I don't want to do this anymore

[susiestar]

Heather,

I have a few suggestions. If they don't work or you have tried them no worries.

when my gfgbro was doing this carp my mom got a pad of triplicate sales order sheets from staples. she would write down what she wanted us to do on them. One went to us, one to her active file and one to a hidden file. If argueing happened she SHOWED the active sheet she had. she kept the hidden copy to show anyone who challenged us for not telling him. Black and white is hard to argue with. It really stopped some of the argueing.

I also suggest Love and logic. It had some good ideas.

I am sorry these aare so tough to handle.

 

[klmno]

Heather, I hope your resource really leads you to some help. One thig I noticed while looking tthrough the state forms for my location (these are forms the agency person would fill out after interviewing the family I guess), is that it has a section regarding the caretaker's ability to provide what the child needs. One line is for whether or not the caretaker is really trying (can't remember exact wording), but there are also lines for whether or not the caretaker is financially able, mentally able, physically able, etc. I would think it should help in your case that you daughter is older, entering teen life, yet you do not have the physical abilities that you used too and you need help for all this.

For me, I was wondering if the "lack of financial resources" would apply in a situation where I did have the finances to provide for my child, until I had to pay legal fees, owe for his legal restitution, can't work full time any more due to his appts and supervision needs, etc.

Keep us posted!!

 

[flutterbee]

Sue - I did talk to her about this at one point. You hate it here, right? You hate it at Nana's. You hate it at M's (her friend). Do you really think it's possible that the problem is everyone else or that maybe you need to look inward?

I just want to pull the covers over my head. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of repeating myself. I'm tired of trying to pull tricks out of my hat. (I don't even have a hat.) I'm just tired.

Susie - I looked for the Love and Logic book at our local bookstore recently. They didn't have it, but they will order it. I did, however, find what looks to be a really good book on EFD in kids called No Mind Left Behind. Except that I'm just tired of everything revolving around her and all of my attention, focus, energy being on her and I can't seem to make myself want to read it. I bought it. I pick it up. I take it with me to appts. I have it on my nightstand. I think I'm on page 30.

As always, ladies, thank you for the support. No one else gets it and if I didn't have this board, I would have lost my mind a long time ago.

 

[TerryJ2]

I know what you mean about this board. It's a lifesaver!!!

Heather, I hope things are going better this evening.

For the "You never told me" argument, I have now gone to paper and pen for everything. I tape the notes to the computer monitor or the microwave (places I'm sure difficult child will look). Then, I can just point to the note. I have found that he really hates my voice, especially when he's escalating. Also, if the note is missing or something, and he argues that I never told him that the dishwasher needed emptying, for example, I'll calmly say, "Nevertheless, it still needs emptying. Do it now." And then I walk away so he won't engage me.

Another thing I try to do it to catch him doing something good, especially when we're out, and especially in front of his peers. If the topic of laundry comes up, and some kid makes a crack about how he doesn't do that, I'll say, "difficult child does it all the time and he's very good at it. It's one of his chores."
The other parents love that, too, because it creates parental expectations en masse. Sometimes it does take a village.
I don't know how much she gets out, with-her anxiety, but you could try reinforcement for that.

As far as not telling her about taking the cat to the vet ... I've only had difficult child go off on me once or twice, and he thought HE was the one responsible for going to the vet. I let him vent, and then calmly said, "How does it affect you, playing on the computer, when I'm at the vet?" The lightbulb will go off and he will calm down. But she's way beyond that. I wish I had some good ideas for you.

I'm wondering about Wynter's medications and her anxiety level ... have they been tweaked lately?

No Mind Left Behind sounds interesting. I hear you about not wanting to read another book that has to do with-our g'sfg!!

 

[KTMom91]

Heather...many, many hugs. I had the same thing going with Miss KT. I've found so many things that don't work, and have yet to find something that does. I hated having her rude and awful self velcroed to my butt. I remember asking her at the end of one awful day, "If I'm the reason you're so unhappy, why the he!! are you following me around?"

 

[katya02]

Sorry to be joining this late, Heather. {{{hugs}}}. Verbal abuse is as bad, in a lot of ways, as physical abuse. It will destroy your peace of mind and your life. I found that trying to ignore rudeness and disrespect with my difficult child just led to escalated abuse. I found it completely unhelpful to allow potty mouth or nastiness to go unpunished. I know some authors say to ignore it, but I think it creates an assumption on the difficult child's part that it's ok to talk to others like that, and it perpetuates their mindset of grievance, aggression, and hostility.

