I have elected to tell my son to get treatment and be sober before we talk again.
- Thread starter kennedyland
- Start date
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
I would wait a few days before responding....I think if it was me (oh wait this was me!) I would let him know that when he is ready for treatment I will help him find it , get there etc. I think often once they are ready for treatment they don't know where to turn, and you probably want him to know he can turn to you for help. It is often easier to fall back on drugs then take the next step towards being clean....so I think you want to be there when he really wants to take the next step.
*TL
*TL
kennedyland
New Member
Question: Is there such a thing as Parent Abuse? Now that I've received two vile text messages from my son, I have to admit they hit hard. While I can say that it was the addict talking and rationalizing, it felt like a series of strong punches to the belly. I can't imagine every talking with my own father the way he wrote to me. Has anyone done any research on this issue?
AppleCori
Well-Known Member
Darn right, there is such a thing as parental abuse, and the majority of parents on this board have experienced it. In fact, many are experiencing it daily.
By the way, hugs to your wife. Step-moms are always the convenient scapegoat for the difficult children. Adds a nice little extra layer of guilt onto you for having a life outside of difficult child.
By the way, hugs to your wife. Step-moms are always the convenient scapegoat for the difficult children. Adds a nice little extra layer of guilt onto you for having a life outside of difficult child.
Calamity Jane
Well-Known Member
Yes, that certainly is emotional/verbal abuse. He is ratcheting it up because he wants you to rage at him, which will justify HIS abuse of you.
You can strike back, or you can say something like, "You're sick. You need help. We still love you and that will never change." He will be dumbfounded and confounded.
I know every cell in your body wants to tell him to jump in the lake, but that's just what this addiction wants you to do.
It is very difficult to get past the nauseous feeling that you've been spoken to so horrifically by your son, even if it was "the drugs" talking. Yes, I would never imagine speaking to either of my parents that way, but we have not been in the throes of addiction, either. They sure know how to hurt us and push our buttons. In our situation, these vile episodes were followed by shame and guilt, self-hatred, even suicidal tendencies on the part of difficult child. Finally, difficult child got help, and it has taken us and him a long time to get past his truly inhuman behavior while on drugs. Rest assured, self hatred is your son's primary motivator right now.
You can strike back, or you can say something like, "You're sick. You need help. We still love you and that will never change." He will be dumbfounded and confounded.
I know every cell in your body wants to tell him to jump in the lake, but that's just what this addiction wants you to do.
It is very difficult to get past the nauseous feeling that you've been spoken to so horrifically by your son, even if it was "the drugs" talking. Yes, I would never imagine speaking to either of my parents that way, but we have not been in the throes of addiction, either. They sure know how to hurt us and push our buttons. In our situation, these vile episodes were followed by shame and guilt, self-hatred, even suicidal tendencies on the part of difficult child. Finally, difficult child got help, and it has taken us and him a long time to get past his truly inhuman behavior while on drugs. Rest assured, self hatred is your son's primary motivator right now.
Yes there is parent abuse. I seriously would not respond to his texts. He is irrational. By responding you just continue a back and forth exchange that will serve no purpose. He needs to cool down. You may say things you don't mean, it's very easy to do, I know. He wants to continue to engage you, the best thing is to not play into his hands.
kennedyland
New Member
I have another question. Has anybody been afraid their chemically dependent son or daughter will get physically violent? Has that fear come to pass with actual violence? Are there any signs that they might do something? After the awful texts we received from my son - one a month ago, and a second yesterday- she is afraid he might come over here and do something. He has not threatened any physical violence. Indeed, he hasn't made any threats at all. He's called her a couple of awful names, he says I am abandoning him (we are retired and moving this summer), and that I am ignoring his problems. But the anger, the insults, and the venom in those texts has my wife very concerned. I'll admit, the thought of him trying something desperate has crossed my mind. Again, there haven't been any threats, but the verbal (written) violence has been strong. Have you had similar feelings? How do you handle them? Thanks.
