ive been threw alot
New Member
thank you again he has always wanted to do martial arts and he will be doing therapy soon so thank you very much
i need help please with my son
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Copabanana
Well-Known Member
IB, I do hope you keep posting to tell us how you are doing and how your son is doing. Take care. Yes. It is very common that he forget (repress) the event and then remember it. This is very normal. It is good that he remembered.
ive been threw alot
New Member
the thing he's having trouble with is the whole thing with his sister and he feels like he is a bad person and he thinks he's going to go to hell for almost doing something 2 years ago
Well so far as the sister, I would consider that as "kids experimenting". The fact that he feels bad about it is a good thing! Truly "bad sex offender types" have no remorse whatsoever. They have no empathy. Your son does.
So to me that says he is a normal kid and not to worry. If he is bothered by it, take him to a Catholic church and confess/be forgiven (if they still do that?). Otherwise forget about it.
Shoot my first memory is at age 3. Before that I have no recollection whatsoever!
So to me that says he is a normal kid and not to worry. If he is bothered by it, take him to a Catholic church and confess/be forgiven (if they still do that?). Otherwise forget about it.
Shoot my first memory is at age 3. Before that I have no recollection whatsoever!
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
We all "almost" did stuff. The key is almost. He stopped himself. That is the thing he needs help acknowledging. To me he is an exemplary person, really cream of the crop.
How many people own up to impulses or fantasies, that are 3 or 4 times his age? Very, very few.
I think he is a very fine young man.
ive been threw alot
New Member
another thing he's started having nightmares about one of the boys trying to kill him for telling is this common
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Did the 14 year old force him or scare him into it?
Since it bothers him si much, i would personally take him in for an assessment to see if this was all normal or not. Also i would want to know if it traumarized him. Those are things Mom cant know. I like being proactive.
Two of my kids were sexually abused by a much older foster child and have no memory of it becaise the brain is good at protecting us from trauma. But it happened and it was forced. They did go to therapy directly related to this and are both doing well now.if he is hsving nightmares about this i would not ignore it. Something about this is off.
Since it bothers him si much, i would personally take him in for an assessment to see if this was all normal or not. Also i would want to know if it traumarized him. Those are things Mom cant know. I like being proactive.
Two of my kids were sexually abused by a much older foster child and have no memory of it becaise the brain is good at protecting us from trauma. But it happened and it was forced. They did go to therapy directly related to this and are both doing well now.if he is hsving nightmares about this i would not ignore it. Something about this is off.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
It is not uncommon to have nightmares with a history of a traumatic event or events. This is one symptom of PTSD.
To threaten him with death, to not tell, is most legally another crime by the 20 year old who seems like he was the leader. This cannot be moved beyond until this is dealt with in the air. He is a victim of crime the effects of which are terrorizing him. Two things have to be dealt with: the crime and the effect. The crime through the police; the effects of the crime on his psyche and life, with trained professionals. Had this been my own son I would go to the police. If there were death threats, this is much more serious.
I agree. If he is having nightmares, then likely the boy(s) forced/threatened him. And that would change everything in my book. If that was done, I would want to report it and get him counseling.
P.S. Due to the "sister" part of this, I would advise you to first go to a criminal attorney and ask for advice about what your son should/should not disclose. Tell all. or whatever.
P.S. Due to the "sister" part of this, I would advise you to first go to a criminal attorney and ask for advice about what your son should/should not disclose. Tell all. or whatever.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
He should probably disclose everything or the therapist cant help him. He needs to deal with all of it. I doubt if cps will be that alarmed if sis and bro are nearly the same age. Unless he says it has continued. If he did, you need to know to protect your daughter. Eiither way telling him not to disclose anything for any reason will put your son and family and a therapist at a huge disadvantage.
We dealt with serious counseling for molestation and sexual abuse. Abusers tell victims not to tell. Your son needs to feel it is safe to tell as does ypur daughter.
We dealt with serious counseling for molestation and sexual abuse. Abusers tell victims not to tell. Your son needs to feel it is safe to tell as does ypur daughter.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I think I know where Praecepta is coming from, that the disclosure by your son of what he told his baby sister, might bring risk to him and to the family.
