I need your wisdom

[Pokey's mom]

It's been a long time since I posted, that's actually a good thing. difficult child is doing so well, he's in 7th grade, mainstream classes making honor roll. Sometimes I think he's a typical teen, than he does something that is soooo aspie-lol. My fiance's daughter is another story. We have watched her over the past 2 years cycle from one extreme to the other, we have tried to get help for her but her mother just blames her father and there has been no contact between her parents for over a year now. SO's daughter loves this split that she has created, she has total control over her mother and her mother does whatever she wants her to do. This brings us to the current situation--SO's daughter graduated high school last june, she hadn't spoken to us in over 6 months, she tells us that she is going to college---a very expensive, private college---apparently her mother was able to get some funding since she was then a single parent so off she went to this expensive college. First semester she was on acedemic probation, now second semester her mother funded her tuition of $10,000. Now SO's daughter calls her father and demands that he co-sign for her to get $10,000 for next fall's tuition. NO, NOT HAPPENING!!! Never have we had any discussions with her mother and her husband as to how this kid is going to get through 4 years of a VERY expensive private college--nothing, just the 18 year old kid telling us to co-sign for her because her mother did.

Don't get me wrong, we are not against her going to college, in fact, she could have gone to numerous colleges and had funding through grants, ect. We could have worked together and had one side pay for one semester and the other parents pay for next semester, whatever, things could have been done with much less stress. But SO's daughter will ONLY go to this college and has no idea how she is going to pay for it--thanks to her mother who let her run the show from the start. We talked to her about transferring or going to a community college--she told us "I'm better than that" so it goes on.......there is no talking to her and until her mother tells her "NO" her grandiosity will get the best of her.

Are we wrong for not helping her? She has no planning for how she will get through the next 3 years, but she is majoring in business admin and finance, yikes!!!!!

I never have posted in this part of the board, but considering we are dealing with an almost 19 year old difficult child I thought it would be open for more conversation.
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[KFld]

I agree you should help her with college, but she has to be open to many more options then just one expensive one that she just expects you to be able to afford. Isn't it wonderful that just because her mother co-signed, she just thinks you should do the same. I would be leary about co-signing because if she doesn't pay it back, you will be responsible and you don't need that hanging over your heads.

Hopefully others here will have some good suggestions for you, I don't know what else to suggest accept to try and talk to her more about opening up her options a little.

 

[Pokey's mom]

<span style="color: #3366FF"> </span> That's the sad part, there is NO talking WITH her--she talks AT you. She is a very high strung young lady and extremely opinionated. She has treated her father like dirt, always tells him that her "new dad" is her dad. She thinks that her mother's new husband is so wonderful--he wouldn't have anything if it weren't for SO's efforts. This guy just won't tell her NO, buys her whatever she wants and caters to her every whim.

Maybe by facing a little reality she will have to get some help, we are going to get blamed no matter what, but she can't keep going on this way. We cannot condone her living above our means.

 

[Genny]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">First semester she was on acedemic probation, now second semester her mother funded her tuition of $10,000. Now SO's daughter calls her father and demands that he co-sign for her to get $10,000 for next fall's tuition. </div></div>

I wouldn't feel obligated to help AT ALL! Just because he is her biological father doesn't mean he is obligated to help a demading, disrespectful girl who also happens to be failing! It sounds to me like she's more interested in the rich-kid social scene than she is in actually getting a college education.

We had to institute a strict policy with our difficult child - anything she demanded was an automatic NO. If you want something from anyone in this world, you'd better be respectful and appreciative. Parents are no exception. She is 18 years old, therefore her parents aren't legally obligated to provide her with anything. If they do, it's because they want to; and nobody wants to do favors for someone who treats them like dirt.

I'm sorry for your SO. Hopefully someday his daughter will realize that he isn't the bad guy.

HUGS
Genny

 

[Suz]

Ruth, what exactly would he be co-signing? A student loan?

My first instinct would be to just tell her no way until she brings up her gradepoint average and shows some respect.

But, I also agree that it would be nice to help her with college expenses. Is she working at all? Trying to get any grants/scholarships? (unlikely with her academic record)

Have you determined what you can afford?

Sorry, no advice really. Just more questions.

Suz