AmericanGirl
Member
I have. I threw my difficult child out a week ago.
a couple of times in the last month, I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when he was talking to me. He was critical, as always, but never violent. He has idiot friends who pose with guns on FB, etc.
i bought mace and pepper spray immediately before I told him I was throwing him out. My sponsor insisted, but I agreed. I gave him and my sister the codes to access find my iphone. I also promised to always let someone know if I was meeting difficult child.
his point was difficult child has a big mouth and hangs with idiots. I don't need them coming over here to look for valuables at difficult child's direction.
my suggestion is to be prudent, not paranoid.
sorry you are in this boat.
a couple of times in the last month, I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when he was talking to me. He was critical, as always, but never violent. He has idiot friends who pose with guns on FB, etc.
i bought mace and pepper spray immediately before I told him I was throwing him out. My sponsor insisted, but I agreed. I gave him and my sister the codes to access find my iphone. I also promised to always let someone know if I was meeting difficult child.
his point was difficult child has a big mouth and hangs with idiots. I don't need them coming over here to look for valuables at difficult child's direction.
my suggestion is to be prudent, not paranoid.
sorry you are in this boat.
I too have been afraid if my difficult child in the past. My husband travels a lot and she has been violent. I called the police in her many times so I wouldn't hesitate to do that. Eventually we put her in treatment,and when she relapsed we made her leave.
I agree with AG, be prudent but not paranoid.
I agree with AG, be prudent but not paranoid.
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
I have not actually been afraid of my son but the thought has definitely crossed my mind. When we initially kicked my son out it was after I told him he had 2 weeks to start following the rules. At that point he threatened to bash my teeth in! I knew he wouldn't do it as long as I did not go head to head with him, but if I had h would probably have hurt me. Instead I went off and cried and then went to the police and had them come and no trespass him from the house.
So I agree pay attention but don't panic. I think the fact that your son is saying you ar abandoning him and his problems is actually a good sign! It means he cares and that is good. I definitely do not think you should respond while he is being vile and verbally abusive. But at some point asking him about both feeling abandoned and what he sees as his problems could be helpful. I think dealing with substance abuse issues is way more than to stop using but to deal with the underlying problems...so the fact he admits having those open an important door. Now being vile and blaming you for everything isn't useful but it does sound like there is a door opening a crack.
TL
So I agree pay attention but don't panic. I think the fact that your son is saying you ar abandoning him and his problems is actually a good sign! It means he cares and that is good. I definitely do not think you should respond while he is being vile and verbally abusive. But at some point asking him about both feeling abandoned and what he sees as his problems could be helpful. I think dealing with substance abuse issues is way more than to stop using but to deal with the underlying problems...so the fact he admits having those open an important door. Now being vile and blaming you for everything isn't useful but it does sound like there is a door opening a crack.
TL
kennedyland
New Member
I hit a downward spiral all weekend. Now I feel fine and confident. Can anyone explain that? I'm serious, can anyone explain why I feel good about all of this?
I can't explain anything in psychological terms I'll just tell you my experience. One of the reasons so many of us refer to dealing with our addict loved ones as being on a roller coaster is because it is. I found myself having a series of awful dark days followed by ones where I was able to put things into perspective and find things in life to be happy about. Much of it depended on what chaos my difficult child was causing in our lives at the time. If it was a quiet period I was able to relax a bit but if she was in contact with us and causing trouble I was a wreck.
Calamity Jane
Well-Known Member
It takes a great deal of courage to stand up for what is right, in the face of the verbal (text abuse) by your son, and the lack of support from your other children. It is exhausting, debilitating and it takes a whole lot of energy. It weighs on your mind, and it tires your body. Sleep is lost, energy is at a minimum.
Once you commit, however, and remain strong, their barbs can no longer hurt you, and now you feel energized. Until the next round, lol.
Once you commit, however, and remain strong, their barbs can no longer hurt you, and now you feel energized. Until the next round, lol.
kennedyland
New Member
Thanks for the support. It feels good to be where I am at the moment, however I know there is darkness ahead, but I can get through it. Plus, we just sold our house for more than the asking price! To keep the yin and yang going, a snowstorm is starting as I type this. We should have 9 inches on the ground within 12 hours, and it's April 22. For the moment, however, I don't mind the snow. (That's a metaphor....get it? I mean, there really is a snow storm going on, but the imagery works. ) Thanks.
