I need a life jacket

[PamjO]

His former employer is pressing charges-the summons arrived today, which he did not share with me - but I happened to get the mail...and snuck a peek at a later time. This is the second job in 8 months that he has lost due to stealing; I bailed him out of the first one by paying his restitution. I will not do that this time. I am going to stand my ground-remembering that he not only used drugs in my home, but he used them while I was "at" home...he's 20 years old and he's going to have to figure this one out on his own. I love my son, but he needs to go. Maybe this will be the rock bottom, wake-up call I have been praying for.

Pam

 

[DDD]

Truly I wish I had the resources to hire advertising companies to put BIG signs in every community "Do Not Judge Your Neighbors If You See Police Visiting!". Literally (and this is so so sad to me) my husband and I have both been honored by various communities for our multiple contributions to society and in my case to youth.

Have I ever had the police at the door? You bet your sweet bippy. I have had THREE cop cars pull up before dark as neighbors were coming home from work. Yikes. Why??? Because they travel in packs and they (in that instance) were trying to locate a difficult child who was "on the run" by asking my difficult child questions on the front lawn. Lord give us all strength to survive.

I'm sorry. Hang in there. Believe me you are not alone. We don't live in "the hood" but, alas, some of the neighbors surely believe that difficult child#1 should. Sigh. DDD

 

[PamjO]

Well the latest is that the former employer has filed charges against my son for the stealing. My son has received a court summons, which he did not share with me, but I was able to steal a peek. He will need a lawyer, and I am sure there will be court costs, fines, and restitution assessed against hm. He doesn't seem to be taking this seriously. He has no income, and I have no obligation to cover the costs - which I will not do. Any idea how the court handles cases for people like my son who have no financial resources? My son can likely get a public defender to represent him, but what about fines and restitution? What happens if he doesn't pay-is a judgement filed against him?

 

[recoveringenabler]

When my daughter was going through her legal issues and didn't have any money, the court here in CA. set up a payment plan with her for all the fees and restitution, she pays about $25 or $50 per month (for a long time) I believe they work with what you've got and as long as you make those payments you're good to go. If he doesn't pay them I imagine a bench warrant would go out for him, but I am not certain of that, other parents likely have better information than I do. Take care of yourself through all of this............(((HUGS))))

 

[PamjO]

My son started outpatient rehab this week...it is a huge step that I have been pushing for since last Fall, but I am not convinced it's going to work. He is in rehab, but has not stopped using. Today I attended my first al-anon meeting...it was great and I will go back next week. Thank you to all of you who recommended it. I found what I feel is a good group-very friendly-I felt very welcomed. Taking it day-by-day...trying hard to find the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change.

Pam

 

[Nancy]

That's wonderful Pam. I'm thrilled you found an al anon group you connect with, that makes all the difference. My support groups are my saving grace.

One day at a time is how we get through. Let us know how it goes

Nancy

 

[Rumpole]

Well the latest is that the former employer has filed charges against my son for the stealing. My son has received a court summons, which he did not share with me, but I was able to steal a peek. He will need a lawyer, and I am sure there will be court costs, fines, and restitution assessed against hm. He doesn't seem to be taking this seriously. He has no income, and I have no obligation to cover the costs - which I will not do. Any idea how the court handles cases for people like my son who have no financial resources? My son can likely get a public defender to represent him, but what about fines and restitution? What happens if he doesn't pay-is a judgement filed against him?

Disclaimer: This is not legal advice, liability is excluded for any loss, howsoever caused

Formalities out of the way, it's worth telling you that the only advice he'll get from a public defender is to plead guilty. They are so overworked that they rarely have an opportunity to properly look through the circumstances of the case and then make a decision about whether to contest the charge. Does the prosecution authority have any evidence? His employer may be able to tell based on circumstance and common sense, but that's not quite enough for a conviction.

If it's thousands of dollars, there probably is evidence. If it's less, I doubt there would be, the prosecutor will ask him to make a statement, they will make it sound as though it's entirely procedural and in fact they will probably make an effort to get him to admit to the offence.

Orders for costs are rarely made against people without income. The public defender system varies from state to state. If at all possible, it's worth looking up pro-bono services at nearby law schools, that kind of thing. The main thing would try obtain an outcome that means no conviction is recorded to be added to a criminal record.

 

[Srcsweet2]

Yes Pam I live in fear of getting that phone call....I actually have moved away and my son is just a mess states away now...it is a horrible feeling ..I completly understand

 

[Nancy]

Rumpole,

You are making assumptions again, this time about our legal system. Yes our public defenders are overworked but that's about the only thing I will agree with you on. Public defense attorneys will not just try to get you to plead guilty. It is their job to review the evidence and consult with everyone involved and if the evidence is strong enough, make the best deal possible for their client. In many states here if there is an underlying problem of drugs, which there often is in the case of theft from an employer, the case gets sent to drug court where they are best able to deal with the issue. The defendant may be required to go to treatment, which I know you don't agree with, and restitution made to the employer.

In any case Pam's son is an adult and his drugs are causing serious probelms in his life. Getting him out of this offense will in no way help him stop using drugs.

Nancy

 

[PamjO]

I not only need a life jacket, but a life ring, enflatable boat, etc. After a very brief outpatient rehab try (during which he was still using drugs), my son was admitted to residential inpatient rehab last week. The detox is complete, he is continuing in the program and will remain an inpatient for at least 30 days (longer if resources are available). He entered the program willingly and has not asked to come home or told me he is OK now. Although I am finding some peace knowing that he is getting the help he needs, I now realize the profound effect his drug addicition has had on me. I cannot get past the fear I feel when I walk through my front door (even though he is not there); I still do a quick inventory of the few belongings I still have in the home with some resale value; I still search for signs of drug use in my home; I still don't let my purse out of my sight; I still check my bank account balances every day (usually more than once) - the list is endless. I have been attending Al-Anon meetings, but I cannot get past the fear I have...and how I will ever be able to trust again. I feel so guilty because I don't know how I can ever live in the same house with my son again - even if he successfully completes the rehab program. How do you pick-up the pieces?

