I need to be tied to the mast.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Copabanana, Sep 14, 2018.

  1. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Hoping and praying you have a good meeting tomorrow!!
     
  2. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    Excited for you! Pray he calls tonight and you'll have a great meeting tomorrow.
     
  3. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Copa, I hope he called and followed through. If not, it is his loss. I have gotten to the point that I don't contact my ds. When he contacts me I respond but I do not initiate and when he doesn't follow through on something I don't chase him. There is always an excuse, my phone was dead, I lost my phone for a bit (??) Always something.
    If your son is cold and wants something dollars to doughnuts you will hear from him. If he has someplace to stay and doesn't need/want something you won't. They only think of themselves. The don't think of and don't care how they affect us.

    Hugs Copa. Prayers it works out.
     
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    No. He did not call. Just as well. I am tired. I would have told him I made other plans. I did. I will stay in bed and do my Hebrew homework.

    I am not freaking out. If he lost his phone he would have to borrow one. But if he lost his phone, how did he know I texted and called?
    Thank you Tired. I feel it is working out. I am making the result about me, not him. It is so much better for me now since I spoke to him last week. I feel like a new person.

    I am grateful to be back in contact with him. Grateful to be trying to work things out. Grateful that he contacted me. I have decided I want to be back in the game. But I will not be the only player, like before. He needs to show credibility and commitment. So far, that is lacking. But I am letting go. Thank you Tired.
     
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Dont be so sure he wont be back in contact tonight or tomorrow!! He may have a poor sense of the time.

    Hugs!!!
     
  6. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Copa, is the number he texted you from different from the number he texted you from before?
    I have also started to think about what I want not what ds wants.
    It's about time we all take care of ourselves! We owe it to ourselves .
     
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  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is a good point. Thank you SWOT.
    I just looked at the message and actually he had written: I lost my card again (that is his SSI debit card) and my phone broke.

    And he called from his same number. I am okay. Thank you Tired out.
     
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    My son texted me this morning (the supposed day of the reunion) asking where I was. I replied: Home.

    He volunteered another excuse about a broken phone. Fine. Do you want to make a plan that works for you?

    We checked the train schedule and emailed back and forth and set up a plan for Monday, to meet in a city much closer to me. I have an appointment there, so it will not necessitate taking an additional trip out of town.

    I asked him if he had set up a doctor's appointment for his liver and where he was in getting the neuropsychologist referral. I want him to know that the way back here he will have to work for and earn. He did say he got his blood test done and will speak with the doctor on Wed. about the results. No comment on the neuropsychologist referral.

    I spoke with M who volunteered to go with me if I went on Tuesday or Wednesday. I told him it was better I go alone. That he could go if and when J and I hit on a plan. That meeting, the three of us, would only set up a situation where M and I would get confused, and end up mad at each other. First J and I needed to be in agreement. I told M that until now I had put too much responsibility on him and that he had taken on too much responsibility to protect me, which was not right and not good for me, for M or J. And I wanted to correct that.

    M agreed. So the plan is that J and I meet as many times as we need to, to set up a clear plan and to begin its implementation. And only then involve M.

    All in all I feel good. Especially because it would have been a huge deal for me to travel 10 hours today. It makes more sense that he make the longer trip.

    Thank you, people.
     
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    Last edited: Nov 10, 2018
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Any day works. It can take time to make plans :)

    Heres an idea which you may or may not like and either is okay. I am not judging.

    Do you think maybe it would be maybe a better idea for you and J to rekindle your relationship without M? Maybe J would like to get to know you again without M being there, like it was before you met him. It may be more comfortable for him and maybe you too. Do you see J often without M? Go out to eat say as just mom and son? Alone?

    My husband sees Princess a lot but he is her stepfather and not really engaged in her life and I dont think she would like his input about her life. He came into her picture not until she was twelve. They get along fine but not as a father/daughter. Maybe J. resents that he cant have his own relationship with you, like when he was growing up. That doesnt mean you, M and J cant do things together, but his relationship with M is not the deep love bond you and J has. And he knows it. It is you he needs. M is for you,not necessarily a plus for J. You know best.

    This is just another idea that may be horrible or not work for you but I thought I would throw it out. The good days he recalls were just you two.

    Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2018
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I agree with you one hundred percent SWOT.

    Thank you for the reminder: this visit, these visits, are not so much to make a plan, but to reconnect. Yes, there is the problem solving, but that is much subordinate to the rekindling.

    One anxiety I feel is that J will want to come back SOON. Because it is getting colder where he is. Not cold like where you are but cold for us.

    I feel for him greatly, and worry about him greatly, but I fear also for his coming back here (yet again) without a firm commitment and mutual understanding of the terms. We do not need another disaster. Thus far, he has never accepted that we have any rights or that he has any real obligations.

    What I am trying to say is that these two aims feel contradictory, reconnecting and making a plans as opposed to his being comfortable and secure now (not sleeping in a truck or g-d knows where more he is sleeping). In the past he has not taken responsibility for his part. He has not taken into account anybody else's feelings and interests other than his own. I know this cannot go on, that solutions come only from me and M. I need him to recognize this.
     
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2018
  11. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    I think the focus on rekindling the relationship first sounds like a great idea.

    I also find that "deep" conversations with my kids need to be one on one. They all like R, but they don't feel comfortable being vulnerable with her or spilling their guts. If I want real honesty, it has to be alone. That's true both with my "difficult" ones and my "easy(er)" ones.