To stop the nastiness I had to find something that really affected difficult child if I took it away. I also refused to continue a conversation if it turned nasty. husband and I have had sessions with difficult child where we've said, 'One more word and your laptop (WoW) is gone for a day.' And he kept going and we said, 'Two days.' Then it was 'a week'; 'two weeks'; every time he opened his mouth to continue arguing, even one word, we just upped the ante. He shut up fast. It's taken a couple of times with us being consistent but he learns really fast when it's something he cares about. If he says we never told him to do something we just say, 'We told you. You heard it. This is the consequence of not doing it.' If he lies we say, 'I don't believe you. I don't have to give you proof. Here are the consequences.' When we stopped being generous, always giving him the benefit of the doubt, and when we refused rude conversations and took action instead, he became much easier to deal with. He doesn't like having lost control, but it's out of his hands now. I never ask him if he did something, now; if I think he did it, I tell him he did it and ask when. He admits things if I'm confident; if I show any hesitation or doubt of myself he takes control. So I'm done with doubting.

When he was 13 we stripped his room and did that whole thing. It also made an impact. He threatened to call 911, to run away, etc., but he never did. I realize some kids would, but then they would encounter the next level of consequences.

It really sounds like you need to regroup and regain your peace of mind. You have a right to your own life. Is there any possibility of respite care, or of residential placement for a time? It would do your difficult child a world of good to see what her alternatives are.

I'm sorry things are so bad.

 

[prescottsunshine]

I am in the boat with you and am not sure what the future holds for me, my son and his dad. I am sorry that you are having a similar experience. I liked the suggestion of taking their things away incrementally if they can't stop talking to us with anger. I know that, for me, it is hard to stay consistent with taking stuff away and keeping it away because my son seems to sneak into my room and take it. Anyway...I am going to try it this week. Please stay pro active and try little things that you can find success in. Also, try to do 1 thing a week that is purely fun with your daughter. Last week I went horse back riding with my son and we had a blast! It is nice to have a fun time with him when everything else is turmoil and anger.

Much love,
T

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry she is making YOU so miserable. If she wants to be miserable that is one thing, but this is another.

I suggested the L&L book (I think the one for teens would be the one you want - but look at the website, it may have enough there to help some www.loveandlogic.com) because it has specific strategies for taking control back.

What does Wynter DO all day at home? Apparently it isn't schoolwork, so is she on the computer, listening to music, cooking, reading or what? Maybe if there is something you can use as a carrot to get her to quit the argueing that would work? Say take her fangs and black clothes and lock them up. Only let her have them IF she has gone a day with-o argueing or yelling at you? Buy some sweet pink and pastel clothes at a thrift store. Let them be the ONLY clothes available until she stops the horrible behavior?

Let school deal with school. If she has to go back to brick and mortar school, well, tell they you are physically unable to force her to leave, so they need to send the truant officer to come get her. When he comes, let her go in her jammies or whatever. But place it all on the school. You are DISABLED and YOU need services to help with her.

It might even be a possibility to call CPS and ask them for help. Say you are physically incapable of handling her, she needs a group home or Residential Treatment Center (RTC) due to her depression and the way she is treating you. Ask them for help. Maybe if she goes, she will see that it really IS good with you, and she will come home and behave more appropriately? I am just throwing out suggestions.

It may be that she needs an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) where they would maybe find medications to help with the depression and force her to face up to the responsibility of dealing with her anxieties, etc in a better way?

I hope things improve soon, one way or another.

 

[flutterbee]

I think our kids have a sixth sense about when we've neared our breaking point...cause I haven't shown it outwardly.

Today, Wynter got on to do her school work without being asked and tried very hard to trudge through math, which she isn't getting at all. Devon and 2 of his friends helped her, but she still barely understands it. (Quadratic equations...I'm lost, too.) But, she kept plugging away. I sent an email to her teacher explaining and asked her to call Wynter on Monday to help her. We're still waiting on the math tutor, and I'll be calling on Monday to check on that.

She came to me later and told me that she doesn't think her anxiety about school is just about physically going to school. She said when she signed on and started to do the work, she started to shake.

