I made him leave.

[Copabanana]

There is a special on CNN right now, I think. The CNN anchors pick a person who has been special in their lives without whom their lives would not be the same. Chris Cuomo picked his 9 year old son, named Mario, after his grandfather.

The bulk of the segment takes place on a boat with father and son fishing.

It seems that Chris Cuomo had a difficult relationship with his young son who from the beginning seemed "run the other way." The expectations of the father were not realized in his relationship with his son. The father saw he was trying to impose on his son the relationship that he himself had had with his own father, and it was not working. The realization for the father was that he was trying to use authority and perhaps even fear. When he saw that he was appalled.

He sought all kinds of help including psychotherapy so that he could learn how not only effectively father his son, but find a different kind of relationship that would sustain the two. He saw that his son was his best teacher, that if he as father gave up trying to win, and let his child have his way, his voice, it would be a new and better way for the father to get what he wanted. It was really a lovely story to see Chris Cuomo, so macho, almost arrogant, Type A reveal his vulnerability and how lost and hurt he was, with his own child. The beauty of the resolution was heartfelt for both of them.

I came away with a new respect for the man. And for the child.

I feel that there is something similar I need to do with my own child. Now grown. There is a transformation that must happen in me, as I deal with him. Because now I feel utterly defeated, bereft, empty. I am losing. If I keep going this way I fear I will die like this. I have never felt so close to pure defeat.

COPA

 

[Kalahou]

There is a transformation that must happen in me, as I deal with him.

Dear Copa,
Your last posts showed some major and valuable insight.

Your mini bio left me so thankful for your blessed life, and for the special relationship you had with your son. Realize my dear that every moment prepares for and builds to result in the next moment. I am coming to realize all in our lives is what it is, because it is as it should be. Believing this has brought me some peace to live with the attitude of gratitude and give thanks in ALL things (not just the good things), convinced that all things work together for good.

A saying I heard about 50 years ago has stuck with me and often reminded me of the need to change myself. The quote is something like this …. “If you cannot change what you see, then change how you see it… “ This is not always an easy process. For myself, it has required me to change myself and my outlook in order to survive. “Change me, make me new “ became my mini-mantra.

Much healing can be gained by acceptance and surrender. Eckhardt Tolle has this to say:
"When you say "yes" to the "isness" of life, when you accept this moment as it is, you can feel a sense of spaciousness within you that is deeply peaceful."

I was led today to look up the essay “On Children” by Kahlil Gibran. This is some good wisdom to ponder. Some excerpts below:

" Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
…
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
…
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. "
…
_________________________________
Take care, friend warrior. I am following your post, and send best thoughts for your quick health recovery, and for a newness of life in your spirits. Bless.
~ ~ Kalahou

 

[Kalahou]

I came away with a new respect for the man. And for the child.

I feel that there is something similar I need to do with my own child. Now grown. There is a transformation that must happen in me, as I deal with him. Because now I feel utterly defeated, bereft, empty. I am losing.

You are not losing. Recognizing this valuable wisdom in the need for change is your next step in winning !
I mua ... go forward

 

[BusynMember]

You are not weak. You are burned out. I think you should go east if just for a vacation. You deserve it. Please take care of yourself. And know the difference between weakness and burnout.
Hugs!!!!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

When my son is here in my town I cannot bear it. I feel like my life is over. I do not want to see or talk to him. I did this with my family, too. I think I am at heart a very weak and defective person. That is all I can say. I am very, very sad. And sick.

I would still love to go back east. Just leave my house for a while.

Have you spoken with your doctor regarding what is happening with your stomach, Copa? Like aspirin and ibuprofen, some SSRIs can irritate the mucus lining protecting the stomach.

***

Your son's behavior does not define you, Copa.

That we turn our feelings against ourselves this way when bad things happen is an artifact of the way we were brought up. How hurtful for you that this is happening now. You are a fine and a very strong person. Really smart, too.

There are times when there is no answer to anything that is happening. If there were a solution Copa, you would have found it already. To have your grown man son blow his own chances and show up at your home in the outrageous middle of the night and to have stood up to him ~ which you did, is going to tumble you into that same old, hellishly familiar mindset. But you changed something this time, Copa. You didn't let him see you sweat it. As far as your son knows, you are strongly committed to the path you have laid out for him: To behave like the man he was raised to be.

You did good, Copa. You made something change. It will take time for your son to believe you. That's okay. You are in it for the long term. It was not helping him ~ nothing you did was helping him, the other way. With this new way of thinking and behaving Copa, he will have a chance. For sure, he has a chance now he would never have had if you had allowed him to move home and pick up where he left off.

So, in a way, if we look at it like that, you win.

You are winning, right now.

It just doesn't feel that way.

Your goal is to change your son's mindset. Remember that he took over for himself on his health care. That was a battle too Copa, but you did the right thing.

You can do this.

Your son is worth it.

Cedar