it...............I applaud your choices, all done with love and that's the most important thing, always............HUGS.........

 

[InsaneCdn]

Thanks but I don't feel like I have done a very good job. We should have done this 10 years ago. I just kept thinking she would snap out of it someday and grow up. Pretty stupid, huh?

Not stupid.
Normal would be more like it.

And if you HAD done it 10 years ago? it wouldn't necessarily have helped, either.
We can't tell what "would have been".
We start from where we are, and make the best choices we know how... and time goes on.
We change.
difficult child changes.
Resources available change.

I admire your "stick to it" in trying to help a really challenging child. It helps parents like me - who are dealing with very different issues - to keep sticking with it too.

 

[susiestar]

Kathy, it is NOT stupid to think she would snap out of it and grow up. Actually, that is a pretty normal expectation and for many many families it is reality. There are a LOT of us who partied a bit much and did stupid things during the first 'adult' years, the years many think of as teh 'college' years. It is pretty normal for kids to do a fair amount of partying in college, enough to really upset parents, but more and more people now are not stopping/winding down those activities as they graduate and move into the real world of working a job every day, bill paying, etc..... Even my friends who didn't go to college followed this pattern pretty much.

So expecting difficult child to mature and clean up her act? in my opinion was a fairly rational expectation. It is just not what she did because she has bigger problems and really does not seem to want to grow up.

I think it is wonderful that you contacted an interventionist and got that level of professional help, and that the help continues for a year and doesn't end when she goes to rehab. I doubt this will be an easy road for any of you, but I think you have a strong support system and should be proud of yourself. Why? You have literally tried EVERYTHING from the traditional AA/rehab route, the the DBT route, to letting her do her thing, and at each turn when she has balked you kept trying. Now? You learned she escalated to the level of heroin use and you stepped up and got the ENTIRE family to help you and you did what was needed to get her to rehab.

You are still working to help her, and doing this by NOT sending her stuff until she gives the full release, and by doing what the intervenetionist directs. You truly cannot do any more, and I think that difficult child is very lucky to have you for her mom and yoru family for her family.

Do whatever feels right for you and the rest of the family this holday season. Feel what you feel when you feel it, and allow that to be okay.

 

[lovemysons]

Oh Kathy...we DID do it 10 yrs ago with our difficult child's. But I still ended up with two in prison...and one (young difficult child) who's fate remains up in the air.

Wish we could determine our difficult child's sobriety for them...doesn't work like that. And right NOW maybe exactly where your difficult child can really HEAR listen and learn what is being shared with her about herself.

There is lots to be hopeful for Kathy. And your intervention is such a gift. Always is for these kids of ours. I just hope someday they all know how very much they have been loved.
Okay...well, I hope they're all sober too!!! ;-)

LMS

 

[DDD]

We did it ten years ago too. It wasn't the right time. difficult children have to be ready to accept the message. Hugs DDD

 

[rejectedmom]

Kathy, I truly doubt it would have worked ten years ago. She simply didnt have the maturity or the desire. Maybe this time, once she has detoxed, she will realize that getting high only makes you high for a short time. It doesn't move you foward on the path to a good life which will keep one happy on a long term basis. I'm hoping and praying the pros can instill that in her this time around. -RM