The thing is your son is tortured by this incident. He is horrified by it. He has to be helped to forgive himself, to understand that nothing happened. He did nothing to her. That he is a child who was criminally sexually assaulted.
If you fear that there is more that may have happened that he has not yet disclosed, this too has to be faced. Because for the welfare of your son and your daughter, whatever did or did not happen has to be exposed and dealt with, for the well-being and the safety of them both.
That is why I believe it is in your son's and your best interest to rapidly go to the police and reveal all. Because it is clear your son was the victim in this. And to tell the whole truth about what the thing with his sister in context. To tell minimizes the risk, it does not amplify it.
What son was doing with his sister was symbolic. He was attempting to repeat the scenario that happened to him, except this time with control, no longer the victim. This is normal in these circumstances. He was trying to come to grips with a trauma that happened to him.
He could not go through with it. He did not. All that happened was verbal. She did not understand. He did not touch her as far as we know. So much about what you tell us about your son, I deeply admire.
I might consult a family law attorney who will understand how to protect your family and the kids. That has been my fear, that CPS might infer there is ongoing risk to your daughter.
That is the reason that I think you should be proactive. Because if your son does go to therapy, everything will be uncovered. Which is a good thing. Everything should be revealed.
But there could be the question, is the baby in risk? This is why I believe it is in his welfare and yours that he be defined as the victim in this case, with others as his perpetrators. Son is not a perpetrator. In this way you can explain that it was son's deep concern about his remark to his sister, that brought him forward to you to take responsibility. All of this on his part, place son in a very good light, with me at least.
I urge you to inquire about free victim's witness/victim of crime benefits through the district attorney of your county. Perhaps you can call the child sex crimes division of your police department and speak anonymously about their process in such a situation.
The thing is your son is tortured by this incident. He is horrified by it. He has to be helped to forgive himself, to understand that nothing happened. He did nothing to her. That he is a child who was criminally sexually assaulted.
If you fear that there is more that may have happened that he has not yet disclosed, this too has to be faced. Because for the welfare of your son and your daughter, whatever did or did not happen has to be exposed and dealt with, for the well-being and the safety of them both.
That is why I believe it is in your son's and your best interest to rapidly go to the police and reveal all. Because it is clear your son was the victim in this. And to tell the whole truth about what the thing with his sister in context. To tell minimizes the risk, it does not amplify it.
What son was doing with his sister was symbolic. He was attempting to repeat the scenario that happened to him, except this time with control, no longer the victim. This is normal in these circumstances. He was trying to come to grips with a trauma that happened to him.
He could not go through with it. He did not. All that happened was verbal. She did not understand. He did not touch her as far as we know. So much about what you tell us about your son, I deeply admire.
I might consult a family law attorney who will understand how to protect your family and the kids. That has been my fear, that CPS might infer there is ongoing risk to your daughter.
That is the reason that I think you should be proactive. Because if your son does go to therapy, everything will be uncovered. Which is a good thing. Everything should be revealed.
But there could be the question, is the baby in risk? This is why I believe it is in his welfare and yours that he be defined as the victim in this case, with others as his perpetrators. Son is not a perpetrator. In this way you can explain that it was son's deep concern about his remark to his sister, that brought him forward to you to take responsibility. All of this on his part, place son in a very good light, with me at least.
I urge you to inquire about free victim's witness/victim of crime benefits through the district attorney of your county. Perhaps you can call the child sex crimes division of your police department and speak anonymously about their process in such a situation.
If "abusers tell victims not to tell", then a lot of lawyers must be abusers! Because that is usually the advice they give to their clients (Don't say a word!)
Also I will say that lawyers seem to care less about the mental health of their clients (in my experience). They have a narrow vision and that is the legal case only - do what is legally best for the client and only that. So advice from a lawyer will be at odds from advice from a psychologist, CPS, and/or the juvenile justice system. This (the system) can be QUITE frustrating to say the least!
Anyway my thinking is to get advice from as many people as you can - be well informed. THEN decide what to do.