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
I find I have good days and reall bad days... and soem of it depends on what is going on with my difficult child. However I have found with time that the good happen more often than they used to and the bad less often, even when things feel hopeless with difficult child. I think a lot of it is learning to detach, taking care of myself and remembering my committment to myself not to let my difficult child ruin my life no matter what.
TL
TL
kennedyland
New Member
A couple of questions to toss out there and to listen to your ideas. If you've been reading this thread, you know I came to a difficult decision about my son. His 13 years of drug use, of not taking responsibility for his life, of his moving from one awful apartment to the next awful apartment, of his mood swings (great guy - sarcastic bully - self-pity - and so on), his lack of washing, cleaning, and drifting from one awful job to the next got to me. I told him I wouldn't talk to or see him until he elected to get treatment and was working on being sober. So far I have stuck to my guns on all of this. His response has been to tell me a large number of insults, to tell me to just admit I'm wrong so we can go back to where things were, to condemning my wife, and on and on. I've responded with love but I have not backed down from my position. So my question is this - am I taking responsibility for myself by not caving into his drug use and demands, or am I trying to force a solution to a problem? My daughter won't respond to my emails or acknowledge gifts I gave her (she is pregnant and we gave her, her husband, and my grandson gifts), my ex wife pays for my son's health insurance and cell phone claiming it is not enabling, and I'm between a rock and a hard place. I feel if I talk to him now, with no concessions on his part, I will be going back to square one. On the other hand, am I doing a very non-ALANON thing by forcing a solution (having him take responsibility for his drug use) on this whole mess? Or, am I simply trying to stop playing into his world of drugs, lies, and irresponsible behavior? Your ideas are welcome.
I'm going to be perfectly blunt here. I think you are worrying far too much about what your son thinks about the fact that you decided enough was enough of his destructive ways. I understand you wish things were different but it is what it is and you need to move on. I assume you and your wife have a good relatonship. That should be your focus now, not the craziness of your son's life. If he wants to continue being irresposible and feeding off everyone else that's his problem.
I love my daughter very much but I just won't live the rest of my life in the chaos that she chooses to live hers.
You are not forcing your son into treatment. Trust me you can't force him into anything, he will do what he wants to do. He needs to see you go on with your life and find happiness and joy in other things and for him to understand that the world does not revolve around him.
Do you think any of your kids attitude has something to do with your divorce and remarriage?
I love my daughter very much but I just won't live the rest of my life in the chaos that she chooses to live hers.
You are not forcing your son into treatment. Trust me you can't force him into anything, he will do what he wants to do. He needs to see you go on with your life and find happiness and joy in other things and for him to understand that the world does not revolve around him.
Do you think any of your kids attitude has something to do with your divorce and remarriage?
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
OK this is what I think. You need to listen to your heart and follow it. I would not worry about if you do this will he do this or think this..... it should not be a power struggle. You need to do what feels right to you.... fact is dealing with an addicted love one is pure hell and sometimes we change our thoughts and feelings as we get clarity.... so it is ok for you to change your direction if that is what feels right to you. It is also find to hold your ground.
My guess is the issues with your daughter are more than the specific issue with your son. I think if you can try to let her know you are thinking about her and would like to talk with her about what is going on between the two of you. It could be a lot of things.... possibly like Nancy mentioned issues around the divorce, possibly issues around your focus your son when she had needs to (I know this was an issue for my daughter).
FWIW I would continue to pay for health insurance for my son and pay his cell phone that is because it makes me feel better to know he can get health care and to stay in contact.... it was too hard for me when he had lost his phone and I had absolutely no way to contact him or to know where he was... when he was homeless. That was excrutiating and made it worth it to me to pay his cell phone.
Hang in there,
TL
My guess is the issues with your daughter are more than the specific issue with your son. I think if you can try to let her know you are thinking about her and would like to talk with her about what is going on between the two of you. It could be a lot of things.... possibly like Nancy mentioned issues around the divorce, possibly issues around your focus your son when she had needs to (I know this was an issue for my daughter).
FWIW I would continue to pay for health insurance for my son and pay his cell phone that is because it makes me feel better to know he can get health care and to stay in contact.... it was too hard for me when he had lost his phone and I had absolutely no way to contact him or to know where he was... when he was homeless. That was excrutiating and made it worth it to me to pay his cell phone.
Hang in there,
TL
