MB, that is a great suggestion. Also, the cooking session is good, although I know it wouldn't work too well for difficult child 3 because he would fuss about the mess people were making, or it not being perfect. Giving him the job to do on his own or with someone else supervising/supporting him would work better, as long as difficult child 3 has control and doesn't have to wait for other people and have to deal with their different take on it.
MWM, you are doing the right thing by allowing him his own space and time out. However, I think it is very good he shared about his disappointment in himself for not being able to talk to other people. Small talk and conversation is a sophisticated skill that takes A LOT of coaching and practice for Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids. We have to always remember - our sons are 14 by their birth certificate only; socially, they're much younger and we shouldn't put too great expectations on them. I have often described difficult child 3 as seeming like a five year old genius.
I just called difficult child 3 iin to ask him for his advice for your son. He said, "Don't be afraid of being social; just walk up to someone you don't know very well and introduce yourself. As the conversation continues, some subjects might come up that you feel comfortable talking about. When it's over you will feel very good about yourself."
I would add, teach him to ask questions about the other person, the sort of question that requires more than a yes or no answer. difficult child 3 suggests asking, "What do you do? What have you been doing recently? What do you like doing/eating/other?"
difficult child 3 often has his Nintendo DS with him (we think it;'s been surgically grafted onto his hand!) and we've often found this starts conversations for him. I watched last night while waiting for the carols night to begin, difficult child 3 was showing his game to the choir singer sitting next to him, the bloke had asked about it and seemed to me to be enjoying looking at how it worked.
it's important to practice social skills and to also try to set up ahead of time, some cues to warn him when he's getting off topic or beginning to be inappropriate in some other way.
Build in escape hatches for him; Saturday's party quickly split into younger generation/older generation, with the kids occupying the living room and the DVD player, watching "Fifth Element" which difficult child 3 likes. Planning ahead by taking along a DVD that difficult child likes but that is still appropriate for others there too, is good. Board games that difficult child is good at (but not TOO good), card games, all open up controlled social opportunities.
At difficult child 3's drama class, some of the other autistic kids are clearly using me to practice their social skills; it can be quite funny, I recognise the signs. One young man will come up to me and after saying, "Hello Marg," will continue with, "Did you know about the new Stargate DVD sets? I was watching them and found something interesting about ... that I thought you might like." Or something similar. He knows from previous conversations that I have watched Stargate enough to know about it. He's talked about other science fiction TV and movies with our family before, so is using known information about me to begin a conversation. Or he might say, "I brought some of my sketches along to show you. May I?" and then gets his sketch book out.
If your difficult child has any face blindness, this can greatly hamper him socially also; it just adds to the burden. You might need to help him by trying to include him in a conversation with a family member, much as the consummate hostess would at a power cocktail party. You know the sort of thing, "John, this is Jack. He likes to build model cars. Jack, John works for a company that manufactures assembly kits, I'm sure you will find a lot to talk about."
You could stay to kick off the conversation and then move on once they clearly no longer need you. Or you could chaperone your guest of honour (and also teach difficult child how to politely disengage form a conversation) and when the conversation begins to flag, you say, "John, I promised Jack I would introduce him to as many people as I could tonight, because he is new to the area and needs to build contacts. I'm glad you've had a chance to meet; hopefully you will get another opportunity to talk once we've circulated sufficiently."
difficult child needs to learn to say, "I have enjoyed talking to you. Please excuse me, I do need to have a quick word to ..." or some other legitimate excuse.
I hope this helps.
Marg
