karisma
Member
I have decided to petition my son. Actually it won't be me doing it, a very good friend of mine works for the place where the police will take him, the hospital, once a judge signs the order. She has asked me several times to do this and I have always said no. I have been afraid that he will lose his trust in me and that he would convince them that he is fine, merely a victim of a hysterical mother. He can be quite articulate and lucid when speaking to authorities. He will deny all symptoms , refuse help and they will cut him loose. That's what I thought but she has convinced me that she can get him a longer commitment and court ordered halidol. She says its amazing when they "wake up" from the psychosis and get their minds back. I am scared to have hope. But he's not going to make it if something doesn't happen. He won't tell me but I am positive he hears voices. He has been referring to himself as "we" instead of "I". He's slipping farther and farther away. And if it doesn't work, then at least I tried everything. He is so very ill. He has no clue that he is sick or what reality is. He lashed out at me for the first time in years a couple days ago on the train platform. Said he would kill me. He got upset because I was trying to talk to him about going to his sentencing and how he is going to have to be clean for probation, and he went crazy yelling at me. I just walked away. He followed me silently and did not say anything else, but it is highly unusual for him to threaten me like that. Not since he was about 14.
Anyhow, my friend is right. And him trusting me doesn't matter, we have to try to save his life. And she will be the name on the paperwork. She has known him many years So he will easily believe I did not have anything to do with it.
I had resigned myself to the fact he would die or even worse, just disappear, leaving me wondering what happened to him for the rest of my life, or worse yet, snap and hurt someone and do a very long prison sentence. And perhaps those might still be his fate, but at least I won't regret that I didn't petition him. My friend feels I would not be able to go on with that kind of regret. She is right.
I went and bought him a bunch of food and ice tonight for the cooler I keep on my friends patio for him. He fell asleep almost instantly, but told me he love me and that it's good to see me. I would lay down my life and die for him to just be at peace, unfortunately God won't accept that deal.
I have been absolutely devastated lately, worse than usual and I thought I was at the zenith of my agony over him. Its hard because he is so ill and rarely lashes out so there is no anger or feeling like I am just done being abused by him to temper my sadness. He used to be quite abusive before he went into the deep psychosis that he has resided in for the last two years. Verbally abusive I mean. For whatever reason he just stopped being that way. He does a weird screaming thing that is absolutely heart breaking, but he's not screaming at me. Not sure who it's toward exactly. Probably someone in his head, a voice I suppose. He's absolutely tormented and sometimes lately I wish he would die so his suffering would be over. Isn't that a horrible thing to wish? God, please do not let me hope. That is the most dangerous place I can go In my head, yet I find it creeping ln, skulking around the edges of my traumatised psyche. I know what happens when I let hope in, and I can't endure the pain of losing hope again. It does feel good to have made this decision though. I will not attach to the outcome. I will allow the professional, my friend, to do her job and accept whatever results. Thanks for being here. Goodnight
Anyhow, my friend is right. And him trusting me doesn't matter, we have to try to save his life. And she will be the name on the paperwork. She has known him many years So he will easily believe I did not have anything to do with it.
I had resigned myself to the fact he would die or even worse, just disappear, leaving me wondering what happened to him for the rest of my life, or worse yet, snap and hurt someone and do a very long prison sentence. And perhaps those might still be his fate, but at least I won't regret that I didn't petition him. My friend feels I would not be able to go on with that kind of regret. She is right.
I went and bought him a bunch of food and ice tonight for the cooler I keep on my friends patio for him. He fell asleep almost instantly, but told me he love me and that it's good to see me. I would lay down my life and die for him to just be at peace, unfortunately God won't accept that deal.
I have been absolutely devastated lately, worse than usual and I thought I was at the zenith of my agony over him. Its hard because he is so ill and rarely lashes out so there is no anger or feeling like I am just done being abused by him to temper my sadness. He used to be quite abusive before he went into the deep psychosis that he has resided in for the last two years. Verbally abusive I mean. For whatever reason he just stopped being that way. He does a weird screaming thing that is absolutely heart breaking, but he's not screaming at me. Not sure who it's toward exactly. Probably someone in his head, a voice I suppose. He's absolutely tormented and sometimes lately I wish he would die so his suffering would be over. Isn't that a horrible thing to wish? God, please do not let me hope. That is the most dangerous place I can go In my head, yet I find it creeping ln, skulking around the edges of my traumatised psyche. I know what happens when I let hope in, and I can't endure the pain of losing hope again. It does feel good to have made this decision though. I will not attach to the outcome. I will allow the professional, my friend, to do her job and accept whatever results. Thanks for being here. Goodnight