Also I will say that lawyers seem to care less about the mental health of their clients (in my experience). They have a narrow vision and that is the legal case only - do what is legally best for the client and only that. So advice from a lawyer will be at odds from advice from a psychologist, CPS, and/or the juvenile justice system. This (the system) can be QUITE frustrating to say the least!
Anyway my thinking is to get advice from as many people as you can - be well informed. THEN decide what to do.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Lawyers are not paychologists and their clients are usually not kids. CPS will probably get involved and may insist on talking to the daughter and its really about the mental health of the kids. All my kids were spoken to...the mental health of the kids came first. No kid can be trusted to keep quiet anyway.
The poster can do what she wants. I dont agree with telling a child victim of sexual abuse to not talk about it. They feel ashamed as it is. We did not suffer consequences at all. The child did because he was six years older so he was convicted of child abuse. There is no six year gap of age in this story. These two kids were both molested and both need to feel that its ok to talk about it...its can cause big issues otherwise. A Judge would pdobably order a Psychologist anyway and they are mandated reporters.
The child we had was 13. The courts take sexual abuse very seriously, even for minors and this will get looked into unless you make in my opinion the worst decision for the kids which is to hide it. Sexual behavior is a red light to judges and CPS. It is never good or easy. Both my kids were ordered to be seen by a sexual abuse physician who was kind but very thorough. We were lauded for cooperating. It is aleays possibly worse to try to hide sexual abuse. CPS is a government agency that Judges really validate, scarily even when CPS is wrong. As a foster and adoptive parent for the state...we learned about their power. Even a lawyer told us he was not sure he could do anything to help.
Again this is 100% your decision. I was most concerned about the mental health of my kids. This is a very tough issue. The foster boy (we actually had just adopted him weeks before we found out what he was doing) ended up in a sort of kid lock up for young sexual offenders and we had nothing to do with it. The county pressed charges, not us. But we found out late that he was a serial offender. We did not take him back in our home. He was too dangerous. Posters kid doesnt sound like him...
The poster can do what she wants. I dont agree with telling a child victim of sexual abuse to not talk about it. They feel ashamed as it is. We did not suffer consequences at all. The child did because he was six years older so he was convicted of child abuse. There is no six year gap of age in this story. These two kids were both molested and both need to feel that its ok to talk about it...its can cause big issues otherwise. A Judge would pdobably order a Psychologist anyway and they are mandated reporters.
The child we had was 13. The courts take sexual abuse very seriously, even for minors and this will get looked into unless you make in my opinion the worst decision for the kids which is to hide it. Sexual behavior is a red light to judges and CPS. It is never good or easy. Both my kids were ordered to be seen by a sexual abuse physician who was kind but very thorough. We were lauded for cooperating. It is aleays possibly worse to try to hide sexual abuse. CPS is a government agency that Judges really validate, scarily even when CPS is wrong. As a foster and adoptive parent for the state...we learned about their power. Even a lawyer told us he was not sure he could do anything to help.
Again this is 100% your decision. I was most concerned about the mental health of my kids. This is a very tough issue. The foster boy (we actually had just adopted him weeks before we found out what he was doing) ended up in a sort of kid lock up for young sexual offenders and we had nothing to do with it. The county pressed charges, not us. But we found out late that he was a serial offender. We did not take him back in our home. He was too dangerous. Posters kid doesnt sound like him...
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Copabanana
Well-Known Member
As far as we know your son did not act out with his sister except for verbally. This does not mean to trivialize this, but it is to put it into context. Of course there is the possibility something physical did happen but I doubt that anything will happen now. Your son has deep regret and sorrow. He is also opening up.
I believe by this thread you are exploring the situation you find yourself in. I believe the worst is behind you. I hope it is.
Your deep love and devotion to your son, I believe, will protect him.
I believe by this thread you are exploring the situation you find yourself in. I believe the worst is behind you. I hope it is.
Your deep love and devotion to your son, I believe, will protect him.
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Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I've been threw a lot is concerned about the mental health of both of her kids. That is why she is posting here.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
My kids thought it was their fault.