 

[Nancy]

Pam I am glad your son is in residential rehab. I hope you find the resources for him to stay past the 30 days. How do you pick up the pieces? One day at a time. It was essential for us that our difficult child go to a sober house after rehab because after her 60 days of rehab she was just beginning to learnhow to live sober and like you I could not go back to the days where I had to hide everything and never leave her in the hosue alone and sleep with one eye open and worry about every car that drove by and on and on. I had PTSD whe I would think of going back to those days. husband and I slept all night for the first time in years when she was in rehab.

Most rehabs will strongly suggest a sober living arrangement because they realize the damage the addiction has done to the family and puttiing the addict back in that same environment is just not productive. Does his treatment center have a family program? Can you express your fears to his counselor and ask what alternatives there are? I don't know where you live but there are many sober houses (sometimes called halfway or three quarter houses) where they continue their recovery program and slowly integrate back into society.

You are not alone, we have all felt like you have. Trust does not automatically come back. It takes a lot of sober living to overcome the damage drug use causes.

Hugs,
Nancy

 

[PamjO]

Yes, there is a family program at the treatment center. They also offer assistance in placement in halfway/sober living houses. My son has only been there for 5 days (since last Wed.)...I figure that was the detox period? I was able to visit last Saturday and the counselor told me at that time that sometime soon he would want me to come in and meet with my son and the counseling staff to discuss my son's progress in the program and what the next steps are. I am terribly anxious about the fact that I have a hard time getting any information on my son...because my son is over 18. In fact - the treatment center is under no obligation to even contact me if my son decides to leave the program. Really helps me sleep at night. I will visit agin this evening and will approach the subject of his progress again...my heart simply needs to know that he is OK. I am haunted by some of the drugs I now know he was using...I was aware of some, but not all of what he was using. I thank God he is drug free at least for now.

 

[PamjO]

Hello - I have not posted in a while. My son has 1 week left in a 30-day inpatient rehab program. When that is complete, we are trying to get him into a recovery house for 60 days. He does not want to go to the recovery house - he wants to come home. I have told him I will not allow him to return home until he is further along in his recovery. Couple questions for anyone who will answer...first, I did not realize how bad things were at home until he left and went into rehab. Anyone feel that way? I've had a chance to really look at his addiction, and what it has done to his life and mine. I realize I have been consumed with his addicition and problems for nearly a year now and have not had any peace until I was able to get him out of the home. What are recovery houses like? His counselor has given me some details, but I would like to hear from someone who has had their child living in a recovery house...and did it help them? Thanks so much...

 

[Nancy]

Pam, it is very common to realize how serious our loved ones addiction was once they go to rehab. While you are entrenched in daily life with your difficult child it is very difficult to see the whole picture. It takes some distance to gain clarity of the situation.

My daughter spent 60 days in residential treatment and then she came home. She should have gone to a recovery house because 60 days is not neary long enough for recovery to gain a hold. She did attend an intensive outpatient IOP through the treatment center but she relapsed shortly after she was released. Several months later she went to a recovery house (sober house or halfway house) and she stayed for four months. After her first three months she was able to get a job and we hoped she was well on her way in recovery but she relapsed shortly after and left the sober house. She is now living in an apartment in a bad part of town and barely making it and no longer in recovery.

I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear and I'm sorry I couldn't tell you it was a better outcome, but one thing I will say is that if he stands any chance at sustained sobriety it is best if he goes to a recovery house. Each sober house is different so please make sure you check them out very well. The one our difficult child went to was awesome and has a very good track record. During the first three months they have meetings every day, group discussions, outside counselors who come in several times a week, meet with their sponsor and work the steps, they do volunteer work in the community and they are restricted in where they can go. They are required to go to outside meetings every day after the first 30 days but they have to be driven by a long time AA members and it had to be of the same sex. the residents were responsible for cleaning the house and caring for the property and cooking food for the residents and grocery shopping. The idea is to build a sober support group so that when they do go out into society they don't fall right back into the same pattern with the same crowd. The cost for the one we used was $400 a month.

I encourage you to hold the line and require him to go to a recovery house. It is far too easy to relapse if he comes right back to the old environment. Thirty days is nothing in recovery.

Please keep us posted. by the way once my difficult child was out of the house and I saw how peaceful things could be I vowed to never ever go back to those dark days.

Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

I remember at some point after my son was out of the house how I stopped wanting to go to work Monday mornings!!! Not because anything had changed at work but because I was enjoying being home so much!! Before that I couldnt wait until Mondays so I could get out of the house and all the tension that was there with my son. I am with Nancy I never want to go back to the stress of having my son using drugs and living here... it is nice to have home be a place I enjoy being!!

I also agree that a recovery house is the best place after rehab. I think relapse is very common and he will need a lot of support to stay sober. He will also need to be pretty committed to it himself and that will be the real question. My son has been in several rehabs, several sober houses and has been kicked out of several sober houses... because he was using again. I dont think he himself has ever really been committed to being sober, it has always been how can he fool the system so he has a place to live. He now I am sad to say is living who knows where, very possibly on the street.

So i would look for a sober house with a caring environment, that is not too large and one that is serious about recovery and has lots of structure and support. There is a wide range of sober houses out there.. some really good and some not so good.

TL