She got on. She tried and she worked hard. She spent over 2 hours on one assignment without melting down.

That's all I need to carry on another day.

 

[Marguerite]

I wish I could step across and help with the quadratic equations, Heather. They aren't really that hard, if you can find the way that works for you. I learned them by ignoring the way the school was trying to teach them and found my own method that worked better for me.

A quadratic equation can be a scary looking thing when you know you don't get them. I know they had me bluffed for years. I mean - they're a mixture of three different terms that can't be combined any further: a squared pronumeral, a pronumeral with a factor multiplying it, and an integer.
Example - Xsquared - 3X - 4.

What worked for me was to just LOOK at it, and look at the numbers at the front.
Xsquared - it has a factor of 1, here. -3X has a factor of -3. and -4 - that could be 4 x 1 or 2 x 2, one of those numbers being negative.

Instead of drawing that silly cross thing, I just began to write the answer, two brackets. Because the first fragment of the problem was Xsquared, I knew that I needed to write:

(X - ?) (X - ?). I put "-" signs in, because all they need is a vertical line to turn them into "+" signs. They put the space in that I need, for the mathematical symbol.

Next I look at the second term - "-3X". When you multiply out a bracketed problem like this, you get two lots of X times a digit (here, shown above by "?"). First you get the first X being multiplied by the integer in the second brackets, then the second X being multiplied by the integer in the first brackets. Since they are both "X times integer" they add together easily. You might have X times 5 plus 3 times X - that comes to 5X + 3X which neatly adds to 8X. But that's not the answer to our example here.

So we have, for Xsquared - 3X - 4, the answer so far as (X - ?) (X - ?). Because the last term is minus, we know that one of these brackets HAS to be minus and one plus (because + times - gives a -factor; - times - gives a plus).

Now we go to the last term, or fragment of the quadratic: -4. What are the possible factors of -4? They are 2 x 2, or 4 x 1. One factor is +, the other is -. But which? For the answer, we look back at the second term. What factors multiply to make -4, but add to make -3?

Clearly it can't be 2 and 2. It has to be 1 and 4. So I write in the digits to replace the "?" and we now have (X - 1) (X - 4).
This is NOT yet the answer - we need to check the signs and multiply it through to make sure we've got the answer. But to add together to get get -3, we need the - in front of the 4, the + in front of the 1. That would give the answer: (X + 1) (X - 4).

To multiply it through: first you multiply everything in the second bracket (X - 4) by X, then you multiply it by +1. You then arrange it all so the like terms are all together and it looks neat. Does it work?

It should. X times X is X squared. Then it's X times 1, which is X. Then it's -4 times X, plus -4 x 1.
So you get Xsquared + 1X - 4X - 4. Right.

It's awkward trying to do this without using superscripts, but once you understand how it's supposed to work, and understand it in your own way, it should be easy. Sometimes you just have to find a different way that works for you.

If difficult child worked so hard, even if she didn't make a lot of progress - good for her!

Something I might suggest - we bought a cheap computer tuition CD ROM which was a summary of basic high school maths. It's like a revision book, only it's on computer. It cost us about A$60 at most and we've found it very helpful. Seriously - the sooner you can get on top of maths problems that are causing you trouble, the less ground you lose in your confidence. Sometimes we're looking for something to be more difficult than it really is, and can't believe it's so simple; there HAS to be a catch. It's how it's taught sometimes, the teacher approaching with fear and trepidation so the student is already thinking, "I'll never get this!"

A did this a few times at school - just ignored the way the teacher was doing it and read the textbook for myself, working out my own method.

The other option is to get someone to give her (or you) some coaching on how to do it. But if you can, see if you can find a simple (and cheap) computer disc first. Ours was from a mob called The Learning Company; I don't know if this helps.

Marg

 

[TerryJ2]

Woo hoo! Way To Go Heather and Wynter!
That is so cool.
I feel for you about the math, too. Breaking it down into bitesize pcs is essential. At some point, someone will explain it the way she best learns it and the lightbulb will go off.
I'm glad she was able to observe her reaction when she sat down to do her math. I hope you told her it was a good insight and a good way for her to take control.

I'm so happy for your little window of hope. I know the feeling.

 

[Wiped Out]

Heather,
Just wanted to say I feel your pain. Luckily you have received lots of good ideas because we're struggling with much of the same here. Hugs. Glad today was better.